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Author's Chapter Notes:
I really love this scene... at least the way it was played out in my head. I'm not sure if i described it right.

Thanks for the reviews, guys. This story is really bittersweet, but hopefully the sweet will outlast the bitter. Hopefully.
Chapter 4 Dear Diary (3rd)

Friday. July 15th 2005

Third entry.

Well, here I am again, another day in this … place. I don’t understand how staying here is supposed to make me better. Then again, I didn’t know something was wrong with me in the first place. Just as long as your reading this, Giles, I’d like to make a few requests.

The bed. Yeah, the mattress is kind of sucky and I can feel the springs whenever I move around which is pretty often. The sheets haven’t been changed in a while and they’re starting to smell bad.

I don’t like this place, Giles. Even if you changed the bed, I’ll still be miserable. I feel so alone. I’ve felt so alone for such a long time I don’t think I remember how it feels like to be in someone’s arms… to talk to someone who really cares about me. You say you care, but do you really? Are you there each night when it all comes back to me and I remember that he’s gone? I still can’t imagine it. Sometimes I expect him to walk right through the door and scoop me up and run away with me.

Sometimes, I can almost hear his voice in my ear, whispering those promises that always kept me going. Sometimes I cry. Giles, I cry. And I hate it. You’re making me remember and I hate it.

Sunday, April 3rd 2005

I remember sitting in the corner booth of the Bronze with Cordelia, Faith, and R.J. The people I thought would always be there for me… that’s what friends do, right? Be there for you when you feel like shit?

Anyways, we were sitting there talking about how amazing R.J. was. He’s the quarterback of the football team and he’s the reason why our school went to the championships back when it was still football season. That’s what he says, anyways. But the thing is, football season was over so he wasn’t out there scoring goals anymore… he was in the Bronze, telling us about how he scored those goals. And to tell you the truth, it gets really boring.

So it’s not my fault that my mind wandered off to that day I spent in Dr. Pratt’s office. R.J. put his arm around my shoulders and I couldn’t help but wish that the arm was attached to a certain peroxide blonde body and the hand rubbing my arm was the skilled hand of a doctor’s and the voice rambling on had that cockney accent that I kept hearing in my head each night as I went to sleep alone in my bed.

The music was slow and lulling and the dim lights made my eyelids grow heavy and I could feel myself start to doze off in the monotonous droning of my almost-boyfriend’s voice.

That was when I saw him again. You know… him. Doctor freaking Pratt, British hottie of the year.

At first, I thought it was a trick of lights making the hair on the guy who just walked in looking bleached blonde, but there was no mistakening the scarred eyebrow, the cheekbones that had no right being on a man, the swagger, the black attire. Hello, doctor, I’m ready for another check-up.

If I was ready to fall asleep two seconds ago, I was most definitely awake now. He entered the Bronze and looked around as if he were looking for somebody. When he didn’t find whoever he was looking for, he made his way through the crowd to the bar and sat in one of the stools. I noticed that I wasn’t the only female in the room who caught on to the hotness factor of my doctor and I almost combusted in jealousy when I saw some woman wearing close to nothing sidle her way up to him.

I think I audibly sighed in relief as he gave her one glance and brushed her off and I must have laughed when she stalked away with a pissed off look on her face. Owned… Faith and Cordelia gave me a funny look when I happily muttered my joy at the slut’s rejection and I quickly covered up.

“Uh… just realized I was thirsty,” I flashed them a winner smile and looked at R.J. expectantly. Hell, I knew he wasn’t going to get up and get me a drink, but I wanted to test him anyways.

“Okay, can you get me a coke while you’re up there?” he gave my shoulder a quick squeeze and dropped his arm, resuming his description of our championship game. The one where, you know, he stole the cup for us? I was more than happy to get out of there but slightly annoyed that he thought I’d get him something to drink.

Well, screw that.

When I got out of my seat and looked down at myself, I nearly groaned at my own lack of future-perception. If I had known that I would run into Dr. Pratt here, I would have worn something else other than torn jeans that slung low on my hips and the red tank that I always put on when I couldn’t find something in my closet that I wanted to wear.

On the way up to the bar, I tried to think up a drink for myself. Water? No, too boring. Coke? Yeah, the famous one for under-aged people. Beer? Too crude and I hate the taste, anyways. Whiskey? Not if I was planning on talking to him…

My heart started racing and my breathing became a little unsteady as I approached the bar and pulled out the stool next to him.

