Buffy hadn’t had slept very well at all, Katie had kept her up another hour, having woken up she wanted to play and Buffy, who was feeling guilty about what had happened downstairs, had played and sang to the little blonde until Katie was too tired to keep her eyes open. She was going to start to talk soon Buffy thought looking at her daughter; Angel’s going to miss it. How long is he going to be gone, what else is he going to miss, her first steps, her first birthday, her first day at school? How long is this going to go on? It’s not fair, Katie needs her father.
But did she? She asked herself as she got ready for bed, she was living with her grandfather and uncle, both of whom already spoiled her rotten, treated her like a little princess. Would Katie even want her father when he came back? Or would Spike have stolen that position? He’d seemed pretty intent on stealing her from Angel when they where downstairs, but then, some of that was her fault. It was strange, he was loud, cocky and everything that had always irritated her about the men she had dated, but she genuinely liked Spike and it didn’t help that he was so much like Angel, not physically, and it wasn’t anything she would be able to explain, but they had the same sense of purpose and sadness about them.
Buffy was sure she was being punished when Katie woke her up an hour before normal for her feed. The throbbing in her head and her stomach seemed to be in time with each other and Buffy a hand to her mouth, flew out of her room, into the bathroom and vomited bile into the toilet.
Giles, met her once she was finished, Katie in his arms, “Are you okay?” he asked, looking concerned.
“I’m fine, Giles, too much to drink last night. Don’t know my limits anymore, I haven’t drank since this little one was born.” She answered poking Katie gently in her belly. “Did we wake you? I’m sorry, I’ll go feed her” She reached out to take her daughter, but Giles stopped her.
“I’ll feed her,” he said, “you go clean yourself up and I’ll meet you downstairs”
“You are the best” Buffy responded gratefully, “I don’t know what I’d do without you”
“I’m sure you’d manage” Giles muttered to her departing figure, he wondered if she knew what she was doing, all he knew was that one of his sons was going to get hurt. He just didn’t know which one, they where old enough now to make their own choices, but they always had, had the same taste in women, he supposed he really shouldn’t be surprised…
******************************************************************************
After Buffy had showered and brushed her teeth, she felt a little better, until she remembered what had happened last night and then she was nearly sick again. As she leaned over the basin, splashing cool water on her suddenly hot face, she took a deep breath and knew she had to get out of the house by the time he was up. Why was she so stupid? God, she told herself, you are a married woman, with a child. Think of Katie. She needed time though, time to think and to deal with her feelings, she needed to get out of here.
With that in mind, she dressed and told Giles, that she was going to take Katie to visit Anya and Tara and the magic shop that day, as they had expressed a desire to meet the little one.
Given that it was six in the morning, Buffy couldn’t leave for a while and she was so antsy that by nine o’clock, she had done all the washing, and any the other quiet jobs she think to do. She was paranoid about waking Spike, there was no way she could deal with that this morning, she bundled Katie into her push chair and after saying a quick goodbye to Giles she walked out the house.
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Spike had a terrible night’s sleep, after his encounter with Buffy he ran the scenario over and over in his mind throughout the night, not really coming up with any answers. It would have been alright, he convinced himself if the demented female hadn’t started kissing him back! But she had. Why had she? Why did he kiss her? Well, she had been standing there all adorable with her bottom lip pouting and he lost all control, he tried to defend himself. But no, much as she’s one beautiful woman and a darling, she was married, I shouldn’t have kissed her, and she was lashed, he had taken advantage of her. But then why did she kiss him back?
She needed to decide what she wanted first. He didn’t think that it was a problem that she was Angel’s wife, he hadn’t seen his brother in so long and there wasn’t really a relationship to damage. Don’t quite think da’ll see it that way, though he thought with a chuckle, he really didn’t want to upset Giles, they had only just started to get to know each other properly and he didn’t want to ruin that relationship. Right then, he thought, forget her, go out, get laid and you’ll feel better tomorrow.
It did occur to Spike that Buffy may not remember last night, given her drunken state, he wavered between hoping that she had forgotten and his male pride that was insisting that the kiss had been unforgettable.
It was an hour later that a still tired Spike wandered into the kitchen in search of coffee and found a mug steaming and waiting for him along with his father.
“Sit down, Spike.” Giles said, his tone firm, “We need to talk”
Spike, gratefully grasped the warm cup, feeling nervous, Giles’ tone brought back memories of lectures from his teenage years. He sat.
“I hope you know what you’re doing” Giles started, “She’s been hurt, but there is every chance that she will go back to him. You know that don’t you?”
“Da, what are you..”
“Don’t play dumb with me, I’m your father remember. What I want to know is why you don’t care that she’s your brother’s wife” Giles snapped, “it’s not done Spike, you know better than this!”
