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A/N: The song is "Without You", in the Broadway musical Rent. It's really a beautiful song and I really think you should listen to it before reading this. It might get you into the mood - at least for the earlier parts of this chapter. I've never seen the movie, but the Broadway musical is incredible, and i think everyone should go watch it!


Chapter 15 Without You

Saturday, July 26th 2005

Fourteenth Entry.

I don’t know, Giles. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. What would you do if the man,… or actually, woman you loved was engaged and you just found out? And then she tells you that she’s in love with you. And then you find out she has a son to top it all off.

Yeah, he had a son. I never met him… I heard he was the spitting image of his father, though. Name was James Liam Pratt. It’s a nice name, isn’t it? Nice and sturdy.

Yeah. It’s a nice name.

Monday, April 11th, 2005


Without you, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows.
Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom,
The children play. The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly, without you.
The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you.



The orchid that my mother had bought over a week ago and had lovingly placed by the fireplace had finally blossomed. White, pure, it was a beauty. It was the first thing you saw when you entered the living room.

The spring always seemed to promise new life. With each April shower, flowers bloomed and life sprang up everywhere.

And for the few precious seconds after the morning alarm went off - you know, the fleeting moment before you wake up when you’re lying in bed pretending you don’t hear the beeping - I was happy. Then the world came crashing down and I remembered everything.

In school, I knew people were staring at me, trying to figure out what had happened on Sunday. Nobody approached me about it, though. Xander and Willow were there for me, offering an arm to hold, a shoulder to cry on. But they didn’t say a word. Nobody said a word.

Which left me to myself. They left me with my thoughts. And I was grateful. I was grateful.


Friday, April 15th, 2005


Without you, the breeze warms, the girl smiles, the cloud moves.
Without you, the tides change, the boys run, the oceans crash.
The crowds roar, the days soar, the babies cry, without you.
The moon glows, the river flows, but I die, without you.



A week had gone by… flew by. I smiled, people smiled, everybody smiled. I played at the happy, carefree game. But God knows, inside I was dying. I never saw him. Not once in the week. I was happy. I was happy. I was happy just dying by myself. Feeling my heart clench up and my emotions clog.

I wondered how he was doing. But then I remembered his fiancé and I stopped wondering.


Wednesday, April 20th, 2005


The world revives,
Colors renew,
But I know blue, only blue, lonely blue, within me blue
Without you. Without you the hand gropes, the ear hears, the pulse beats.
Without you, the eyes gaze, the legs walks, the lungs breath.
The mind churns!
The heart yearns!



The weekend came and gone and I prayed that I would see him. Not talk to him… just see him in the passing. Look into his eyes. But at the same time, I denied it. Of course I didn’t want to see him. I wanted to pretend he didn’t exist. So I locked myself up in my room and stared out through the clear glass of my window, wondering if he would stop by the house just to… see if I was home. And if I was when he stopped by, I would refuse to see him. But I would be happy that he cared.

He never stopped by.

I was a living contradiction and it was eating me up. And for the first time in my life, I was happy when school began. Because school provided distraction.


Saturday, April 23rd, 2005


The tears dry, without you.
Life goes on, but I'm gone.
'Cause I die, without you.
Without you.



And by the time Saturday rolled around, I knew I couldn’t live anymore. I couldn’t just be a walking, breathing, eating, drinking lump of waste. I was incomplete and I couldn’t go on without … being whole again.

So I put my best foot forward and decided to go to the Bronze.

…………

Maybe it was the heat… maybe it was the pounding of the music… whatever it was, it was making me feel sick. The minute I entered the crowded club, I felt nauseous and my head began to spin. It was easy to spot Xander and Willow in the back corner and I made my way through the dancing bodies to get to them.

“Kinda hard to breathe in here, isn’t it,” I smiled as I slid into the booth next to Xander and across from Willow. They both looked at me at the same time, surprised.

“Hey, Buff,” Xander put his arm around me in a comforting hug and Willow smiled.

