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A/N: The song in the karaoke scene is "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt.

Chapter 18 Never be with you

Tuesday, July 29th 2005

Seventeenth Entry.

Everything seems to be so long ago… it almost feels as if there’s some sort of detachment between right now and before. Sometimes, when I look back, it feels like I’m an outsider, looking into someone else’s life. The emotions… sometimes I forget. Then other times, it all comes back to me and all I want to do is to make it stop.

Jenny took me to see the doctor on Thursday of that week. And that’s all I remember. If you asked me what the doctor looked like… I wouldn’t know. I don’t even remember if it was a female or a male, or what color hair he or she had. I barely even recall the conversation. Something along the lines of options and what I could do… I just stared out the window the entire time. Much like I’m doing now.

Thursday, May 12th, 2005

But one thing I do remember, and probably for good reason, was seeing Anya enter the building as we exited. I remember her calling my name and me being surprised, then me looking up and being even more surprised when I saw her huge belly.

“Can you believe it?” she gushed, happily, “Andrew and I are so, so incredibly happy! Being a mother… it’s hard to imagine, isn’t it? I think it’s even better than sex!” she paused for a moment and thought hard, “well, only sometimes.”

“We’re happy for you,” Jenny smiled as I just stared at her blankly. She put a comforting hand on my shoulders. “It was nice seeing you here.”

Anya stopped us before we could turn around, “Congratulations, Buffy! Even though you’re just a bit young to be a mother, I think it’s such a wonderful experience, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” I muttered, backing away, “I love it.”

Friday, May 20th, 2005

I knew I probably should have told him the second I was sure of the baby, I knew I probably should have made an effort to see him, maybe I should have called him or left him a note. I almost did, too… the weekend after I found out. I had even driven all the way to his office and stepped up to the clear, glass door leading to the waiting room, but then I froze up. I remembered the way he talked about his fiancé, and how he regretted everything so much… how he didn’t want to have a child, but he had no choice.

A mother with a sick baby had walked up behind me and I just took one look at them then fled back to my car. I was afraid. Yeah, I admit it.

But, as Jenny kept telling me, I couldn’t put it off forever.

After an entire week, I decided to listen to her. I couldn’t wait forever. The minute I had gotten home from school on Friday afternoon, I decided that by the end of the day, he would know about his baby. His other baby.

It was one thing to make up my mind to tell him about the issue, but it was another thing entirely to find him.

I had gone around to ‘The Bronze’, the Expresso Pump, his apartment – which I had gotten from Jenny, but he wasn’t anywhere to be found. I tried calling his cell phone but no one answered, and by the time I hit ‘Silver’, the karaoke club, I told myself that if he wasn’t here, I would give up and find him tomorrow.

I opened the club door and was greeted with a rendition of ‘Midnight’ from Cats. The large room was dimly lit and there was a blue haze floating down from the stage. There were people standing around, talking, some were seated on sofa’s on the far side of the room, some were at round tables that were scattered in front of the stage.

I was about to give him when I suddenly turned my head and caught a glimpse of him. Sitting alone at the bar with a Jack Daniels in his hand. The sight of him surprised me and my feet felt like they were glued to the ground as I just stood there staring. Determined that I would get this done tonight, I took a deep breath and walked up to him.

I stopped when I was standing immediately behind him. His shoulders were slouched and I saw a line of shot glasses trailing from his beer bottle. His leather jacket was slung across the back of his high stool and his black shirt seemed a little wrinkled. Judging by the disheveled state of his hair, I imagined that he probably wasn’t in … a good mood. But I bit my tongue and steeled myself to the ground as I put a hand on his shoulder.

“Fuck off – “ he snarled as he turned his head to see who had bothered him. When he saw me, he stared for a while, before turning back around to his drink, “Oh, it’s you.”

It wasn’t exactly the greeting I was expecting, but I decided I deserved it. Or at least I would deserve it after I told him what I was about to tell him.

“Uh, yeah.. I need to talk to you,” I decided to go with, taking a step closer to him. He didn’t turn to look at me and just took another swig of JD.

“Fancy seeing you here, pet,” his voice was low and gravelling and the tint of sarcasm lined in his tone hinted that he seemed far from happy to see me. “Didn’t think this was your type of gig. Nice little get up though, innit?”

I knew it wouldn’t be easy to get him to listen to me, but I had to try.

“It’s okay… I need to talk to you.”

“Oh, so now she wants to talk!” he exclaimed to nobody in particular. “What, love? You come to serenade me?” he gestured dismissively to the stage, still refusing to meet my eyes. I saw the sides of his jaws clench and I was silently happy that he decided not to look at me. I don’t think I would have been able to handle whatever anger and fire he decided to throw at me with those eyes that burn. “Upset, are you? That I forgot to climb onto your bloody tree with a bloody guitar and sing you a sodding song until you wept your bleedin’ eyes out and begged me to sweep you off your feet?”

