[Reviews - 144]
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Microsoft Word Chapter or Story | ePub eBook Chapter or Story | Printer Chapter or Story

Has been viewed 2475 times

- Text Size +




Chapter 16 Always Yours

Sunday, July 27th 2005

Fifteenth Entry.

Why do we get jealous? Do you know? Why is it that when we’re hurt, we strike back? And usually, it’s in a form to get whoever we’re trying to hit back jealous. I’m not really sure why we do it.

Take girls, for instance. We’re always competing, always comparing. Rivals do everything they can to have what the other wants. It makes you feel good when someone you hate is jealous out of their mind and seething in contempt. We like to hurt people.

I think that’s it. We like to hurt people.

So I guess the question is… why do we hurt people?

cont Saturday, April 23rd, 2005

I didn’t go back to the table where Willow and Xander were waiting for me. Instead, I slipped past the restrooms to the partially hidden backdoor and stepped out into the alleyway behind ‘The Bronze’.

The night was cool and I carelessly rubbed my bare arms with equally cool hands, trying in vain to warm myself, as the thoughts that had been piling up since two Sundays ago overwhelmed me. It occurred to me that I didn’t remember anything specific what went on in the past two weeks. It all seemed to meld together into a huge mushball of, well, two weeks. I had been living such a numb existence - nodding, agreeing, doing whatever I needed to in order to get by, not really letting my mind dwell on anything serious.

There was only one prominent thought that stuck me as I stood there, staring blankly out into the sky.

’I’ve fallen completely, insanely, head-over-heels, church bells ringing, dangerously in love with you.’

And when I had looked into his eyes, I saw it. Underneath the ocean blue, there was this… intensity, this great storm of passion, and I knew that he meant it. So why had I run away?

Oh yeah, because of a slight problem. His fiancé. I growled at the thought. I knew I couldn’t demand that he leave her and stay with me, as appealing as that may have sounded. It was selfish. It was stupid. Hell, it wasn’t even realistic!

Suddenly the door behind me slammed and my breath was knocked out as my body was whirled around.

“What the – “ I almost screamed, but it died in my throat as I was violently slammed against the brick side of the building. Ruthless lips were viciously smashed against mine before I could protest, pulling me into an angry kiss.

Everything that had been swimming around in my mind evaporated and I found myself responding almost immediately to him, demanding just as much as I was giving. Coherent thoughts were abandoned and the only thing I could hold onto was the feel of him, the brick wall scratching my back, the weight of his body pressing against mine, the brutality of the kiss along with –

“What the hell were you doing out there?” His lips were off of mine before I could come to any of my senses and he was pacing back and forth in the alley, refusing to look at me. “What the hell are you playing at?”

He was angry? I wiped my lips with the back of my hand and stepped away from the wall. Good. I wanted – no, needed - him to feel angry. To feel something. I watched him as he flung his hands up and raked his fingers through his hair.

“Practically shagging that bloody wanker on the dance floor. Buffy, what the fuck are you trying to pull?” he finally turned to me and I could see the fire in his eyes.

But I saw something else, too. Mixed in with the anger, the jealousy, contempt, fury, I could see a trace of hurt that outshone everything. I almost pulled him into my arms, but I fought the need to comfort him. What right had he to be angry? He was engaged for godsakes.

“It’s my business what I do on the dance floor and who I do it with,” I raised my chin and looked him defiantly in the eye. I didn’t want to say that. I wanted to go to him and hold him, assure him that it meant nothing. That it was just a way of letting my anger out.

“You’re mine,” he practically growled. His eyes were flashing dangerously and he took an intimidating step closer, but I refused to back down.

“No. I’m. Not.” I said slowly. “You’re engaged. It’s not my fault you went and got yourself a fiancé.”

“I didn’t – “ he started then stopped. “Buffy, you know that – “

“Stop,” I turned away. I could feel a tear make it’s way to my eye but he wouldn’t get to see it fall. I made sure of that. “You lied to me. You made me think that we could be together. Goddammit, Spike.”

