Chapter 50
"Spike?"
"Yes, luv?"
"Well you remember what I told you happened between me and Angel, right?"
"Of course," Like he would ever be able to forget that.
"And then what happened with Parker?"
Again, something he wouldn’t ever be forgetting. "I remember."
"I had kind of been thinking that that was something I never, ever would do again--not exactly the best experiences in the past and all," she started to explain.
"That's perfectly alright luv; besides, plenty of girl don't even--"
"God you're wonderful, but that's actually not what I'm saying." Spike waited for her to finish. "I actually wanted to ask a favor of you."
"You know I'd do anything for you, Buffy. Whatever it is--"
"Actually I think this one you might need to hear what it is before you decide."
"Buffy, you're making me kind of nervous here," she was taking a long time in telling him what it was.
"Turning into a regular drama queen, aren't I?" She joked, but he could hear the anxiousness.
"No, you're not," He started to assure her, "You're just nervous--for some reason."
"But I need to quit being nervous--I can't always have you promising me it will be okay."
"I will though."
"I know; I can't keep this up though."
"Just try you best."
"It would be easier if the stupid thing had better words for it!" Buffy grumbled. "I mean, there's either the really technical sounding thing or the ones that just sound crude. It's stupid really, I mean how hard is it to think of a word...or even a pair of words, to describe it, that sounds pleasant. I mean really. If they can have like ten billion words and phrases to for actual sex then they shouldn't just have 'oral sex' and 'blow job' for--"
"Kitten--" Spike had to interrupt her; he just had to. "If you're not asking...or suggesting...or whatever-ing what I think you are you’d best tell me now."
"Well I am, so...I'm just figuring out how to ask it is all."
"Buffy, you don't have to do this. I don't want you to do it just because you think it's what I want from you."
"But putting all this other stuff aside would it be something you would want?"
"Luv, you and I both know that we can't just put aside all the other stuff--"
"I know, but if we could?"
"Pet? Have you seen you? And did you hear me the other day--and about a hundred times since then? I love you and you're you, of course I would want it. But only if...Not if it's not something you're not comfortable with. I'd like it but am perfectly capable of living without it."
"Spike, I can't live my life letting those two control what I do. If I...I can't let myself not do something for you that I really think I want to do just because of the shitty way things happened with them."
"We can always wait till you're ready for sure, you know?"
"Sometimes I wish you weren't trying to be so fucking noble," though the words were harsh she tried to keep her tone from being the same.
"Well excuse me for wanting to keep you from getting hurt again."
"Spike, at some point I need to be in charge of my life again. I know that you're there for me, but some day I'm going to have to be allowed to make my own decisions again."
"I know you are and I don't mean to be...I'm not trying to make you feel like you're not capable of handling your own life, Buffy. I'm just...I'm just scared, alright? I loathe the thought of you getting hurt again and...and I guess it's easier if, if you do, it's somehow my fault and not yours."
"Spike, nothing's going to be your fault; or mine.
"Believe it or not I am working on not being so overbearing."
"You're not 'overbearing' per se...just protective and concerned. Now, are you going to give me a straight answer so I can quit worrying already?"
"How about after dinner?"
"You want to make me dinner first? If it's going to take you that long to answer you might--"
"Buffy, I meant 'how about after dinner' for the doing, not for the answering."
"Oh, so you..."
"Want to do it? Bloody right I do."
"Need any help making dinner?" Buffy was smiling again and Spike couldn't believe the conversation they'd just had. It was something that, given past events, he had decided not to ever bring up, but Buffy had surprised him again and...God, she was magnificent.
"That'd be nice, luv. Can you set the table and all that?"
"Don't want me burning the food?"
"It's alfredo sauce pet; don't fancy a fire, especially not tonight."
"Fair enough," Buffy went to get the silverware and set the table as Spike went back to preparing the noodles and sauce.
"Angel is a stupider bloke than I even thought possible."
Buffy moved up the bed and laid along his side before asking him what he meant.
"Think it should be obvious what I mean; man's a bloody idiot if he even remotely believed what he said to you. Because, pet, if anyone on Earth is better at that and they're charging for it, they'd best be charging loads more than five bloody dollars."
"You're just saying that so I'll do it again."
"No, I'm saying it because it's true. You doing it again would just be a bonus." Buffy thumped him on the arm again.
"I know it's early," she said a few minutes later when none of them had been saying anything, "But is it okay if we just stay in here for...for a while?"
"Would love it. Anything you were wanting to talk about or...?"
"Isn't there always? No, really...I do have something I just...I don't want you thinking that---the two things don't have anything to do with each other."
