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Author's Chapter Notes:
may I just say (again becausre recent events have pointed it out again) that I love you all for being so great with this story?

link to the manip this fic got Edgehead all inspired for if you missed it last chapter: clicky here
Chapter 45

Spike’s boxes all arrived the following day and he was finally fully living with her. Even more so than he had been the first go round. They both liked the way it felt.

There wasn’t anything sexual going on this time either, but both liked it better. There also wasn’t the feeling there that something did need to happen—which Buffy was grateful for. She had been afraid that her wanting Spike would lead to problems with them being ‘just friends’ but so far it seemed to be working out very well.


It was now well into the second month since Buffy had gotten home and she had finally worked up the courage to ask Spike—or William as she had started calling him every once in a while—the question she’d been trying to ask for a month or more.

“Spike, could you come to the doctor with me today?” It was easier to call it ‘the doctor’ than ‘therapy’.

Spike had been trying very hard not to ask her too much about her sessions with the psychologist despite his extreme interest; maybe he hadn’t hidden his curiosity well enough.

“That’s something private for you; I wouldn’t want to intrude, luv. Besides, I am sure there is a lot to do here.”

“Spike? I’m not really asking for your benefit. I want you to go but I don’t want to make you go so I’m asking. If you don’t want to go, then that’s okay, stay here. But if you do,” She explained, “Don’t say you don’t just to seem…proper or whatever.”

“In that case I would very much like to go.”

“See, Spike? You have to be honest with me. If I didn’t want you going I wouldn’t have brought it up.”

“Guess that makes sense.”

“Damn right it does!” Buffy joked with him.

“What time’s the appointment?”

“Tomorrow at two.”

“Sounds good. Maybe we could get lunch first?”

“I like that idea. Hey, do you want help making lunch now?” Buffy indicated the spaghetti sauce he was preparing and readily went to help him when he said that he would indeed like some help.


“So, Buffy, this is William,” Dr. Michaels said when they both walked in the following afternoon.

Buffy noticed the look he was giving her, “Yes, I told her your name was William. How screwed up do you think she’s going to think I am if I’m constantly talking about Spike?”

Spike realized she had a point but wasn’t about to tell her so.

“Fine!” Buffy conceded, “So I call you Spike all the time. She just knows your name is William so she’s trying to be all polite, right?” Buffy turned to the doctor for her confirmation.

“I thought it might be a tad presumptuous to start out by calling you Spike,” The doctor agreed.

“Better not be calling my Buffy screwed up though,” Spike said it as a joke but both he and Buffy’s psychologist knew he was being serious.

“Not at all,” She assured him. “And even if psychologists were allowed to call people ‘screwed up’ I wouldn’t. Buffy’s got a lot figured out. She’s a very smart young woman.”

“Bloody right she is.”

Buffy realized that they were all still standing by the entrance to the room and easily led Spike towards the big, comfy sofa in the room. One of the things she liked about seeing Dr. Michaels was that her office was so…relaxing; a big fluffy chair, the sofa and a desk chair beyond the one the doctor sat in made it seem so much less stuffy than she thought of psychologists offices as being.

“Yes, let’s sit down.” The doctor noted how close William and Buffy sat to each other. She knew from what Buffy told her that the relationship was completely platonic, but she guessed that that was only in the physical sense. If there were talking feelings…well, then she would definitely not describe their relationship as platonic.

“Buffy, did you tell William—Spike why you wanted him here today or—?”

“I was hoping you could kind of help me with that part; I’m nervous.”

“You don’t have to be nervous about telling me anything, pet,” Spike assured her, taking hold of her hand and squeezing it lightly. “Whatever you have to say, I’m here for you.”

“See, that’s actually kind of the thing…I can.”

Spike wasn’t getting it, “Not really seeing the problem there.”

“I want to quit seeing Dr. Michaels and talk to you about everything instead,” She blurted it out before her nerves could get the best of you.

“And what about you, doc? You think this is a good idea?” Spike wasn’t showing any obvious emotion and it was worrying Buffy; she’d expected a reaction of some sort.

