Most of all, she did not want to be convenient. Why did he have to say it and confirm her fears? She wanted to be wanted, desired and though she would never admit this even to herself -- she wanted to be loved. To be loved by William.
She had no one to blame but herself. With one word, he had filled her with heartbreak and anger. She had known from the minute she met him all the years previous what kind of a man William Giles was: cold, unfeeling, and ruled by his head and not his heart.
Since she had come back to England, she had seen glimpses of a passionate, caring man. One who loved to cook breakfast for her and his niece, one who calmed her nightmares, and one who could make her burn with desire. She had fooled herself into thinking that he felt for her because of the person she was, not because she had been tied to the rest of his life through their niece. She and Ella had been dumped into his life and seeing the opportunity to have an instant family that he did not have to work for, William seized it.
Sure at first, her eyes had been wide open to the man he was. Slowly however, bit by bit, her vision had been clouded, blurred by the late night fireside chats, shared passionate embraces comfort and support given when needed.
Looking back, she could see that he had never given her any reason to fall in love with him; he had not changed. She was the one that had changed. As much as she wanted to be angry with William for making her feel this way, she knew the only person to blame was herself.
William was about ready to break another phone by hurling it across the room and smashing it against the wall. Bloody bint could be a down right frustrating, headstrong pain in the arse when she set her mind to it.
“Argh!” he growled loudly, not caring if everyone heard him. This is what she had reduced him to – an animal.
“Whoa! What’s gotten into you?”
Looking up, he found Faith coming in his office and shutting the door.
“Where’s Buffy?” she asked.
“She left. Thanks, by the way, for that.”
Faith had the audacity to look innocent. “What’d I do?”
He glared at her, “You know exactly what you did. Thanks to you, she thinks she’s just convenient now!”
Faith pointed at herself. “Thanks to me? How thanks to me?”
“Because of our arrangement, she now thinks that she’s my convenient built in family.”
“What is she to you, William?”
“She’s...she’s...”
“Okay, let’s take this one step at a time. What is her relation to you?”
“She’s Angel’s sister. She’s my sister-in-law. Ella’s aunt.”
“And do you think of her that way? I mean, do you care for her, William? Or are you just settling into the built in family you’ve got?”
“No! I do not think of her that way at all. That stubborn bint tried to tell me that I found her convenient once before and that was not the case at all. I was ... I was ... I was swept away by her. By her free spirit and her love of life. Her passion. She is everything I’m not and God help me, I need her.”
“Then I think you should leave right this second, and tell her just that, William. How is she supposed to know these things if you don’t tell her?”
Entering the empty apartment, feeling the words right on the tip of his tongue, William called Buffy’s name.
Silence greeted him.
“Buffy? Willow?” Pause. “Ella?”
Nothing. Sounds of silence. It was unnerving.
How was that possible? How long had he been coming home to silence? How often had he welcomed it, telling himself he did not want or need to have anyone here? Too often. He had to wonder how many times telling himself that had been just him trying to convince himself. The truth was, he did feel lonely at times, and he just never gave into it. He would bury himself in work or a book, anything to get his mind off the fact that he wished he had someone there to talk with, to share things with, and to laugh with.
After all this time with Buffy and Ella, sounds of silence were not what he looked forward to anymore. It put him on edge actually – where were the sounds of activity? Of Buffy calling for him or laughing at him. Where was Ella’s little voice laughing and gurgling at him? Those were the sounds he would come to associate with home and he did not ever want the silence back.
Checking his watch, he decided he might as well get ready for the function he had to go to. He was hoping that once he talked to Buffy, she would agree to go with him after all.
Buffy felt hot, worn out and was about to cry. She was frustrated. She was frustrated at herself, at William and the confusing British maps and roads. She felt ready to scream, and when she saw Willow coming toward her to take her home, with Ella in her arms, Buffy let the floodgates go and she burst into tears.
“Buffy! What happened?” Willow asked, rushing up. “How did you get lost?”
“Willow,” Buffy said, taking Ella in her arms and holding the baby tight, “If I knew how I got lost, then I never would have gotten lost in the first place.”
“Good point.”
“I just want to go... home.”
Willow looked at her imploringly, “Which home are you referring to?”
