Later, when the mess was cleaned up from the overturned breakfast tray, and William had returned to his room to shower and get ready for the day, Buffy had sprinted up to visit with Ella in an attempt to put as much distance between her and William as she could. She told herself it was a fluke, remnants of their night together and nothing more. The thing that irked her was that she felt something inside her taking root and growing. Spreading. Spreading like wildfire through her and she knew what that thing was and she did not want it. Not now. It was too much to handle, and besides which, it was not real. It was her clinging to something, anything that would make things better for a little while. It was a human reaction to seek out comfort where comfort was offered. However, it could be argued that William had not exactly doled out comfort readily. He was trying though. They had reached a truce, an understanding of sorts, and what did she do? She soaked it up, like baby oil on flesh in the sun, ready to offer up any kind of contact he offered.
She had to get a grip.
Coming into the nursery, Willow greeted her with a shy smile as she handed Ella a bottle. Ella lay back and sucked hard on it. “Buffy, miss—“
“Oh don’t start with the ‘miss’ crap. Just Buffy,” she told Willow, reaching in the crib and stroking her niece’s curly locks.
“Buffy, I didn’t...that is, I didn’t interrupt anything did I?”
Buffy froze with her heart in her throat. She shook her head vehemently, “No, no, William and I were just talking. Just talking about... stuff.”
“May I be so bold, Buffy?”
Buffy blinked and stared at Willow. “You may be as bold as you wish. Bold it on up.”
Willow giggled slightly, “Buffy, is there something going on with you and Master William?”
Buffy swallowed hard and crossed her arms across her chest, a defense mechanism. “No, what do you – no... What... like what?”
“You know, a romance. Love…” She turned red. Buffy guessed what she was thinking but would not say. “Something.”
“No, he’s just and I’m just...” Letting out a near growling sigh, Buffy plunked down on the plush carpet next to Ella’s crib and gazed longingly at her niece. She had no one to talk to here. She was alone, in every sense of the word. There was William, sure, but they could barely get along for five minutes without arguing about this or that – or trying to make out like hormone-crazed teenagers. Her life was back in the States. Everything that was hers was back in the States. What did she have here? She had Ella and that was it. Moreover, while she wished she could say that was enough, and although it made her feel like a horrible aunt to say it, Ella was not enough to sustain her. She barely knew her! In addition, she could not talk or walk yet. Even if she could do all that, she could not very well unload all her problems with William on the little girl now could she? She also could not make a habit of calling home since it was so expensive, she was not working now, and she refused to rely on William even if it seemed that that was what she was doing.
With that muddling her brain, Buffy burst into tears, turning her head from Ella, not wanting to disturb or upset her. She grabbed some tissues on her way to the rocking chair across the room to cry her heart out... again.
“Buffy, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—“
Buffy waved her off, fearing another ‘miss’ was coming soon. “Don’t apologize. I’m just... so weepy. I hate it. I know it may seem as if I’m flighty and just follow my emotions on a whim, but I’m really not... I’m never like this.”
“You just lost your...” Willow cleared her throat, “It’s understandable.”
“I have no one to talk to, Willow. No one. My brother is-- My friends are across the pond. My job, my life, everything was uprooted and changed. I haven’t even seen anything but this house and the grounds. I haven’t seen the country, done any sightseeing or anything. No wonder I feel so... so... lost. I haven’t got anything here except for Ella. Moreover, I can’t leave her. I won’t do that. It’s not an option for me to go and William won’t go.” She took a deep calming Buddha breath and wiped at her eyes. “I’m a stranger in a strange country and I haven’t got anyone to talk to, to show me around, or to help me. I’m a self-sufficient person, quite independent but here I don’t feel that way at all.”
Willow moved so that she knelt in front of the sobbing mess that was Buffy and handed her more tissues. “Buffy, it’s understandable. It makes complete sense that you feel this way. I know I’m not much, and I’m just the help—“
“Don’t say that!” Buffy exclaimed, “You don’t know what you do, do you? Taking care of my niece, helping me with her, teaching me what I need to know. You’re not ‘just the help’.”
Willow smiled gently, “Thank you, but Buffy, if you like, you can talk to me. I don’t talk with Master William—“
“Please stop calling him that.”