“No – “ I started, but he didn’t give me a chance to finish. He swiveled around in his seat until his eyes were on mine. They were blank, absent of any emotion, and I remember thinking it would have been easier on me if he gave me fury, anger, something I could work with. But he kept them void and I had to look away.

“You know this place calls itself ‘The Silver’, pet? Reckon they have ‘The Gold’ somewhere in this bloody town? Render me bloody surprised,” he trailed off, smirking a little bit. I shuddered at the coldness in his voice and the slurred quality of his words.

“… are you drunk?” I asked, timidly. He was making me uneasy.

“Little bit sloshed, I ‘spose,” he shrugged, waving at the empty bottles and glasses in front of him, “Now don’t get your knickers in a twist, love. I’ve only had… uh… little bit. What the hell are you doing here anyways? Playing mum? Telling me I’m a bad, rude man that’s drinking too much?”

I took a step back. His voice was rising and he was scaring me.

“I told you, I need to talk to you.. but I can’t do this when you’re drunk.”

“Not drunk. Not drunk enough at least. Plannin’ on getting sopping pissed right and proper,” he signaled the bartender, who gave him one look and shook his head. “Oy! Don’t you shake – “

“I’ll come back later,” I turned around. He grabbed my arm before I could even take two steps.

“Leavin’ so soon, pet?” he yanked me close to him and brought his face down level with mine. I could smell the alcohol reeking from him and fought the need to hurl. “You’ve barely said a word!”

He pushed me back against a barstool and tried signaling the bartender again, “Here, I’ll buy you a drink.” Then, he suddenly snapped his neck around to look me straight in the eye and curl up a lip. “Oh wait.. you have a bloody condition.”

That caught me by surprised and I almost fell against the stool that he had roughly shoved me on.

“W-what?”

“That all you can say for yourself? ‘Wh-wh-what’?” he sneered in a high-pitched voice, mimicking me. “Think I wouldn’t find out now, did you?”

“Who…” I felt sick and suddenly, I wanted to run away from him. Run away from the man I loved that was becoming a monster.

“Got eyes and ears all round, love,” he crossed his arms across his chest, pleased with himself, “But I have to say, hearing Anya talk her little ass off about seeing you at the woman’s clinic was right priceless. Then, I had myself a nice little chat with your English teacher today, because I was so certain that the woman I love wouldn’t keep something like this from me. Ha! Let me tell you how wrong I was.”

Tears sprang to my eyes at his cruel words that I knew were true. I should have told him… I should have. And, before I came here, I knew he wouldn’t like the fact that I kept something like this from him, but I never expected this type of reaction. This unfeeling, sarcastic, … reaction. But, I told myself that it was the alcohol talking right now… that he would never be so mean about this. My voice came out a whisper…“Why are you being like this?”

“She asks me ‘why I’m being like this’” he burst out, laughing to an invisible crowd. Some heads turned to stare at us, curiously. “Un-fucking-believable! First, you pull off a bloody disappearing act and you know what? It hurt. It bloody hurt me. And then I find out that you’re fucking pregnant! As if I didn’t have enough fucking complications in my fucking life!”

He was starting to shout and people were definitely turning to see what the fuss was about.

“Spike… please.. can we go somewhere else and talk?” I pleaded with him. He wouldn’t hear of it.

“I’ve been burned by you bloody bitches long enough,” he raged on, jumping out of his chair and pacing around. He pointed at me furiously, “You can’t touch me anymore… you can’t hurt me anymore! I won’t let you! I won’t let any of you trap me! Put me in a bloody cage like you sodding bints like to do!”

I was confused and I tried to make him see reason…“Spike… what are you talking about?”

The anger in his face drained out and he swung his head towards the stage. The people who were singing had stopped and the music had ceased to play as all heads were turned our way. He suddenly grinned at me and grabbed my hand, pulling me off my stool.

“Oh look! Karaoke’s open.”

To my horror, He hurried to the stage, dragging me along. The couple who were standing there previously turned tail and nearly flew off the stage as he came stampeding on. I pulled him back and he turned to me with a gleam in his eyes.

“Want to come up with me, love? Get your kumbuy-yah-yah’s out?”

I felt my face heat up and I yanked my hand away from him. This was unbelievable… I couldn’t understand what his problem was. All I could do was watch him make a fool out of me and himself in front of an entire, very interested audience.

“Spike… stop,” I controlled my voice and held myself steady, pleading at him with my eyes.

“No? Suit yourself,” he shrugged and backed away from me as he approached the center of the stage. “Since you wont serenade me, I’ll serenade you!” He turned with a swagger to the microphone. “Hello good citizens of SunnyD!”

The crowd murmured a ‘hello’.

“What are you doing… stop…” I tried once more, but he paid me no attention.