“I told you there were complications!” He reached out to me and took hold of my arm.

“Not like this one! No, Spike,” I yanked my arm away from him, not believing what I was hearing. “The complications you mentioned? The fact that you’re my doctor? The fact that you’re more than a decade older than me? I was willing to live with that. Hell, I didn’t even really care. But this? You just threw this at me, Spike. After what we – after everything – you just… “

I couldn’t continue. There was a long pause before Spike spoke up.

“So.. what, you’ll just take it up with any bloke that’s up for the occasion? Just offering yourself to any takers? What is this, love? Retribution because I have a fiancé?” his words were icy and when I whirled around to push him as far away from me as possible, I saw that his eyes sparked with heated fire.

“You’re unbelievable. First of all, I know R.J. and he’s not just any random guy – “

“Oh, thank you love, that makes it all right and dandy! Why don’t you run along and finish shagging his brains out now.” His sarcasm wasn’t missed. I backed away from him, swallowing down the angry words that immediately pushed their way up to my mouth. I wouldn’t let him know how I felt… couldn’t, wouldn’t, shouldn’t, wont.

“Fine.”

And I swiveled around to reach for the backdoor to the club.

“Don’t you dare…” he grabbed my arm as I started going back in. “Just tell me what it was… were you trying to hurt me? Because it worked, pet. I nearly died in there.”

I lost it. Where did he get off, telling me that I hurt him and telling me what I could or could not do. I gathered all my strength and swung out my fist, catching him fully in the nose. God, that hurt… I winced, bringing my hand up to my mouth.

“Bloody hell!” he yelped, clutching his nose and staggering backwards. I shook out my injured hand and turned on him angrily.

“And you think I didn’t die? You think I liked watching you hold her and smile at her out in public and not be ashamed to have her in your arms? You think I felt good when you told me you were married?” I didn’t let my tears fall down.

“Not married! Just engaged. I don’t even wear a bloody ring,” he shouted back, still holding his nose with his right hand and thrusting his left one out for me to inspect.

“Same difference! Spike, don’t treat me this way. Don’t treat me like I’m just your side whore,” I threw his waving hand away from my face. “Don’t treat me like I’m this mistress that you can just have around whenever you don’t want to be with your future wife.”

I thought I saw his face crumble a little bit. A wave of pain flutter quickly through his face and disappeared as his anger seemed to be dulled by hurt. His voice cracked a little bit. Just a little.

“You’re more than that, Buffy… you know that.”

Don’t listen… don’t listen to the nice words… don’t give in….

“Well tell that to your fucking wife,” I spat out.

“Fiancé,” he corrected me.

“Whatever!”

“Buffy – “

No!

“Stop! I don’t want to hear it. If she’s your fiancé, then what am I?” I asked him and I felt a salty tear trickle down my face and quickly wiped it away with the back of my hand.

He didn’t answer me. Instead, he looked down at my feet and didn’t say anything.

“That’s what I thought. This makes me your little fucktoy – “

“Don’t say that!” His head snapped back up.

“Then don’t treat me like one!”

“I don’t – “

I cut him off. “Don’t what, Spike? Don’t treat me like I’m your dirty little secret? Like I’m this mistress that no one’s supposed to know about? Oh wait! Never mind, that’s exactly how your treat me!”

Now, I couldn’t stop the steady stream of tears from running down my reddening cheeks. I glared through them, fighting to stay firm and strong when all I wanted to do was bury my head in my pillow and sleep. Maybe just cry to myself and Mr. Gordo.

“I love you! Doesn’t that mean something? I told you.”

He said it again and my heart jumped. No…

“I hear the words coming out of our mouth… but they don’t mean anything,” my throat constricted and my voice was starting to feel raw.

“Stupid sodding bint…” he muttered to himself. “How can you say that? They mean everything! They’re a bloody revelation!”

