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References to The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald. If you haven't read or studied the book in school, the eyes of Dr. TJ Ecleburg kind of symbolise the eyes of God... they see everything going on in the city. There's a reference to him... doesn't really make that big of a difference, just thought ya'll should know


Chapter 14 Dangerously In Love With You

Thirteenth entry.

Same day, different time.

Just finishing what I started.

cont Sunday, April 10th, 2005

The dark-haired woman regarded me with a haughty look and gave me a calculated smile before offering me her hand.

“Cecily Wyndam-Pryce.”

I stared at her jeweled hand. She had given me her left hand. And I saw a golden band on her finger. Engagement ring, of course. She just had to give me the left hand.

That bitch.

“Buffy Summers, nice to meet you,” I said as quickly as possible, ignoring her hand and looking back up at Spike. There was something in those eyes.

But I didn’t want to figure it out. I had enough. When he told us that we were wrong? That day in the alley? Why couldn’t I just have forgotten about him?

“Nice seeing you here, Dr. Pratt,” I tried to give him a small smile. Save some dignity. But I really couldn’t. I was too busy keeping the tears from falling. So I spun around on my heel and walked away.

Away. Far away. I needed to be away.

“Buffy,” Angel grabbed my arm as I went past him and I stopped, not bothering to face him. “Buffy… I’m sorry. I really am. I tried to tell you… just… sorry.”

“Not your fault,” I shook his hand off and kept moving. I had to get out. Leave. I had to breathe. I felt like the insides were closing in, I felt all the eyes of the people in the room looking at me. Like the eyes of Dr. TJ Eckleburg.

God, how could I be so stupid?

I avoided Willow and Xander as I hurried away, dodging bodies, slipping in and out until I was at the door leading to the outside world. Where it had started raining.

I opened the door and hung on to the railing of the balcony. I closed my eyes and listened to each and every drop of rain fall, tumble, and crash onto the white, wooden floor. I let myself cry.

I looked down at my dress and felt ridiculous. Like I had been the butt of a bad joke. The tears streamed down my eyes and mixed in with the rain. My makeup was probably ruined. But I didn’t give a damn. Each breath I took seemed like it had been amplified, as if I were breathing heavily into a goddamn microphone. And there was only two functioning senses that were working as I closed my eyes off to the world. Sound and Touch. I couldn’t smell anything except the rain in the air and I couldn’t taste anything except the bitterness in my mouth.

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens. How come I wasn’t feeling better yet?

I heard the rain pound on all the surfaces around me and I heard my breathing. I felt the cool water dripping down my exposed skin, chilling me to the bone, yet never cold enough. Never enough to drown out the fire that had started to burn me from the inside out. Forest fire. Never was a good thing. Never enough ice. Never put out the fire.

In. Out. In. Out. I tried to control my breathing.

The door behind me opened and I knew who was standing there. I always knew.

In. Out. In. Out.

“Buffy, love…” his voice. It was scratchy. It was soft. It made me hate him.

“No,” I said sharply, surprised at the harshness of my voice. “Don’t call me that… don’t you dare call me that.”

In. Out. In. Out.

“Please… love, please.”

He called me that again. I felt him move closer and I whirled around to face him.

“Is this funny? Is this some kind of sick joke? Don’t…” I choked and took a deep, ragged breath. “Don’t come – “

He took another step closer and I tried taking a step backwards, but ran into the railing that I had been leaning against.

“Go away, don’t come closer. I don’t want you near me,” I couldn’t scream at him like I wanted to. My voice hurt too badly.

“Buffy, I can explain…” he pleaded with me, paying no attention to me and taking another step closer, “please, just listen to me…”

He was standing there in a dark tuxedo, hair wet from the rain. It wasn’t slicked back like usual. And I could see the pearls of raindrops on his skin, clinging to him before getting washed away by a bigger raindrop. He looked broken. Maybe he was broken.

“No.”

I couldn’t look at him anymore and spun away, making my way down the stairs so I could just run out of there. I nearly tripped. Stupid shoes.

He saw me almost fall and dove after me. He put his arms around me and for a second, I closed my eyes to relish the feeling. Then I realized why I was out there in the first place…

“Get away,” I screamed at him, pushing him away from me.

“Please, lov- Buffy, I didn’t know,” I didn’t know if he was crying or if the wetness on his face was the water from the sky. Please let him be crying. I wanted him to hurt. “I didn’t know…. I didn’t know.”

“Didn’t know what? That you were engaged? Oh, please,” I stared down the deserted sidewalk.

“I – I didn’t know she would show up,” he said, quietly. Deflated. Broken… maybe.

“Oh, that’s rich,” I scoffed. “I’m happy she showed up. What were you going to do? Keep her a secret? You don’t keep secrets like that, you, aghhhhhhhhh” I had to scream. Let it out. Go Buffy, let it out. “Oh wait. Actually… it looks like I’m the one who’s a secret. Well guess what, Spike? Secret’s out… secret wants out… secret doesn’t want to be a fucking secret!”

“You know this was more than – “

“No, this was nothing, Spike,” I began to walk away. “One day, this will be a memory. It was fun, but it was fake. It meant nothing. I’m glad I met you Spike… I really did.”

