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Note: Song's by Jack Johnson, it's called "Banana Pancakes".

Chapter 13 Breathe

Friday, July 25th 2005

Twelfth Entry

My mother came to visit me today.

We didn’t say a word to each other.

I wanted to cry, but I stayed strong.

She just sat across from me, staring at her fingernails. As if staring at me would be… wrong. Bad. As if she couldn’t. And I wanted nothing more than to say “Mommy…” and jump into her arms, but there was this barrier between us. I thought… I don’t know what I thought.

But as she turned around to leave, I told her I was sorry. I think she heard me because she stopped for a few seconds. But she didn’t turn to face me… she kept her back to me. And then she walked away.

Like everybody walked away.

Sunday, April 10th, 2005

But baby, you hardly even notice
When I try to show you
this song It's meant to keep you
From doin' what you're supposed to
Like wakin' up too early
Maybe we could sleep in
I'll make you banana pancakes
Pretend like it's the weekend now

And we could pretend it all the time
Can't you see that it's just rainin'
There ain't no need to go outside

I vaguely heard the radio as it started singing, waking me up. Damn, radio alarm clocks. I buried my head deeper into the pillow. No. Don’t want to wake up.

“Can’t you see that it’s just rainin’… There ain’t no need to go outside,” a husky voice sang into my ear. I lifted my head and turned around to see a smiling Spike lying next to me. I was still half-asleep and was trying to comprehend all that had happened. Last night. He drove me home. And now he was next to me… no shirt… and he was singing in my ear. And kissing my lips softly. Running his hand through my hair. I really liked waking up next to him.

“Nice to see you’re up, baby,” he whispered, holding me tightly. I snuggled closer to his warm chest.

“Mmm, this is nice,” I murmured, groggily, and kissed whatever was accessible at the time lazily. Wait. “How are you here?”

“Never left, remember?” he shifted his denim-covered leg so it was intertwined with mine and reached his hand out to take mine. “Spent the night just holding you, love.”

I almost told him I loved him. Right then and there.

“You’re sweet,” I kissed him again. And then I reached over to turn off the radio alarm. Which reminded me… “you don’t strike me as the type who likes Jack Johnson.”

He groaned and closed his eyes, “Good. I don’t.”

“Which was why you were singing along all merrily this morning to him,” I ran a hand through his hair. I really loved his hair, especially right after he woke up when it was all messy and soft. Perfect. Like the rest of him.

He grumbled some more before he rolled on top of me and pinned me to the bed.

“No, Spike,” I dodged a kiss. His throat made this funny sound… I guess he disapproved of that. “Parents…”

“Door’s looked,” he tried kissing me again. I dodged him again and he pouted, looking dejected. “I’ll be quiet! Promise.”

That’s when I heard footsteps coming up the stairs and I clamped my hand over Spike’s mouth. Someone knocked on my door.

“Buffy?”

It was my mom. Oh God… Spike … half-naked on my bed and my mom’s outside the door.

“Yeah, mom, I’m getting up!” I called to her.

“Okay, honey, come down soon! Breakfast is ready.”

I heard her footsteps pad away and Spike nipped at my fingers that were still over his mouth. I uncovered his mouth and stroked his cheekbone with a hand. I really loved admiring him. He closed his eyes and leaned into my hand.

“You should really go,” I told him, softly. I really didn’t want him to. He sighed and nodded.

“Yeah,” he gave me a quick kiss before getting off the bed. “I’ll see you later?”

I scooted over to him at the edge of the bed and brought his face down level with mine. Looking into his eyes briefly, I pulled him in for a soft kiss. Our lips lingered gently against each other for a while and we just stayed like that, tasting each other, not letting it go further than a tender caress. When we parted, I smiled.

“That’s a definite … maybe,” I giggled when he frowned.

“Maybe, huh?” he grabbed me and launched me against his body as he smashed his mouth against mine. I’d never get over him. Kisses like these? I’d never get over those, either.

When it was over, he pressed his forehead against mine and we both breathed deeply. “Still a maybe, love?”

“No, it turned into a yes.”

It was half an hour later before Spike climbed out my window to run across the street to his car and I finally left my bedroom to have breakfast.

…………
…………

Elegant.

That’s how I felt as I met Willow and Xander by the row of food in the town hall that afternoon. My mother had taken me for a shopping trip, something that happened on a rare occasion. We both needed to go dress shopping for the Town Dance, which was the last event of the 100th annual Founder’s Festival.

I had seen the dress instantly and fallen in love with it.

It was gorgeous – pale green, strapless, and floor-length. And the first thought that came to my mind was that it brought out my eyes. Spike would love that.

