14. Consultation
Buffy made it to Thursday before she felt like she was going to explode. She hadn’t been able to unburden at all to Willow, who was busy with her own problems. And Xander was far too happy over his engagement to sit still for a serious talk, even if she had been willing to confide in him.
The muted but happy tones of the office seemed well suited to its purpose. The colors were bland enough that they wouldn’t offend anyone, while the offsetting decorations were vibrant and richly colored so that the office seemed welcoming rather than sterile. Although nothing in the office could be called expensive, it was put together so well, and in such good taste, that it felt like someone’s living room rather than a reception area.
She had argued with herself every step of the way over, but now that she was here, Buffy knew that she could relax. Spike had gone out of his way to make sure that she knew that whatever went on inside of this office, would stay between her and the psychiatrist. He had made it abundantly clear that although he had set up these appointments, whatever she discussed here would remain private.
Once Buffy had glimpsed the name on the office door, she no longer had any reservations whatsoever, except to kick herself in the shin for being an idiot. Now that she knew Spike’s friend was actually Tara McClay…she felt like laughing the relief was so great. Both the relief and the irony. The irony was not lost on her.
Nor apparently on Tara, as the older woman grinned broadly when she opened the door. Ushering Buffy inside the inner office, both women had to struggle to contain their laughter before they both burst out giggling.
Tara was the first to speak. “I thought it might be you. As soon as Spike said your name was Buffy, I just knew. I mean, LA is a big city, but even in LA there aren’t many girls named Buffy. And then when he called to set up the appointments, well I’m pretty sure there’s only one Buffy Summers.”
Buffy had known that Tara kept an office downtown, and that she saw outside clients, but until now Buffy had never had any reason to talk to Tara much. She felt like such a fool. When she had started having problems with her assignment, Tara was the logical person that Buffy should have turned to. Tara was the Agency Psych.
“You do know who recommended you, don’t you? Officially, this meeting never happened.” Buffy thought that Spike would die if he knew who his ‘friend’ really was; that she worked for the same criminal investigation agency as Buffy. “Of all the people in the world, Spike sets up an appointment for me with you! Who would have thought?”
Tara grinned, enjoying the joke fate had played on them all. “You know Spike, only the best will do.”
“And you, Tara are the best,” Buffy agreed easily. The Agency was in the habit of employing only the best and brightest too. And that had meant Tara.
“Geesh,” Buffy continued, “I can’t imagine what Spike would do if he knew what else you do for to earn a living!”
“Probably be about as shocked as he would if he found out where you really fit in,” Tara shrugged, then sobered. “Would I be wrong if I guessed that he’s your assignment?”
“Yes, he is. Spike knew my mother, and came to her retrospective. When Giles found out that I knew him, he immediately assigned me to the investigation.”
Tara sat behind her desk, all professional now. “How’s that going for you?”
Buffy sat down opposite her. “Depends on how you look at it. According to Giles it’s going slow, because he wants me to get a look inside Spike’s house, which I haven’t managed to do yet.”
“And according to you?”
“I probably shouldn’t say this, but I will because I know that Spike thinks of you as a friend.” For the first time Buffy narrowed her eyes and looked at Tara critically. “Are you his friend, Tara?”
“I am, Buffy. Have been for quite a while. I knew Spike before I ever started working for the Agency. So you can feel free to tell me what you really feel.” With a smile Tara continued, “Of course I’d have to point out that that is what I would say in any case, even if Spike was just a stranger.”
“All right then, Tara. And I need you to agree that anything we discuss is off the record. I won’t feel comfortable confiding in you if I know that you’re going to report everything I say to Giles. Besides, like I said, this is Spike’s nickel; neither of us is on Agency time right now.”
“Buffy, it doesn’t matter who is paying the bill or where we have a discussion. Everything said to me in confidence remains in confidence. I don’t report on my clients – not even to the boss. Unless I feel that they may become a danger to themselves or others. That’s different. But if you’re feeling conflicted about any part of your job – well, that’s what I’m here for. You can feel safe telling me anything.”
