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51. Confession is good for the Soul


By the end of the day Buffy had had enough and decided that Fred was right. She needed to talk to someone, but she wasn’t sure whether Tara was the right person. Willow was still upset about Oz leaving her, but she was dealing. She and Willow hadn’t had a real heart to heart since that day in the restaurant. But she needed to talk to someone uninvolved and get their opinion, before she could make up her mind about how she felt.

A restaurant was out of the question for the discussion that Buffy wanted to have with her friend, so she decided to invite Willow over to the gallery for some Chinese take-out. The apartment was no good either. She didn’t want to take a chance that Dawn might overhear their conversation. She’d simply let Dawn know that she was going to be working late – maybe ask Xander to take Dawn to a movie or something.

By the time Willow arrived, the dinner was ordered, and the gallery was closed for the evening. Of course the first thing that Willow noticed was the smell of the roses that still permeated the back room.

“I smell flowers, but I don’t see them anywhere. What’s up?”

“I threw them away.”

“Why? Buffy, they’re gorgeous. Why would you throw them away?” She looked at her friend suspiciously. “Did you and Spike have another fight or something? It looked like you two might get back together, or something.”

“Or something. Look, Willow, I asked you here because I need someone to talk to. I know that we haven’t been as close as we used to be lately. And I’m sorry for that. But something happened at Spike’s party, something bad, and I don’t want Dawn to know. Only I’m not quite sure how to keep her away from Spike after that deal we made with Giles. I don’t know what to do.” She began to cry.

“What happened, Buffy?” Willow was instantly contrite. Buffy had been her best friend for ages. Just because she had started avoiding her when she began dating Tara, didn’t change the history between them. “You can tell me anything, Buffy.”

Pulling herself together Buffy confessed to her friend. “He raped me Willow. He put something in my drink, and I really don’t remember any of it. But I woke up with him the next morning, and I knew. I wasn’t drunk Willow, really I wasn’t. I hardly had anything to drink at all. And then, after he left the room, and I found this white powder sediment in my glass – and Willow, I don’t know what to do.”

“I do,” exclaimed an angry voice from the shadows. “I know exactly what you should do. You should go to the police and have him arrested. You’ve been far too forgiving of his crimes until now, Buffy, but this is something that no woman should have to put up with. And to think – that he claimed to love you, and he would do something like this. He should be behind bars, Buffy.”

“Xander.” Buffy gasped. “I didn’t mean for you to hear that.”

“Too late now, isn’t it?” His voice was cold. He sounded like someone that she didn’t know. “I told you from the beginning that the guy was bad news. But no one ever listens to Xander.”

“Please don’t tell Dawn,” Buffy pleaded. “I’m trying to figure out what to say to her. She’s been through so much already.”

“I don’t know why you are acting as if this was your fault, Buffy. It’s not.” A little compassion crept into his voice as he came out of the shadows and took her hand. “It’s the scum that did this to you. And Dawn needs to know that Thorndale is not what he claims to be. If he would do that to you, Buffy, what’s to stop him from doing it to Dawn? Who’s to say he hasn’t already, and she just doesn’t remember it?”

“No.” Buffy was horrified. It was one thing to drug her – but Dawn? Spike would never hurt Dawn. But then she had thought that she would never hurt her either. How had everything gone so wrong?

“I think Xander’s right on this one, Buffy. If you’re sure you just weren’t too drunk to remember, if you’re sure that Spike put something in your drink, then Dawn needs to know. I can understand that you might not want to press charges, despite Mr. Gung Ho here. Taking him to court would not be an easy thing to do. But you have to protect Dawn.”

A niggling feeling of doubt made Buffy hesitate. How could she know with absolute certainty, despite the Doctor’s findings, that there had been something in her drink, while at the same time she knew with just as much certainty that Spike would never hurt Dawn? It didn’t make any sense.

At the same time that she wanted to protect Dawn, she still wanted to protect Spike. How weird was that. More and more confused, she let Xander and Willow continue talking about it as if she wasn’t even there.


~ * ~

“I’ve bollocksed it up good, this time Tara. She’ll never bloody speak to me again.” Spike didn’t know where else to turn. Tara had no idea what had happened after she left the party, but Spike knew that he had to tell her – or Buffy would. “I swear, it’s not my fault. I swear it. The thought never even crossed my mind.”

“Why don’t you start at the beginning, and tell me what happened, Spike.” Tara was always the voice of reason. He wished he had his own personal Tara to carry around with him and give him advice all day long. He might need one after Tara heard the story he had to tell. “Did you and Buffy had a fight after Dawn and I left?”

“No,” he replied immediately, then had to take it back. “Well, not at first. She’d been nice to me all evening, and after you left we talked for a bit, and then we danced in the kitchen. It was so nice to hold her again – I can’t believe she’s gone.”

“Gone? What happened?”

“Well, we kissed. And then she said that she wanted to go upstairs. She wanted us to be alone. It was her idea, I swear it was. But in the morning…in the morning it was like she’d forgotten everything we’d said, everything we’d done. She ran out so fast, I didn’t get the chance to explain.”

“So, you had sex, and then Buffy regretted it in the morning. It’s not the end of the world, Spike.” No one knew better than Tara that Buffy had her own demons to deal with. She’d probably just gotten scared. “She’ll come around.”

“You don’t understand, Tara,” Spike objected. “She found something in her glass. She…she thinks I drugged her. She thinks… gods, I can’t even say it.”

