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Author's Chapter Notes:
Dream sequence is in italics. Dream contains Spike/Dru (among other things).
45. Nightmares in the Morning


Somehow even in his sleep Spike realized that Buffy had slipped from his bed, and began to thrash through the bed covers, searching for the warmth that had left him. In his sleep he began to dream.

It was the old nightmare. Even asleep he recognized it, knew what was coming, and that it was going to be bad. As he watched, his mother’s warm and loving face turned cold and lifeless, and he stared helplessly at sightless eyes, forever closed to him. He had just come from the gravesite. Now he was completely and utterly alone. He hated the thought of being alone.

He was surrounded by foreign faces that didn’t really seem to understand the depths of his grief. They accepted death as part of life more readily than he. Even in his dream he knew that they didn’t really understand. Would never understand. They all had large extended families, so that the death of any one person, even someone as dear as his mother was to him, did not leave a person so dreadfully alone.

William knew he was alone in the world now. He had no other family to turn to – except possibly a few distant relatives he didn’t know, who would be more interested in having control of his wealth than in taking care of the child Anne had left behind.

He was dreaming about the very first time that the dream had come to him. The night of her funeral. Somehow, knowing that it was a dream about a dream made it seem even more terrifying. He was dreaming about the first night that he had this dreamed.

He had barely slept at all,, visions of her sweet form encased in its casket being lowered into the ground filled his brain so that he tossed and turned. Towards dawn, just as he was starting to finally dose off, Drusilla had come to him. Crying in her arms like a babe, all William wanted to do was hold her. That was where the dream usually ended. But not tonight. Tonight there was more.

Dru’s hands were insistent as always, and his body responded where his mind would not have. Heartbroken, he finally gave in. He knew it was the only way that Drusilla knew to give him comfort. The warmth of her embrace should help keep the dreams away.

Traitorously the thought came to him now. Now that his mother was gone, there was no one to stand in the way of him being together with Dru the way he had always wanted. When they got back to England he would be invested with his lands and estates, and he would be able to convince Dru to leave Angelus and marry him. The two of them would settle down and begin a new family.

Closing his eyes dutifully, he was surprised when he felt her wind a silk scarf across his brow and bind it tight so that he couldn’t see. A second scarf wrapped around his wrist, and he felt it tied tight and stretched towards the edge of the bed. Experimentally he gave it a light tug, and found that he was caught fast. This was something new. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust his dark goddess, but only that he had no idea what to expect.

He felt bereft as she ceased her attentions to him, as suddenly as it had begun. He called out as he felt her slight weight shift from the bed.

“Shh, love,” she answered. “Hold still and enjoy it.”

He relaxed fractionally as he felt her weight sink down on the mattress once again, only this time it pressed down further, as if she had brought something heavy with her into their bed. What could she be doing? He called again, “Dru? Take the blindfold off. I want to see you.”

He began to panic then, struggling against the bonds which held him far too firmly in place. Something was going on here – something bad was about to happen. He was sure of it.

Before he could quite figure out what was happening in his dream, Spike woke up with a start, the feeling of foreboding still strong. It took less than a second to realize that he was back in the present, in his own home, completely safe, and longing for another woman entirely.

Drusilla was no more than a bad memory, a chapter in his life that was long over. He was with Buffy now, and it was clear to him what the dream had meant. He needed Buffy in his life. Permanently.

“Buffy. Luv, come back to bed. I miss you.”

As she returned to the bed, wearing nothing more than his t-shirt, Spike smiled up at her lazily. Was it too soon to tell her that he loved her? Of course she must know it. He must have said it a thousand times last night. But still, it would sound different in the morning. If only she would get under the covers with him again he’d show her in a way that she couldn’t mistake. Besides, he owed her from last night, didn’t he?

Peering down at her lover’s smiling face, Buffy wondered what was the appropriate thing to say? She couldn’t very tell him she didn’t remember anything from the previous night, and that she wasn’t at all sure that she liked the turn their relationship had obviously taken.

Could she? She’d have to lie and say that there was someplace that she needed to be…

She was a fool. Of course he would want to pick up where they had left off the night before. She should have been thinking of some excuse to give him so she could leave gracefully instead of wondering about inconsequential things like what she was wearing, or what had been making that annoying sound.

Or whether he had used a condom. She hadn’t seen one in the bathroom, didn’t see one now.

“Spike…”

“Mmmh,” he mumbled. “I want you here, Buffy. All the time. Everyday of my life.”

“Spike…” she didn’t want to get back into the bed with him. Didn’t want to give him the wrong idea.

“Let me look at you, pet,” he murmured, turning on to his side to get a better view. “You’re beautiful in the morning. Anyone ever tell you that, pet? You birds always go on about ‘my hairs a mess,’ and ‘I’ve got no make up on,’ but it never seems to occur that men might like you that way. You look well loved, and like you might be ready for another go. What’d you say, luv?” His smile was so charming that she was actually considering his offer, “You about wore me out last night, but I’m game to try if you are.”

She could lie to him, but she wasn’t very good at it. He’d figure it out, and she didn’t want to hurt him any more than she already had. Any more than she needed to. It was probably best then to put a stop to this right away.

“Spike…I don’t think so…I know whatever happened between us last night might lead you to…expect… certain things. But I’m not a casual sex kind of girl. You know that.”

Spike snorted. “Nothing about last night was casual, pet.” He leaned to kiss her gently on the shoulder, but she moved away at the last second, leaving him struggling with the sheets. Kicking aside the irritating bedclothes he reached for a robe.

She couldn’t ask him, but she had to.

“Spike?”

“Buffy. Love,” he stood beside her and nuzzled his head in her hair and he could feel her tense at his touch. Something here wasn’t right.