“Alright Tara. Since you know Spike yourself, I guess you’re in a tough place too. So maybe you’ll understand me when I say that I am quickly coming to the point where I’m not completely sure what I would do if I did find anything suspicious. Spike seems like a good man. I don’t want to be the reason he gets sent to jail.”
“As Agency psychiatrist, I’d have to say that you need to be careful not to let your undercover persona become too real. Not to get too close to the subject of your investigation, or let your emotions get in the way of your job. But as Spike’s friend, has anything in his behavior led you to believe that he is in fact guilty?”
“That’s just it, Tara. I can’t even tally how much time we’ve spent together, and he certainly hasn’t done anything suspicious that I’ve seen. Except that he doesn’t seem to want to invite me over to see his place, though I’ve asked loads of times. Giles just seems so sure that something is going on. But I have a hard time thinking of Spike doing that sort of thing.”
“It’s hard to tell what people will or won’t do given the proper motivation.” She thought of what Spike had confessed to her only the other night about the altercation in New York. “My first reaction would be to agree with you – I don’t think that Spike would do anything shady. Certainly not for personal gain. But I could imagine a circumstance where he might do something illegal. And I know for certain that he done some things he feels remorse about.”
Tara tried to put herself in Buffy’s shoes, and thought a little longer about the man she had known for almost ten years. In all that time, had she seen or heard him do anything that she would have to report? She sighed, “I know Spike sometimes deals with people who live on the wrong side of the law. I’ve even met some of them. But would I have felt a need to report it? No. Some of the so-called shady characters I’ve met seemed a lot more honest than many supposedly solid citizens. For example, have you met Warren Meers yet? That guy just gives me the creeps.”
Buffy looked askance at the woman she thought she knew. “But you, who work for the number one criminal investigation agency in the country, didn’t feel a need to report it who you met someone who admitted to breaking the law?”
“No, I didn’t.” Tara moved from behind the desk and took the chair next to Buffy. She wanted to make sure that the other woman understood what she meant. “There are some crimes where no one gets hurt, Buffy. And sometimes the legal alternative is even worse for all involved. What I’m referring to was a perfect arrangement for everyone involved. No one was getting hurt or taken advantage of. So no, I saw no reason to report it.”
“You’re not going explain what exactly you’re talking about, are you?”
“No, I’m not.” Tara smiled, “But if you want to ask Spike about his dealings with a woman named Glory, he’d probably be willing to tell you. Besides, that was a long time ago – right after he’d broken up with Dru. I doubt he’s even talked to Glory in years.”
“That was about five years ago, wasn’t it? You realize he still seems pretty bent out of shape about a break up that happened five years ago.”
Under the excuse of studying the prints on the wall, Buffy got up and starting pacing around the small office. A new idea came to her.
“Is that how you two met? Spike…he wasn’t a client, was he?” Somehow the word client seemed to have fewer negative connotations than ‘patient.’ “I mean, I know you can’t tell me that, but he doesn’t talk to you about – personal matters – does he?”
Tara shook her head. “Not really, no. Except as a friend. As I said, Spike and I are friends, Buffy, it’s not an act.” For her friend’s sake, Tara was glad to see that Buffy winced at that. “Even if Spike knows nothing about my ‘dark side.’ And like you said, even if he had come to see me professionally, you know I couldn’t tell you about it. All I’ll say is that he did go through a very rough time when Drusilla left him. It wasn’t something he got over easily. Like you said, he still isn’t over it entirely, maybe he never will be. Especially since she left him for another man, someone Spike hates.”
“I know.” Tara was watching Buffy closely, and could almost see the shudder as it ran through the younger girl. “We ran into Angelus and Dru in New York. It’s sort of why I’m here, actually. Turns out I knew Angelus back in Sunnydale. When I was still in high school. Once Spike found that out, he nearly pushed me into your office. But it was a long, long time ago. It hardly matters now.”
“I did wonder why he was so insistent that I make room in my schedule to see you. He was very upset, Buffy.” She looked Buffy in the eyes and told her the truth. “Spike told me that his girlfriend needed help. He told me you’d be brutalized, and that you had problems with intimacy.”