I was determined not to look in his direction as I waved down the bartender, Willy. He smiled at me as he slid a beer to a customer who already looked plastered and made his way over.

“What’ll it be tonight, Buff?”

“Strawberry Daiquiri,” I decided on the spot. The words ‘non-alcoholic’ were practically visible on his lips and I frantically gave him a pleading look. He closed his mouth as he rolled his eyes at me and turned to fix me my drink.

“Now I know you’re not anywhere close to twenty-one, Goldilocks.”

Oh, he was talking to me. I could have jumped with glee, but I held in my joy and gave him a look that I hoped was an irritated one.

“Is that your business?”

“I could be a cop,” he smirked, taking another swig of his Jack Daniels. Oh, please.

“I know for a fact that you’re not.”

“And I know for a fact that you’re still a little nibblet who shouldn’t be drinking alcohol. Bad Buffy,” he chided with a smile. Oh my god. He remembers me.

“Well are you going to tattle on me, Dr. Pratt?”

I leaned forward and gave him a daring grin, looking at him through lowered lashes. Oh boy, I was bad. And this was really fun.

“You can’t blame me when you become pissed off your rocker and start doing the tango on the tabletops now, can you?”

His eyes were really, incredibly, intensely, beautiful blue. And the way he sucked in his cheeks after saying that sentence … wow.

“If I’m going to do a tango, you’ll be right up there with me, right?”

I wrinkled up my nose and tilted my head. He stared at me for a moment then burst out laughing, sloshing his beer a little as he slammed it down on the counter. I leaned back, pleased with myself.

“You’re skating on thin ice there, love.”

I shrugged and Willy appeared in front of me with my drink. He gave Dr. Pratt a look that was supposed to seem menacing and turned around to get another person’s order.

“So is this where doctors hang out when they’re not seeing patients?”

I played with my straw a little. I noticed that Willy had given me a cute little umbrella stuck in a maraschino cherry that was floating around in my daiquiri.

“I suppose so, but this little shindig here really isn’t my kind of scene. I’m supposed to be meeting up with somebody but it looks like she decided not to show. Stood me up right and proper, she did.”

Damnit. So he was with someone… Kind of.

“Girlfriend?”

I had to ask. He raised an eyebrow and studied me for a second or so.

“No, pet, just a drug-dealer. The chit said she had some samples she wanted me to check out.”

Oh.

Then I remembered he was a doctor… prescription drugs. Silly me, I almost forgot. You don’t even understand to what level I was relieved.

“Why do you ask?”

Cause I want to make you my latest conquest… Somehow, I didn’t think that would go over very well.

“Curious.”

“Oh. Right.”

Awkward silence. I took a sip of the daiquiri. There was no trace of alcohol; Willy apparently knew what he was doing. I looked over at him and found him keeping an eye on me and Dr. Pratt from across the bar. When our eyes met, he gave me a reassuring smile and turned away.

“So, this is where kids go and do what you lot call ‘hanging out’ while you’re not in school?”

No points on originality, but that was okay. He was giving me his million-dollar smile and had turned around to face me.

“Pretty much. But I got sick of talking about field goals and fumbles so here I am.”

“With me.”

“Yeah, with you.”

We looked over simultaneously at the table I had abandoned. R.J. seemed to have completely forgotten that I owed him a coke and was still deep in discussion with Cordy and Faith. They were both so completely engrossed in him that I doubted they heard a word of what he was saying.

“That your sweetie-bear over there?”

I looked over at him surprised and found him still staring at R.J. with a look of disgust on his face.

“A world of no. We were loosely dating for a while but I don’t think I can stand another four-hour night of listening to how he won the championship game which was, by the way, a couple of months ago.”

He turned back towards me and smiled. If I hadn’t known better, I could have sworn he was relieved.

“Is that right? So you like rugby?”

“Football?”

“You bloody Americans sod everything up. Yeah, football only if you live on the western hemisphere and are out of tune with the rest of the world.”

I shot him a look which he quickly returned.

“No, I’m not really sports-girl. Which really sucks because I have to go to every single sports game played in school.”

“Oh really? Are you one of those birds who strut around in short skirts and wave around pom-poms chanting out ‘rah bloody rah’?”

