Author's Note:
So yeah, reading my reviews at some point when I’m dealing with stuff like suicide and hospital stays and medical confidentiality would be good, huh? (After all I did look up stuff on phone sex operators ;-)) I based the confidentiality-ness (the doctor telling Giles and Joyce how Buffy was doing) on having signed things that allowed doctors to provide my parents with information and it being a one time (or at least several years long) deal. So I assumed that at some point in the last year and however many months since he turned eighteen, Buffy signed something that would have given that doctor permission to speak with her parents. And I was basing the twenty four hour hold because of her suicide attempt on someone I know having attempted suicide a while back and that’s what they did here. It’s highly possible that I took too much information that I have personally dealt with and (possibly because it has involved two or three states) applied it to California as well.
Okay, so I did go and look it up and a police officer or a health care professional can place someone under a 72 hour involuntary hold if: they are a danger to themselves; a danger to others; gravely disabled. I guess what I was trying to get across was that Buffy had called her parents for help and had not attempted suicide before so they were going to keep her for 24 hours—to see how she was doing once the effects of the drugs and alcohol wore off—and then a decision would be made—and I actually do bring that up…or I will…I do at some point. (And even when the 72 hour thing is used, its only as long as the doctors find it applicable....basically I’m saying that I think over the span of a few chapters I end up explaining the time).
The best I could find on the medical privacy thing was that all the stuff I’ve done was right, but Mac 1 was also right…a lot of stuff is left up to interpretation from what I can tell. But…it does allow “hospitals or doctors to share information with the patient's spouse, family members…” as long as the patient says so—so I’m saying Buffy says so…I’ll add this to Chapter 35 for anyone reading in the future.
I’ll try to look up what the legal stuff would be now—and that everything works with when the story is happening. Thank you though to Mac 1 and Spufette for bringing it to my attention; I think I based it just on personal experience and didn’t look too much into whether I was right for other states or not…but hey, I have been looking stuff up for my next (or one of my next) stories…and even for California too ;-)
So that was me taking a really long time to say, really, that I think I’m right on the 24 hour thing with Buffy given the circumstances and I *think* I’m right about the privacy/disclosure. But it is all complicated so I’m not here saying “I’m right and you’re wrong!” ;) rather I’m thanking Mac 1 and Spufette for reminding me I should make sure I had the right information….Really, people never ever work on this many stories at once—your forget which ones you researched and which ones you assumed stuff on :-)
Chapter 36
“Oh, baby!” Joyce was finally allowed in to see her daughter, Rupert trailing in close behind her. “I’m so glad you’re okay. I was so worried, Buffy. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you and then I got your call and I just knew something was wrong and there was nothing I could do and I had to get Rupert to find you and I felt so powerless and…I’m so glad you’re okay, sweetheart.”
Buffy had been able to hold it together while the nurses told her what they were doing and that she’d need to stay in the hospital overnight—even though she was terrified of hospitals ever since her cousin had died in one over ten years earlier. But her mother’s rambling just undid her.
“I’m so sorry, mommy. I didn’t really mean it,” Okay, so at the moment she had fully meant it, but now she saw that it wasn’t really what she wanted.
“There’s no reason for you to be sorry,” Joyce assured her. “I was just scared. But you’re okay now. See everything’s okay…you’ll be home tomorrow and everything will be fine again.”
Buffy forced a smile, “Of course.”
Buffy and Giles shared a hug where he told her he loved her and was happy she was doing so well. Then he gave Joyce a pointed look and told Buffy he was going to go find something to drink.
“Buffy, I realized earlier that I didn’t actually ask how you felt about William leaving. That wasn’t very motherly of me, I’m sorry. And then Rupert said something…that maybe I should ask about…oh, you know,” She said, changing her mind or chickening out depending on how you looked at it, “Never mind. Why don’t I just let you get some rest?”
“Mommy?” Buffy asked quietly, “Can I tell you why Spike left? I don’t like keeping secrets anymore.”
She sounded so timid and small that Joyce immediately went over to sit on the bed with her. “Of course, sweetie. You know you can tell me anything.”
“But you have to promise not to hate me…I…I wasn’t such a good person.”
“I could never hate you baby,” Joyce assured.