Tara paused for a breath and then continued, “And you’re wrong, Buffy. In my profession you learn that everything matters. It’s not that you can’t get past it, it’s just that every experience we have leaves its mark on us. It’s part of what makes each of us unique. Why don’t you tell me about it?
“It’s silly Tara.” Buffy started moving again, looking out the window this time. “I was young and foolish, and I got hurt. Like I said, it was a long time ago.”
“So Spike is wrong, and you don’t have problems with intimacy?”
“Of course not!” She turned and faced her friend. “It’s just that this is a case, Tara. And I won’t sleep with him as part of the investigation. I’m not like Faith or some of the others.”
“And yet if you notice that wasn’t what I said. Spike told me you had problems with intimacy, Buffy, that you were afraid to let anyone get to too close. He didn’t say a word about sex.” It was an important distinction that Buffy didn’t seem to be making. “Buffy, Spike didn’t send you to me so that I could convince you to have sex with him. He sent you to me because he thinks you need help.”
“Right. I SO do not need help, Tara.” Buffy began to collect her things from the chair. “I’m fine.”
“Of course you are. It’s just that you’re lying to a man you’re strongly attracted to, and don’t quite know how to handle it. Am I wrong? Buffy, it’s my job to help you deal with that.”
Buffy sat down again in the chair. “It’s harder than I thought it would be. I thought it would be all one way or the other, but this not knowing, it’s killing me.”
“And you don’t think that you need anyone to talk to about the conflict you’re feeling? Buffy, we all need someone to listen to our problems. To help us sound things out. It’s natural. Let me be your friend, Buffy. Anything you need to, you can confide in me.”
“Thank you Tara. I think you’re right. Willow wants to be helpful, but she is going through some things of her own with Oz right now, and she just doesn’t understand what I am going through. She doesn’t think it’s important. Spike is just a file to her. She can’t see how difficult it is for me to do my job, when I have these feelings…”
“Maybe it’s time you changed all that. Let her put a voice and face to the file. Get another unbiased opinion. Even if you just ran into each other casually, once she’d met him she’d have a much better appreciation for what you’re going through.”
“Do you really think that’s a good idea?”
“Why not? If you trust him, what difference would it make? Besides, Willow knows the score. She might even be able to help you out a little. Think about it. It’s just a suggestion. I think we should meet once a week.”
“All right, Tara,” Buffy agreed. It would be good to have someone to discuss Spike with. Once again Buffy rose to leave, but Tara put her hand on her arm. “Your hour isn’t over. Why don’t you talk about your other problem?”
“Other problem?” Buffy sounded puzzled.
“Angelus. You do know that when his name came up your whole body just trembled, as if you couldn’t stop yourself? Judging from that I’d say whatever it was that happened between you left a lot of unresolved feelings behind.” She took Buffy’s purse away from her again and started leading her back towards the chairs. “I guess I can take it from that reaction that seeing Angelus again brought back unpleasant memories.”
“It’s not that, Tara,” Buffy prevaricated. “It’s just that Angelus was so deliberately cruel in New York. I can’t imagine why anyone in their right mind would leave Spike for that bastard, Angelus.”
“Ah. So you’re no longer offended on your own part, now you hate and fear Angelus because you know he’s hurt Spike? That is what you’re saying, isn’t it Buffy? Maybe that means that you care for Spike a lot more than you’d like to think.”
“Oh, you are good,” Buffy moaned. “In that gee I wish I’d been talking to someone else kinda way. So now you either want me to admit to deeper feelings for the man I’m investigating, or feelings left over from an affair that ended after one night over ten years ago.”
“Or both.” Tara encouraged, her smile taking some of the sting out of the words. “If you were willing to admit to both, then I could say we made some real progress today.”
Buffy stood up to leave, determined this time. “I don’t think so. Anything between me and Angelus I got over a long time ago, and anything between me and Spike, well, that’s between me and Spike.”
Thrusting open the office door, Buffy stormed out into the hall.
Tara peered her head out and called after her, “Thursdays from four to five.” Grinning, the shy blonde headed back to her desk to write down some notes. Buffy would be back, she knew she would.
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