Chapter 10 Lost in the Stars
cont… Friday, April 8th, 2005
”Talking to yourself, love?”
I’d be lying if I said that hell didn’t completely freeze over and I felt as dandy as a dandelion. As always, my breathing just stopped and my head started spinning. It always happened when he was around. I was scared. Mostly of what I might find when I turned around and what it might mean if I actually did turn around. Maybe it was all my imagination.
Maybe he wasn’t standing there behind me with that cocky smile on his face and devious eyes shining under the stupid, stupid moon. So I closed my eyes and counted to ten.
1… 2… 3… 4… I didn’t need to get to ten because I heard the leather of his duster rustle as he took a step towards me.
“Don’t,” I whispered, hating the hoarseness grating from my voice due to all the cheering. He stopped dead in his tracks. I didn’t need to turn around to know that he was flexing his hands in and out and tilting his head in his little way.
I wanted him to say something. Protest, maybe. Or make small talk and remind me that there was really nothing between us besides a little lust and a smidgeon of what could have been friendship if our lips hadn’t gotten in each other’s way. That, and also the certain patient-doctor relationship, but that flew out the window a long time ago in the running.
But he just stood there, rocking back and forth in his stupid, black, combat boots.
I got tired of waiting for him to talk, so I got up from my boulder and walked down to the water. He followed me as I made my way to the shoreline and we stood side by side watching the soft lulls of the ocean waves.
It was really quiet. The only things I could really hear were the soft, gentle splashes of the water and the steady breathing of the man next to me. A few stars twinkled and disappeared.
He was the first one to break the silence.
“It, uh,” he turned his head towards me, “it matches your eyes. Brings out the green in them.”
I looked down at myself. I was wearing an emerald green string bikini lined with sparkly green stones at the edges that seemed to glitter in the moonlight as I moved. He was studying my face and I had to stifle the little giggle that came to my throat.
“Thanks, even though… you really can’t see color that well in this,” I nodded out to nowhere in particular, “well this.. lack of lightness.” Very articulate, Buffy. Very articulate. I almost kicked myself.
He chuckled quietly and shuffled his feet. I looked up at him and couldn’t help the smile from forming on my mouth. It was just… he was so… so … perfect right now. The ridges of his cheeks and nose were darkened with shadows and his angular face was outlined with the sleek white glow from the moonlight. Each feature seemed sharper, the hollows of his cheeks sank deeper, and his skin shone like alabaster against the dark night around us.
“How’ve you been?” I asked him after a few seconds of silent scrutiny. It just seemed like the right thing to say.
“Busy,” he looked away quickly and rapidly nodded his head. “Been very busy with the… work. You?”
“Yeah, me too,” I nodded, also looking away. “Getting ready with the squad…” and then I made with the babbling, “you know, that cheer. Cordy – uh, the captain, - she’s been working us to like literal death. Because today was very, very important with the town being founded and the mayor and everyone looking… and what are you looking at?”
Somewhere in the middle of my ramble I had turned to look at him again and caught him staring at me with this half-smile on his lips. He didn’t answer me immediately.
“You were great tonight, pet,” he reached his hand out to my face and made like he was going to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear, but his hand never got there. Instead, he dropped it before he made any contact with me.
“Really?” I smiled. He thought I was great.
“Oh, yeah,” he assured me. “You looked professional, you did.”
“Huh. Professional,” turn to water. Again. It was beginning to be the safe base for both of us when looking at each other proved to be too much. Professional? He nodded. We were doing a lot of nodding.
“Almost like,… uh, what do you call them, those birds who dance on stages. The way you moved your arms were bloody magnificent. When I saw you, I thought you looked so… graceful and smooth and, oh, sod it all to hell.”
He took two fluid steps towards me and my head snapped back to lock onto his face as he closed whatever distance there was between us. Both our breathing became louder and unsteady as he leaned towards me.
“When I saw you tonight,” he brought his face closer to mine and closed his eyes, “Bloody hell, I thought you were the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. The way you … moved… you were so … it was like all there was, was you. I have absolutely no idea why you do what you do to me.”
His forehead was pressed against mine and his hands were gently tracing the edge of my face; I could feel his breath tickle my skin as he talked and I opened my mouth to breathe deeply. He went on with his speech.
