Chapter 38: Invitations
“I already told him that we’d both be there,” Dawn quipped, as if that settled matters.
“You had no right to do that, Dawn,” Buffy snipped. “Not without even speaking to me first.”
As much as Buffy had come to really care for Dawn over the past few months, she was also frustrated with the girl. Try as she might, Dawn insisted on being her own person, which often included a stubborn streak that just irritated the hell out of Buffy. But then, Buffy was frustrated just on general principle, and she couldn’t be sure how much that colored her judgment when it came to the teen.
Although Spike had done everything Buffy had asked of him, they were no longer even friends. At best, their relationship could be described as frigid.
Spike had come through the polygraph without incriminating himself, and both he and Dawn had each insisted that Buffy and Giles honor their part of the bargain that allowed Spike to spend time with Dawn. Regular visitation times had been set up, as if in a divorce situation. It wasn’t far from how Buffy felt, and she sometimes wondered if it were possible that Spike felt the same way.
As a result of the visitation schedule, Buffy was forced to talk to Spike every Friday evening and Sunday morning, which were the times when he picked up Dawn. She tried to avoid him as much as possible when he dropped her off at home again Friday at eleven and Sundays at eight. He was never late for either appointment.
When it had started, Buffy had hoped that Dawn would gradually begin to lose interest, and at least occasionally choose to spend Friday nights with other teens from school. So far that had yet to happen.
So while Spike and Dawn’s friendship continued untarnished, the lack of any personal relationship between Buffy and Spike continued. Their conversations were of necessity strained, and centered mainly on when Dawn would be home and where she would be in the interim. Although Buffy felt totally justified in everything that she had done, Spike was cold and business like with her, and it was painful to talk to him as if they meant nothing to one another. He obviously only put up with her presence because seeing Dawn of necessity included seeing Buffy. That made it doubly difficult every time she spoke to him.
And then there was Dawn. She always came back home on time and both happier and more talkative than she had been before she left. Inevitably she spent the next several hours chattering about the dinner she had had, the play he had taken her to, or other fun things that she had done with Spike. On those rare occasions when she was being introspective and honest with herself, Buffy admitted that Dawn’s carefree relationship with Spike made her feel jealous. She knew that wasn’t really fair to either of them, but she couldn’t help it. As the weeks had passed, she found that she missed Spike’s friendship, and began to put a tentative effort into trying to rebuild their relationship.
It was rough going.
Despite her more pleasant attitude, Spike was still cautious of Buffy’s intentions. He had been hurt, and hurt badly. Buffy had abused his trust, and that was hard to get past. It was going to be a long time before he was willing to trust her. But at least the two of them were talking again, more than business required, which was something.
From what Dawn told him, it was obvious that the teen thought that Buffy still cared, although she tried to hide it. Although he wasn’t ready to take another chance on her, Spike was wise enough to realize that although he was angry and mistrusted Buffy at the moment, they weren’t finished. As much as he hated what she had done to him, he also loved her. He knew that if she still wanted him, he would eventually find it within himself to forgive her.
He knew that he was in love with her – he had no choice.
Nevertheless, it hurt that although Spike knew that Buffy pretended to believe in his innocence, she still harbored doubts about him. How could she not? She had seen his paintings: Spike was worried that even if Buffy decided that he wasn’t guilty of the crimes he had been accused of, she might think that he wasn’t completely sane.
Some days he wasn’t too sure himself. He’d scheduled formal appointments to talk with Tara twice a week so he could prove to Buffy (and himself) that he wasn’t completely round the bend. He hated to admit how perilously close to losing it he really was. Neither of his girls needed a man who had gone completely starkers, and although he knew he was on edge, and had been for a while, he knew that Tara would help keep him grounded.
Being such good friends with Tara helped to keep him from breaking down entirely, as he had done after Dru had left him. Another way that the formal sessions with Tara had proved beneficial, was that Spike thought that he knew what it was that he wanted from Buffy.
He just wasn’t ready to do what had to be done to get there. He was not going to swallow his pride and take a chance trying to woo a woman who had already shown her callous indifference by betraying him. Yet that still left him alone.
