THE WORLD IS MINE
Summary: Buffy’s ‘little’ secret is found out by Spike and he wants answers to his questions.
He gets some.
Chapter 7: ‘Confessions Of A Tortured Soul’
Before Spike could utter another word, Buffy disentangled herself from his strong arms and leapt out of her own bed. Disregarding her rather ‘vulnerable’ state of nakedness, she fled into her master bathroom adjoining her bedroom.
After slamming and locking the bathroom door, Buffy reached behind her medicine cabinet and pulled out her handy-dandy extra stash of weed. She kept it hidden there in case of emergencies and oh brother, was this ever an emergency!
Buffy lifted open the bathroom window and lit up a quickly rolled joint, carefully blowing the smoke out into the cool morning air. Then, she began to think, carefully about the discussion she had just ‘not had’ with Mr. Spike Giles.
‘Is he saying he likes me?’ Buffy nearly vocalized her stunned question. No, make that shocked question.
“Of course he is,” she snorted softly and shook her blond head, taking another hit off her joint. “Oh shit, he wants a relationship…” she groaned.
Not that Spike was so bad, really; Buffy had to admit that to herself. He was handsome, sexy, charming, British and oh yes, seemed honest, forthright and oh yes….great in bed and…..
“You don’t do relationships well Summers,” Buffy grumbled at her reflection in her bathroom mirror. “Remember poor Riley?”
Riley Finn had been a good friend of Buffy’s for years and it had seemed natural to fall into a relationship with him. Finally that is.
The problem with Riley is he may look all big and impressive on the outside, but inside he was nothing but an overgrown boy scout. Buffy needed someone stronger then that; emotionally anyway.
Although their relationship had lasted for over a year; by the time it was finished? Buffy had really put Riley through some severe shit and he was so broken up, he’d almost left Sunnydale and his police career behind afterwards.
“God, you’re really fucked up Summers,” Buffy sighed and chuckled derisively, tossing her residual roach in the toilet. She washed her hands and brushed her teeth, then took a deep breath.
It was about time to go back into the bedroom and face off with Mr. Spike Giles. Buffy just had to put him straight, fast, about how fucked up she truly was and how he’d be better off without her in his life.
Yeah, that was it.
Buffy had every intention of marching back into her bedroom; guns ablazing (figuratively speaking) and setting Spike straight about a few things. However, the moment she opened her bathroom door, she plowed right into said Mr. Spike who was leaning against the doorframe there.
“Just a question, luv,” Spike mumbled as he grabbed Buffy by her slim shoulders. His grasp wasn’t so tender as it had been before.
Buffy so did not like the stern look in Spike’s amazing blue eyes or the frown on his handsome mouth. Spike’s head was tilted to the side; almost like a curious cat.
“Yeah,” she glared up at him using her best tough-guy tone she could muster. She hoped her defensive stance (well at least it was as defensive as possible seeing as how she was still in Spike’s vice-like grip).
“I myself could use a cigarette at the moment; especially after the great sex we just had,” Spike stated evenly, studying Buffy’s eyes and face. “A drink of whisky would be about as vice-like as I could get after the amazing shagging, Princess,” he continued in his deep voice.
It made Buffy shiver all over again. ‘Well there goes the straightening out talk,’ she mused ruefully.
“But do you mind bloody well telling me, sweet, just exactly why you choose to lock yourself away and smoke illegal dope? And, for that matter, how often do you do that and how much?” Spike tightened his grip on Buffy’s shoulders, his intense blue eyes glared deeply into her fearful green ones.
{At the Sunnydale Police station…}
“Has my nephew checked in yet?” Rupert Giles asked the dispatch person. He tried very hard to keep the desperation from his voice.
“Nope,” Johnathan Levy replied non-chalantly. “I told you I’d let you know when…..”
“Yes, I know,” Giles mumbled in exasperation, “and I thank you Levy. It’s just that my nephew, William, can be so trying sometimes and…..”
The dispatch phone rang and disrupted Rupert’s words.
“Yes, of course,” Johnathan whispered into the receiver, then hung it up and looked at his superior. “That ‘was’ your nephew,” Johnathan stated evenly. “He won’t be in today and neither will Miss Summers.”
