A/N: song's by Avril lavigne. not a big fan of hers, but i think it fit.
Chapter 7 It’s a damn cold night
Thursday, July 17th 2005
Sixth Entry.
Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you
I had a dream last night.
I’m standing on this bridge and its nighttime. Have you ever taken the time to look at the city during the night? The entire bridge is lit up with these tiny orange lights and you’re staring out into this vast body of blackness and right off to the side, you can see it in the corner of your eye, is this oasis of glitter. You just lean a little over the railing and tilt your head ever so slightly to the side and you see the tall buildings with the colorful, neon signs, excited sounds and noises, full of promise… hope … future. Then you look straight out again and you’re looking at the water. Black water that gleams under the moon and under the lights. Water with no reflection… just sparkles here and there.
The cars were zooming into the city behind me. The night was cold. I was tired. I don’t know, tired of everything, Giles. Tired of trying to keep living, keep going. Tired of being strong. Tired of being alone.
And the water was just there… beckoning to me. At that moment, it wasn’t pitch black coldness anymore. It was warmth… it promised me that it would help me rest. Take away the pain. God, Giles, I really wanted to just join it. I really just wanted to close my eyes.
And then he was there. I didn’t see him, I just knew he was there… a few feet away from me. I didn’t want to look up because what if he disappeared? But he talked to me. Giles, he talked to me… a whisper in the wind.
“Hello, Goldilocks.”
God, I couldn’t help it. I turned my head to look at him and there he was. His hands stuffed in the pockets of his leather jacket, his gentle smile in place of the usual cocky smirk, his eyes gleaming orange under the lights. He reflected the brightness of the bridge and the colors of the city that it led to.
And then… and then I woke up. I opened my eyes and there were no more orange lights. No more colorful twinkles of a beautifully lit up city. No more smile, leather jacket, eyes. All there was… was the darkness. The cold, stale air of my little room, the barred up window, the cement walls and freezing floors, the lumpy bed with the new, white sheets, the wooden desk with the holes in it, this journal,… his picture.
And… for the first time in a long time… I cried.
Friday, April 8th, 2005
Monday morning came about and I found myself back in my bedroom with a resolution to completely forget about Dr. Pratt. No more bleached blonde, blue-eyed, sexy Brits for me. No siree.
So that was why, five days later on Friday, I was mindlessly doodling his cheekbones in my English notebook for the sixth page since that fateful Sunday. No Brits for me, my ass. The truth of the matter was that I was so completely infatuated with him that I was beginning to worry myself. I don’t think I’ve ever doodled someone’s face in my notebook before. I’ve never constantly run anybody’s voice in my head over and over again and smiled dreamily whenever anybody mentioned railroad spikes or spiky spikes or any type of spike in general.
And, as it was, I was completely zoned out and was so distracted in the thoughts of him that I didn’t even notice when Ms. Calendar directed a question towards me.
“Ms. Summers, we’re waiting on your answer.”
Something poked my back and I blinked.
“I’m sorry,… can you repeat the question?”
I was a little irritated to be broken out of my little reverie and kind of embarrassed since everyone was looking at me with a smile on their lips.
And then the bell saved me.
I shot a smile of apology at Ms. Calendar. I was sorry for dosing off, especially since she was my favorite teacher and all.
Everyone was immediately springing out of their seats, grabbing their backpacks, talking, and getting out of the room as quickly as they could. I slowly got out of my seat, a little uncomfortable of the way my jeans were sticking to my sweaty legs. The weather was getting more and more humid each day.
Xander playfully poked my stomach where my shirt inched up when I stretched. I doubled over and laughed, slapping his arm. We had been friends since forever, before high school started and way before I became a cheerleader. But we never let life get in the way of our friendship and that was one thing I was incredibly grateful for.
“So, Buff,” he grinned, “you’re gonna go to Founder’s tonight?”
“Ugh, yeah, I kinda have to go,” I scrunched up my nose. I can’t believe I had completely forgot… “Being a cheerleader and all.”
I could’ve sworn I saw Xander’s eyes glaze over but it was instantly replaced with an even wider grin. He was just so weird sometimes.
“Why don’t you sound excited?” he asked.
“Because I’m not.”
He plopped his arm down on my shoulder as we saw Willow making her way towards us across the classroom.
“Aw, come on, Buff. What’s not to love? There’s hamburgers, hot girls, football, hotdogs, more hot naked chi-“
“Half-naked,” I corrected with a groan as I grabbed my backpack. Willow’s smile faltered a little bit as she came into our conversation.
“What’s half-naked?” she asked, blushing a little bit.