“You feeling okay, Buffy?” she asked, softly, patting my hand. I nodded.

“Trying to let loose, let some steam out, you know,” I gave them a cheery smile, but their melancholy faces didn’t fade away. “Hey, what’s with the sad-face, guys?”

“We’re just a little worried about you, that’s all,” Willow said, the tight smile disappearing and replaced with a frown.

“Why? I’m fine, see?” I pointed to myself and plastered a wide grin on my face, “happy. Everything’s of the good. No worries, promise.”

“You sure?” It was Xander’s turn to frown. “It’s okay if you’re still upset, Buffy. It wasn’t that long ago… You know, when I get a hold of that over-bleached jerkface, I’ll – “

“Stop,” it was becoming hard work to keep the smile up. “Look, I really don’t want to talk about it. I came out here to have a good time with my friends… can we just… do that?”

“Sure thing, Buffy,” Willow nodded, relaxing a little bit.

“Yeah, but don’t forget,” Xander pointed a finger at me, “if you ever, ever need to work off some frustration… don’t hesitate to come to good old reliable Xan-man here, okay? You seemed a little down all week and you know I hate to see you like that.”

“Thanks, you guys,” I told them, gratefully. I put my arm around Xander to give him a quick hug and he patted my shoulder reassuringly.

“So, did you study for that calculus test, yet?” Willow asked with a grin, “I heard it’s a real humdinger!”

“Willow!” Both me and Xander groaned in unison. I gave her a little look, “I said I was out here to have a good time.”

“What, you don’t want to study?” Willow pretended she was shocked, “but I learned a new way to memorize the trig integrals! It’s fun, I promise!”

“So, anyways,” Xander ignored her, turning to me, “has, uh, Cordelia mentioned anything about me, yet? Anything not along the lines of ‘dorkiest thing since pocket calculators’?”

“Well, not exactly,” I thought for a minute then brightened, “But she did say the other day that she would rather eat worm food than talk to your unpopular self!”

“Ah,” Xander smiled dreamily, reclining back into the booth, “she loves me. In a very not-loving way, but still, it’s something.”

“Xander,” Willow rolled her eyes. “She loves you as much as she loves getting split ends. What? That’s what she said the other day in the bathroom! I heard her!”

I laughed with her and Xander gave us both a glare.

“Just wait, ladies,” he insisted, “One day, she’ll recognize me for who I really am. A great, handsome, very intelligent man who’ll get her more money than any quarterback – “ Willow and I gave him a look “ – hey, I said one day - “

“One day in your dream,” A bright voice interrupted him and we all turned to see Cordelia, standing by our table. “Come to think of it, you probably already have dreamed tha – okay, I don’t want to think of it. Don’t look now, Buffy, but your boy’s just about to come in.”

And with a switch of her hips and a flap of her hand, she walked away, leaving us with our mouths gaping open.

The second he entered ‘The Bronze’, I could feel him and my head twisted of its own accord and my neck strained to get a glimpse of him. And there he was, all in black, staring straight at me. My breath caught in my throat and for a few seconds that seemed to last forever, it was just him and me in the club, looking at each other.

For those few seconds… the missing piece of the puzzle was set in place and I felt something that I hadn’t felt for the past two weeks. Complete. Electricity must have been shooting between our eyes. I felt myself beginning to heat up and the back of my neck started to tingle, deliciously.

And then somebody appeared next to him, taking his arm, and diverting his attention. The connection was broken and the puzzle was shaken apart until all the little pieces were lying haphazardly across the floor as Spike turned his head to listen to what his fiancé was whispering in his ear.

My stomach tightened in a jealous knot and I forced my head to turn away from the couple. The engaged couple. Willow grabbed my hand and gently squeezed it, pouring comfort in the simple gesture and Xander wrapped his arm around my shoulder to hold me close.

“I’ll kill him,” he breathed and I could hear the intense hate laced in with his words.

“No,” I shook my head, “he… he hurt me but he doesn’t deserve that.”

