Buffy visibly relaxed a little as she felt the cool metal lock around her wrists, and Giles realized with alarm just how frightened she must be of her own potential for violence, that she felt *relieved* at the thought of being restrained.
She pulled experimentally on the chains that held her wrists down near her sides. Attached to the wall about three feet from the floor, and extending about two feet outward, they allowed her enough room to sit, or even lie down, to be reasonably comfortable for the night.
And yet, they were magically enhanced, designed to be strong enough to hold anything of supernatural origin that they might come across that was dangerous and needed to be restrained, but for whatever reason, could not be simply slain.
At the moment – she fit the bill.
Satisfied that the chains would restrain her should she lose control again, Buffy faced her Watcher with a sigh and a grim nod of satisfaction. She frowned at the expression on his face as he silently moved a wooden chair across the room and placed it near her so that she could sit down.
It was obvious to her that the sight of his Slayer in chains like this made him uneasy, even though she was only a prisoner by her own choice. But she knew that the dark mood her Watcher had slipped into was not only because of that. True, there were many things about this situation, even what little of it Giles already knew, that were extremely troubling – but that did not explain the unexpected anger she had seen in his eyes.
Silence filled the room as he brought a second chair and set it down facing her, before taking a seat and looking her in the eye without a word, quietly expectant of her explanation. The anger seemed to have quickly faded from his eyes, leaving only a weary sort of disappointment.
That was so much worse.
“*What*?” she finally demanded in a defensive tone, her eyes welling with unexpected tears. “Why are you mad at me? You shouldn’t be mad at me yet! I haven’t even told you why you should be mad at me at all!” She realized that she sounded petulant and childish and that her argument did not make much sense.
She didn’t care.
“I’m not angry with you, Buffy,” Giles sighed, relenting a bit already.
He never could stand to see her hurting or in tears. It awakened a protective fatherly instinct within him – a feeling that he had never been able to drive back, no matter how hard he had tried – even when it cost him his official position as a Watcher.
“It’s just that if you’d only *told* me what you were dealing with from the beginning instead of keeping secrets -- *again* -- we could be much closer already to finding the solution.”
Buffy recognized the truth of his words, but also knew that this entire situation was by no means *completely* her fault.
“Well, if you hadn’t sent me off to perform a ritual that wasn’t even necessary and ended up messing up my entire life -- *again* -- then we wouldn’t need a solution in the first place!” she retorted, both gratified and guilty when her Watcher flinched slightly at the reminder of the one time he had truly failed her – an incident which was, truth be told, never far from his own thoughts.
“Buffy,” he said quietly, in a voice of carefully controlled emotion. “If you had performed the ritual as it was intended to…”
“I’m sorry.”
Giles stopped talking, meeting her eyes again with a calm acceptance in his own, acknowledging that her accusation was deserved, in spite of his attempts to defend his actions. No matter how badly it hurt to hear it, he knew that now, as then, a great deal of the responsibility for what had happened lay with him.
“I’m sorry, Giles,” Buffy repeated. “I shouldn’t have said that. You have made that up to me in so many ways since then, and I’ve messed up too, and it’s just not fair to even bring that whole thing into this, but…”
She took a deep breath before continuing in a quiet, shaky voice, “It’s just – I’m so – frustrated, and – and scared – and I don’t know what I’m gonna do to fix this. I know I messed up. But with all due respect, I don’t need you telling me how when you really don’t even know half of what’s happened in the past few days.”
Giles was silent, taking in her words for a moment and considering them, before nodding slowly. “Quite right, Buffy,” he agreed with a heavy sigh, leaning back a bit in his chair, the expectant expression returning to his face. “So why don’t you change that?”
Buffy looked down, taking a deep breath, bringing her chained hands around to rest in her lap as she gathered the courage to respond – to finally come completely clean with her Watcher, once and for all.
“Why don’t you just – start at the beginning? What happened, from the moment we dropped you and Spike off at the mansion that night?” Giles prompted her gently. “In complete detail. Any small thing could be important to unraveling just what went wrong.”
Buffy gave him a dubious look. “When you say *complete* detail…”
“I mean as complete as you can,” Giles clarified, closing his eyes for a moment as if to shut out the offensive images her words conjured up against his will. “…without making me want to kill myself with one of the many sharp instruments conveniently at hand.” A casual wave of his hand indicated her various pointy weapons here and there around the training room.
Buffy smiled in spite of herself, nodding as she drew a deep breath in preparation. Her expression became serious as her mind went over the disturbing events of the past few days, her pride rebelling at the idea of revealing the truth -- *all* of it – to her Watcher.