“I think that if Buffy feels comfortable enough to tell you things and you both don’t think it will harm your relationship any, then I think it’s more than worth a shot.”

“Huh,” He said, seemingly deep in thought. Sure he said that Buffy could tell him anything. But could she really? If she was having problems with him; if something he said got to her; if he was hurting her…would she be able to talk to him about that? What if they got into this and he was the only one she had to talk to and, because she didn’t feel she could share it with him, she started bottling things up again?

What if he hurt her—emotionally; mentally—again?

She’d have no one there to know it was happening, no one for her to tell her secrets to.

“Buffy?” Dr. Michaels asked the anxious looking girl, “Why don’t you give the two of us a minute and then you can explain your reasoning to William?”

“That sounds really good,” Buffy was thankful for the opportunity to have a moment to herself.

“William,” The doctor asked as soon as Buffy had left, “Are you comfortable with this?”

“What?”

”I don’t want you agreeing to this just because Buffy is in the room. If this is not something you think you can handle or don’t feel is a wise choice for the two of you—“

“It’s not that….just a shock I guess.”

“Why is that?”

“Well…she shouldn’t even want me around really and now not only am I living with her and she’s letting me be her friend, but now…to hear that she thinks she can trust me that much…”

“Yes?”

“I don’t know if I can do it.”

“That’s understandable, it would be taking on a lot and some aren’t comfortable with being privy to all that information—“

“No, I…what if I can’t do enough…can’t do it right? What if she does need someone who can really help her and I can’t? I can’t…I can’t get her hurt again.”

“If, with the knowledge of what Buffy and I have discussed these past few months, I didn’t think this would be good for her, I would have told her so. If you’re not sure, then just listen to Buffy’s reasoning and then you can make your decision.”

“But if I say no she’s going to be crushed.”

“Maybe at first, but if you can’t do it, then it won’t be the right thing and I think, in time, she’ll see that.”

“Right,” Spike said, still deep in thought, “That sounds good.”

Spike stayed seated while Dr. Michaels went to get Buffy. Could he do this? Could he do it right? It was not a question of if he wanted to do it, he knew he did; to have that sort of trust and openness with Buffy. He just wasn’t certain he could be enough.

Before he knew it Buffy was sitting next to him again, looking at him, and beginning her explanation. “Right now I feel like I have to save up all the stuff I really want to talk about, for a week. Like I can’t really tell you it because you’re expecting me to tell her about it. And then I feel like you don’t know everything and if you don’t know everything how am I supposed to know how you feel about me. How do I know if you’re really accepting of me when you only know the partial truth?

“And I don’t like someone who doesn’t…who wasn’t there for everything being the primary person helping me. Dr. Michaels is great, but you…you were there. You know how it all happened and you can know when I’m wrong. I mean, you know if I’m remembering it right or being harder or easier on myself than should be the case.

“I,” She couldn’t quite say what she wanted to say yet, so this would have to do, “Really do care about you Spike and I…I want it to be you that is beside me in all of this, that I can tell everything to and that can help me with it all.

“But only if you…not if you don’t want to. And I’d understand if you don’t, I mean I’m pretty screwed up and to tell you to help fix me would be a lot and…”

“You are not ‘screwed up’, luv.”

“Not exactly the picture of normalness either though.”

“Normal’s overrated,” Spike shrugged then turned serious, “You sure you want me to do this?”

“If you want to, yeah.”

“Then it looks like I’ll have to try to remember some of those psychology classes I took at uni,” He joked.





A/N: I know, I know some people hate time jumps, but…it needed to happen that way  But the story’s so close to over that if I weren’t writing my other stories and thought it’d be good for the story I would have written a bunch of fluffy chapters…I don’t want it to end  (But I’m bad and wrote sequel-y things if you’re interested)

and a big thank you to riot_girl314 for adding me as one of her favorite authors...whether she's reading this fic or not :)

and thank you to everyone who's added the fic as one of their favorites (I know only authors can)...there's not much better than seeing something you wrote on the favorites list of an author who writes fics you love.....and I'll shut up with the mushy now :)





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