“Spike, about last night…” Not having to actually look at him while she spoke should make this easier, right? It didn’t seem easier.

“Best bloody night of my life, pet. I never would have figured you for…”

Just blurt it out. She was good at that, wasn’t she? “Did you use a condom, Spike?”

Letting her go for a second, Spike pursed his lips. The sound alone let her know what his answer would be, and she tensed even more.

“Didn’t seem like you wanted to stop, pet. But, not to worry. I’ve had myself checked out. One hundred percent disease free, so put your mind to rest.”

Put her mind to rest? Was he crazy? “Spike, I’m not on any birth control,” her voiced sounded strident in her own ears. She hadn’t come here meaning to sleep with him. Still wasn’t sure exactly what had occurred that allowed this to happen. Panicked, her hands went to her stomach. She didn’t feel nauseous, did she? How long would it take to feel nauseous if he had made her pregnant?

This was worse than she thought. Her heart was pounding, her mind racing as she tried to control her breathing. She was almost afraid to put the thought into words, as if speaking her fears ,ight make them true. “Spike, what if I’m pregnant?”

His hands had slipped possessively down to her navel and rested there just over her curls. Maybe that was what the dream had meant. That he needed to make his own family now. He had just needed to find the right woman to do it with. “Wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, would it?” he murmured.

“What?” she was screeching now. What kind of weird male point of view was that?

Realizing that he must have said the wrong thing, Spike quickly tried to sooth over his mistake. “I mean, if you’d rather we wait a while, that’s all right with me. Whatever you want, Buffy. I’d be the last man on earth to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do with your own body. But if you’d wanted me to use a condom last night, you should have said something. Not like I could do anything about it with my hands tied to the headboard.”

Buffy gasped and repeated what he had said, “Tied to the…”

That couldn’t be right. She wouldn’t do anything like that – would she? She reflected on her brief history of dating and assumed that he had to be teasing her. She had never done anything remotely like that with any of her prior boyfriends. Even so, the joke was in amazingly bad taste.

Turning a stunned look in his direction, she realized that Spike was entirely serious.

But it didn’t sound like her at all. She must have had too much to drink, and things had gotten out of hand. That was the most plausible explanation. It could even explain the fact that she couldn’t remember any of it. But not what had made her act so out of character, even if she were under the influence.

“Spike…” She was almost shaking now, although the room wasn’t cold. This was just too much for her to take in all at once.

“Look, Buffy, Luv, don’t be scared. Maybe I’m just not explaining myself very well. I want… Buffy, I want…Hold on a minute pet, let me get something. Make this clear to you. I’d wait for a better moment, but you look like the deer that has seen the headlights and doesn’t know which way to jump. I’ll be right back,” kissing her on the forehead he looked into her eyes and said the two words that would make her melt, “I promise.”

Surprised but grateful for the respite now that he had left for a moment, Buffy started to collect her clothes. This wasn’t good. Not at all. She had just gotten to the point where she felt that she and Spike could become friends again, and wasn’t sure how she would be able to get out of this new entanglement. She most definitely was not ready to begin a romantic relationship with him.

She must have been drunk. Very drunk. That was the only explanation she could come up with. But she only remembered having a half glass of wine…

A glass that was even now almost half full on the nightstand. It must have been pretty powerful stuff to have had this kind of effect on her. Kinky unprotected sex? That didn’t sound like the sensible woman she knew herself to be, even when three sheets to the wind.

She went over and sniffed the glass. It was wine all right – not some weird Long Island Ice Tea concoction that could have knocked her on her ass. She forced herself to take a sip, just to be sure, but spit it out before the liquid touched her lips.

On the other side of the glass, running down from where her lipstick had stained the rim, was just the faintest trace of white powder. What the hell?

She ran her fingers over the stain, and sure enough rough granules came away on her fingertip. She knew she hadn’t been drunk.

Her drink had been tampered with.

Heart pounding, she decided she’d have to wear Thorndale’s shirt and made a grab for her purse and her shoes – anything just to get out of here. Making a mad dash for the door, she collided with Spike mid scramble, making him drop whatever it was he had gone to fetch.

“Pet? Where you off to in such a hurry? Dawn is at Tara’s don’t you remember?”

“No, Spike. I don’t remember,” she snapped. “I don’t remember any of… this. I thought I had only the one half glass of wine last night – and I was right. I can’t believe that you’d stoop to this. I’m going home, and I hope to never, ever see you again.”

“Buffy, luv? What are you going on about?” Holding her shoulders he tried to keep her from walking out the bedroom door. “Maybe you didn’t plan to do it – maybe the wine had as much to do with it as anything – but now that we’re together, I’m never going to let you go. I…”

“Oh god,” she was starting to hyperventilate now. “You are a monster, if you think you can keep me here against my will.”

“Against your will? Why would I want to do that? You want to take a step or two back and give it some time, well, I guess I can respect that. We don’t need to rush into anything right away. But I…”

“Rush into anything? Spike, you drugged my wine so that I would sleep with you. Why would you think that I want any kind of relationship with you?”

“Drugged?” Spike’s face turned ashen, but Buffy hardly noticed. “No, pet. This was all your idea…”

“Right. And the sediment in my wineglass? What is that – aspirin? I know enough about drugs to know it when I see it, Spike. What was it you slipped me? Some kind of date rape drug? What I don’t understand is why you bothered – if you wanted to rape me, you should have just held me down and done it. Not put on this elaborate charade trying to make me think it was all my idea.”

“No! I would never…Buffy, you have to believe me…I would never…”

But it was too late. She was already out the bedroom door and halfway down the stairs. She wasn’t listening to him. Had already dismissed out of hand any defense he might give. It was too late. He had lost her.





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