Having said that, you guys totally rock! O.M.G, I can’t believe the reaction my little story has received. You guys just keep blowing me away. Thank you SO much!!! ***big hugz***
Willow blinked at her, dumbfounded. “Okay…what?”
A low moan tumbled through her lips. Buffy buried her head under her pillow and whimpered pitifully. “I think I might be.”
“Why?”
“I’ve been moody as hell.”
“Well, I think you have reason enough for that!”
“I’ve been dismissive of Angel, and I can’t stop thinking about Spike.” She paused. “And when I say dismissive, I mean Frosty the Snow Bitch. Every time he opens his yap around me, I want to hit him on the head with large objects.”
“Yeah, but I’m that way around Xander and I don’t think that makes me pregnant.”
“No, that makes you silly for attempting a delusting spell without taking the proper precautions. I, on the other hand…”
Willow shook her head fiercely. “Buffy, no. It’s not possible. Spike’s a vampire. There’s no way he could get you pregnant.” She quieted for a second in thought. “Have you missed your period?”
“No. I had just ended it when…when it happened. Doesn’t that mean it’s more likely?”
She shrugged helplessly. “Don’t look at me. It’s not like I’m Ms. Experience when it comes to pregnancy…or sex, for that matter. But I do know that he can’t get you pregnant. It’s just not possible.”
“What if there’s some wonky prophecy? What if that’s the reason this happened? The Slayer needs to produce offspring?” Buffy shook her head furiously. “I can’t do this. I don’t want to be a mother. I don’t even like kids.” She worried her lip between her teeth. “Is there a Planned Parenthood in Sunnydale?”
Willow just blinked incredulously. “Okay. Calm down and stop with the gun-jumping. I seriously think you’re wigging for no reason. Giles would tell you about any prophecy that could be interpreted as carting a baby around. Besides, other than being moody, you’re pretty much without any symptoms. I mean, you haven’t had morning sickness or anything, have you?”
“No. How soon do you start getting morning sickness?”
The redhead offered another helpless shrug. “Again with the inexperience that is me. My cousin got it pretty soon, but I’m not sure if that’s normal or if it’s just because she’s weird and lived on the Hellmouth for twelve years before moving away and getting all knocked up. How long has it been since Spike—”
“Two weeks.” And one week since the melty kissage at the Bronze. The ache that had subsided the second that he walked back into her life had returned with a vengeance. If possible, she missed him even more now than she had before. “Two weeks is probably too soon to get morning sickness.”
Willow shook her head in confusion. “I dunno.”
“God, I’m gonna be a horrible mother. I don’t even know when I should be getting morning sickness!”
“No, you’re not gonna be a horrible mother,” the redhead argued sternly. “I do know that…mostly because there’s no way you’re pregnant. Buffy, you went through something horrific! You can’t expect to just be happy fun girl in two very short weeks…especially with random Spike stalkage.”
Buffy frowned. “Stalkage? He was only at the Bronze that one time.”
“Yeah, and I think that’s what threw you off.”
She laughed shortly. “Believe me, I was all thrown before he decided to show up. And then throw in the kiss—”
It was funny to watch Willow nearly trip, especially since she was standing upright. “He kissed you?”
“Yeah, kinda.”
“Kinda?”
“In that he kissed me and the Earth kinda moved.”
“You didn’t tell me there was kissage!”
Buffy balked in surprise. “You didn’t ask!”
“Well, I didn’t think to ask. Besides, we were kinda in a public place with Xander, who was already pulling a massive wig over your zombie-like behavior—”
“There was absolutely nothing zombie-esque about me!”
Willow’s eyes narrowed. “Buffy, Spike asked you to go outside and you were all robot-girl when you replied. You followed him out there like he had some sort of…what do you call it…thrall on you.”
“I don’t think Spike knows how to thrall.”
“Yeah, well, the jury’s still out on that one for me. You should’ve seen him.”
“Kinda did. I was there, remember?”