"What we just did and what you're about to talk to me about, you mean?"
"Yeah."
"Why would I think they were related?" Spike started to sit up and reach for his pants, but Buffy stopped him.
"Not saying you would think it. And can you just stay put? I like you like that," she admitted, blushing deeply.
"For as long as you like," He answered. "Talk away, I'm listening; and not connecting."
"Smart ass."
"You like my ass."
"Well, yeah...but that's not what we're talking about now is it?"
"Sorry, love. Tell me what you were going to tell me. I'll be a good boy and keep quiet."
Buffy laid her head on his naked chest and felt herself relaxing as he stroked her hair.
"I want to go back to school."
"Thought you'd finished school, pet."
"Oh, I finished high school. I meant I want to go to college now."
"That's great, Buffy. Going back to school is a big step; any thoughts on where you want to go?" He tried, and failed miserably, to hide his own fear. He didn't know what he'd do if she went away to school somewhere and left him. Probably end up following her, that’s what.
"Don't get so worked up, sweetie. I just want to go to UC Sunnydale. I don't think I could quite handle going far away just yet. Besides, it's a good school and I like Sunnydale. And some of the people in it," she added.
"You can go somewhere else if you want to. We'll figure something out...or we could, I guess, take a break." A break that quite possibly involved him going insane just from stopping himself from following her.
"Is that what you really want, William?" Buffy heard how hard it was for him to sound like he meant that last suggestion.
"Hell no, I don't want it But I do want you to be happy and...and I’m not going to keep you stuck here if you want go…leave."
"You're not keeping me anywhere. You need to get it through that head of yours that if I did want to leave, I would. I'm not as helpless as you sometimes act like."
"I don't mean to." He knew she was just pointing something out, not trying to admonish him at all.
"Yeah, I know. And I know I gave you plenty of reasons before to think that I was the last person who should be left in charge of my life. But...but things are different now. I'm different now."
"You are at that. I'm trying to learn, really I am."
"I know, I love you for it. And it really is enough for right now. We're both learning how to do this all."
"Think we're doing pretty well too. Now, why don't we talk some more about this uni thing?"
"Well I did have one ore question..."
"Go ahead."
"Will you help me look into loans? I want to find out who has the best rates and stuff; I know Giles will offer to pay--or at least I think he will, but..." She still was not quite sure of just where her relationship with her step-father stood.
"But what, Buffy?"
"But we're not doing our best right now, he and I, and I don't really want to be owing him money."
"Well, I do know who has the best loan for you," Spike said.
"Really?" She asked, "Already?"
"Already."
"Who?"
"Me."
"You what?"
"I have the best loan for you."
"Spike...I'm not going to owe you money."
"You're right, you're not. I'm paying for you to go to college, pet."
"You can't do that!" Buffy protested, sitting up slightly so she could look him in the eye.
"Sure I can. I've got the money and any other way you do it you're going to end up owing some bank a bit chunk of money. This really is the perfect answer."
"And what about me owing you money?"
"Simple, you don't."
"What are...Are you trying to be confusing?"
"No," he laughed, "But I'm guessing that I am. Buffy, let me pay for your college. Not as a loan, not something you have to pay back. Just let me do it."
"What as like some huge gift?"
"Pet, I plan on buying you a house some day."
"Did you know you can be really overwhelming?"
"I've been told that a time or two. Is it a problem?"
"I just. I just don't know how to react is all."
"Just say you'll let me pay for it."
Buffy was hesitant, but she could tell that it was really something he wanted to do for her. He saw it as a simple thing, he had the money, she needed it, so he was doing it for her. And when she looked at it like that it seemed pretty simple to her too.
"Okay. And thank you."
"You're welcome, pet. Now," He got her to lie down again, "Any idea what you want to study?"
"Not really sure...maybe history but I don't know what kind of jobs that would get me."
"Could always marry some rich bloke then you wouldn't have to work."
"I could," Buffy agreed, knowing what he was really suggesting. "But we'll just have to see."
TBC…..
I know, I know...I'm a very bad author for not taking the chance to make this chapter smutty...but believe me when i say that you would have been calling me a very bad author for an entirely different reason if I had....the fic's not over though so don't give up on me yet :)
(and to everyone in my fic preview group, I swear I'm trying to find time to get an email out to you; I haven't forgotten about you)
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I still haven't finished the story to post after this is finished (and having family come visit sooner than anticipated doesn't help much), so I'll try to finish it (as if I haven't been already), start posting a new, short 4 chapter one or try to get one of the mini sequels for SB all done up....hopefully this coming week I'll be able to start posting something that is not a one shot ficlet.......and if not, hopefully you all won't leave me :)