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“He’s gonna meet you for patrol tonight?”
Buffy nodded and chewed on her straw, her eyes distant. The school day could not end quickly enough. “Yeah,” she said. “It’s a part of a new plan.”
Willow perked her brows and leaned forward with interest. “A plan?” she asked. “A plan to make sure there are no more instances of freakish baby scares and—”
“A plan to generally get us through the ‘have to be together to not be in pain’ thing.” She sighed. “Every time we’re apart, I feel like my body is split in two. And it’s gotten worse ever since that one morning.”
“The one where he…you know…with the r—”
Buffy glanced up sharply and held up a hand. “No. No. Don’t say it. He didn’t. It was force, yes, but it wasn’t…that other word. If it was that other word, I wouldn’t have enjoyed it. I don’t want to hear you hint around that other word again, okay? Spike’s not like that. Even Angel said so.”
“Angel said so?”
She nodded. “Yeah. Angel figured it out. At this rate, I think the only person that doesn’t know is Giles.” A sigh rushed through her lips. “Unless Xander told him.”
Willow’s eyes darkened. “Well, Xander’s head comes to a point,” she growled, then shrank back in her seat when she realized what she’d said. “Dammit, I really need to stop doing that. Oz isn’t buying the PMS excuse anymore.”
“You haven’t told him about the delusting spell?”
“Doing that would mean telling him about the initial lust, and that’s not something I particularly want to do.” She shuddered. “It’s just wrong…saying the word lust in reference to Xander.”
“Now you know how I’ve felt. Xander’s just…my Xander-shaped friend.”
The redhead nodded. “Who should really look into getting his brains bashed in.”
Buffy glanced down to hide her amused grin. “You can tell him that. Looks like he and Cordy are on their way over.”
“Oh great,” she muttered, sinking further into her seat. “Can you just do me a quick favor and staple my lips shut?”
Buffy just snickered and resumed chewing on her straw, doing her best to dissimulate the way Willow all but growled at the brunette couple once they stopped at the table.
“Oh joy,” Cordelia said snidely. “Looks like Willow’s in another shining mood today.”
Xander just smiled uncomfortably and nodded. “Buffy,” he said, his tone abrupt. “Willow.”
Buffy sighed and rolled her eyes. They hadn’t really spoken since their fight—not any more than necessary, anyway—and it didn’t look like today would be the day for burying the hatchet. And though she knew she could clear things up rather quickly by telling Xander the full truth—the fact that Spike had kidnapped her and forced her to have sex with him—she didn’t think she needed to justify herself in his eyes. Furthermore, since their argument, she’d both seen and been with Spike, voluntarily, if not eagerly, a few times. If she was going to use the forced excuse, she’d have to be choosy in her words. As it was, Buffy felt that she had nothing to apologize for. She was confused, yes, but she was approaching the subject rationally. Spike wasn’t her boyfriend; he wasn’t even her lover. Until they could live separately without suffering mind-blowing pain, he was her patrolling partner. No more. No less.
Yeah. Keep telling yourself that.
“I was just saying,” Willow began shortly, glaring daggers at Xander, “you should really look into getting your brains bashed in.”
“It’s interesting,” Buffy mused, crossing her arms. “The way that idea is starting to really appeal to me.”
Cordelia fumed. Xander paled. “You know what?” he said, forcing a small chuckle. “We’re gonna turn around right now and go sit across the room. It’ll be like we were never here.”
Buffy watched their retreat with a small, amused grin. “You know, it’s funny now, but when the dust from this thing settles, you know what we’re gonna get?”
“A little punishment?”
“A little punishment.”
Willow glanced off thoughtfully. “You know what?” she said after a second. “Xander is a sleazy, slimy, adolescent, oversexed blow-hole, so I really don’t care what he thinks.”
Buffy snickered. “It’s lucky you hate Xander right now,” she said. “’Cause I hate men in general and Xander is the only vaguely male person we hang out with.”
The redhead waved. “Umm. I do have a boyfriend.”
“Yeah, well, I think I can keep myself from beating him into a little furry pulp.” Buffy frowned and glanced around the cafeteria. “Where is Oz, anyway? Doesn’t he have this lunch?”