“I feel like you’re in my blood, Buffy,” he whispered in my ear and I shuddered, “one look from you and I’m not the same man I thought I was anymore. You make me burn, love. Seeing you tonight… “
He didn’t finish his sentence and I could feel his lips move towards mine like a magnet attracted to another. And I pulled back. God help me, I really did. I pulled away from him.
“You ran away,” I accused him, my voice scratchy and deep. “I looked for you and you were just poof! Gone! I mean… aghhh!” I screamed in frustration and turned away from him. “You can’t just do that. You can’t be here next to me and say you want me one second, then run away with your tail between your legs the next. Because, believe it or not, this is me.”
I whirled around to face him again and saw his jaw set in a straight line and fire coming out of his eyes.
“I can’t be your one-time-lets-make-out-in-a-freaking-alley partner one day and be off-limits-you’re-my-patient … person the following! I don’t work that way! Spike, you either want me or you don’t. No mistakes, no accidents, because I – I don’t think I can deal with that,” I think I might have choked up, because I had to pause to steady myself. “This whole week? I’ve been trying to forget.”
He suddenly grabbed me by the arms and shook me.
“And what do you think I’ve been doing, huh? I can’t seem to get you out of my head!” he threw his hands down, frustrated. “I’ve tried everything! I went out, I talked to my pals, I tried taking a vacation, I went places - nothing works! Everywhere I turn, you’re there! Every corner I walk around, I see you! Buffy, you’re everywhere! God, you’re like – you’re like the very thorn in my bloody side. I can’t move without you just – pricking me where it sodding hurts.”
I stared at him, a little shocked. I wasn’t sure what to think… should I be insulted? happy? regretful? Oh hey, I’m sorry I bother you so much?
“And it’s all your fault,” he pointed at me. Okay, that bothered me. My fault?
“Mine?” I think my jaw dropped. He was blaming me because he couldn’t forget about me. Of course he’d do that! Now I remember why I hate dealing with any sort of species with any resemblance of a dick on them!
“Yeah. Yours.” he emphasized. “If you hadn’t needed that bloody appointment then I would have never met you and I would be perfectly… normal! I wish I never met you!”
“You do?” I backed away, hurt. God, he knew how to really hurt me.
“You drive me crazy, you know that?” he looked at me again with those blue eyes of his and his features softened as he smiled. “You drove me crazy with one little kiss. And the thing is, I don’t even have a remote idea of who you really are. But what I do know is – that I want to. God knows a woman who can get into my head like you… she must be worth getting to know.”
Spike held out a hand to me and I stared at it for a few moments before taking it in mine. I was stunned and I numbly followed him as he pulled me closer and led me along the edge of the water.
“You know,” I smiled quietly, looking ahead, “you can’t tell me you wish you never met me… and just expect me to go wherever you want to take me.”
He intertwined his fingers with mine and squeezed my hand.
“Thing is, love… if I never met you, I don’t think I would ever know what this – whatever it is – feels like,” he held my hand tighter and I leaned into him lightly as we kept walking, “I’ve never felt this way about anybody before. Excited… passionate… eager… and my insides keep doing this funny flipping thing, I don’t know what seems to be the matter with it.”
He looked down at his stomach and I slapped his arm playfully, giggling wildly as he lunged at me with a light growl.
“S-stop!” I laughed like crazy and doubled over as he lightly ran his fingers down my sides, tickling me. He fell over on top of me as I went down in the sand, trying to roll away from his waggling fingers. Nobody’s tickled me like that since I was ten and I was squirming around like a madwoman.
The laughter that erupted within his chest was light and deep at the same time, rumbling through the cool breeze and making me shiver.
“You’re cold?” he stopped immediately when he noticed the goose-bumps crawling over my skin and felt me shake a little. I shook my head, but he shrugged his leather jacket off anyways and pulled it over my shoulders as I sat up in the sand.
“Thanks,” I smiled gratefully, slipping my arms through and pulling it tighter around me. He sat up next to me and put an arm around my shoulders, warming me with his body heat.
“Looks better on you anyways, Goldilocks.”
He was a gentleman. I could see it in the slight turn of his lip as he stared out into the wide open Pacific ocean and the little twinkle in his eyes that reflected the stars in the sky. The moment felt so surreal… so perfectly unbelievable that I was afraid to move. Afraid that it might have all been a dream and this gorgeous man next to me was a figment of my imagination.
The sand was cold and smooth and my toes were washed with a dose of cool ocean water as the water rolled up the shore. He kicked off his shoes and threw them away absentmindedly and I couldn’t help but smile.