“At this moment? The United States of America. Where I, for one, am never lost and where I, for two, can read American men because you know what? Englishmen elude me completely.”
“Come on, let’s go to William’s. I’ll make you some tea and you can take a nice warm bath.”
Buffy nodded dumbly and followed her. Reaching into her pocket, she pressed the ‘off’ button on her phone so William could not call.
Entering the dining room, William found a note addressed to him. “William, Buffy was lost and called me. I took Ella with me to bring her back.”
Furious and worried about Buffy, William tried once more to call her. No answer, in fact it went straight to voice mail. Gritting his teeth, he narrowed his eyes when he heard the door opening.
Stalking into the living room, he found Willow, Buffy and Ella entering. Buffy was holding onto Ella and did not seem willing to let her go any time soon.
“Where the hell have you been?” William demanded of her. She looked a mess. Her hair was knotted, her mascara smudged and she looked as if she had been crying. Was that because of him? Concern came out as anger.
“I’ll take Ella,” Willow said softly and took Ella out of Buffy’s arms.
She looked up at him. “I got lost.”
He frowned, “I saw the note. How long were you lost for?”
“What the hell do you care? Oh, wait, I’m sorry. I wasn’t home like June Cleaver would have been to hand you your slippers and pipe. So sorry.”
All the anger that had subsided in her was coming back with a vengeance. It hurt, hurt to look at into his eyes and know that he did not love her. It angered her to look at him all dressed up, and still want him, and to know that he did not want her the same way. She fulfilled a need, and she was just there. Therefore, she did what anyone would do to the person who had hurt them: She lashed out and tried to make him feel as miserable as she was.
“I care Buffy,” he moved towards her.
“Do you? Do you really William?”
“Yes, I do.”
“If you care so much, then why didn’t you ever call me after the wedding?” Her question stopped him in his tracks. It came out so suddenly, that it stopped her in her tracks as well. Apparently, that had bothered her more than she had realized.
“Or maybe you didn’t start caring until you were inside me. Was that it? Did you start caring for me at the same time you starting coming?” she could see the effect she was having on him, and she could not stop herself.
“Buffy don’t do this, we need to talk about us--”
“There is no us William! There is you and me raising Ella that’s all, nothing else.”
“That’s not true, there is more to us than--”
“What the fighting? The fucking? What is it William? That’s all we seem to do and I for one am sick of it. All of it.”
“It’s not like that Buffy. You have it all wrong. You and Ella are--”
“A convenience. That’s what we are to you isn’t it? You hit the jackpot when Dru and Angel died. You got an instant family that you didn’t have to work for or love.”
“How dare you! When Dru died part of me died as well. I lost my sister; she was the world to me. There is nothing convenient about it.” He was fuming now, and Buffy took little satisfaction in seeing him upset.
“You are not the only one whose life got turned upside down Buffy. You, Ella... I never thought I would have anything like it in my life.”
“Ella, you mean Ella in your life. I am not in your life. I am just convenient like Faith, but I don’t get to go the fancy ball and who knows what else. I get the drunken lectures William, not the dressed up to the nines William.”
“You can come to the dinner tonight if you want,” he tried to reason, trying to calm both himself and her.
“It’s not about the dinner! It’s about everything but the stupid dinner.”
“Then tell me what has got you so upset? Let me make it better, please.”
She could see it in his eyes; she believed that he did want to make it better. Not because he loved her, but because she made his life easier. She wanted more than that; she deserved a hell of a lot more than that. “William, I am not yours to fix.” Tears filled her eyes as she heard the truth in her words. “I am not yours at all.” With that, she walked out of the room.
William went after her, not able to watch her walk away from him. He grabbed her arm, spinning her to him.
“That’s not true. We don’t just have Ella, sex, and fighting. We have more than that.”
“Like what? The fact that we both lost a sibling?” she snapped, pulling her arm back. “Just go William.”
“I wanted you to come with me tonight, dammit, I just forgot! I wanted you to be there with me, I did, I--" he broke off, emotion clogging him. He was horrible at this sort of thing, and he was making it worse!
“To be the trophy on your arm. Just go William. Go!”
Clenching his jaw, he stared down at her. “Fine,” he left, slamming the door behind him as he went.