“Cheerleaders?”

“More like leer-leaders at that. The only thing you chits lead on are the sick blokes in the audience who get to see you flash your bottoms at them.”

“Lucky them. And yeah, I’m a cheerleader.”

Somewhere during that conversation, we had miraculously shifted closer to each other and now our knees were touching. There was another silence.

“So, Dr. Pratt, -“

“Call me Spike.”

That was unexpected.

“Spike?” I wonder what exactly was… spiked… bad thoughts, bad thoughts,… yummy bad thoughts.

“Yeah. Nickname I picked up in med school.”

“Medical school, huh?”

“That’s right.”

We spent the next half an hour talking with one another and I realized that with each second that passed by, I grew to like him more and more. Unlike the guys I knew in high school, he was able to perk my interest and keep it with his sarcastic smile and sharp intelligence. My daiquiri and his beer were already long gone and our stools seemed to magically grow closer and closer and soon, I found my leg accidentally rubbing up against his. Accidentally, I tell you.

A slow song began to play and the lights in the packed club darkened from a hazy orange to black. We could see the tiny blue lights overhead and on the stage glimmer down on glass tops and shiny objects. The environment around us was suddenly romantic and my heart started thumping of its own accord as I began to feel the sexual tension that had been absent throughout our entire conversation.

I looked at him and bit my lip, a little uneasy as to what to do. It was hard to keep talking in the dark. I could see the lights reflected from his blue eyes and it became really hard to breathe. His next question completely took me by surprise.

“Would you care to dance, love?”

I thought fireworks were supposed to go off during your first kiss with your true love, but hell, I could see the rainbow lights sparking and dancing around the night sky the second he said ‘dance’.

“I’d love to.”

We slid out of our stools together and he took my hand. His hand was warm and strong, completely engulfing my small ones. I nervously followed him as he slowly led me into the center of the dance floor.

The distance between us closed and I felt him pull me towards him gently by the waist. My entire body was on fire and my heart… god, my heart was about to soar up to heaven. I took a deep breath and slipped my arms around his neck, holding his gaze the entire time.

He smiled at me and in his eyes, I could see the glittering of my own. Eyes are the windows to the soul… and to the heavens above, and to all the night lights in the city, the stars in the skies, everything.

We swayed slowly to the music and I clung to his neck, praying that the moment would last for eternity. He tightened his hold on my waist and pressed me up against his body. Looking up into his eyes really strained my neck so I broke our gaze to rest the side of my head on his chest, listening to his heart’s steady beat. His chin grazed the my hair and I felt the pressure deepen as he tilted his face until his cheeks were pressed against me

Even as the song slowed to a stop and the lights were brightened once again, we stayed in our position. I never wanted to move out of his embrace.

Finally, I backed away an inch and looked up at him. He was staring down at me with such an intensity that it took away my very breath.

Wordlessly, he bent his head slowly towards mine and I looked from his eyes to his lips to his eyes and once more back down to his lips. They were inching closer and closer and my body was frozen in anticipation.

The first touch of his lips on mine was so gentle, so light that it seemed accidental. He pulled away and I could hear him take a deep breath. His forehead was pressed to mine and I could feel his warm breath grazing against my face. My eyes were closed – I didn’t dare open them.

After what seemed to be forever, I felt his hand trace my jaw line lightly and lift my chin up and he kissed me again. It was a real kiss this time, no accidental touching, no fleeting graze of lips, it was the real deal. His lips were pressed to mine, his tongue tracing my lips, easing its way into my mouth, brushing against my tongue.

And I was reeling in his ecstasy.

…………………

Giles, I can feel his lips on mine right now. Our first kiss. It was beyond amazing and beyond miracles. It was him, it was me, and we were together. Words can’t even describe how I felt that night so sorry if my description is lacking.

But please… believe me.

I’m not even sure what to say right now so I’m going to lie back down and dream. Because sometimes in my dreams, he comes back to me and it doesn’t hurt anymore.

End of entry.

A/N: I just changed this chapter up... the bartender was originally Xander, but i changed him to Willy. When i wrote this originally, i was going to make Xander the bartender and I guess i forgot that because i ended up double-booking his character. So, yeah... Willy acts a little bit like xander. sorry for the mix up.





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