And I wanted to believe him, to just let his words reign in my emotions and let them comfort me. But I shook my head, denying them entrance.

“Tell me… what am I supposed to do with a man who claims he loves me one second and struts around with his fiancé the next? How do you think that makes me feel? Knowing that at the end of the day, she’s the one who really has you? Knowing that she’s the one you have a child with? What, do I just comfort myself at night and remind myself ‘oh, it’s okay… he says he loves me!’. It’s not enough, Spike.”

He looked at me with glistening eyes. Defeated eyes.

“What do you want from me, Buffy?” he asked, quietly. What did I want from him? God, I didn’t want anything from him. I just wanted him. All of him.

“I don’t know. Everything yet nothing. I’m not really sure… I want to mean something. What do I mean, Spike?” I sounded desperate. Desperately hopeful.

“You mean the world to me.”

And that was what I wanted. For me to be his world and his to be mine. Why couldn’t that just be it? Why couldn’t we just be together in our own little world? Run away together, hide each other, look in each other’s faces for the rest of our lives? But we couldn’t be, and I knew it.

“How can I mean the world to you… when I can only see you in back alleys?”

He took a meaningful step towards me and cupped my face in his hands. This time, I let him hold me and closed my eyes. His hands were so comforting. He leaned towards me and whispered, “I love you.”

I pulled away. “Again… I’m just hearing it.”

“What do you want me to do, love? Leave her?”

“Is it selfish if I say ‘yes’?”

It was selfish and I knew it. I couldn’t break up a family and cause distress like that. I only knew the feeling too well and I never wanted to be the cause of it.

“You don’t think I’d do that for you? If I could, I’d do it in a heartbeat,” his voice was clear and strong. He spoke pleadingly, searching my eyes with his as if he wanted to see my soul. “You know that.”

“Okay.”

I was too weak to say much. I knew what was coming – expected it, of course. Sometimes I let my hopes take over me. I let wishes run wild, almost believing they might come true. His eyes softened.

“I’m a man of my word. Pet, I can’t just leave her there after I gave her my promise. I have a son waiting for me in London. Granted, one that I haven’t been around much to see, but still. There’s too many… Her father’s the reason I’m here today. Hell, if it hadn’t been for the strings he pulled, I would never have met you.”

“And what difference does that make if you’ve never met me? I’d rather have not met you than sit in there and watch you with her.”

Silence.

He spoke the words again. “I love you. More than anything.”

I waited a moment, taking them in. Maybe, if he told me enough, I would let myself believe that it was enough for us. Love had to be enough for us – it was enough for everybody, wasn’t it? It had to be. Because if it wasn’t, then what was?

“I know,” I told him, softly, my raspy voice grating the air. He smiled at me, then. As if that was all he wanted from me. As if all he wanted was for me to accept his love.

He held out his arms slightly and moved a fraction closer to me. “Can I just.. Can I just hold you?”

I walked into his embrace as if it were the most natural thing in the world. When his arms tightened around me, I finally felt at home. My heart settled and my brain cleared, they were finally at rest. He rested his chin on my head and rubbed my back with soothing hands.

“Your mine, love. Whether you know it or not,” he whispered into my ear. I pressed my cheek against his and sighed when I was lightly prickled by barely-there five o’clock shadow. Evidence of his lack of shaving, I giggled inwardly then took a deep breath. I always loved the way he smelled. It settled me and I buried myself deeper into his warm body.

“I know it,” I said, closing my eyes as he wrapped his arms tighter, pressing me against his chest. “And it scares me.”

“Don’t let it. I’d do anything for you,” he rocked me back and forth. I sniffed a little and brought my arms around his waist.

“Except leave her,” I laughed, but nothing was funny.

“Except that.”

“So it’s almost like nothing,” I felt him tense up and start to pull away, but I held onto him tighter, bringing him as close to me as I could. “Don’t worry. I understand.”

He sighed, relaxing.

“You deserve better,” he murmured, lying his head down to rest on my shoulder.