The only good thing to come from their newly established cease fire, was that Buffy had told Spike – through Dawn - that Giles hadn’t found anything else incriminating in the two notebooks that Buffy had stolen and photographed. He wasn’t going to say another word about the matter, not even through Dawn, although Spike knew that Buffy had taken photographs of three journals, not two.
Tired of being used as a go-between, dutifully Dawn had reported back Spike’s stoic reaction. If possible, Dawn was even more frustrated with the current state of affairs than the other two. She felt that she had been put unfairly in the middle of a situation that had not been her fault. As far as she was concerned, the two adults were acting like children. So they had quarreled. Each of them had said and done things that they later regretted. Especially Buffy.
If it wasn’t for her stupid Agency job, Dawn figured that Buffy and Spike would have been happily married by now – or at least living together. Because even though Buffy wouldn’t admit it, Dawn knew that Buffy was suffering without Spike. She lived with the woman. Studied her face every time that Spike came to get her, noticed the way that Buffy tried to avoid him, and she understood what that meant, even if Spike refused to. After all, Dawn could watch Buffy’s expression as she recounted in great detail all the things they had said and done together. There was no doubt in the teen’s mind that Buffy was still in love with William Thorndale.
Today, Dawn had finally had enough, and decided that she was going to take matters into her own hands and do something about the situation. She and Tara had finally prevailed upon Spike to make one small gesture towards reconciliation, and she was going to let Buffy know exactly how she felt about it, and what exactly was going to happen next.
“I don’t care, we’re going!” Dawn stomped. “You two have been nothing but bitchy and deceitful towards each other from the beginning, and it’s time for it to stop. Yes, you should be ashamed for what you did to Spike, Buffy. I don’t doubt that you both did and said some things that you regret. But none of that changes the fact that you are in love with him, or that Spike has been head over heels in love with you Buffy, from the very beginning. ”
Buffy sighed. Dawn always thought that everything was easy. She had been happy these past several weeks with Buffy, and Buffy liked to think that the two of them had become friends. It had helped that Dawn got along well with Xander and Willow, and Tara had started a tentative friendship with Buffy as well.
The psych stopped by at least a few times a week. At first Buffy wasn’t sure how much Tara’s presence could be attributed to the woman’s desire to make sure that Dawn was being well cared for. But it was nice that the more mature woman hadn’t bowed out of Dawn’s life once Dawn was no longer staying with Thorndale. And she had turned into a genuine friend.
These past few weeks had probably been the most ‘normal’ home life the child had ever known. Family services had never been called, and everyone was hoping that the situation would remain stable until Dawn reached her majority. Glory certainly didn’t seem to care about her daughter, as long as her money appeared on time, and Spike hadn’t said a word about stopping the payments. Dawn still called her mother regularly, once a week, and the conversation was more like a progress report than a call home. Buffy had stopped listening in after the first time. The lies that Dawn could spin made her feel faintly ill.
As far as Dawn was concerned, the only thorn in her side was Buffy’s relationship with Spike. Buffy knew that in her child’s mind, she thought that because she loved both of them, that they must love each other. She was too young to know that the world didn’t work that way.
“He’s not in love with me, Dawnie.” Buffy struggled to explain it in a way that the teen could understand. “We hardly even know one another. Not really. Behind all the lies we’ve told one another.”
“I don’t think he’s lied to you, Buffy,” Dawn countered. “You were always the one with the undercover agenda. He’s just a normal guy who happened to fall for Mata Hari.”
“What?” There was that stupid name again. She should have looked it up after Riley called her that. At least Buffy knew that the ritzy private school Thorndale was paying for was doing a good job. Dawn constantly talked about things that Buffy had only a hazy knowledge of. She had thought herself very well educated, what with a Master’s degree and all, and it irked her that a fourteen year old high school student, as well as her corn fed ex-boyfriend, seemed to have a more well rounded view of the world.
“Mata Hari? The spy?” Dawn countered, as if it must be something that Buffy already knew. “Gave meaning to the term ‘femme fatale?’”