Finally, she managed to work up the courage to speak, and after a few halting hesitations, began to tell him exactly what had taken place that night in the mansion. She left out a few choice details as to specifics, but nothing that was necessary in order for him to understand the significance of what she and Spike had done.
She told him about the fight that had turned to more, and the sequence of events that had taken place – the vampire’s rejected claim over her – and her mating claim, accepted by Spike.
An acceptance he probably sorely regretted now.
She could not look at Giles as she explained what had happened afterwards, when Spike had tried to leave her – but she forced herself to at least try to make him understand. She described the overwhelming desire to control and dominate the vampire, her uncontrollable rage at any small act of defiance he might commit – and the frightening threats and violence she had used to bring him further and further under her control.
When she finally finished, Giles was silent for what felt like a very long time, as he processed her words. Her curiosity almost overcame her shame, as she longed to look up at him, to see his reaction to her words.
But at the same time, it was the thought of that reaction that terrified her – hence the “almost”.
When Giles finally spoke, she was startled and dismayed by his words. “If that bloody vampire hadn’t attempted to initiate a mating claim in the first place…”
“No,” she protested sharply, glaring up at him indignantly. “It wasn’t Spike’s fault!”
Giles raised his eyebrows skeptically, obviously disbelieving of her claim. “No?” he questioned. “And you would have attempted to claim him as your eternal mate if he had not attempted it first?”
“I – I don’t know,” Buffy stammered, looking down again, honestly unsure as to the answer to that question. “Maybe – I…”
Giles laughed then, a surprising soft, bitter sound. “Buffy,” he said in a sadly gentle tone. “I highly doubt that you would have ever willingly…”
“I started the physical – um, *sexual* -- stuff with Spike,” Buffy interrupted suddenly, blurting out the words in a rush, her downcast eyes avoiding his gaze. “I – I kissed him. In the middle of the fight.”
“I may regret asking this, Buffy,” Giles said in a tired voice when she paused, taking off his glasses and wiping them as he went on. “But whatever possessed…” He stopped, correcting his unfortunate wording. “Whatever made you do a thing like that? I’m assuming that you *were* still in control of all of your actions at that point?”
Buffy nodded with a little grimace as she thought about her answer to that question. “I – I think so – I’m not sure,” she replied quietly.
The simple answer was that she had been losing, and had needed to distract him. But that did not really serve to answer his final question, the answer for which she really did not know. She had *thought* that she was in control at the moment – but then, why had there been such intensity, such passion, in that s ingle kiss? Why had her lips hungrily sought after his when he had eventually pulled away?
Why could she still taste that first kiss every single time that she remembered that moment?
All of that fell into the category of “information likely to drive Giles to suicide”.
“I was losing,” she stated simply. “I needed to distract him.”
“And there were no other means of – distraction – at your disposal?” he asked skeptically.
“Well, sure,” Buffy shrugged as she gave her sarcastic reply. “but I try not to do things like that with guys I hardly know who also happen to be trying to kill me at the moment.” She rolled her eyes at Giles’ expression of shock, and added flatly, “He had me pinned. I couldn’t get away. He was going to win.” She paused. “The kiss distracted him enough to allow me to get the upper hand.”
Giles nodded, accepting that, though it was clear that he still disapproved of her methods.
Buffy hesitated for a moment, trying to decide what to say next – and finally giving in to the truth. If she wanted Giles to be able to help her with this, she was going to have to be honest with him, no matter how embarrassing it was.
She took another deep breath before adding quickly, before she could stop herself, “And also I sort of wanted to kiss him.”
Giles frowned, a bit alarmed by those words, trying to understand exactly what it was that she was saying. “So you think – you may have been possessed by whatever this is that early on?”
She shook her head uncertainly; she was just figuring it all out for herself as she went along.
“No – I don’t think that’s right – because – at the start – it wasn’t so – so *violent*. I didn’t want to hurt him. And I didn’t seem to be *forced* to do anything; I was still in control. I just…” She felt the heat of a fiery blush rise to her cheeks, looking away, as she made herself continued, “I just -- *wanted* him.”
She was silent then, glancing sideways at her Watcher to make sure he understood what she was saying; his only slightly uncomfortable nod indicated that he did.
“It’s so weird, Giles,” she whispered, shaking her head slowly as she looked away again. “I really don’t even know how to explain it. Sometimes – it feels like…” She paused, struggling to put the feelings into words. “I’m split into three parts in here. There’s this – jealous, possessive freak who can’t stand the thought of anyone trying to take Spike away, or – or his defying me – and just loses it if I think either of those things are happening…”
Giles nodded silent encouragement, noting the information that Buffy had previously withheld in her statement – the apparent trigger for her violent, out-of-control behavior – and waited for her to say more.