And I broke off at a run.

…………

What was I doing? What was I thinking? I was at our special place again. The place that I had grown to love almost as much as I loved him. But I didn’t love him. No, no no no, no no no, no I didn’t. No love. At all.

It was still raining and my gown was ruined. My lovely, stupid gown. I sat down at our boulder. My boulder. Who cared if the gown got dirty?

The beach was about a little less than a mile away from the town hall and I had run all the way. It felt good to just run in the rain. Let out a little anger… a little heartache. The rain seemed to wash it all away… wash it all away.

“Buffy, let me explain.”

Oh, you got to be fucking shitting me.

“I remembered I told you ‘no’”

“Yeah, but I took your ‘no’ as in ‘eventually’, and I realized I had to explain now.”

He was standing behind me and this reminded me a lot of that night at the bonfire… except it was different in many respects. Many, many respects.

“You have problems with that word, don’t you?”

I wouldn’t look at him at all this time. Wouldn’t give him that. Had some pride to save.

“Yeah, I really do. Buffy, please… turn around,” he begged.

“No.”

“I want to – need to explain this…”

“Explain to your fiance,” I said, flatly. “She’s the one who needs explaining to.”

“I’m explaining to you, pet. Buffy, please.”

“Five minutes. Go.”

“Bloody hell, I need more than that,” I knew his hands were probably running through his head or maybe he was going through his pockets for a cigarette. But it was raining. The ocean was churning… a little angrier than it was used to.

“You’re wasting time.”

Silence. I knew his eyes were closed, or maybe he had his eyes up at the top of his head like he did whenever he was thinking real hard…

“I met her when I was eighteen,” he finally started. “Was nothing more than a one night stand… I was pissed, she was there, it was convenient. That’s all it was.

“I went on with life, as I always do. Happens that a week later, she shows up at my front step and declares ever-lasting love for me. I’m only eighteen… I hardly remember who she was, and I’m thinking ‘bloody hell, what have I gotten myself into?’. So I did the only thing a bloke in my position could do – I tried to straighten her out,” he let out a chuckle that held no amusement.

“Bloody great that turned out. I finally think I’ve got rid of the chit and a month later, she comes back. What do I know? Surprise, William, you’re a father, isn’t that just bloody fucking grand! Now that’s when I find out she’s fourteen years old and daddy’s waiting at home with a shotgun, ready to hunt me down.

“Turns out that her old man had another plan in mind other than shooting me. He made me a proposition. I agree to marry her, he’ll pay for my education, pay me through medical school, pay me whatever I need to set a stable business in the states. When I get myself all nice and settled… he’ll send over his daughter and we’ll have a happy wedding. If I didn’t agree to marry her, he’ll report me and I get up close and personal with the British Police.

“Buffy,… I was eighteen… I was poor, I had no money, and it seemed like a good choice. So I agreed.”

He was inches away from me now. I could feel it, but I was frozen in place.

“I haven’t seen her since I was nineteen. I never had a reason to regret my decision. But… then I met you,” he whispered.

I don’t know if I heard half the things he told me. Or if I even believed what I heard. I just knew… that I couldn’t go on like this. Couldn’t be the other one… couldn’t be the dirty secret.

“Okay,” that’s all I could say. I stared out into the ocean. Silence. He was staring at my back now. I knew he was.

“That’s all?” he asked. I nodded.

“There’s too much… too many things in the way. I don’t want to think about it,” I got to my feet and walked away. Away anywhere… I just needed more distance from him.

“Buffy – “

“This is wrong! Don’t you see it?” I gritted my teeth as I turned to face him. He was a mess. His jacket was discarded, his dress shirt soaked, his tie loosened…

For the first time .. he raised his voice.

“I know that! This thing between you and me? I know it’s wrong! You think I don’t know that? I’m not a complete idiot!” he was shaking, “You think I haven’t tried fighting it? Every night I tell myself that tomorrow I would forget! And every morning I wake up completely drowned in thoughts of… you! Bloody hell, Buffy, if all you have to say is that this is wrong… ”

I didn’t say anything. He continued.

“I’ve tried everything, love. And I can’t help it… I can’t save myself from drowning,” he reached his hand out to me then dropped it, hanging his head. “I couldn’t save myself from falling… falling completely in love with you.”

He loved me. Despite myself, something inside me swelled up and I almost smiled.

“What?” I asked, weakly, “you can’t… no, you don’t…”

“I do,” he looked into my eyes. “I’ve fallen completely, insanely, head-over-heels, church bells ringing, dangerously in love with you.”

It was too much for me to take in. The fact that he had this… this entire past I had no idea about, the fact that he had a fiancé, the fact that he loved me…

I needed time. And space. I didn’t know what was going on. I was so… confused. I had no clue what to do.

“I need… I need to go.”

That’s all I said. And I saw the pained look in his face as the words came out of my mind and it killed me to see him like that.

“I need time… please, just give me that,” I added. Half-pleadingly.

I walked away from him and didn’t look back. But I could feel the intensity of his gaze on my back the entire time.





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