Chapter Five
Buffy, though, didn’t blame Spike, in fact she felt quite indebted to him. Things had changed a lot between them ever since that night in her bathroom. She still was not sure if him getting his soul for her—or for any other reason—would change things for her, but she also knew that she couldn’t’ say it wouldn’t.
Angel had been so glad to get rid of his soul that she hadn’t ever imagined that Spike would willingly get one. And now that the idea had been presented…her whole ‘vampires are evil’, ‘souls are good’ world had been turned on its end. If Spike could be good, truly good—which hadn’t he proven that to her already?—without a soul, why couldn’t Angel? And what did that mean about Spike and his feelings for her compared to Angel and his.
And what did that mean about her feelings for the both of them?
‘Excellent questions all,’ she thought. ‘The problem isn’t the questions,’ she knew, ‘It’s the answers—or lack thereof that are the problem.’
Maybe if Spike did get his soul then she would be able to stop telling herself that he wasn’t as good as Angel because Angel had his soul…most of the time at least.
But then…Buffy sat down heavily on her bed as she came to a startling conclusion.
“Spike!” she yelled as loudly as she could, uncaring of the other people currently inhabiting the house.
It wasn’t even fifteen seconds later when she heard Spike’s boot covered feet thumping up the stairs heavily.
“You alright, Slayer?” he asked as he appeared in her doorway, drawing in deep, ragged, unneeded breaths of air.
“I’m fine…I just, uh….You’re better than Angel,” she hadn’t looked at him as she said any of it and sounded almost like she was in a daze.
“Buffy?” Spike asked, sounding concerned. He walked towards her slowly, hoping that nothing bad had happened. He didn’t think he could stand to fail her again. “Are you okay, luv?”
“I was just thinking,” she began, looking at him a little bit. “Can you sit down maybe?” she asked.
”Of course, pet,” Spike gingerly sat down a few inches away from her, surprised when she turned sideways so she was looking right at him.
“I was thinking about what you said—about getting your soul,” Spike had never heard her sound this serious before, except for maybe when they’d been talking about Glory and the bit. “I was trying to figure out if it’d change things if you got it…your soul. But…I can’t tell that it would because, see, I know that with or without it, you’re still you. You’re still Spike—William.
“And then I started wondering why it was Angel was always so glad to get rid of his soul and he was cursed with it while you’re willing to try to get it.”
“Not to ‘try’, Buffy,” he corrected her. “When I go, I’m getting it.”
“Okay, so you’re willing to get it…but why isn’t Angel? There have to be ways to get a permanent soul. Angel’s had his for like a hundred years or whatever, right? So why hasn’t he tried to?
And that’s what I realized; he’s never tried because he doesn’t want it. He doesn’t want it to be permanent, he likes the possibility of losing it and being evil again for a while. It keeps him from ever being truly caged in.
But with you…with Angel there’s Angel and there’s Angelus. Angelus could never be good…he doesn’t have the willpower or the control…or the plain desire. But Spike…you’re as good as Angel, if not better….I mean he didn’t take care of Dawn like you did and he isn’t here for it all like you are…You’re that good without a soul. Take away Angel’s soul and he’s just a ruthless monster again.
Angel’s good because of his soul, a soul he never chose to have.
You’re good, Spike, William, because you’re a good man…because you want to be.
And I think that’s why I’ve been so hard on you…it hurt that without your soul you could love me and take care of me and my family and my friends and…and that Angel couldn’t. If we—Dawn and the rest of them—are going to hold you up to Angel…well we can’t be comparing you to Angel, can we? We’d have to compare you to Angelus if we want to be fair…
If we did that…well, then…
Whether he’s Liam or Angel or Angelus, you, Spike, are a better man. And I think I’ve finally realized that. You’ve done so much without your soul that Angel wouldn’t even with his.
It’s not a soul that makes you a good man or not…it’s just you.”
“It’s because of you, pet,” Spike tried to reason.
“Not completely it’s not. Even with Dru…you’re a good person, William. Always have been and always will be. Whether or not you have a soul will always be just a side note…The only difference it’ll make is what prophecies apply to you.”
“Like the Shanshu.” Buffy just looked at him questioningly so he filled her in quickly on what he knew, “Says that the vampire with a soul who plays a major role in saving the world will be rewarded with his humanity…or something similar.”
”Then I guess it’s up to you. Nothing’s going to change for me. Not after now.”
“And what exactly….where…what do we have now, Buffy?” Spike had learned a while ago that sometimes it was necessary to push the Slayer a little.
“I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you,” Buffy admitted quietly.
“Thought you couldn’t trust me to love me,” he was mentally kicking himself as soon as the words had left his mouth.
“And I thought I didn’t have to trust you to love you?”
It was what he said so there was no way that he could tell her that hearing she didn’t trust him hurt.
“You don’t, luv, you don’t.”
“But I do,” Buffy said lightly, surprising him. “I was just being stupid—you were right, I wasn’t letting myself love you. And not trusting you? That was just…I’d say it was stupid but really I was just hurt that you’d slept with Anya and….But we weren’t together, so…
I’m never going to like that you had sex with her…and I’m never going to forget it…but I think I can move past it.”
“So you…” Spike prompted, needing to hear her say it.
“I trust you, Spike,” she knew it wasn’t what he wanted to hear—at least not most—but she couldn’t resist teasing him just a little.
“And?” he pushed.
“And I love you, Spike.”
*~*~*~*
Okay, now James knew that the show got pretty porntastic during that sixth season, but…he sincerely hoped that this was just some…thing’s way of showing him what had happened and that this hadn’t actually been shown on television. As it was, he couldn’t even watch it…it was too much like watching himself have sex with Sarah and….and yeah, he really needed to turn the TV off already.
When he realized that the camera was not going to cut away, James jumped up and shut off the TV…and went to take a very cold shower.
*~*~*~*
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
just a few more chapters to go......please review :)