Johnathan Levy suppressed the goofy grin that threatened to come to his mouth. He knew Buffy Summers, very well, and admired her greatly. If Captain Giles’ nephew was calling in to say he wasn’t showing for work and he noted that Buffy wasn’t either? Well, didn’t that mean just one thing?
Now, it was up to Johnathan to squelch the rumors that would certainly make the rounds at the precinct. Of course, the rumours most possibly wouldn’t start if he, Johnathan Levy, didn’t begin them and…..
“Oh good Lord,” Giles sighed heavily as he removed his glasses and cleaned them thoroughly. “I’d appreciate it, if you did not vocalize the contents of my nephew’s message about, eh?” Rupert gave the elfin like Levy a stern look; happy to see it seemed to ‘take’ with the young man.
Riley Finn chose that inopportune moment to enter the dispatch room. If Riley was usually quite clueless, Rupert noted, the younger man seemed full on alert today.
Finn mentioned that Buffy hadn’t showed up yet and neither had Spike. The overgrown boy scout shot Rupert a knowing, rather pathetic looking glance and then glared at Johnathan Levy.
Johnathan grinned kindly at Riley; an attempt, no doubt to cover a smirk. It was no secret that Johnathan Levy did not like Riley Finn; his loyalty lay with Buffy Summers.
“Go back to work,” Rupert Giles muttered at both Riley Finn and Johnathan Levy.
“Oh dear Lord,” Rupert mumbled to himself as he again cleaned his glasses with the sterile white handkerchief he always carried. He walked back to into his office and slammed the door behind him.
{Back at Spike’s room of interrogation!}
“Get your luscious little arse back into that bed, Princess,” Spike growled as he pulled her towards the massive bed. “You’ve got some explainin’ to do and…..”
“What, this is interrogation time now?” Buffy asked, stunned that she’d been caught out and also a bit shocked that this son-of-bitch would even thing about…..
“Do I look like I have ‘grill lights’ or rubber gloves, sweetheart?” Spike grumbled with a roll of his blue eyes. Before Buffy could answer, he tossed her, somewhat gently, onto the bed and crawled up behind her.
“Maybe you’d like it if I did,” Spike purred silkily; his smirk widened as he set himself in front of this naked little goddess. “Would you like that, sweet? Spike with rubber gloves, handcuffs and…..”
“Oh, shut the fuck up!” Buffy growled angrily, crossing her arms over her ample, naked breasts.
“Now,” he continued evenly as he blocked her escape. “Let’s get to it. Why smoke the dope? How much and how often? Seems like pretty straightforward questions to me, luv.”
If Spike didn’t look so damn serious, Buffy would have thought he just might be joking around. However…..
She took a deep, deep breath, Buffy did and scrunched up her courage. This was going to take a lot of courage, it was. Why Buffy felt the ‘need’ much less the desire to tell this man everything was beyond her however.
Buffy had never told anyone about the pot smoking, much less how or why she got started. No one knew she smoked; when she started or why or that she still continued to this day. To numb the pain; yeah, that was it. To numb the pain.
“Is it guilt, Princess? The mixed up way you feel about savin’ Harris’ worthless life back in the day? Are you so remorseful that you numb your pain with whatever you can, sweet? Well?” Spike murmured softly as he tucked a stray lock of her blond hair behind her ear. He smiled, kindly and tenderly rested his left hand on Buffy’s bare shoulder.
This made Buffy’s tummy flip-flop in the most pleasant way and it was at that precise moment that she knew she could tell him. In that instant, Buffy realized she could tell Spike Giles everything.
“That’s not the only reason,” Buffy replied in a hushed tone; chewing her lower lip nervously.
She didn’t even flinch when Spike patted her shoulder gently and leaned in even closer to her shaking little body.
“It’s something else,” Buffy mumbled in a high pitched tone, her voice trembling a bit. “Something from my past, but not so far back,” she continued carefully. She couldn’t even look at her new lover, even though she knew that she would find no judgment in those incredible blue eyes of his.
“Just sit and listen, okay Spike?” Buffy muttered under her breath, not even sure he had heard. “If you don’t just sit and listen; I won’t tell you the story. Okay?” She all but growled her request.
