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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks for the reviews!
A/N: The song in the beginning is by Dido. I forget the original name, but it's the same song that's featured in Eminem's Stan. If you listen to that song, just listen to the singing part and ignore Eminem. :)



Chapter 6

Tuesday, July 19th 2005

Fifth Entry.

My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I..
got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window..
and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be gray,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me, that it's not so bad,
it's not so bad..

It’s raining again, Giles. There was this one tiny raindrop that I noticed a little earlier through the glass of my window. It started of on the third window pane and it was traveling down so slowly… so slowly, and it kept getting bigger and bigger as it bumped into the other little raindrops in its way. It was so fascinating to see it fall so slowly, so slowly.

Then it got washed out by another drop of rain before it even made it to the center of the window.

It’s so gray outside, Giles. It’s so gray outside…

There’s a picture of him next to me right now and it’s distracting me. God, how come I never noticed how beautiful his eyes were when he was happy and smiling? I never noticed how the sides crinkled… he’s so beautiful. So perfect.

He drove me home that first night because it started raining. The car ride was silent, I was too scared and too nervous to talk to him or even look at him. So I watched the rain fall down on the glass and the windshield wipers as it moved back and forth, back and forth, brushing away the water.

Same night… Sunday, April 3rd 2005

I saw the houses move past us as he pulled into my neighborhood. We hadn’t spoken a word to each other since the alley when he asked me if I needed a ride home. The radio played a slow song. Dido. It depressed me.

When he pulled onto my driveway and put the car on park, I realized that I wasn’t sure if I’d ever see him again. So, I looked at him for the first time since we got in.

He was staring at the steering wheel, drumming it lightly with his thumbs. His jaw was clenching and unclenching and it didn’t take a genius to tell that something was bothering him. But I wasn’t sure what to do… talk to him? Ask when I could see him again? Walk out?

“So… this is it, then?”

My voice came out hoarse and raspy. It surprised me. That was when he slowly turned to face me. The way he tilted his head to study my face made me smile, it was adorable. But all I did was blush and look back at my house through the window. The rain was lessening to a drizzle now.

“Look, pet,” he got my attention and I turned back to him. “It was great… uh, you know,… meeting you and all, but this…”

I had heard enough.

“I understand.”

I looked the other way and reached out to open the door. I did understand. This night was for lack of a better term… amazing… but it was all too hurried. All too fast. But he stopped me by putting a hand on my arm.

“Wait… please just hear me out?”

His voice was soft and gentle, just like his touch. Nothing like back in the alley. I didn’t say anything, but I didn’t try to get out. I was curious, but I didn’t want to seem eager. Nothing to be eager about, really. He continued.

“I think you’re a great… girl and all. But that’s just the thing. You’re just a girl,” he caught the look on her face and added, “A very beautiful one, mind you. And incredibly mature for your age at that. But that’s not the point! The point is that you’re… you’re young and naïve and youthful and, uh, young … oh hell, I don’t know. What I’m trying to say is that you don’t need somebody like me.”

I wasn’t sure what he was trying to say, but whatever it was seemed to be more for his benefit than mine. He paused and I waited for him. But, he never did continue, he just kept staring at me so I felt like I had to say something.

“Don’t worry about it,” I decided to shrug it off. It wasn’t worth the trouble. “I blame it purely on hormones. Bad, teenaged, naïve, young, stupid people hormones. How dare they take over me and make me do bad things to you in the alley.”

I was trying to be funny. That was what it was supposed to be, anyways. But nobody laughed. He just swallowed hard, nodded, and tried to help me.

“Yeah. That and the alcohol,” he provided. “Alcohol can make a man do funny things.”

“Of course,” a vigorous nod on my part, “alcohol and me are definitely not mixy things. Bad alcohol.”

“And the lights… “

“And, you know, with the romantic music.”

“Yeah, that’s it. The bloody music.”

We laughed but there really was no humor.

“Just so you know, I don’t usually make out with random people I meet, much less, my doctor.”

I reached over to give his hand a small squeeze and he smiled softly at me. There was another silence and the chorus of crickets reached my ears and drowned everything out. When I looked into his eyes, I could see stars. I almost turned around to look up at the sky, but his low voice stopped me.

“Believe me when I say this is the first time I’ve done this with a patient.”

I wasn’t really sure what I should say. It was all too awkward in general.

“Mhmm.” …pause... “But it was fun.”

He genuinely laughed at that. “That it was, pet. That it was.”

I opened the door and stepped onto my driveway. The lights were all out in my house.

I slammed the car door closed and leaned in to look at him through the window that he rolled down for me. “Well, it was … interesting. Have a nice night.”

Before any of us could say anything else, I ran to my front door, unlocked it, and slipped inside.

And that was that.

But at the same time, that was not that. As soon as I closed the front door, I ran straight to my room and threw myself down at the bed. I spent a good hour just lying down, thinking about absolutely nothing and absolutely everything.

When sleep didn’t seem to be coming anytime soon, I walked over to my window and opened it so I could climb out onto the roof.

The roof was my private spot. The only outlet I had to the chaos called the world and I went there whenever I needed to really think.

I remember that night, sitting on the roof and gazing out into the open night sky. It was beautiful to be up there with the slight breeze, tinged with wetness from the previous rain, tickling my skin and refreshing me beyond belief. The blackness of the night was broken by the orange, hazy streetlamp and the clear, white stars above.

I pretended that I saw a shooting star and wished upon it.

But I can’t tell you the wish, can I? Because then it wont come true.





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