Buffy stepped out of her English class and started down the hallway towards Spike’s office. She was still angry with him about the previous night, but she knew she had to see him. She wanted to know what he was thinking and feeling, but didn’t know if she had the courage to ask him. If she wasn’t ready to admit the feelings she had for him, would she be able to hear what he had to say?
As she entered the stairwell, Buffy spotted a familiar blonde head coming up the stairs. Spike looked up at the sound of her heels clicking on the steps.
“Hey,” she greeted him awkwardly.
Spike continued up the stairs until he was on the step below her. “I thought you had class now?”
“I got out a little early. I was coming to see you.”
He tilted his head to the side and smiled at her. “And I was on my way to catch you coming out of class,” he admitted. An uncomfortable silence passed between them, tension hanging in the air. They had unconsciously drifted closer together, guiltily jumping apart when a student entered the stairwell, racing past the couple undoubtedly late for class. Although the student probably hadn’t taken the time to notice the awkward vibes coming from the professor and student in the stairwell, they agreed that their location wasn’t the best for what they needed to discuss.
As soon as they were in his office, Spike closed the door and took a seat next to Buffy in the chairs reserved for guests. Before Buffy could think of where to begin, Spike blurted out, “What are we doing?”
Buffy blinked. “What?”
Spike stood, pacing in front of her. He was already frustrated after spending all night and morning thinking about what had transpired between them the night before. “What are we doing? Having sex?” He paused, not waiting for an answer. “Yes, I know that much. But the question is, why?”
Buffy couldn’t look at him. She sensed that he had stopped and was now looking at her, but she couldn’t bring herself to look up. She was terrified that he had figured out her motivations.
Spike sighed when he realized he wasn’t getting an answer from her. “What I mean is, I don’t quite understand why you are with me and still with Angel. I know you’ve got to feel this thing that’s between us.”
“I do,” Buffy responded quietly. “But it’s not that simple.”
“Isn’t it? You either want to be with him or you don’t.”
“I haven’t been with him in weeks, Spike!”
“Bollocks!” He sat back down in the chair next to her. “Last night I followed you back to your sorority house and waited over an hour for him to leave so we could talk.” He looked at her pointedly. “He never came out.”
Buffy stared at him quizzically. “Spike, I swear the minute we got back to the room I told him I was tired and that he should leave. It wasn’t even ten minutes before he left my room!”
Spike ran a hand through his hair in frustration. He wanted to believe her, but there was no way he’d missed Angel leaving her sorority house. Deciding it really didn’t matter, he took her hand in his. “I’m at a loss, Buffy. I don’t know what to do or what you want from me.”
“I don’t know either.” It was only partially a lie. Buffy couldn’t have been more confused than she was at that moment. The only thing that was clear was that she had a lot of thinking to do.
Spike leaned in and captured her mouth in a sweet kiss. “I do know that I don’t have the strength to walk away from you. Even if that makes me a damn fool.”
The entire walk back to her sorority house, Buffy felt like she was on the verge of tears. She had no idea what to do about the colossally fucked up situation she was now in. Not that it wasn’t her fault, because it was. She couldn’t even blame Angel because he had never intended for her to develop feelings for Spike.
“Buffy?”
She looked up to see Willow standing in her room. She had been so absorbed in her thoughts that she hadn’t even realized she was back in her room, sitting on her bed staring off into space.
Willow came to sit down beside her, noticing how unhappy her friend looked. “Buffy, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” she lied. How could she open up to Willow without telling her everything? She couldn’t even imagine what Willow would think of her if she knew that Buffy had conspired against Spike with Angel.
“It doesn’t look like nothing,” Willow replied, placing a hand over Buffy’s. “Buffy, I’m your best friend. You know you can tell me anything.”
Buffy looked at her friend. She took a deep breath before nodding. “I know, it’s just-“
“Is this about Professor Thompson?” Buffy nodded. “Is he pressuring you to do something?” Willow asked suspiciously.
“No!” Buffy exclaimed immediately, shaking her head. “Nothing like that.” She sighed, preparing herself to tell Willow everything. She explained how Angel had formulated the plan and that she was now keeping her relationship with Spike a secret from Angel. “If Angel finds out, he’ll report Spike and I can’t let that happen.”
“Do you-, Buffy, do you love him?”
“I thought I did. I thought Angel was everything I wanted-“
Willow cut her off. “I meant Spike. Do you love him?”
Buffy could only nod, not ready to admit her feelings aloud. “But how is that possible? I barely know him! And I’m lying to him. I was using him to help Angel, not giving a shit that he would lose his job in the process!” She looked away from her friend, ashamed of herself.
“I’m not saying what you did was right, because it wasn’t,” Willow started. “But you were a misguided girl in love trying to help her boyfriend.” She paused before continuing. “Buffy, why are you still with Angel if you love Spike?”
“Because I’m afraid of what will happen to Spike if I end things with Angel. And because I wasn’t ready to admit what was really going on between me and Spike,” she admitted. “I don’t love Angel anymore and I haven’t for a while now. He was just so safe and our future was so solid.”
“Safe and solid isn’t exactly a recipe for great love,” Willow told her. “If things are as serious with Spike as they seem to be, you need to end it with Angel.”
Buffy covered her face with her hands. “How am I ever going to tell Spike about this? He’ll think I’m a monster!”
“If he loves you enough, he’ll forgive you,” Willow assured her, trying to believe what she was telling her friend.
Buffy was summoning all the courage she had on the walk to Angel’s dorm. She knew she was doing the right thing, but she was terrified that Angel would see through her and find out about her and Spike. If he figured it out, he would stop at nothing to destroy Spike’s life. She could care less what Angel did to her. Getting kicked out of college wouldn’t be the worst thing. She’d deal. But Spike’s job was his whole life and she’d never be able to forgive herself if he lost that.
Buffy took a deep breath once she was outside of his door and knocked loudly. There was no going back now. Angel opened the door, greeting her with a big smile and a kiss. “We need to talk.”
Angel ushered her inside, trying to pull his girlfriend into his arms. Buffy quickly disentangled herself from his embrace, reminding herself why she was there. “I’m serious, Angel. We need to talk.” She took a seat in his desk chair and motioned for him to sit on his messy bed.
“Ohhhhkay,” Angel replied, not liking the direction he saw this going, but he sat down anyway. “What’s up, Buff?”
Buffy proceeded to give him the speech she’d been preparing in her head ever since she’d spoken to Willow. They had drifted apart; she didn’t want the same thing he did anymore; and most importantly she wasn’t in love with him anymore.
Angel listened quietly, anger welling up inside of him. She was breaking up with him? “You don’t love me anymore?” he asked, as if he couldn’t believe it was the truth.
Buffy shook her head, looking at him seriously. “I’m sorry, but no I don’t.”
“Does this have something to do with Professor Thompson?”
“No!” Buffy responded quickly, maybe too quickly. “It has nothing to do with anyone except us. Maybe the plan with Professor Thompson brought some things to light for me, but it certainly isn’t the only thing.” She paused, gathering herself. “It’s over, Angel.”
Angel shook his head. “You think I’m going to give up that easily? You know me better than that.”
“I do,” she agreed. “But I know me well enough to tell you that whatever you do, it’s not going to work.” Buffy stood from her chair. “I’m sorry, Angel.” She gave him one last look before turning and walking out of the room.