Spike could see that his lover was resolute in her determination, so he just nodded, slowly in response to her request.
“I was a freshman, at Sunnydale University,” Buffy began, cautiously, her green eyes were lowered to focus on her tummy.
“I wasn’t a virgin by then,” she added quickly, “but I wasn’t exactly experienced by any means. Buffy stole a glance at Spike’s whose jaw flinched just a bit at her admission.
“It was nearly Thanksgiving break,” she continued quietly, “and I was such a naïve fool. So stupid, stupid,” she hissed desperately. “I didn’t have a steady boyfriend so….” Her sentence trailed off.
“Anyway,” Buffy began again, “I got myself into a sticky situation one night. Got separated from my friends; at a frat party. I knew better, or I should have,” she shook her head sadly.
“I’ve never been much of a drinker,” Buffy offered with a derisive chuckle. “Not much of anything,” she sighed sorrowfully.
“You’re not a nothing, sweet,” Spike whispered hoarsely. For some reason he had a sinking feeling of just where this was going.
“You don’t get to say anything yet,” Buffy pouted; then smiled slightly.
“Right,” Spike muttered as he lifted her chin up to gaze into her luminous green eyes. There were tiny teardrops in them and he felt his chest tighten in fear.
“I got pretty wasted on beer and ended up in frat house bedroom,” Buffy murmured gruffly. “I actually kind of passed out on a random bed; alone and drunk,” she admitted reluctantly as tiny, traitorous tears began to spill down her cheeks.
“I wasn’t alone for long,” she muttered, her eyes downcast.
“A guy,” she whispered, her body began to tremble violently and Spike held her close to his own tense body.
“He came in and…..well he raped me, Spike. He raped me pure and simple and….” Buffy began to sob into Spike’s strong chest; her tears soaked his taut skin.
“The son-of-a-bitch!” Spike roared loudly as he embraced his little treasure into him. “I hope…..”
“I never told anyone,” Buffy sobbed desperately. “I couldn’t….there was a reason, Spike and…..”
“Buffy, is this the thing that truly drives you so? What makes you numb your pain and…..” Spike asked sincerely as he gazed into those wet, dear green eyes he had come to love.
“Uh huh,” Buffy replied childishly. “That and something else,” she stammered; frightened like a small child in a thunder storm.
“There was a baby,” Buffy choked out, “a little baby that no one wanted. Least of all me,” she added sadly. “How could I want the poor little thing? Brought into the world like ‘that’ by a father who….”
“Buffy it’s okay, sweetling, please,” Spike begged mournfully. Her little soft head was snuggled into his damp chest; her golden hair seemed to mop up and dry the wetness her tears had caused.
“It’s not okay,” Buffy moaned woefully. “It’ll never be okay,” she added with a groan. “I made the baby go away,” her pitiful cries broke Spike’s heart.
“The baby I didn’t want; that was conceived in the unholiest way imaginable,” she sobbed uncontrollably.
“You were young, unprepared and who could blame you for not wanting to have and raise a poor little bloke; conceived that way? How could you take care of the poor little thing? Be a good mum to it when…” Spike asked quietly, trying to comfort the poor tortured soul in his arms.
“This is why you’re so driven then, Princess? Why you hurt so and cover your pain? Harris and his misdeeds are just a by-product of your misery and….” Spike’s gentle questions were cut off when Buffy glared up at him.
“Don’t you get it?” Buffy asked. “You really don’t get do you,” she gasped in disbelief. “For all your great detective skills and everything; you don’t have a clue do you?”
“Buffy?” Spike whispered, “what are you trying to tell me, sweetheart?”
“It ‘was’ Xander Harris,” Buffy spat angrily. “Xander was the guy that raped me that night; the one that got me pregnant!”
A/N: I wasn’t sure if I was really happy with this chapter or how I explained some things here. I hope it worked and you readers could feel Buffy’s pain.
Thank you for reading and please review, spufette.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I'm not sure if I"m really happy with this chapter.....I wanted to reveal so much more but thought I should stop where I did.
Thank you for reading and please review.
Thank you for reading and please review.