“This is nice,” I commented, content with resting my head on him and staring out into the black horizon.
It really was nice. Sitting on a secluded beach with your lover, silently, just thinking about each other as you lose yourself in the black waves in front of you. It’s always been one of my fantasies. Well, one of my safer fantasies. It just seemed to be so romantic. I always imagined an orchestra in the background, but then again, that’s just me. Cheesy romantic to the bone.
………..
“So what do you do?” I finally spoke, breaking the romantic spell that we were both under. He looked at me with a question in his eyes. “Well, I figure we should get to know each other better. So… what do you do? Besides… examine people and stuff.”
He chuckled and leaned back and crossed his arms under his head. I followed suit and stretched out next to him. My eyes widened as they focused on the wide universe above us. Wow, the stars really do look different from this vantage point… they were like a blanket covering us and it reminded me once again that there was a huge expanse of world out there other than just him and me.
“Well, uh,” he started, then twisted his head towards me, “promise not to laugh?”
“Cross my heart,” I drew an ‘x’ on my chest with my finger. He looked back up at the stars.
“I like to write poetry,” he said, quickly and closed his eyes. “Go on. Poke fun, you know you want to. It’s a right poncey pastime, I know it. But that’s what I do.”
I snuggled closer to him. I couldn’t believe how adorable he was with his eyes screwed shut and his face contorted in embarrassment.
“I’m not exactly sure what poncey means, but I think writing poetry is really great,” I told him. “It sounds so… romantic. I’d like to hear it some day, if you’re okay with it.”
“Thank you,” I saw him smile and open his eyes. “See I’ve always wanted to be a big, famous rock star when I was younger,” he chuckled wistfully. “I’d write poetry and turn them into songs. It was nice but father wouldn’t hear of it. ‘Not a proper living for a lad like you’, he’d say. Right bloody git he was, too. We were never… never really close.”
“Neither are my parents and me,” I told him. All they ever do is… be away. “See, they’re never really around. I was hoping they’d come today, but who was I kidding? Of course they couldn’t come…”
My voice trailed off and Spike moved his arm to rest under my head and pulled me closer. I rested my cheek on his shoulder and sighed. He was so warm compared to the rest of the night and I wanted to rest in his arms forever.
There was another moment of complete, comfortable silence as we took comfort in each other and lay under the vast magnificence of the sparkling sky.
“Amazing, isn’t it?” he marveled, staring up at the stars. “I used to try counting them back in the day. Every time I come out at night and just look at them, I’m just reminded that there really is some beauty in the world. After all the wars that people fight, you’d think there would never be anything other than raging chaos, and then you look at the stars and… you know you’re wrong. Rather comforting, it is.”
I lifted my head to study the awed expression on his face and brought an arm around to trace it lightly.
“You really are a poet,” I smiled at him in wonder. There really couldn’t have been any girl luckier than me that night, to be lying in the arms of someone as wonderful as him.
“And after all that sweet-talk about star’s beauty and so forth, I think I was proven wrong again,” his voice lowered as he faced me. “To me, you put the bloody stars to shame. You glow brighter than anything out there… you’re… effulgent.”
Effulgent? It was a good thing it was nighttime and the darkness masked the blush that I knew was growing over my cheeks.
“And that one gets all the girls, doesn’t it,” I giggled and buried my head in the crook of his neck. He stroked my hair and I could feel him start to smile.
“Wouldn’t know,” he said softly, “never tried it before. Did it work?”
I pressed a kiss to his neck. I couldn’t help it, I just had to.
“Yeah,” I told him, “it really did.”
After a few seconds, he asked me a question. “So what do you do besides, you know, school and stuff,” he mimicked me in a teasing voice. I slapped his chest playfully and he hugged me closer.
“I like to dance.”
“As I witnessed today, pet,” he chuckled.
“Well, cheerleading’s … eh. I mean really dance. Ever since I was five and saw the Nutcracker, I knew that all I would ever want to do is twirl on that stage. I don’t know what it was about it,… the gracefulness, the beauty… I just wanted to be like them. The ballerinas.”
Silence.
Then suddenly, he jumped to his feet and reached out a hand to me. Huh? Surprised, I took his hand and let him pull me up. The leather jacket fell from my shoulders and lay forgotten on the sand that seemed blue in the hazy night.
I squealed as he suddenly lifted me up and spun me around in the air. My hair flew everywhere and whirled around and around in the breeze that picked up as I twirled with him.