Yes, he did…

“He deserves to have his spleen pecked out by ravenous hawks by day and then have it grow again during the night so it can be pecked out again the next day. Like that Greek dude,… Hercules or something,” Xander was still fuming.

“You mean Prometheus,” Willow informed him, “and it was an eagle that devoured his liver.”

“You get my point.”

I couldn’t get into the conversation as Willow and Xander turned to a safer topic of cheese and milk. And I also couldn’t help myself from turning around every so often to see what Spike and his fiancé were doing.

Most of the time, she was clinging on to his arm and he was smiling at her. Sometimes they danced together, slowly, comfortably. Other times they were chatting animatedly. The more I looked over, the tighter I gripped the table in front of me. The closer they got, the more I saw red.

Until I finally felt the urge to scream and brought my hands up to my mouth to muffle the sound.

“But, provolone is so much better than mozzarella in so many different – “ they turned their heads as I vented my frustration, “Buffy? Are you alright?”

I opened the eyes that I had been squeezing shut and took a deep breath. Scanning the perimeters of the club, I spotted R.J. leaning against a tall round table surrounded by Faith, Cordelia, and Amy.

“I’m gonna go dance,” I smiled at them and pushed myself up from the cushiony booth and away from the table.

Deep breathes, Buffy, I recited to myself as I made my way towards R.J.. Faith saw me first and I saw her tap R.J.’s shoulder then gesture towards me. He slowly turned around and I noticed a small smile creep up his face. Okay,… you can do this… okay… concentrate… concentrate…

Before I knew it, I found myself standing directly in front of R.J. and smiling at him as if there was no tomorrow. I could tell he was pleased by the smug grin and the expectant look that was washed over his handsome features.

“So… R.J.,” I started…

“Hey, Buffy,” he said softly, smiling at me. This was going to be a lot easier than I thought.

“You wanna dance?”

He set down his drink on the table and held out a hand.

“’Bout time.”

Smiling sardonically, I took it and let him lead me to the middle of the dance floor. Almost as if they had been cued, the band changed songs and the slow, leisurely beat changed to a fast, alluring, upbeat tempo. Just what I needed.

As I pressed my back to his chest and wound my arms around his neck behind me, I adjusted myself to the rhythm of the song, closed my eyes, and began the process of losing myself completely. I pretended that the arms making their way around my waist belonged to the one man that I really wanted to dance with… the man with that low voice and the heart-fluttering accent. The man who knew how to make me hot, sweaty, and gasping for breath.

His arms held me close as we grinded together and his head lowered until he had his nose against my cheek and I let my head fall back against him. I was releasing my frustration. And I knew that it gave my dancing an edge.

I felt his eyes on me. Not the boy who was dancing with me – he was too busy nuzzling my neck and running his hand across the slightly frayed tops of my jeans where they hung loosely on my hips – but the eyes of a particularly good-looking male with a little scar on his eyebrow and beautiful cheekbones. Namely, the man I fell for. I saw his eyes staring at the way R.J.’s hands were skimming across my hipbones, making their way to the exposed skin between my pants and shirt. I felt his eyes burn with fury as R.J.’s hands slipped under my shirt.

I stopped their movements with my own hands, pushing his away until they rested still on my hips and I thought I could feel the anger coming from his eyes diminish… a little.

The song ended and I turned around to bring R.J.’s face to my own. His eyes widened a little as I gave him a small smile.

I brought my lips up to his ear. “Did I thank you for agreeing to dance with me, yet?”

I traced his shoulder with my hand and felt him shudder. “No.”

His voice was shaky and I have to admit… it was kind of cute. I laughed softly as I backed away.

“Don’t you wish I did?”

And I turned my back on him.

I knew he was probably staring after me with a shocked expression, but I didn’t care. I got what I wanted from him. Forgive me if this makes me a bitch, but I needed to know that somehow... I was still desirable. I wanted to feel power and I wanted to feel in control.

And I wanted him to realize it.





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