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As promised, and thanks for the reviews.
13. Debriefing, part 2


Later that same night, an exhausted William Thorndale had also decided that a visit to his best friend was in order.

“You okay, Spike?”

Coming from Tara, the question wasn’t casual. Tara was always happy whenever Spike contacted her, but usually that was by phone. When he showed up unannounced at her office; that was bad.

“Not sure, Glinda. Came by for some more of your magic.”

“You sleeping okay?”

“Yeah, alright I guess.” Carelessly he ran his hand through his hair, and smiled. It brought out the lines on his face; he didn’t look like he’d been sleeping okay. “Though another prescription might not be a bad idea,” he reluctantly admitted.

“So what happened?” He had seemed so happy lately. “That girl you been seeing decide to dump you?”

“Nah. At least, not yet. We’ve been getting on great. It’s just…”

“Just what?” What caused him to show up outside her office looking so haggard?

“Took her to New York. Some stuff happened.”

“Are you going to tell me about it, or am I going to have to drag it out of you? Here – why don’t we go back inside the office and get comfortable? I have a feeling this might take awhile.”

Taking out her keys, Tara unlocked the office she had just closed. She turned on the small lamp by the desk, and threw her coat over the back of a chair, then sat down, ready to give him the same attention she would a patient.

In contrast, Spike kept his leather jacket on, as if he were ready to bolt any moment. He pulled a second chair around and sat, not quite facing Tara. His legs were splayed wide in that posture a woman could never get away with, his elbows resting on his knees and holding his head between his hands. He didn’t look up at Tara when he spoke.

“Ran into Angelus and Dru in New York.”

Tara tried not to betray how startled she was. “Did you speak to them?”

“More like they spoke to me. And Buffy. Turns out the bastard knew Buffy back in Sunnydale. Did a right number on her too.” He looked directly at Tara then; it was easier to look at her when he was talking about some one else. “I recommended she call you, Glinda. If there’s anyone can help her out, it’s you.”

“Buffy, that’s the girl you’ve been seeing?” She waited for his nod before she continued. She could hardly imagine how painful that must have been for her friend and said as much.

“Painful isn’t the word for it, luv,” Spike replied. “It was downright humiliating. And I just stood there and took it.”

“Sometimes it hard to know the right thing to do,” she answered. “Especially when the person you’re dealing with isn’t reasonable.”

“I wish I’d killed the bastard.” Tara could tell they weren’t just empty words as Spike’s hands involuntarily curled into fists. “Right there in the lobby of the theatre. Poofter deserved it.”

“You never would have done a thing like that.” Whatever she heard, Tara always tried to strike a moderate and non-committal tone. It was what she was trained to do as a counselor.

“True enough.” Spike relaxed his fists and stood. “You should have seen how Buffy was shaking after we left! At least now I know why the girl keeps running hot and cold. It seems like she wants me, but then she changes her mind.”

“Maybe you just need to give her time, Spike.”

“Suppose you’re right.” He hadn’t really thought of it that way. Their relationship still was kind of new, time wise. It’s just that to him they felt so perfect together, it was sometimes difficult to realize she might not feel the same way. “You think I should back off for a while, give her some space, see how it goes? Maybe if she comes round to talk to you she’ll feel a little more confident in herself.”

“Do you know what happened between Angelus and this girl? Buffy? Maybe if you two talked about it, you’d both feel better.”

“Already talked, for all the good it did. As to what happened, same thing as always. Evil and decadence corrupted youth and innocence, then kicked it where it hurts the most. This happened years ago, Tara, and the girl’s still reeling from it.”

Tara refrained from voicing her thoughts, ‘just like you, Spike.’ Instead she asked, “What about Drusilla?”

“Dru? She had some mad idea that the four of us should all get together and re-live old times. Like that would ever happen. She’s madder now than when I first brought her to you. Don’t know why I should have expected any different. I think he encourages it.”

“You may be right,” Tara answered. She could feel that the tension was still thick in the room when it should have begun to clear. Something else was bothering him. “What else happened in New York, Spike? What aren’t you telling me?”