“I know, but…I was horrible, mommy, I was so horrible to him. I know he hates me and…and I already hated me and I thought that I could save him if I could just get him to see I wasn’t worth it. I was so sure he didn’t care…but he did, mommy, he really, really did.
And I broke his heart because I couldn’t see that.”
“Buffy? Do you want to tell me the whole story?” She could sense that maybe this was something Buffy needed to get out in order to fully deal with everything.
“You have to promise though; promise you won’t hate me.”
“I promise, baby, I’ll never hate you.”
“It has to do a bit with Angel…well a lot actually. I know you and Giles think I quit seeing him when you told me to, but…um, I kind of didn’t,” She blushed then, and wondered how she was ever going to tell the rest of the story. “On my sixteenth birthday, I… I had sex with him…well almost…was more oral sex.” There was no way she was saying the words ‘blow job’ around her mother; at least not in succession.
“I didn’t really think you completely quit seeing him when we told you to, but I never thought…Did you ever have sex with him?”
“No, I never did. He, um, I don’t really want to tell you this because well it’s embarrassing and on top of that you’re my mother…but it’s crucial to the rest of the story and…” Taking a deep breath Buffy drew up all of her courage, Buffy rushed the words out, “He told me that I you-know’ed worse than a five dollar whore.”
Joyce started to try to console her daughter but Buffy told her that she needed to get it all out or she’d lose her nerve and give up. Joyce agreed, albeit reluctantly.
“So, I thought that…Daddy said that he left because of,” She trailed off again knowing her mother knew exactly what she meant. “And I…I didn’t want that to happen to any of my kids. So I decided that somehow I’d…get better. I didn’t really do anything about it for a long time, just thought about it and what I could do. But a while ago I…you know those chat lines they advertise in the back of music and men’s magazines?”
“You mean phone sex, Buffy?” Joyce tried to hide the indignation but failed rather miserably.
“Yes, I mean those. I’ve been working for one of them. Hoping that I could learn how to do it…right…better.”
”Okay,” Joyce started, “I’m not saying I approve of all of this because I can assure you I don’t. But I do see your reasons. What I want to know is how William fits into all of this. He’d better not have hurt you, Buffy.”
“He didn’t…well not really. He…a few months before he came to the house he, um, well he called me.”
“How’d he do that—“ her mother interrupted, “I didn’t think he knew where Rupert was until just a short while before he came to visit.”
“He didn’t call me like that…he, uh,” She hated to do this to William. “He called me at work. He didn’t know who I was. And you don’t have to believe me, but we really did start to develop a relationship. He honestly cared how I was doing and he wanted to know what was wrong when I didn’t sound quite right and…he cared,” She said it as if it were the most amazing thing anyone could have done.
“You really believe that it was more than just…just whatever every other girl on those lines would have been to him? That he cared for you?”
“Yes, I do,” Buffy said with absolute conviction.
”You’re a fool, Buffy.” It hurt to hear her mother say that, especially when she was trying to be so open. But she still had to continue—if only for her own peace of mind.
“And he was the only one that I actually want to have call. I pretended with everyone else, but with him…”
“Oh please, Buffy. This is not something I need to hear.”
“Yes it is!” Buffy insisted. “You need to hear this because you need to know that Spike—that William was the only man who ever made me feel like I really mattered to him.” She could see her mother’s expression becoming more open. “And then when he showed up at the house…He recognized me at first and…”
“That’s why he did all of those stupid voices.”
”Yeah, he didn’t want me to know it was him with everyone around; he wanted to wait until he could talk to me—in private.”
“You found out though, didn’t you? When you went to the kitchen?” Suddenly Buffy’s behavior that night made sense.
“Yeah, I found out…And I was so…Don’t really know, but I was stupid. I convinced myself that he’d been calling me just because I was Giles’ step-daughter and he thought it was some big joke. Or that now he knew I would do that…that he thought I was a…whore and only good for sex.
But he didn’t…apparently. I tried convincing myself that that was what he wanted. I had sex with him a bunch of times and ever damn time he tried to prove to me that he cared about me…maybe loved me. But I was so screwed up that I didn’t see it. I pushed him so hard that he finally left.
And I…I’d done so much to convince him that I really was a whore—and believe me I did a great job. I can’t tell you what I did…because I can’t ever tell anyone about it, but…I’d convinced him and I’d convinced me. So after Riley…you remember him right?”