“Maybe,” I replied lightly, “but I only want you.”

“I love you.”

“You told me.”

“I’ll tell you again. I love you.”

I tilted his chin so I could kiss his cheek then took a step back from him. He looked frightened, as if he wasn’t sure what I would do next, but was bracing himself for the worst.

“You know I can’t do this, right?”

“Do what?” he asked, voice tight, stance rigid.

“Be the other woman?”

Silence. So I tried to explain.

“My dad had an affair once. It nearly killed my mother. They almost got a divorce. It was the most horrible mess ever. I could never be the other woman.”

Talk about Cliffnotes version. It still hurt me to talk about what my dad had done. I didn’t speak to him for weeks. Sometimes, I wonder if I’ve ever forgiven him. I had made a pact with myself that I would never, ever be like that secretary. The stupid red-head with the false smile, fake breasts, and flirty eyes. I’d never be a homewrecker. Stupid, slutty, homewrecking whore with ugly hair, I silently cursed her. Again.

“I know,” he said, sighing a little, “you’re above all that.”

“Don’t make me be the one thing I hate to be. Please, Spike,” I begged him. He had to be the strong one, because I knew if he said the word, I would go to him - to hell with the fucking fiancé. And I didn’t want to be that kind of woman.

“We’ll find a way, Buffy. I know we will.” His tone was firm and determined and I could see in the stern glare of his eye that he was sure of it. He believed in us.

“And what will the way be? What if we don’t? Spike, it’s too much.”

My voice broke apart and again, the tears started coming. The night sky was clear, but I thought I felt a drizzle. Maybe it was just me. We looked at each other silently… I could almost see his own tears.

After a long while, I finally gave him one last look, tried to smile – even though I failed – and turned around to walk out of the alley. He didn’t try to follow me.

“So where are you off to now?” His voice stopped me.

“Home,” I told him, not looking back. “Get some sleep. Do whatever I can to forget about you. You?”

“Get back in there, have a drink, get pissed till I can’t see straight, then run to your window and serenade you. Best hope you’re asleep by then, love. I’m sure I’ll have myself a bloody embarrassing riot.”

I stifled a laugh and turned around to face him, not being able to hide a small smile. He had a hopeful look on his face and it was soon replaced by a slow smirk.

“Knew I could get a grin,” he smiled. I couldn’t help but giggle at his triumphant look.

“Your fiancé’s still in there?”

Good job, Buffy. Bring up the devil in a time of peace. He shook his head.

“Left with one of my pals. Good thing too, ‘cause now I can get hammered all I wont without her beating down on me.”

I laughed at that and shook my head. He made his way to the back door of ‘The Bronze’ as I backed away slowly out of the alley.

“Bye, Spike.”

I turned around and heard the sound of the door opening and closing. I didn’t know where this left me. All I knew was that wherever it was, was somewhere I had to get out of fast if I wanted to keep my heart – and his – in tact.

Suddenly, the door burst open.

“Buffy!”

I spun around. Spike was hanging half out the door. The sight of him made me smile. It always did.

“Yeah?”

“You still my girl?” He asked, placing a hand over his heart and smiling at me in that way of his. He knew I couldn’t resist it and I felt all the walls I was trying to build collapse.

“Always.”

And with that, I walked away from him.


A/N: So, I'll bet we have some people yelling at Spike, wondering why he won't just dump his fiance and be with Buffy. And here's why. Even though this IS fiction, and stuff IS sometimes overly dramatized ... I want my Spike to be resemble something human. And humans DO have some amount of respect for others and compassion, so that's why he won't just break off his engagement. AT LEAST... not yet. He can't just hurt somebody because of his own selfish needs... and he can't just abandon a son.

Maybe he would in all your fantasies about the perfect Spike... but think about it. Is he really that perfect if he would do something like that to his fiance? No... I wanted my character to at least TRY to do the right thing.

Hope you're still with me and keep the reviews coming! Thanks!





You must login (register) to review.