“The Buffster will be,” Xander’s smile was growing wider and wider by the second. I slapped his arm as we made our way through the rows and out of the classroom door.
“Bye ladies!” Ms. Calendar called out to us as she straitened out her desk.
“Bye,” Willow and I waved as Xander regarded her with an indignant look.
“Hey!” he protested. We giggled and pulled him out into the hallway.
Once we fell into the flow of the students hastily exiting the school building, Willow leaned towards me, her face almost entirely pink. I swear, she blushes at the smallest things.
“I didn’t know we were supposed to go naked!” she sounded horrified. Xander nodded, fervently.
“Didn’t you get the notice? All females age seventeen and up must be dressed in as little as possible – “
“Relax, Will, Xander’s just being stupid,” I rolled my eyes, “big surprise there.”
“Oh, thank goddess, I mean,” Willow looked relieved, “You know, with the people and the no clothes, not something I want to think – “ Xander stuck out a hand to stop her and closed his eyes.
“I’m imagining… shhh…” he squeezed his eyes harder. After a few seconds, his eyes popped open and he slung both arms around us happily.
“Ugh, do you have to be so repulsive?” Cordelia’s voice chimed in and we turned to see her swinging her hips, making her way towards us.
“I’m a big man. Watch me as I seduce you with my manly ways,” he puffed his chest out and threw his head back. I laughed as she mimed gagging behind her hands.
“Xander Harris? A man? Has the apocalypse come yet?” she snorted and waved an arm at him, “Puh-lease. Anyways, Buffy, if you’re done fraternizing with these social derelicts, can you please hurry up? We have to practice for the Founder’s Festival routine tonight. It’s in a couple of hours and we’re nowhere near where we need to be.”
With that, she seized my arm and promptly started to drag me down the hall in the opposite direction. I sighed and waved off Xander and Willow. I didn’t know what the big deal about the Founder’s Festival was. To me, it was all an overrated, time-old, tradition.
Ugh, so you’re probably wondering what Founder’s Festival is? Basically, it’s just a weekend-long celebration in honor of the founding of good old Sunnydale. Friday night’s a bonfire and barbeque on the beach. All the football players come out and do their thing, the cheerleaders dance, there’s fireworks, loud music, overcooked meat, beach volleyball, flag football, rowdy teenagers and gossiping parents, all that good stuff. Then, all Saturday long, there’s a carnival with a Ferris wheel, mini-roller coasters, cotton candy, more fireworks at night, you get the idea. Then there’s the town dance on Sunday.
As I said before, nothing to get excited about.
But apparently, this year was different. You could just feel the tension in the field as we were going through our routine over and over again and getting sweatier, more tired, and infinitely more disgruntled as each second passed.
“Is it really that hard for you guys to just move to the stupid rhythm?! You’re all off by half a beat!” Cordelia blew her whistle for the hundredth time in an hour. I shot Faith a look and we both rolled our eyes. Truthfully, I was amazed that Cordy hadn’t lost her voice yet what with all the yelling and screaming at us.
“Hey, Queen C!” Faith called out, arms dropping to her knees, panting a little bit. “Can you maybe lighten up like a lot? We’re off by half a beat… so what? It’s not like anyone’s gonna notice!”
Agreements were mumbled from all around as we collapsed on the green grass. It was only 3:30 pm, and the sun wasn’t being kind to us at all.
“No!” Cordy put her hands on her hips, “We have to be perfect! I’m the captain this year and I want everyone to be on time!”
“Well maybe if we had a better song, it’d be easier to keep with the freaking beat,” Amy glared in frustration. Her ponytail was frizzled in sweat and humidity.
“Yeah, Cordy,” I agreed. She shot me a look and I shrugged, “I love the song and all but you have to admit… the beat’s not that strong. It’s a great song to dance to but as a routine… “
“The song stays,” she was adamant and there was no changing her mind.
And that was that. We continued practicing for another hour before going into the showers to get ready for the big festival.
…………
Sorry, Giles. That’s all I can do right now since the big lumpy piece of mattress that is my bed is calling to me and I’m getting real tired. I’ll write more first thing tomorrow.
Right now… sleep is good.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
It's building up... i know some people are depressed, knowing that somebody dies and that the ending isn't happy. i understand if you can't stomach it, but i really hope you'll believe me when i say that i really think this story's worth reading. it's been eating at me all week... so sorry about the delays in 'stronger' and 'will you die for me'. i've hit a bit of a writer's block in those two and i've finally got a sense of where this one's going, so be expecting lots of updates. i hope the first-person use doesn't bother too many people. i know that i'm not very fond of reading stories in first person, but i just felt this style kind of... worked. thanks for the reviews! they're appreciated!!