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A/N: Okay... i've never been pregnant, so I tried doing a little research on it. I tried to capture the emotions of a young girl realizing that she's pregnant, but It just doesn't feel right. I'm posting it anyways, though. Maybe i'll just change it when i ... idk... really know.

Anyways... song is "On my Own"... in the musical Les Miserables. Hope you enjoy.

Chapter 17 Worst Case Scenario

Monday, July 28th 2005

Sixteenth Entry.

Well, Spike never did show up by my window to serenade me. In fact, I hardly saw him after that night behind ‘The Bronze’. It probably wouldn’t have been hard to seek him out if I really wanted to, but I guess I was doing my best to keep away from him. Now when I think back to it, I really wish I would have spent more time with him… maybe be a little more open…

Even as the number of days that he had been absent from my life grew larger and larger, the feeling in my heart never died down. It never lessened. I was more in love with him than ever, … and he didn’t even know. It occurred to me then that I never told him how I felt, and I wondered if he ever would, but the fleeting thought passed and I didn’t dwell on it.

Maybe I would have been more insistent on seeing him if AP’s and finals haven’t gotten in the way. The month of April passed and May rolled around before anyone could stop it and soon, we were all swamped with advanced placement tests and last minute work that teachers had thrown upon us.

So all the time that had been originally reserved for thinking about him were now utilized with some major heavy-duty studying. I hardly thought about anything else that wasn’t calculus or government related.

Which was probably the reason why I was quick to overlook some changes that were taking place in my body and brushed off any morning sickness I might have had, blaming it on some strange, annoying type of stomach virus.

But, I couldn’t overlook it forever

Saturday, May 7th, 2005

The eyes that stared back at mine were bloodshot and tired – most likely from the overload of tests the past week. I had dark rings under both eyes that contrasted against disgustingly pale, pallid skin. They looked sunken in, as if I hadn’t had enough sleep lately. Which was true – I hardly had any sleep lately and was exhausted all the time. As I continued staring at my reflection in the mirror, I swallowed down a queasy feeling coming from my stomach.

Whatever I did, I avoided looking at the open packet that was tossed recklessly onto the edge of the bathroom counter.

And of course, I have nothing to worry about, I told myself repeatedly … something I had been doing ever since I left the woman’s clinic that I had passed by on the way home earlier in the morning. The lady there had given me a sympathetic smile and I had quickly shaken my head ‘No… it’s just a precaution thing… there’s really no possibility…’

And she had said ‘Of course, dear.’ Which was all very well, because there really wasn’t any reason I should be… you know. I was on birth control, mainly because I had such horrible cramps whenever I got my period, but still. Birth control was birth control. And controlling the birth meant that one did not get pregnant… because… that would mean that the control of birth was not so much with the controlling and that would be… bad.

But I had nothing to worry about! Because I really wasn’t pregnant – there was no way, right? I mean, people get sick all the time. And I was only worn out because of all those tests I had to take last week.

Anyways. This was only a ‘just in case’.

Nonetheless, my palms were sweaty and shaking just a little bit. I had to hold my breath to keep myself steady. Okay. I could do this. Worst scenario: I’m pregnant. Oh god. Horrible… Horrible worst scenario…

Then again, nothing to worry about.

I squeezed my eyes shut, said a silent prayer then slowly opened my eyes and brought the small pregnancy test strip up to my eyes.

Um.

I reached out blindly and seized the box that it had come in. Instructions… directions… my eyes scanned the sides frantically. I looked around until I saw a folded sheet of paper lying on the ground and grabbed it.

Instructions.

I carefully read the small print. The more I read, the more dread I began to feel. My stomach clenched and the racing of my heart was slowing down. The small glimmer of hope that I had been holding on to – depending on – flickered and slowly burnt out until it was nothing but a few wisps of smoke in thin air. Air that had suddenly started to feel chilly as my throat dried and the little sheet with small printed instructions on it fluttered from my frozen hands.

No…

Sunday, May 8th, 2005

My eyes were fixated on a small brown spot on my ceiling as I lay on my bed, unmoving. It was in a shape of an egg and I swore I had never seen it there before. Now, It was Sunday morning and I hadn’t moved an inch since the day before when I climbed into my bed and tried to cry everything away.

Right now, I was in denial. Maybe it was all a dream. Maybe the indicator was wrong… maybe it was a mistake, maybe it would just go away, maybe…

There was only one person I wanted to see right now and as each minute passed by without him, my heart slowly began to crack. I started feeling the pangs that I had been numb to before. I wanted to run into his comforting arms, listen to his soothing words, pretend that none of this was happening.

In those stories I’ve read about women getting pregnant… they had all been so happy. As if it were a miracle. And right now, I felt as if it were a burden. As if I had just failed a test because of a million careless mistakes. I wanted to scream ‘why me?’ and hide away forever.

But I didn’t do anything except stay in bed and focus on that little egg-shaped spot on my white ceiling, pretending that as the sun rose, I would wake up from this nightmare.

…………

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone, I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me

Once again, I found myself treading through the soft sand of the beach, walking alone with the moonlight guiding me. The sand sifted between my toes like liquid silk and the gentle breeze caressed my skin and made my nightgown billow out about me. I wrapped my arms tighter around myself as I shivered from the familiarity of the night.

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever

I found my favorite boulder and sat on it, smiling at the feel of the cool, rough texture of the rock underneath me. My hand wandered to my stomach and I rubbed it, imagining a little baby growing within me. I tried to believe it.