“That doesn’t count—you were zombie girl. Besides, I wasn’t talking about Spike. I mean Xander with the massive wig.” Willow trailed off and shook her head. “But that’s not…okay. We’re getting off topic. Kissage?”
“Yes. He kissed me. It was…” Amazing. “It…it doesn’t matter. Eyes on the crisis.”
“There is no crisis.”
“I could be with child!”
Willow rolled her eyes and marched intently to the bed. “All right, fine,” she said, holding out a hand. “Let’s go.”
Buffy’s nose wrinkled. “Huh?”
“Let’s go.”
“Where are we going?”
“To the pharmacy to get you a home pregnancy test,” the redhead replied. “You’re obviously not gonna shut up until we bury this crack theory of yours. I’m telling you, Giles would know if there was some wiggy prophecy of a vamp who sleeps with the Slayer under the influence of buckets of alcohol.”
“Is two weeks enough?”
“Yes.”
Buffy paused. “You know that but not when morning sickness occurs or any of the other stuff I just wracked my brain over?”
“We just got to this unit in health class. I think Coach Jenkins wants to make sure that none of us are actually pregnant before she goes off on how stupid it is to have unprotected sex.” Willow shrugged. “She basically told all the girls to go out and get tested.”
“And you’re just mentioning this now?”
“Hey! I’m the blushing virgin, here. Why would I need a pregnancy test?”
Buffy’s shoulders slumped and she pouted miserably. “Immaculate conception?”
“I’m Jewish.”
“So was the Virgin Mary.”
“Yeah, well don’t tell the Catholics.” Willow shook her head. “Coach Jenkins said that you should be able to get an accurate reading within the first six to eight days of conception with a pregnancy test. You didn’t have sex with Spike in the alley at the Bronze, did you?”
She blinked stupidly. “What? Of course not!”
“Well, I wouldn’t have asked if you hadn’t mentioned the kissage.” Willow crossed her arms, her eyes narrowing. She looked every part the stern mother. “So, come on. Let’s go get this done, okay?”
Buffy held her eyes for a long minute, then nodded and climbed wearily to her feet.
If she wanted to be entirely honest with herself, she’d have to concede that Willow was right. Despite the nagging fear that she might be pregnant, it was more a front to bury her concerns about what might actually be wrong with her. Her body was aching, and the hurt grew worse every day. On top of that, her mood was constantly on the fritz. She didn’t let anyone male-shaped touch her. She even got testy with Giles.
None of that spelled pregnancy, but she was out of theories. And even if she knew that the likelihood was practically nonexistent, her nerves would not be satisfied until she had crossed that possibility off the list.
Willow didn’t want to admit it, but she was nervous. Very nervous. The second they’d returned from the pharmacy, Buffy had bolted upstairs and shut herself into the main bathroom, leaving the redhead downstairs and alone with her thoughts.
When there was no one to argue, her own certainty of Buffy’s non-pregnancy began to waver. Not much, but some. Enough to give her a definitive case of the wiggins. After all, on the Hellmouth, there could be no certainties. True, they knew that vampires were incapable of reproducing, but who was to say that there couldn’t be a prophetic loophole?
Besides, if she wanted to be completely honest with herself, Buffy had been acting a little strange. Well, okay, a lot strange. Very, very strange. And though Willow had dismissed her behavior as post-Spike-sex weirdness, the more she thought about Buffy’s insane theory, the more credence she had to give it.
And what would happen if it was true? What if Buffy was pregnant? God, Willow had absolutely no experience with this whatsoever. Even when her cousin got herself knocked up, she hadn’t been around for the nine months leading up to her the birth. Heck, she’d only seen the kid twice.
She needed to talk with someone who wasn’t so much a virgin to get another opinion. A female someone. And unfortunately, the only someone that fit that description that Willow could begin to trust was Cordelia.
“I must be out of my mind,” she grumbled, reaching for the phone. “There’s no way she is.”