“Then – there’s the second part of me – the part that still sees him as mine, I guess because of the mating claim – and *wants* him to be mind, but – but that part of me is totally horrified by the fact that I’m hurting him – that part of me wants to protect him and take care of him – gets furious when someone else tries to hurt him…”
She fell silent again for a moment, as they both remembered the scene in the store just the night before, when she had attacked Xander when he had been about to hit Spike.
“And then,” she finished in a soft, subdued sort of voice. “there’s the third me. *Me* me. The one that’s just confused and frustrated and – and guilty, and has absolutely no freaking clue what is going on here – but can’t seem to do anything to stop it.”
Giles was quiet for a moment, considering all that she had said, before he reminded her gently, “But Buffy – you must remember – the only one that is truly you, under your own power and with your own true feelings, is the third one. The first is clearly whatever entity has been controlling you, and the second is the feelings that have been created by the mating claim. You are only truly responsible for the actions of the third, as it is the only one that is truly you.”
Buffy frowned thoughtfully; somehow, as welcome as that thought was – it did not ring true to her. She knew that, if for no other reason than that she had *allowed* it to continue this long, without taking the measures she had just taken to control it – she *was* responsible for the pain that Spike had been forced to endure at -- *her* hands.
And the tender, affectionate emotions she felt for him, did not feel like some fake, manufactured feelings; they felt completely and totally real to her. Even while under Willow’s will-be-done spell, although she had been thoroughly convinced that she was in love with Spike and he was going to be hers forever, and that was how it was *supposed* to be – she had still had the vague niggling sense that something was not right.
The feelings she felt for him now felt true and genuine. She knew beyond all doubt that he was *hers*, and would be forever, hers to cherish and care for and treasure – and that thought filled her with a deep sense of security and happiness like nothing had made her feel for a very long time.
No – these did not seem one bit like “fake” feelings.
“See – that’s the thing, Giles,” she said slowly, dawning realization in her eyes, before looking up to meet his gaze with wonder and slight bewilderment. “It feels like it *is* me – all the time. Even when I don’t like what I’m doing after the fact – while I’m doing it, I know what I’m doing. *I* make the decision to do it.”
“But – you said it was beyond your control…” The Watcher frowned in confusion, not liking the sound of this at all.
“I know,” Buffy continued, frustration evident in her voice. “And it is – I think – I don’t know. It’s so confusing, Giles, I don’t know of any better way to explain it. But – but I think it *is* me – in a way…I just don’t know…”
Giles was quiet, trying to understand the very difficult concept she was trying to express. “Perhaps…” he speculated softly. “…something is – infecting your emotions? Causing you to feel things that you would not normally feel? Not an actual entity inhabiting you?”
“Maybe,” Buffy shrugged helplessly, discouraged. “I don’t know.”
She glanced up at him, suddenly remembering something she had heard mentioned earlier – when she had overheard Dawn and Spike’s conversation in the kitchen, in the moments before she had so brutally attacked him.
“Oh – Giles! Earlier – Spike was saying something about – since his chip has stopped working…maybe it’s something to do with Will’s spell? Maybe something went wrong with that, and that’s why the chip never started working again. And if *that* went wrong – then maybe that has something to do with what’s happening to me!”
The Watcher nodded slowly, his eyes lighting up with hope at that suggestion. “I honestly don’t know why I hadn’t thought of that.” He stood up, looking with sympathy at his bound and miserable Slayer, sitting dejectedly in the little wooden chair.
“We’re going to find the answer, Buffy,” he assured her quietly. “I promise you that.”
She did not respond, not nearly as hopeful as he was about it.
“I’m going to go call Willow and have her come over so that we can examine the spell. I’ll be right back,” he told her, turning and heading toward the door to the store.
While she waited for him to return, Buffy wondered about the implications of her thoughts that it could really be *her* that was doing all this, a devastating sense of guilt coming over her at that possibility. She wondered if it was Willow’s spell that had done it, and if it could therefore be undone as easily.
But most of all – she wondered if the chains that bound her would really be strong enough to control her if she flew into a rage such as she had been prone to lately.
Because although she had only been away from her vampire for a few short hours – she could feel the irresistible desire slowly building up in her again – and had no idea how long she might have before the fiercely possessive creature that had done so much damage before came out again to protest the fact that she was being denied what was rightfully hers.
As the very thought of Spike seemed to increase the desire she was feeling – she had the sinking feeling in her heart that it would not be very long at all.
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