Reluctantly, Buffy left Spike’s office, feeling like she’d been punched in the gut. She was filled with such self-loathing. How could she have let things get so out of hand? Over the last few weeks, every fiber in her body had been screaming at her to tell Spike the truth. But, she had chickened out at every opportunity and now everything had blown up in her face.
Buffy had never hated anyone more than she hated Angel right now. Sure, he had always been self-centered and kind of a jerk, but she had no idea he was capable of this level of destruction. The monster that had been in Spike’s office was not the Angel she thought she knew.
As if he could hear her thoughts, Angel suddenly appeared before her. “How much fun was that?”
Buffy couldn’t hold back the urge to slap the grin off his face. Angel seemed momentarily taken back by her uncharacteristic use of violence, but recovered quickly. He had the nerve to laugh at her. “Did you really think I’d just let you go? Just let the two of you get away with making me look like an idiot?”
“You don’t need anyone’s help to look like an idiot, Angel.” Angel turned to walk away from her, but she grabbed his arm, stopping him. “What do you want? I’ll do whatever you want, just don’t get Spike in trouble,” she pleaded.
Angel shook her hand off his arm. “I already got exactly what I wanted,” he told her cruelly. “I get to keep my perfect GPA and relish in the fact that Spike will never forgive you.”
Buffy’s face fell at the harsh truth of his words. “Don’t look so glum, Buff. I’m sure you’ll do just fine on your own.” His voice was dripping with sarcasm.
Buffy glared at Angel’s retreating back as he stepped into the sunlight, exiting the building. She was at a complete loss. What the hell was she going to do now? How could she fix things with Spike? Was it even fixable? She had to admit, she had no idea where to go from here.
Making her way out of the building, Buffy whipped on her sunglasses, shielding her eyes from the harsh sunlight. She was supposed to be on her way home the next day after classes. The last thing she wanted was to leave with things on such bad terms with Spike, but she didn’t seem to have any other choice. Her parents were expecting her and she doubted that Spike would want to see her any time soon. She let out a defeated sigh. She needed to clear her mind before doing anything else.
It had been absolute torture for Spike to get through his remaining afternoon classes. He had trouble concentrating, and knew he wasn’t fooling his students. After Buffy had left his office, Spike had felt sick to his stomach. He barely made it to the restroom before vomiting. Angel’s actions hardly surprised him, but how could Buffy do that to him? He should have known better, been more suspicious of how strongly she had come on to him.
As soon as Spike had dismissed his last class of the day, he went home and packed up his car. He headed straight for the beach, intent on losing himself in the waves. It had been months since Spike had been surfing. The water got cold this time of year, but he knew the real reason was that Buffy had been consuming a lot of his free time.
Parking away from other cars, Spike got in the back of his SUV and changed into his wetsuit. He had started surfing after living in California for five years. Being from England, the beach never interested him much, but a friend of Dru’s had suggested he try surfing. Said if he was going to live in California, so close to the Pacific, he needed to learn.
Spike found that he was something of a natural. When he was on his board, he could get lost in the feeling of the ocean all around him. Whenever he had a fight with Dru or was stressed about his life, he would come down to the beach and forget about it for a while. When Dru had died, Spike had been beside himself. Surfing had helped him through that dark period in his life. During the year he’d taken off from teaching, Spike had spent hours every day working through the pain and frustration of losing her, letting the waves be a temporary distraction from his grief.
Spike headed down to the water, not hesitating before running into the cold water. The waves weren’t particularly big that day, but they were good enough. As hard as he tried to forget, his thoughts constantly returned to Buffy. He had never felt as close to anyone as he had to her. How could it all have been a lie? The look in her eyes as she left his office had him turned inside out. She had looked so distraught; was it just because she’d been caught? Or was there something more?
He was going to drive himself crazy thinking like that. Buffy had deceived him. She had been part of a plan to get him fired. He shouldn’t give a shit about her feelings. So why did he?
He didn’t. All Spike cared about right now was catching the next wave.
Buffy didn’t get any sleep on Monday night. She had completely forgotten about the sorority’s annual Thanksgiving dinner, and her friends wouldn’t let her back out. Besides, she was really hoping it would get her mind off everything else. During dinner, she had tried to focus on the conversations around her, but she mostly found her thoughts drifting back to Spike. She had to find a way to explain everything to him.
After dinner, Willow asked Buffy to go for a walk to the coffee shop. Buffy jumped at the chance to talk to her best friend alone about what had happened that afternoon. Willow had listened sympathetically. She told Buffy that Spike might come around after some time apart, but even if he didn’t Buffy would be all right. Willow had called her a ‘survivor’. Buffy didn’t feel very much like a survivor at the moment.
When she got back to her room, Buffy attempted to go through her nightly rituals. She brushed her teeth, cleaned her face, put on pajamas and got into bed. The television was left on in the background, but she wasn’t paying any attention to it. Spike consumed her every thought as she considered what she would do next to try and repair what was now broken.
Around midnight, Buffy decided her best bet was to write him a letter. She doubted that he would want to speak to her in person, and she didn’t want to put it off until after break. Five drafts and two hours later she was finished. The letter wasn’t very long, but it didn’t need to be. Now if she could just get a couple hours of sleep, she could sneak into Spike’s office before he got there and leave it for him.
Buffy managed to get some sleep, but in her anxious state, she was up every hour until finally it was seven. She quickly showered and got ready for the day, wanting to be at Spike’s office before 8:30, when he normally arrived on Tuesdays. Even in her hurry, she found herself running late and was out of breath by the time she got to his office. The door was closed, so she quietly turned the knob, letting herself in.
Buffy stopped like a deer in headlights when she saw Spike sitting behind his desk. He wasn’t wearing the same clothes as the day before, but the clothes he was wearing were rumpled-a big difference from his usual crisp, clean suit.
“What are you doing here?” they asked in unison, breaking the silence.
“I…uh…I didn’t think you would be here so early,” Buffy admitted sheepishly. She didn’t dare hope that Spike looked so bad because he missed her. He was probably just still angry…
“Well, excuse me for being in my own office. Wasn’t exactly getting much sleep at home.”
Definitely angry. “I didn’t come here to fight-“
“Then why did you?” he interrupted. “I thought I asked you not to come back.”
Buffy was at a loss for words as she stared into Spike’s cold eyes. They made her almost forget why she was there. “Oh, I came to drop off a letter. I’m going home after classes today…I just wanted to drop it off. I didn’t know you would be here.” She dropped the envelope in front of him on his desk. “Sorry to bother you,” she said quietly, quickly turning on her heel and rushing out of the room.
It took everything Spike had not to call her back. He was absolutely furious with her, but at the same time it killed him to see her so obviously hurting. Quit acting like such a ponce, he chided himself. He knew he should tear up the letter and just forget about her, but another part of him wanted to know what excuses she thought could make this go away.
Spike carefully opened the envelope. He took a deep breath before reading the words.
Spike,
There are no words to describe how sorry I am for what I’ve done. I know there’s no excuse for it, but I think we both know that I was a different person when I agreed to help Angel. You have made me see so many things differently, and I am so grateful for it. You are the best person I know, so much better than me, and you didn’t deserve any of this. You said I don’t know the meaning of the word love. Well, I do. I know it because you have taught me how to love. Even if you never forgive me, you have to know that it was real. It was real for me from the very beginning.
I never meant for any of this to happen. I never meant to hurt you like I did.
I love you.
Buffy