“It seems like me and my girl have gotten ourselves in a little tiff here!” he laughed as if it were the funniest thing in the world. “Hey, Johnny boy over there,” he turned to the band off in the side of the club, “Just to show my girl how much I love her, I’m going to sing her a special song! How would you like that, Goldilocks?” he didn’t even turn to me as he asked. “How about ‘You’re so Beautiful’ by Good ole Jimmy fucking Blunt.”

“My god, Spike,” I muttered to myself and sank backwards, groping behind me with my hands until I found a chair to fall in. “What are you going to do…”

“My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.”

He was off-key and very clearly drunk out of his mind, but he strutted around the stage as if he owned it and sang like there was no tomorrow. I buried my head in my hands as he pointed to me and laughed, “Come on, baby!” he shouted into the mike, making it squeak, “Sing with me, why don’t you?”

“You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.”

At the last line, his voice took on a more serious quality, making me look up at him, confused. He smirked at me and kept going.

“Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.”

He was shouting and people all around me were giving me pointed looks and whispering. Some booed and others clamped their hands over their ears. He paid them no mind and suddenly he fell quiet. I got up from my seat and made my way to the door of the club. I had to leave. I couldn’t stay and listen to this.

“You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.”

I reached the door and stopped. My back was facing him and for the first time that night, I felt like he truly acknowledged me. Suddenly, I had the sickening feeling that he was singing directly to me… singing for me… trying to tell me something. And what he was trying to tell… made my stomach churn.

“You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.”

“But it's time to face the truth,… I will never be with you.” he sang, his words almost a whisper. His voice was on target… it was sad, it was full of emotions, it made me want to choke.

I turned around from the door as he sang his last words into the microphone. With a quiet sob, I pressed my head against the cool glass and pushed the door open, running out into the sidewalk.

How could he have done that to me? Humiliated me in front of so many people… prodded me where it had hurt most? My tears dried on my face as the cool, night breeze froze them in place. I hugged my arms around my body, trying to control the sobs that were shaking me.

“Buffy, wait,” his voice stopped me and I took a deep breath before turning around. He was standing outside the club with his duster hanging on his arm. I didn’t have to look close-up to tell that there were tears streaming down his face as well.

“Why did you do that?” my voice was quiet and hoarse… I didn’t even know if he heard me.

“Look, I’m sorry,” he started walking towards me and I stayed put, not really able to move a muscle if I tried. When he was right in front of me, he brought his hands to my cheek. “Hey… don’t cry,” his said softly, gently brushing my tears away with his thumb.

“Why?” I asked him, again, looking up into his dark, blue eyes that were now swimming with the emotions that were absent from them earlier.

His eyes suddenly hardened and he took a swift step back. “Don’t ask me why, Buffy,” he seethed, fisting up his hands at his side. “You should know. You should know how much you hurt me. Maybe it’s the alcohol talking, but there’s only one thing I know right now. You want to know what that is?”

I didn’t say anything.

“I know that you betrayed me,” he shouted out. Heads turned and voices lowered around us, but he ignored them as he ran the other direction.

And that’s when I made my decision.

…………

Giles, if I were a better woman… if I had been smarter… I don’t think I would have listened to him. I wouldn’t have let his alcohol-laden mind make my decision for me. But, I didn’t know better. I went with my emotions and my emotions told me that I was nothing. They told me that I was disgusting, that I was horrible, that there was only one thing to make things right again.

And so that was what I did. I got rid of the feeling. I thought that I could make it all better, make him love me again, convince him that I didn’t betray him.

God, how stupid was I?

It wasn’t his fault… don’t even think that, Giles. It wasn’t even him talking to me. It was… I know, it’s cliché to say that it was the alcohol. But I think it was true. I think that inside his heart, something made him feel like he was being played. Something told him that it would be wonderful to get this… inconvenience … out of his chest. And this something triggered the words that he said to me that night.

Well, I thought that getting an abortion would be the best… my parents wouldn’t have to know, nobody would have to know, it would all be such a relief and I could go on with the rest of my life.

If that was what was supposed to happen… then why did everything go to hell after that fateful day at the abortion clinic? Why was it that every time I closed my eyes, I saw a child with dark hair and blue eyes gaze back at me with such loneliness.. such sadness?



........................................................................................
A/N: Just to clear it up... the song's not meant to be spiteful towards Buffy and it's not supposed to be Spike's way of telling her he doesn't want to be with her.

It's supposed to be a song reflecting his pain that in reality, he could never really be with Buffy because of society's rules, his engagement, his own expectations.

I just wanted to say this because you never really get Spike's perspective in the story... and i realized it's easy to think that he uses the song to be cruel to her and tell her he would never ever be with her. But it's not.

And i realize Spike really doesn't take the news well - especially since he heard that she was pregnant from someone other than herself. I know alcohol's not really any excuse for anything, but you'll have to forgive him for now. Anyways,... one more chapter and you'll love him again.

hope you enjoy.





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