“I know! God don’t you think I know that!” Spike exploded, “I’m not doing it on purpose, this isn’t about Angel at all. And yes, I’m sure she will get back with the wanker, but…” he stopped, not knowing what else to say, “It’s just that she’s so.. I’ve got a date tonight, I haven’t had a proper date since the divorce. I don’t know, I just..”
“Okay” Giles responded, eyeing his son carefully, “Be careful and I’ll stay out of it, just be ready because Angel will be coming home. He needs to and you need to be ready to let her go.”
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Buffy wandered a little before going to the Magic Shop, spending some of Angel’s money, well, he had told her to take what she needed and she really needed new shoes, especially when she was feeling so up in the air. She would have to start earning her own money if she decided she wasn’t going back to Angel, that was another thing she worried about, she had always been independent, but now she had Katie, she would need to find a job that paid enough for her to get childcare and earn enough to live and that was going to be a problem. But, she thought eyeing a third pair of shoes, that was a problem for another day. Today’s problem was, how the hell she was going to be able to face Spike again, but that said, she wanted to. She was sick, she decided, crazy, she was embarrassed to see him again, but when she thought about never seeing him again, her heart hurt.
When she finally made it to the Magic Shop, it was nearly lunchtime and Katie was hungry.
“Please tell me you have a microwave” Buffy said to Anya as she approached the till, “I need to warm her bottle and she can get very noisy if she’s not fed!”
Anya smiled, “Out back, go through Tara’s out there doing paperwork, don’t let the little terror drive off any potential customers!” She waved towards a door hidden by a purple curtain and Buffy laughing pushed, Katie through.
Buffy made small talk with Tara, who had taken hold of Katie, whilst she heated the bottle and got a bib out. Buffy sat Katie on her lap and started to feed her, “Thanks for this, you wouldn’t believe how hard it is to get some places to heat a bottle without exploding it!”
Tara laughed, but her voice was serious when she said, “Buffy, you haven’t known me long and so if I’m out of line please tell me, but you aren’t happy. It helps to talk about it, if you’re ready…”
Hearing the obvious concern in Tara’s voice, Buffy started to cry, tears she couldn’t control slid silently down her face as she spoke, “I left Angel, my husband. He… he hit me.” She stopped, busying herself with winding her baby, Tara sat quietly waiting. “I swore that I wouldn’t take that, wouldn’t accept it, no matter the circumstances, but… Angel, he… I’m just so angry with him.
Buffy talked until she was hoarse, explaining to Tara exactly what she knew about Angel’s ordeal, her marriage, how she had felt so alone and how she had wanted to kill Angel for hitting her. About Angel’s letter, what he had said, how angry she was he was pushing her out. She had cried all the tears she had and took the glass of water Tara handed her gratefully,
“I’m really sorry, I just unloaded all my emotional shit right on top of you” Buffy said, taking a sip of the water.
“It’s okay,” Tara replied, “It’s what I’m here for, do you feel better? Sometimes you need to unload on someone who won’t judge you”
“I do feel better about Angel, I can’t solve that problem right now and I have some decisions to make, but he’s asked me to give him time, not contact him. What am I supposed to do?”
“What do you want to do?”
“I want to say fuck it and fuck him and if it wasn’t for Katie, I probably already would have, but…”
“So that’s it then, there’s no going back for you, you can’t forgive him? Do you still love him?”
“I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving him, but he’s not the same man that I married, that I feel in love with, but it’s not his fault! How can I punish him? After what he’s been through?” Buffy turned and placed her sleeping daughter into the push chair her face anguished.
“Should you punish yourself then?” Tara asked, “isn’t that what you would be doing if you went back feeling the way you do?”
“I deserve to be punished!” Buffy exclaimed, “I’m confused and that’s okay, I left him and that’s okay, but I kissed Spike!” She slapped a hand over her mouth in shock.
“Well now” Tara said with a concerned look on her face, “That is a whole new problem”
“Yes, one I really shouldn’t be bothering you with, I’m sorry this visit really wasn’t what I planned” Buffy was appalled at the information she had given the young woman, she trusted Tara, she didn’t know why, but she did. But she had already imposed too much.
“Please,” Tara said, looking upset, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to push, please stay a while”
“It’s not your fault, you didn’t ask me to dump on you… Well actually, I think you did, but that’s not the point. I shouldn’t have taken up so much of your time, I…I’ll see you soon, okay, Bye”
Buffy rushed out of the shop, throwing a very brief goodbye to Anya as she ran for the exit.
“That girl has serious issues” Anya said to Tara as she walked from the backroom.
“You have no idea” Tara responded, with a sad smile. She had a feeling that this was going to take a very long time.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Another chapter for you guys, please let me know what you think. We have a long way to go yet.