“Yes, I remember him, honey.”
”He tried to have sex with me and I told him I couldn’t….and he…he called me all sorts of names and told me I acted like a slut at the Bronze and that I couldn’t act how I did and not have sex with him. He called me a whore too….”
“You mean William called you a whore Buffy?” That was definitely a mark against him, possibly the mark as far as Joyce was concerned.
“Don’t worry, mommy. He didn’t believe it before—I just drilled it into his head enough and he got angry enough…don’t be mad at him for it, please.”
“I’ll try, but…”
"I know. But if I can forgive him, can't you?"
"I guess."
Buffy smiled at her mother's reluctance. "Anyway, after Riley…after all that happened with Riley, I, um, I went to the Bronze and met this boy named Parker. This was last night. And I got drunk…I don't know what it was…I told him to surprise me.
And, um, I…he asked what I did…and I told him I was a whore. He didn't believe me and I told him that for fifty dollars…" Buffy trailed off completely, unable to tell her mother this.
"You can tell me, sweetie," Joyce assured her, knowing that she didn't really want to hear it but that she probably had to.
"I…I told him that for fifty dollars I'd do what I did to Angel…" That was as much detail as she was giving. "And I started to…you know…but he was saying things and all I could think was that it wasn't me….I couldn't do it, mom. I just really couldn't. And, I…I stopped and he got really angry and…he tried to rape me mommy," Buffy started crying again, even as she tried to stop herself.
"I got out of there and I started running home but I'd gone the wrong way and I didn't have my shoes since I'd broken the heel off of one of them and thrown them away and…and I couldn't stop crying. All I could think was how I'd screwed it all up…I just kept thinking how it was all my fault.
Then when I finally got home, I took a shower—tried to get clean….but all I could do was remember everything that had happened with Angel and then that night with William…the one I can't tell you about…'Whore' had gone from this little word that I could use to make me feel bad about myself to being what I actually was.
And it was all my fault."
"You are not a whore, Buffy," Her mother insisted.
"But I was, mommy. I really was…I screwed up and I was. And I just grabbed that bottle as I got out of the shower and…I couldn't see a way of ever really being the good girl I used to be, again. I took them all because I thought that there was no way I could be….me again.
I didn't know how to get out of this huge mess I'd made of my life."
"But you called me sweetheart," Joyce reminded her.
"I know…I could feel the medicine starting to knock me out and then I saw that picture you put in my room…of me and William. And that was the first time I really let myself acknowledge that he did care about me…in general not just as someone to have sex with…and I knew that if he'd believed in me that much, then maybe there was a way to get it better.
So I called you."
"Buffy, I'm not going to lie, these were troubling things for me to hear and I'm going to have to really think about some of them…but," She continued when she noticed Buffy paling. "But, the point is that you did tell me and that I do know. And now we can work on this together. You're going to get better sweetheart…and I'll help you however you need."
"Thank you, mommy," Buffy leaned over and gave her mother a hug as best she could.
"Now, I'm going to go see how Rupert's doing. Why don't you try to get a little rest? We'll be just outside in the waiting room…I'm sure you can get one of the nurses to come get us if you need to. But for now, you really do need to get some rest sweetie. I love you," Joyce kissed her on the forehead. "I'll see you in a little while."
Buffy was left alone again and this time she felt both relieved for having told her mother the whole story, but also exhausted for the same reason.
But now that someone else knew, there was no hiding from it. She'd get herself back under control and then she'd go find William and apologize to him.
She wasn't delusional enough to believe they could actually start over, but she at least needed to try to get him to forgive her.
TBC.........
So I know that was a really long chapter--especially when you stick in my super long a/n, but I didn't want to break this one up-I wanted all of Buffy's explanation to fit in one chapter :) Hope you liked it...and can understand Buffy better now
And Im not starting it yet but if you're interested in being in my fic preview group, please email me (either through the 'contact' thing on my author page or at suzeefic@gmail.com) and let me know--also, let me know if you'd prefer an LJ community or a yahoo group :)
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Author's Chapter Notes:
really not a big fan of super long author's notes, but I have one this time...sorry....I bolded the (I think) main point at the end so you don't have to read it all....