“May I have this dance, my fair lady?” he asked with a grin after putting me down. I stepped close to him and put one hand on his shoulder and another one in his outstretched hand.
“It’d be an honor,” I whispered as I tiptoed and pressed my mouth against his ear. With a quiet rumble of his throat, he started humming to a tune I didn’t know.
I don’t think I’ve ever had so much fun in my life, dancing with him on the soft sand of the beach in the single moonlight that had grown so bright as to illuminate everything with a silvery blue haze. I could practically hear my fantasy orchestra swooning as he spun me out and snapped me back to his chest.
His face glowed and I imagine mine must have been glowing, too. There was this wide smile and this happy gaze and everything around us lit up as we laughed with each other and twirled around in the stars.
“When everything around us is sound asleep, there’ll be only you and me, and we’ll dance to eternity,” he sang in a deep low voice that made my heart melt as he held me close so my back was pressed to his chest. “You, me, and the stars surrounding us, Beauty setting is oh, so glorious, Lovely lady wont you look at the light, behind you, loving you as the night..”
He turned me around so he was looking in my eyes and we stopped dancing.
“I don’t know that song,” my voice was barely audible. I was afraid I’d break our moment.
“Me neither,” he said, his voice level with mine, “that’s because I just made it up.”
His hold around my waist tightened as he brought me closer to him. My heart was racing and I thought I could feel his heart too, under his thin, black shirt as my body molded and melted with him. His breath was warm against my skin and his hands lightly touching my back seemed to light me on fire. I licked my lips as he drew closer and closer and my eyes flickered between his own and his lips and I knew. At that exact millisecond of life, I knew.
And the next millisecond dragged out for what seemed to be forever as his lips slowly descended and my eyelids fluttered down of their own accord. All my senses seemed to shut down as they all raced in anticipation for the exact moment his lips would meet mine.
When we finally closed that distance and his lips finally grazed mine timidly, I wasn’t Buffy, the high-schooler, cheerleader, whatever I was anymore. And he wasn’t Spike, the man, my doctor, anymore. We were just us. Two people. Two specks in an ocean of scribbles. And all there was, was him and me, me and him. We weren’t just kissing. There was no such thing as kissing anymore. We were crossing an ocean, climbing mountains, making our way through deserts. If this wasn’t destiny… I don’t know what was. God, fireworks don’t even described the sensations I was feeling as I grasped his forearms for dear life.
He tasted faintly of smoke and mint and … you know those senses that shut down a few seconds ago? They suddenly woke up and were now running in overdrive. I was seeing the stars in the sky and was reeling in the galaxy. I was hearing a beautiful rush of music as the violins swelled in time to the crashing of the ocean’s waves. I was feeling his lips against mine, his tongue tickling me, his tongue … gahh. It was everything yet nothing like that one night in the alley.
That night was a rushed drive of lust and this? This was something else. This was what you found in romance novels and always wished you could feel the same sensations. Except the sensations I’ve read in those novels? Nothing like what I was feeling now.
The next thing I knew was that he was gently lying me down on the soft sand and I was looking up into his dark, smoldering eyes. His face was darkened with shadows and I could see a trace of the night’s glow defining the sharp angles of his face. And I knew that I wouldn’t be leaving this beach without feeling him. Without taking all of him and without him taking all of me. I just knew it in the look of his eyes and in the rush of the moment that I would be giving him all that I could offer. And it scared me.
He hovered over me, seeming indecisive and I reached up to tug at the hem of his shirt. I kept my eyes on his face the entire time as I lifted his shirt up and I caught the growing smile on his face as he realized what I was doing. His awed look encouraged me and I slowly pulled his shirt over his head and flung it aside.
He bent down to cover me with his body and kissed me again. God, I couldn’t control the moans from leaving my mouth and I had no power over my hands that were running down his bare back, feeling each curve of every muscle ripple and quiver under my touch. He was sensational.
I pulled him up and admired his chest with exploring hands as I slowly traced the lines of his hard body. He hissed and I shivered. When my hands reached his jeans, he stopped me.
“I don’t have a condom,” he said, suddenly, as if he just remembered. We were both softly panting and at first, my eyes widened at this admission. Then I remembered something else.
“I’m on the pill,” I told him and saw his face relax. Thank god for birth control.
I sat up and felt his hands snake behind me to work on the strings keeping my bikini in place. After a few seconds, I heard him curse and mutter to himself.