“He might be hiding under a table, worrying that you’ll beat him into a little furry pulp,” Willow teased. “Nah. He and Devon were gonna work on this new chord that Devon discovered over the weekend. Besides, you know Oz. He doesn’t eat much and he likes giving me time to miss him.”
The happiness in her friend’s eyes was only a mild source of envy. Buffy unwittingly found herself thinking of Spike. Thinking how lovely it would be if she had a concrete date on weekends. If she was one half of a pair. If she could sit down in a cafeteria and explain to others that her boyfriend wasn’t going to join her because it was daytime and he was way too old to be in high school, anyway.
She’d never had that. Not even with Angel. Angel had always felt like her dirty little secret, even when they were openly together. Her relationship with Spike—strange as it was—wasn’t a secret at all.
Well, okay, so she hadn’t told Giles…but that was only because she really didn’t want to.
“So,” Willow said perkily, drawing her back to the present. “Patrolling with Spike?”
“Don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t say it like that.”
“How am I saying it?”
“You’re making it sound all dirty.”
“I am not!”
She stared at the redhead for a minute before glancing down with a giggle. “Oh, yeah. That was me.”
“Buffy, you’re not…”
“No.” She shook her head resolutely. “I am not. I am not about to go patrolling with Spike tonight for any reason beyond making my insides not feel like they’re being flambéed. It’s a part of the plan I have.”
“The purely platonic plan?”
Buffy nodded proudly. “Purely platonic. No kissage. No inappropriate…or appropriate fondling. And definitely no sex. There will be no sex between me and Spike. There will, however, be handholding.”
“Handholding? Spike will really be willing to hold your hand? You know, in public?”
“Will!” Buffy scowled. “It’s not like I’m a leper! We have to have some sort of contact. It’s the only way the plan makes sense.”
“Actually, there’s no way this plan makes sense.”
“Plus, Spike was the one who wanted to hold hands. It was his idea.”
It was really annoying, the way Willow’s eyes warmed. “Awww!”
“Stop that!”
“Well, come on! It’s sweet.”
“I am not contesting that it’s sweet. It’s totally sweet.” Buffy’s face flamed. “But I can’t…see, this is the only way the plan makes sense. I can’t be noticing it when Spike is randomly sweet or when he looks at me like he gives an honest damn or…I just can’t be noticing it! He’s gonna get over this…we both are…and then he’s gonna leave.”
Willow pursed her lips. “How do you know?”
“What do you mean, how do I know? He hates me, Will. Not as much right now as he does normally, but he came here to kill me. Once our crazy ‘can’t keep our hands off each other’ phase is over, he’s definitely going to leave.” A long, despondent sigh rolled off her shoulders. “And I can’t…I can’t be attached to him. In addition to his being a vampire and my being a slayer as a vocational conflict, some day quick he’s gonna wake up and remember how much he hates me. And then he’s gone and I’m left here.”
The redhead’s brow furrowed worriedly. “Buffy…”
“But in the meantime, if we’re not around each other, we’re both in serious pain. Like really, really serious pain.”
“So until the pain stops and Spike decides that he can’t be around you, you’re going to spend as much time with him as possible?”
“Not as much time as possible. Just…well, yes, as much time as possible.”
Willow thought for a minute, then perked her brow and shook her head. “Wow, is that a stupid plan.”
“You have any better suggestions?”
“No, but if I did, it would almost certainly be better than your incredibly stupid plan.”
Buffy scowled teasingly. “You’re not at all helpful.”
It wasn’t as though she hadn’t thought of possible foils to the plan. Being with Spike every night, getting to know him little by little, was either going to open her eyes and make her realize how stupid she was, worrying about falling for Spike. Or she’d melt at all the wonderful things he said, and fall for him regardless.
Willow was right. It was a stupid plan.
But it was the only solution. She just couldn’t keep having sex with Spike. Not when it meant more to her than it did to him. She wasn’t the kind of girl that could do that. She just wasn’t.
Buffy sighed and sank further into her chair. No matter how she looked at this, the chances of walking away with her heart intact were becoming more and more obsolete.
To be continued…