Spike looked sideways at Tara with a sad smile. “You always know, don’t you?”

Tara shrugged her shoulders. “You’re still pretty undone Spike. If Drusilla was what you came here to talk about, you should have relaxed by now. So what else could upset you more than Angelus and Dru?”

There was no help for it. He knew when he came that Tara would somehow get the truth out of him. “I killed a man.” He sighed, “Possibly two.”

“I see.” Tara remained calm. She knew her role was to sit back and let her clients express their emotions. She wasn’t the law and she wasn’t here to condone or condemn Spike’s actions. Just to help him decide for himself how to deal with it and where to go from here. Still, no comment at all could be taken for tacit consent, so, “I take it there were no police involved?”

“No.” Spike shook his head and smiled ruefully. “No police. But to be fair, it was in self-defense. There were four of them and only two of us. And one of them had a gun.”

Spike looked at the pictures on Tara’s desk. The family she never talked about, even after almost ten years. And the pictures hadn’t changed in all that time. The people in them never grew any older, and he wondered what that meant. What private pains Tara was carrying.

“They were going to hurt Buffy, Tara. I didn’t see what else I could have done.” It wasn’t quite an apology, but it was as close as he was willing to come.

“So you feel totally justified in what you did. You were protecting your friend. I take it they attacked you.”

“Yeah, course they did, Glinda. Idiots wanted my wallet. I’d handed it over, no problem. But then they decided that wasn’t enough.” The clenched fists were back. “So they got what they deserve.”

“So what you’re saying is that you feel totally justified and you’re not sorry you did it? If that’s true, why are you here talking to me?”

Tara was always perceptive, and she didn’t pull any punches.

“I didn’t tell Buffy.” Spike was back in that hunched position on the chair. “Don’t get me wrong, she was there, she saw the whole thing and knew there was no other choice. In fact Buffy incapacitated two of the bastards herself, or those bastards might have killed us instead of the other way round. But she didn’t know the thugs I’d dealt with were deaders, and I didn’t feel the need to enlighten her.”

“So you feel guilty about lying to her.”

“Didn’t lie.” Spike insisted. He always had had a twisted sense of honor, and it always surprised her the way it manifested itself. “Didn’t tell one single lie. Just didn’t tell the truth is all. That’s another thing completely.”

“It is if you think it is,” Tara agreed. “Does it make you feel better that you didn’t have to actually lie to her, this girl you’re seeing?”

“Not really. See, it bothers me, but that’s still not what’s at the heart of it. I know why I came to see you today, Tara; it’s not like its some big insight into my personality. Yeah, all this stuff that happened, it was bad. Way bad. Maybe by itself it would have been enough to bring me here to see you. But that’s not what’s got me running scared.”

“Then what is it, Spike?” Tara was perplexed. What had happened to him over the weekend was more than enough to bring a normal person running for counseling, but for someone who was already so close to the edge…?

“I didn’t choose to do it, Tara. Like you said, I feel totally justified in killing those thugs, for what they were threatening to do to Buffy. But I didn’t choose it. It just, sort of, happened. One second I was all calm and thinking about how I was going to take them down, not kill mind, just take them down so we could get away. And then the next second there I am sitting on the street pounding one of them into the pavement while the other’s bleeding in the gutter from a cracked skull. Buffy had to pull me off the bloke. I don’t remember any of it. Something in me just snapped, and suddenly two men are dead. I lost control and couldn’t stop by myself. If Buffy hadn’t of been with me, I might have stayed there bashing that thug’s brains onto the curb until the police arrived, with no memory at all of what I had done.”

“It’s all right, Spike. Sometimes, in extreme situations, when people are pushed like that, people do things that they wouldn’t normally do. It’s okay. It doesn’t have to mean anything. You were protecting your girl the best way you knew how and things got out of hand. You should have contacted the police, let them deal with it. Things would probably be a lot simpler for you if you had. I can’t say that I can condone taking someone’s life like that, but I can understand what happened. You’re going to be all right Spike. I promise.”

“Wish I could believe you, pet. I really do.”





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