“I will in front of you.”
Buffy smiled through her tears that were now ending. When would they dry up? It seemed like a pipe had sprung a leak within her. “Thank you, Willow.”
“Would you like to accompany me out one night this week? I have a group of friends I could introduce you to. It’d do you some good, Buffy.”
Buffy nodded and felt some light come at the end of her tunnel. “I like that idea a lot. Meet some new people, and just get out of here and see things other than this house and its grounds.”
“Do you think Ma—William will mind if you accompany me?”
“Frankly, I don’t give a damn if he does.”
“So there’s… nothing?”
Buffy smiled now, “No, we’re just… I don’t know how to define it, but there is nothing.”
“Do you find him attractive, Buffy?”
Buffy laughed nervously, “Oh yes, I do. But we’re too different and we’d just make each other miserable.”
“That’s too bad. I’ve often thought that William needs a good woman in his life. Someone the exact opposite of him to liven him up a bit. You’d be perfect.”
“No, I think I’d just drive him to… well, drink.”
William dried his hair as he made his way back to his room. The shower had taken the edge off his hang over but his thoughts were still muddled and it had nothing to do with the scotch.
He sighed as he sat back down on his bed, the softness beckoning him to lie back down. He gave into that easily. The longer he stayed in his room, the less he would have to deal with Buffy. The thought of her alone caused his head to thump a little harder. At least he thought it was his head.
It seemed as though they could not be in the same room together without yelling or kissing or both. If he was being honest with himself, he enjoyed one as much as he enjoyed the other. He never thought he would lead a passionate life. He put those thoughts to bed the day he took over his father’s company. He knew he would marry one day, even fall in love if he was lucky, but not feel the all-consuming pull of one person to another. He barely had time to eat dinner at home, let alone invest time into a relationship.
He was jealous of Angel and Dru’s relationship. Somehow, Angel had found the time to love another passionately and even better have it returned in spades. He looked over at their wedding picture; Dru had given it to him as a thank you present. It had Dru and Angel in the middle with Buffy and himself on each side. He had questioned it when she had given it to him.
“What do I need a picture of Miss Summers for?”
Dru smiled as she took the picture from his hands and placed it on the bedside table.
“Will, she is a part of the family now, just as much as Angel,” he snorted at the thought.
“Hardly, it’s not like she is married to anyone in this family.”
“No, but she only has Angel. Her parents have died. Surely you can reach down in that big black heart of yours and feel a little something for her,” he hurt at her words.
“I have a heart Dru and it’s not all black.”
“I know Will. The sooner you remember that, the easier it will happen.”
“What? What will happen?”
Dru looked back at the picture and back at Will, “Love.”
He was shaken from his thoughts by the sound of Buffy’s voice.
“I have no one to talk to, Willow,” he knew she was not in the room. He looked around his room to find the source of her voice. He lifted up the duvet to find Ella’s baby monitor under his bed. Willow must have dropped it in the earlier commotion. He stared at it as he heard her voice.
“My job, my life, everything was uprooted and changed. I haven’t even seen anything but this house and the grounds. I haven’t seen the country, done any sightseeing or anything. No wonder I feel so... so... lost. I haven’t got anything here except for Ella. Moreover, I can’t leave her. I won’t do that. It’s not an option for me to go and William won’t go.”
He was such a git. All this time had passed and he had been so caught up in his own grief and confusion he had not even spared a thought for Buffy and what she had given up to be here.
He looked back at the photo of the four of them. His family, what would Dru say to him. He winced as he followed that thought through to its natural conclusion. She would not be happy. Buffy had picked up and moved here without a second thought and what had he given her in return besides a hard time. She was family, her, Ella and himself. They were the only link each of them had to their past and they need each other in order to have some kind of future.
“I’m a stranger in a strange country and I haven’t got anyone to talk to, to show me around, or to help me. I’m a self-sufficient person, quite independent but here I don’t feel that way at all.”
He clicked the monitor off having heard enough.
He had taken the part of her he admired most and he had not even realized it. He was too busy wanting to prove her wrong that he had not even stopped to listen to her. She needed a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to her and what did he offered her. A quick tumble in the sheets followed by a healthy dose of denial.
He had really messed things up. He just hoped he was not too late to fix.