“Hey, so what’s new in the life of the Buffster?” Xander greeted me happily, handing me a plastic cup filled to the brim with red punch. Then added, sarcastically, “Besides, of course, the new and bleached addition to your lovely life.”

“Good, good, more complaints please,” I gave him an exasperated look, but he just shook his head. I took a quick sip of the punch, not wanting it to spill over.

“I don’t like him.”

“Yeah, got that message. You were pretty clear with the – “ I held up a fist and mock-punched Xander’s nose, “ – machoness. It was actually kind of cute, right Willow?”

Willow jumped and sputtered, her punch spitting out of her mouth as she looked at me with wide eyes.

“Nuh uh, I’m not getting mixed into, you know,” she gestured to the area in front of her. “That’s dangerous territory right there, missy, and I’m not going into it.”

“Hey look, his evilness is staring – “ Xander had his head turned but quickly whipped around, “- nothing!” But it was too late.

“What?” I looked over Xander’s shoulder and saw Spike at the far wall of the town hall. “Oh look, there’s Spike, I’m going to – “

“Buffy, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Xander shook his head at me. “I mean, look at him! He looks like an evil blood-sucking fiend that can’t tell the difference between Clorox and shampoo.”

“Xander, please…” I put my punch down on the table.

“Look! he’s giving me the fiendish death stare of his… this guy is trouble, Buff. Real, serious trouble. Trust my loving-friend intuition on this one. It’s like a women’s intuition. Without the woman… “ I drowned out Xander’s voice as I moved to go past him and talk to Spike. He was staring at us with… a look in his eyes. It puzzled me because I couldn’t exactly read what the look meant. He just seemed so… alone. Vacant.

And that made me more determined to get past the sea of people so I could reach him.

But Angel intercepted me, first.

“Hey, Buffy!” he sounded enthusiastic. Very enthusiastic. “How’re you doing?”

“Great, Angel,” I smiled politely then tried to move around him, but he moved with me, blocking my path.

“Has that guy bothered you anymore?” he prodded. I shook my head.

“No, haven’t seen him since you rescued me…” I smiled again.

“Oh well, that’s… great,” he kept moving in my way and talking. “Oh, look! I’m thirsty, mind getting me a punch?”

What the hell?

“Punch table’s right there, Angel… “ I pointed, “I’m sure you can manage… now if you’ll excuse me.”

His face fell, defeated. “Buffy… are you going to go talk to Spike?”

“Yeah,” I looked up at him, surprised.

“I really… would advise you not to,” he said quietly, turning me so I looked him in the eyes. Xander seemed to materialize out of nowhere.

“I agree with the… “ he looked Angel over, “ … the man in the dark blue suit.”

All three of us turned to look at Spike standing by the wall. This time, he wasn’t looking in our direction anymore, but was focused somewhere… else. And just before I turned my head to tell Angel and Xander to leave me alone, I saw a dark haired woman walk up to Spike, give him a dazzling smile, hook her arm in his, and hand him a glass of champagne. And something inside me… broke.

“Who is she?” I all but whispered, all the breath had faded from me. Angel looked away and Xander seemed stricken.

“God, Buffy,” he breathed. It was obvious that all the times he had given Spike a hard time was just him being… Xander and he never really thought…

But of course, he didn’t think. Because Spike would not… he wouldn’t. He was looking at me now and something in his eyes made me want to just… go home and crawl under the sheets. But I had to know. So I broke away from Angel and Xander and made my way to him… the man that I thought I was falling for.

He saw me approach and I could see the lines in his face tighten and his jaw clench.

I didn’t breath until I was directly in front of him, staring straight into those crystal clear blue eyes of his that reflected all the oceans in the world.

“Hello… Dr. Pratt,” I said, softly.

“Buffy,” his voice sounded a little hoarse. A little unpracticed. A little uneasy. “Buffy, I’d like you to meet… my fiancé.”

You know the thing that was inside me that I felt break earlier? I found out what it was. It was a little glass figurine, one of the beautiful Murano glass creations from Italy,.. delicate, precious, beautiful. It was hanging from a golden chain that I was holding onto tightly. I was holding it with the tightest grip I had in me. And the minute I saw that brunette beauty that was currently in his arms? I felt my grip grow weak… as if my hand were tired all of a sudden. And as soon as he said my name?… I let go of the golden chain and the glass figurine started tumbling to the ground slowly. Slow motion. Falling… falling… and I was diving down to catch it.

And when he said ‘fiancé’? It shattered to the ground and my hand was empty.

So that’s what it felt like to have your heart broken. Now I knew.

…………

I need a break, Giles. I’m taking a walk. I’ll finish the day when I get back. Because now I need to breathe.

I’m going out, now. To go breathe.





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