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Chapter 12 Is it love?

Thursday, July 24th 2005

Eleventh Entry

I’m trying not to count down so I wont. I will not. I’ll mentally believe that it is my first day here and I wont have to leave this sanctuary anytime soon. But I know it’s not true.

This room’s becoming my sanctuary. I see him here. But now I know it’s not really him when I shiver at night. I know that he’s gone. Forever, it seems. But it doesn’t seem so far away… only one blood vessel… one breath… one life away. So close.

And then I think about him as he was. When he was still with me. How full of life he was. And I miss his sarcasm. His sharp comments, his quick tongue, his ability to keep me on my feet. That’s when I realize what he would have wanted me to do. I think he would have wanted me to live. Sometimes, when I feel him standing in the corner of the room, I think he’s telling me to take my time and we’ll be together soon enough.

Will it be soon enough?

cont Saturday, April 9th, 2005

Somehow, we were sitting on the sand again, in the same spot that we had woken up in. The entire afternoon had gone by in the blur, Willow… Xander… Angel, Ms. Calendar – she insisted I call her Jenny, and Riley Finn, Faith and Cordelia – who both swore they’ve seen Spike somewhere before, Harmony and Anya who seemed surprised to see me but shoved it to the back of their minds, ice cream at the boardwalk that overlooked the more public beach that was joined with the neighboring town of Dowdell, casual dinner, and now we were here. Back at the little secluded area of Sunnydale’s second beach. The beach that held the cheery bonfire celebrating the 100th anniversary of the little town. The first day of Founder’s Festival. And now the second day of Founder’s Festival was coming to a close and we were sitting at the same exact spot.

Talking about the trivial things in life such as food.

“Did you know onions were an aphrodisiac, love?“

Wow. Leave it to him to know that. I buried my head in his arms as we sat on a boulder, waiting for the sun to go down.

“Really?” I mused, then made a face, “so it makes you want to do the deed and the second you go to kiss your lover, you gag in disgust?”

“You’re exaggerating, the after breath isn’t that repulsive,” he ran his hand up and down my arm.

“Have you ever tried kissing someone with onion breath?”

“Well, no,… but I’d kiss you with any breath,” he teased, lifting up my chin to give me a quick kiss on the lips.

“You just got me craving onion rings,” I sighed, melting into him. “It’s kinda surprising, but they actually make pretty good onion rings at the Doublemeat Palace.”

“Not as good as those onion blossom things,” he told me with a smile.

“Oh yeah, those are good. I love ‘em.”

“Yeah, me, too,” he grinned.

“Pretty amazing isn’t it? It’s like an onion, but it’s a flower, and it’s all pretty yet good to eat at the same time that you don’t want to break it,” I couldn’t believe we were talking about something like this, but then… he was just so fun to talk to about anything. Half the time I wonder to myself if I actually know what we’re talking about or if I’m just listening to that sexy accent of his go on and on.

“See, the genius of it is you soak it in ice water for an hour so it holds its shape. Then you deep-fry it root-side up for about 5 minutes,” he explained to me, looking a little too happy.

“Neato… and I’m not going to ask you how you know that,” I poked him.

“Oy!” he grabbed my hand and smiled down at me. “None of that, love,” he was grinning devilishly and suddenly waggled his fingers in front of my face, making me scream and scramble away. He caught me before I could escape and whispered in my ear. “Poke me again and we’ll hear who’s screaming…”

Remembering our tickle fight the other night, I sat up still and looked at him with wide eyes. And then slowly jutted out my bottom lip.

Yeah, I definitely knew which buttons to push because the next thing I knew, he was lifting me up and spinning around in his arms as he bent his head down to kiss me.

I closed my eyes, letting my other senses do their whole amplify by 20% thing as I took bliss in the feel of his soft lips against mine.

And I think this might have been when I knew. When I knew I was falling in love with him. And the fact that I realized this made my head dizzy and I just clung onto him tighter. I couldn’t let him go, but I couldn’t tell him. Couldn’t tell him I was falling because he might’ve run away. And if he ran… who would be there to catch me?

So I kept it to myself and just lost my being in his touch, hoping it would last forever.

…………

“It’s gorgeous,” I breathed, staring into the red, violet, and blue sky as the sun started to disappear under the horizon of the ocean. Spike had my back against his chest as he held me on his lap while we watched the sunset. He nuzzled my neck and I closed my eyes for a moment to savor the feeling.

“Not as gorgeous as you, pet,” he whispered in my ear.

“Stop that,” I gently slapped the arm that was wrapped around my waist.

“Stop what?” he nibbled on my ear before asking, “this? Now why would I want to do that?” He kissed a trail down my neck and onto my collarbone. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I turned in his arms so I faced him.

“Stop talking.”

I took his face in my hands and pulled him down for a kiss. A sweet kiss. That lasted about ten seconds before it turned into something else. Passion. I tried to show him my love through this kiss but I don’t know if he got the message.

“Fireworks gonna start soon, love,” I heard him telling me in between kisses.

“Mmm,” I moaned, pulling him closer. “Don’t care. Want you.”

“You’ve resorted to Neanderthal speak?” he grinned against my mouth, picking me up from our rock. He swung me around, making me giggle and squeal at the same time.

“Stop! Stop!” I choked out, laughing, “I’m getting dizzy! Put me down!”

He persisted in swirling me about and I really didn’t see how he was not getting dizzy, himself.

“Never,” he growled in my ear, playfully, “never putting my Buffy down.”

“No… no!” I pushed myself away from him halfheartedly, only to earn myself another spin in the other direction.

“Fine, you want to be put down?” there was no mistaking the wicked gleam in his eyes and before I could protest, he threw me onto the soft sand.

“You jerk,” I couldn’t stop laughing and he dove on top of me.

“What did you call me?” he nipped my neck, rolling us around in the sand.

“Big… pig-headed… jerk,” I squeezed in, gasping and trying to evade his deliciously hungry mouth at the same time..

“Oh baby,” he rolled away from me, “you wound me!” He feigned hurt and clutched at his heart. I raised an eyebrow, propping myself up on my elbows. We were both panting a little bit. He took one look at me, smirked, and declared, “And now you’re gonna pay!”

I had half a mind to just stand there and let him pounce on me, but I was having too much fun with our game and with an excited screech, scrambled to my feet and made a run for it.

…………

He took me again by the beach, Giles. And it was even more beautiful than the night before. It dawned on me then that it would be more and more amazing as we grew and the better I knew him, the more I would drown in him.

The first night, we came together as new lovers, trying out our love, basking in each other… And that night? We needed each other. It wasn’t trying out something new, we weren’t holding anything back. We were desperate for each other… dependent on the other as we both depended on air.

And as the fireworks went off in our heads, the fireworks went off in the sky.

And I wondered to myself if life could possibly get any better.

And I realized that… this was only the beginning. Things could only get better. Because I loved him. Right?




A/N: the little convo about blooming onions i pulled from season 7, when Spike's on the motorcycle with Andrew. I couldn't resist





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