But if she was, Willow needed to be prepared. She needed to know what to tell her; needed to be there to remind her that there were options if the test was positive. Not exactly glamorous options, granted, but options nonetheless.
Mostly, if Buffy was pregnant, Willow couldn’t be the sole shoulder to cry on. This was a situation that required many, many shoulders. And Cordy was the only option; it’d be a cold day in Hell before she turned to Faith.
“Hello?”
Willow jumped slightly and shook her thoughts away. “Cordy? It’s Willow…I need some advice.”
There was a long, long pause. “How’d you get this number?”
“I’ve only known you since preschool and you’ve never moved. Plus, hey, we’re kind of friends.”
“Emphasis on the kind of. What’s up?”
“What do you know about pregnancy tests?”
She could practically see the astonishment on Cordelia’s face. “That they tell you whether you are or aren’t. Willow! You little sneaky whore, are you and Oz doing the wild thing?”
“What? No! I’m calling—it’s Buffy. She—”
“Oh. My. God.”
“No. Gah, please don’t—”
“With Spike, right? I so knew those two had something going on!” Cordelia was laughing now—hard. “God, Xander’s gonna flip.”
“No, Cordy. No. You can’t tell Xander. Please promise me you won’t tell Xander.” Willow knocked her head against the wall with a long moan. “I shouldn’t have called you.”
“Probably not.”
“You can’t tell Xander. Swear to me that you won’t.”
“You know, for a girl who claims to be my kind of friend, you’re not at all any fun.”
“Cordy!”
There was a sigh of exasperation. “Fine! Whatever. I solemnly swear that I will not tell Xander that Buffy’s gotten herself knocked up with demon spawn.”
“She is…” Willow glanced up just as the girl in question bounded down the stairs, a very silly, very happy look on her face. “Not. Not at all. Not in the least. Thanks for nothing.” She hung up before Cordy could get another word in and turned to Buffy with a large, falsely bright smile. “Good news?”
There was no sense in asking—it was all over her face. “No baby for Buffy. I’m not joining the Unwed Mothers of Undead Children Club. Who was that?”
“Uhhh…telemarketer. So definitely no baby?”
“No baby…which means it’s something else.” Buffy sighed and hoisted herself atop the island in the middle of the kitchen. “Something else that causes freakish mood swings and an allergy to all things male-shaped aside from the one vamp I should never, ever want to see again.”
“You thought you were pregnant because you don’t want to be around boys?”
“Not so much that as I want to be around Spike and everything else with a Y-chromosome gives me the heebie-jeebies. Angel especially, which isn’t at all normal in the eyes of Buffy.” She sighed again. “But at least I’m not pregnant.”
“Yeah,” Willow nodded, forcing a weak smile and eying the phone. “At least.”
It took less than three hours to figure out that Cordelia hadn’t kept her mouth shut.
“Mom!” Buffy called, throwing on her jacket. “Will and I are going to a movie!”
“Some Drew Barrymore piece of junk that you’re dragging me to,” Willow added good-naturedly, following her down the hall.
There was no sense in yelling. Joyce was waiting for them at the bottom of the stairs, a very confused and ill-humored look on her face.
Buffy froze in mid-step. “What?”
Her mother was quiet for a long minute. “I just got off the phone with Mr. Giles,” she began slowly. “Who heard from a girl named Rita who heard from a janitor named Phil who heard from a student named Thomas, who heard from his second cousin, Allison, who is Cordelia Chase’s neighbor that Buffy is pregnant with Elvis’s demon spawn from outer space.” She arched a brow. “Care to explain?”
A very still beat passed through the room. Buffy scowled and turned to glower at a flaming Willow, who offered little more than a shrug.
“Oops?”
To be continued
ETA: My betas told me it might be a good idea to kill off any babyfic ideas before they got started. For the record: Buffy is not pregnant and she’s not going to be. This was just one of the situations her crazy mind provided to explain her behavior, being as ignorant to babies/pregnancy as she is. That and I thought it was kinda funny.