When Buffy did this kind of thing, Dawn assumed that the older woman was putting her on, testing her. Really, who had never heard of Mata Hari? It wasn’t the type of name one easily forgot.
“She was a famous female spy in… well, one world war or another,” Dawn continued as if answering a question for her history professor. “She was famous for seducing military secrets from her lovers.” She couldn’t resist adding the last little bit, “She was eventually shot and killed for it.”
Buffy didn’t see herself that way at all. “I did not seduce any secrets from William Thorndale. I mean… I didn’t seduce him at all.” She didn’t know why Dawn continued to romanticize their past relationship. “We were just friends, you know that Dawn.”
“Yeah, right,” Dawn huffed. “Friends who stay up all night making out on the couch, in the pool, in the backyard…”
“We did not make out in backyard…”
“Gotcha,” Dawn crowed, taking Buffy’s comment for the admission that it was. “So, you missed the backyard. But you got my point. You were more than friends. And despite everything that you’ve done to him…don’t give me that innocent look, Buffy. It’s always been you who did horrible things to him, never once has it been the other way around. But in spite of all that, I am sure that he is willing to overlook the past and give it another chance. He misses you, Buffy. And despite what you may say, I know that you miss him too.”
Buffy heaved a great sigh. Perhaps it was time to come clean. Sometimes it was exhausting talking with Dawn. She got you off on tangents that seemed to have nothing to do with anything, and the next moment you were giving in to whatever Dawn asked. It wasn’t fair really. It was like Dawn had some super power or something.
“You’re right, Dawnie. I do miss him,” Buffy admitted as she put out the breakfast things. “Even though I was playing a role, I really wasn’t, you know. But William has a lot of baggage. Things that you don’t know about.”
Buffy hoped that she didn’t know about. She shuddered as she remembered some of the images she’d seen in his locked workroom. She still wondered if Tara’s explanation really explained things. Those paintings were definitely not something for innocent eyes to see. Again, she searched for words that the teen would understand. “He’s…troubled, Dawn. There’s a reason he’s good friends with a psychoanalyst.”
“You’re friends with her too, you know.” Dawn snipped. “Does that mean that you’re troubled?” She didn’t wait for an answer. “Everyone has problems, Buffy,” Dawn supplied. “And it’s not his fault if he’s felt so overwhelmed that he’s had to have some professional help from time to time. Lots of people see psychs. That’s why it’s a profession. But I think you could help him with his issues, Buffy. Make him feel safe.”
“Safe?” Of all the things that Dawn could have said, this seemed the most astounding. “I think after what’s happened between us, I’d be the last person that could make him feel safe. That’s what he has all that surveillance and security for.”
“Not that kind of safe, Buffy. Emotionally safe. I know it sounds weird to you. You think what the two of you have been through was such a big deal. But he has nightmares. All the time. Even from before the big ‘break up.’ They used to wake me up at night, when I slept across the hall from him. That’s one of the reasons that I agreed to move into the pool house. Even so, I was awake and prowling around the house enough at odd hours of the night that I could still hear him cry out in his sleep from time to time.”
Vaguely it seemed to Buffy somewhat incongruous for the teen to be talking about things that could make a grown man cry out in terror in the middle of the night while Dawn had cereal in her mouth. As much as she seemed to insinuate that Buffy was the one who was ignorant, Buffy couldn’t help but wonder if the teen had any idea what it all meant.
“He needs someone, Buffy,” the teen continued, eating and talking at the same time. Buffy and Tara had both tried to tell her, each in their own way, that the habit was really gross, but Buffy didn’t have the heart to mention it just now. “He’d like it to be you, Buffy. That’s why he’s invited us, both of us, to this party he’s giving. I think he’s trying to come to terms with what happened. With what you did. He wants to be friends again. Maybe something more if you’re willing. You owe him at least that much Buffy. He’s made a gesture that indicates that he wants to put the past behind him, you should be mature enough to accept. It's not that he’s asking for much. It’s a party, Buffy. A big corporate-y type function. They’ll be dozens of people there. It’s not like the two of you will be alone. Heck, if you don’t want to, you probably wouldn’t even have to talk to the guy. But you should put in an appearance, show him that you’re willing to try to be civil. Isn’t that what you always tell me, that good manners are important? That’s what this would be. Good manners.”