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river
Without him the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers

“… What do I do?” I whispered and the wind carried my question to the ocean. A cricket replied with a song and an owl hooted out in the distance. The ocean rocked and the waves rolled and all of nature seemed to sympathize with me.

I didn’t know who to turn to. Who to tell. This was something that I had never before imagined in my life.

“I’m lost,” I looked up to the sky and tried talking to God. I wasn’t sure where to begin. “I don’t know where to go… I’m scared. I don’t want this to be happening. I.. I don’t know…”

I gave up.

As I stood up, an idea came to me. Not a solution by all means, but at least it was an idea.

I love you
But only on my own.


Monday, May 9th, 2005

The bell ran and the class filed out, but I lingered behind. I waved at Willow and Xander as they looked at me expectantly and motioned them to leave without me. When they gave me questioning looks, I nodded to Ms. Calendar and they gave me ‘ohh’ faces and quickly disappeared into the hallway.

I held my breath and made my way up to her desk, where she was busy putting papers neatly into different stacks. This was making me more nervous than I thought. I cleared my throat and she looked up.

“Buffy!” she seemed a little surprised to see me standing before her, but she quickly straightened up and smiled brightly at me. “How can I help you?”

“Uh…” I averted my eyes and tried to think of something to say. I took a quavering breath, suddenly doubting that this was a good idea. “I… I need help…” I managed.

“Buffy?” she lowered her head, trying to make eye contact. “Buffy? Are you okay?”

I shook my head and felt my eyes start to water. I brought a hand up to my eyes to quickly wipe the tears away before they had a chance to fall.

“What happened? Are you in trouble?” Ms. Calendar’s voice took on an alarmed tone and she walked around the table to stand next to me and put an arm around me. “Tell me what’s going on.”

“I think… I think I might be pregnant.”

The words rushed out of my mouth and along with them came the torrent of tears. My body convulsed in sobs and I couldn’t control them anymore. Hearing the words out loud for the first time had affected me like none other and I felt like I was reacting to them as if I had just found out.

Ms. Calendar held me as I cried, running her hands through my hair and talking to me gently. “It’s okay, Buffy. You’ll be okay.”

“I’m sorry,” I choked out.

“No, don’t be sorry. You’re fine. We’ll get you through this, honey,” she assured me. When I finally gained control of myself, she sat me down in one of the desks and took a seat across from me. “Are you okay now?” she asked, concerned.

I nodded, sniffling a little and quickly drying my eyes off with my sleeve. “I’m fine.”

“Okay. Are you sure you’re pregnant?”

I nodded again. “I did the home pregnancy test. I- maybe it was a false reading or something but… I’ve been feeling, you know… nauseous, I get sick, I’m feeling tired, I feel… disgusting, basically.”

“Okay,” she said, calmly, giving me a gentle smile. “Do you know who the fath-“

“Yes,” I told her, quietly. I looked away then and I think she realized who I was talking about.

“Oh,” her response came out hushed. “Oh my Go- “

“Yeah.”

I stared out the window to see the sun shining cruelly down on the football field. Some of the cheerleaders were outside, sitting on the bleachers together and talking and I wished I could go back to that. Back to that normal, carefree life when all that mattered was me.

Ms. Calendar took my hand in both of hers. “Hey,” she said, quietly. “Look at me, Buffy.”

I turned to her and saw her smiling gently at me. She made a point to look me directly in the eye and said firmly, “We’ll get through this together. It’ll be okay, honey.”

My eyes began to water again, but the tears didn’t fall down.

“I don’t know what to do,” I whispered, “Ms. Calendar,… I don’t – “

“Don’t worry. And you can call me Jenny,” she squeezed my hand. “Tell me, who have you told?”

“Only you,” I admitted and she smiled.

“Thank you, Buffy,” she said, “for trusting me with this. It means a lot to me and I won’t let you get hurt. We’ll do this together, okay?”

I nodded.

“Have you seen your doctor yet?” she asked me.

I gave her a confused look, “Dr. Pratt’s my – “

“No, not that kind of doctor,” she sat back and thought. “I’ll take you to the clinic and we’ll get you checked out. They’ll perform a few tests on you, make sure you’re really pregnant and everything’s going right, get you prenatal care. Then, we’ll take a look at your options… adoptions, abortion, but let’s see the doctor first. And you’ll have to talk to your parents about this, Buffy. William also deserves to know… as much as I appreciate you coming to me, I do think you should tell them. So when do you have time after school? We’ll have to plan a day to stop by that clinic and see …“

I smiled as she kept talking and planning. Things were far from being resolved but it took a huge load off my chest to have someone in on this with me, someone to share the burden.

...................................................................................................
A/N: okay, i hope none of that seemed really rushed. It's just that she's only got 4 more journal entries left for her to explain what's happening, and all of those are going to be EXTREMELY emotion-packed so get ready for a rollar coaster. I've gotten up to ch. 20 written, i just need to go back and fill in details, etc. So you guys can expect an update a day,... yay!

Just so you know right off the bat... after the journal entries end, the story will jump to 3rd person and we'll see some closure to it.

And i already have plans for a sequel that i think you guys'll find pretty interesting... it's light and hopefully happy. (hint.... has anyone ever seen the movie "ghost"? it has demi moore and whoopi goldberg in it... And, has anyone ever seen "Just Like Heaven"?... think about it, mix it up, and you get a general idea of the sequel. I don't use the storyline, just the basic idea.)

I'm sorry about the delays for "Stronger" and "Would you die for me"... after i finish this story, i'm hoping i'd have overcome the little block i have for both of them.





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