“Bloody … sodding… stupid,” I laughed as his brows furrowed in frustration. I decided to help him and pushed his hands away to work on the tie myself. He froze as he watched me reach back and untie the knots with ease.
I was nervous. It was the nervous anticipation you get in your lower back and your stomach when you know something really incredibly great is coming your way and you’re scared, yet very excited. I don’t know if I make sense. The point is that I was nervous.
And that hungry look he was giving me… made my nervousness multiply by billions. I let the top fall loose around my neck and he gently picked it up and lifted it away from my body. He must have detected my nervousness because he leaned down to kiss my lips softly, taking away my fears. Well, some of them at least.
“You’re beautiful, love,” he said against my mouth, voice all low and husky. “You’re a goddess.”
I let myself fall backwards against the tiny grains of sand that moved out of the way and massaged my back, pulling him on top of me as I laid down on my back. He held my gaze as his hands trailed the length of my torso until they reached the bottom half of my bikini.
“You’re sure?” he asked me one last time and I nodded.
“I want you,” I reassured him with a smile. He kissed me once more and in a fast, fluid motion, rid me of the tiny scrap of clothing. I grew to realize that one thing I was beginning to love about him was the way he kept his eyes on me the entire time, as if he was reading my mind and delving into my soul. I knew that if there was any hint of hesitation behind my eyes, he would stop immediately.
“Is this your, uh, … are you a – “ he hesitantly asked me and I shook my head. No, it wasn’t exactly my first time, but what the hell. I’ve never felt like this before. He pulled back a little bit, holding himself up with his fists and I noticed the way his eyes seemed to cloud up at my admission and I almost huffed in exasperation.
“And I’m sure you’re not, either,” I propped myself up on my elbows and regarded him with a look. “And I don’t care. I don’t care about anything right now. Can it please just be you and me as people. We’ll forget about the past and circumstances just for tonight. Please?”
And I didn’t need to say anything else because he pounced on me and we rolled in the sand, grabbing each other, trying to feel as much as we can. His mouth devoured mine and I closed my eyes to revel in all the sensations he was bringing me as we tumbled down the shore, getting sand all over the place. But I didn’t care.
His pants were off and he entered me before I knew what was happening and I let out a little yelp of surprise which soon turn to a sigh of contentment.
Fireworks? Yeah. Glittering lights? Oh definitely. Heavenly buzz? Lots of it. I didn’t know what to do besides go with instinct and desire as we moved together.
Words wouldn’t do what I was feeling justice. There was no way to describe it. Maybe… heavenly? Too cliché. Ecstasy might be a good word. I was on a high and my mind was reeling from it as I screamed. I didn’t know I was a screamer. But yeah, his names were on my lips as I repeated them over and over again.
“Oh my god!… Spike…..Spike spike..spikespikespike!”
Yeah, something like that.
And then the world went black as I tumbled through the Milkyway galaxy like a shooting star.
When I finally reached earth again, I turned my head to find Spike sprawled out next to me, his eyes looking into mine with amazement.
“So, kitten,” he finally said, panting a little bit. “Have you ever made love in the ocean before?”
And with an excited squeal, I rolled onto my feet and took off into the cold, black water. “Catch me if you can!” I shouted back at him in delight and looked over my shoulder.
He leapt to his feet and with a playful growl, dove into the water after me.
…………
Yeah, Giles. I’m pretty sure you skimmed over the last part of my entry with a hanky at the ready. Do you have children? Sorry. Impulsive question.
A lot of things about me are just plainly impulsive. Like that night at the beach with Spike? There was no planning. Just us. It was painfully romantic. Cheesy, right?
I suppose.
But you know? You couldn’t give me a million bajillion dollars to erase that memory from my mind.
A/N: Okay, I know everyone likes the smut and the ... uh.. descriptive words, but that really isn't my style. I tried going with the emotions more and this chapter's supposed to be more about the romance and more about how they're growing to love each other instead of the sex. Plus the fact that I'm not comfortable with the sex and stuff. I'm sorry if that bothers anybody... but yeah, don't expect any smut anywhere in the story. Personally, I think "penis" and "pussy" would really take away from the story's feel... but you can imagine it all in your own head!
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks for the reviews and comments. I have no clue why, but this chapter was kind of hard for me to write. I guess i'm just not really good with the romance and stuff. Hope you enjoy!