“You know Dawn, maybe you should consider a career in sales.” Taking a few more sips of her coffee, Buffy looked up at the eager teen and decided she may as well give in now as later. “All right, you’ve talked me into it. We’ll go. But I’m not making any promises, to you or to him, about where this relationship will go from that point. I’ll go to the party, and we’ll see how things go from there. Happy?”
“Yes. Very happy,” Dawn squealed, jumping up and down. “I have to go and figure out what I’m going to wear. It’s black tie, you know. That means it’s fancy, and we’ll both have to dress up. I don’t think I own anything that dressy,” the teen lied. She had lots of dressy clothes in her wardrobe, but they were all working clothes, hand me downs from the girls in Glory’s stable who had worn them before her. Dawn had vowed never to wear them, and was waiting for an opportunity when she was unsupervised so she could set them on fire. “You’ll have to lend me something of yours, or you’ll have to take me shopping. Please, Buffy, please say you’ll take me shopping. I promise that I won’t buy too much – I’ll only shop the bargain racks, I promise. I’ll even wear the same dress to prom if you want.”
It pleased Buffy that the teen realized that she had financial constraints that Thorndale did not. Even if such problems had become more academic recently. With recent sales, she was suddenly better off than she and her mother had ever been. The first thing she’d done was talk to a lawyer about setting up a fund for Dawn’s future. After all, there was no guarantee that Thorndale would continue to pay off her mother for the next four years. If he ever changed his mind on that score, things could get ugly. Fleetingly she wondered if they should start formal proceedings to have Dawn removed from her mother’s care, but the thought vanished almost as quickly as it came.
With Dawn jumping up and down around the kitchen, Buffy couldn’t ignore the exuberant teen’s demands for long. And apparently the only thought on Dawn’s mind now, was what she would wear to the gala event.
“Geesh, if I’d known this was going to cost me a fortune, I’d have held out longer,” Buffy teased. If the money were really a problem, she knew that Spike would probably be only too willing to finance Dawn’s wardrobe. But for once Buffy wanted to be the one to do something for the girl. Besides, it would be fun to spend so much quality time together. Most weeks it seemed like Dawn saved all of her free time to spend with Spike.
Startled, she realized that it wasn’t just that she was jealous of the time Dawn spent with Spike. She was envious of the close relationship the teen had with him. She wished that Dawn would trust her more, talk to her about her problems at school and such like. Either way, whenever those two were together, Buffy felt left out. Perhaps Dawn was right and it was time to try to mend some bridges in their relationship.
Buffy made a great show of her acquiescence. “Fine, we’ll go shopping. But that means that I have the final say on the dress. Nothing too low cut, or too short, or too see through, or too tight…”
“Yes, Mom.” Secretly Dawn was thrilled. That was exactly what she wanted. And it was fun to call Buffy ‘Mom.’ Her real mother, Glory had never wanted to be called ‘Mom,’ and had certainly never given a damn about what she wore or didn’t wear. Glory had never taken her shopping so she could pick out her own clothes, or really done anything that Dawn knew mothers were supposed to do for their daughters. As soon as she had been old enough, she had often wondered why her mother had even bothered to have a child. She knew that the other working girls all took precautions so that they wouldn’t get pregnant. Surely her mother knew what to do? And if something went wrong, if they somehow did conceive a child despite their precautions, well, there were ways to eliminate that problem too. So Dawn wondered why she was ever allowed to be born. It wasn’t like her mother seemed to care about her one way or the other.
It was nice to have someone who at least seemed to care, even if she wasn’t a blood relative. Not that that was any guarantee of anything. Dawn knew that most people would have treated a dog better than her mother had treated her. And as for her father – whoever he was - he hadn’t even cared enough about her to acknowledge that she even existed.
As far as Dawn was concerned, she had a whole new extended family now. Xander, Willow and Tara were favorite Aunts and Uncles. And Buffy and Spike…all she had to do was get them back together, and she’d have the Mom and Dad that she’d always wanted. Like the families that she’d seen on TV.
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