“What do you mean she found something in her glass?”

“Some powder. It’s, it’s something Warren came up with. Something from the lab that we’re working on. He must have put it in her drink, because I know it wasn’t me. I just can’t figure out why.”

“So she was drugged? There really was some date rape drug in her drink?”

Spike looked defeated, then shrugged. “Yeah, there might have been. But that’s not what it was, or not what it was meant to be at any rate. And I swear I didn’t know. I told her, I’d never push her. And I meant what I said. If I could take it all back now, I would.”

“Is Buffy okay? I mean, she was fine the next morning, right?”

“Except for the hating me forever part. It shouldn’t have had any lasting effects. It’s something Warren came up with. Its affects are…different.”

“And you were planning on manufacturing a date rape drug?”

“Told you, it wasn’t like that.” Gods, he had been stupid. That was what Warren had probably made it for. Perhaps even used it for. He should have gotten rid of Warren a long time ago. Should have known the man was unstable.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like that. I thought maybe, a female version of Viagra. Taken in the right dosage, by someone who wants its affects…it could have been a great benefit to millions.”

“Ummm.” It was obvious that Tara wasn’t convinced. “What exactly are the affects?” Tara asked quietly.

“Well, not that I have any first hand knowledge other than as a chemist, but those other drugs out there, they make someone passive, compliant. This doesn’t work like that. It’s more like the real version of the mythical Spanish Fly. Makes whoever takes it feel randy as hell. I should have known that Buffy wouldn’t be like that normally. I should have suspected that something was wrong. She’s been so reluctant all along, I should have known that when she finally came around it wouldn’t be like that.”

“I guess I really don’t want to know.” She’d already heard more than she was comfortable with. It wasn’t so much that she didn’t believe Spike’s innocence, but how he could be so blind about Warren, when he obviously had KNOWN that the man had something like that….“But the question is now, what do you think Buffy is likely to do?”

“Like I said, I don’t know.” Spike’s eyes were haunted as he continued, remembering what had happened only yesterday. “Once she saw…once she suspected that she hadn’t just been drunk, she ran out of there in nothing but my t-shirt. I called a taxi to pick her up at the gates and take her home, but the taxi driver said she never showed. I’ve tried to apologize, tried to explain, but she won’t even listen to me, and I don’t blame her. I can only hope that as time goes by she’ll soften a little bit, but I don’t think its gonna be any time soon. This has to have just killed her, Tara. I mean, she had so little faith in men to begin with, and only the slightest bit of faith in me. I don’t think we can get over this, Tara, but I don’t know how I am going to live without her – especially not now. Not after I’ve seen what it could have been like between us.” His hands were balled into fists, and her pillow wasn’t going to be able to be saved. “Never wanted to kill anyone so much in my life. Probably should have. Would have done the world a favor to take that slime ball Warren out of it.”

“Are you sure he did it? Not that he wouldn’t be my first suspect.”

“Oh, he as much as admitted it. Said he thought I would appreciate it. That he did it as a favor to me. I think he just wanted a human subject to test it out on, although now that I think of it, I wouldn’t be surprised if Warren had drugged other girls before. He didn’t like the fact that proper trials and FDA approval would take years, perhaps even decades. He wanted his fortune now. I offered to buy the patent from him – but it wasn’t enough, he said. He wanted it all. I should have given in – given him whatever he wanted. But I never dreamed, I never thought he’d actually use it. I should have known better.”

“So what did you do to him? You didn’t kill him, you didn’t turn him in to the police, did you? That would be a bit hard to explain.”

“No. I did what I thought was fair. I sacked him, of course, but then gave him a triple dose of his own medicine and had him taken and dropped off at a gay bar just outside of town. Let him see what it feels like to be on the other end of that equation. He’s probably coming to his senses right about now. I only wish the drug didn’t have memory lapses as a side effect. If I could have, I’d make sure he’d have to live with the memory of what he’d done forever.”

“I think you’ve made yourself another enemy. Spike. Warren will never forgive you.”

“Think I care? Seems like I’ve got worse enemies than him – though he’s dealt me the worst blow I can imagine. I just can’t think how I’ll ever get Buffy to believe that I am innocent. Not after all the other things that have happened between us. But you do believe me, Tara. Don’t you?”

“Yes, Spike I do. But that isn’t going to help you any. I am not the one that you need to convince. And I agree with you – Buffy isn’t going to come around any time soon, no matter what you or I tell her. She’s been hurt too badly in the past, and she’ll see this as just one more in a long line of betrayals and abandonment. Let’s just hope she doesn’t decide to go to the police. You’ve had enough trouble along that line lately, and you don’t need any more.”

“God, I hadn’t even thought if that.”

“You should have. Do you still have the glass? If we can find Warren’s fingerprints on it, that would help your case if you have to defend yourself in court.”

“I don’t know. I wasn’t paying attention to details like that. Firstly I was concerned about Buffy, and then I wanted to get even with Warren. It could be that the glass is still sitting on my nightstand, or it could be Andrew’s already put it in the wash.”

“You let Andrew and Jonathan stay? Aren’t they friends of Warren’s?”

“Yeah, they are. Or they were. But they’re basically harmless. Warren might have been able to talk them into something evil, but they’d never come up with it on their own. They seemed pretty horrified when they’d heard what Warren had done. Jonathan especially was a friend of Buffy’s. I can’t imagine them hurting her.”





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