She was. She had her hands under her head, her body slightly turned in fetal position and she was staring off. She was not moving and if not for her eyes being open, he’d have thought she was asleep.
Crawling out of bed, William made his way around the bed and kneeled before her. Her eyelids fluttered as he came into her peripheral, and she reared back just a bit, clearly not expecting him to be there in her face.
He reached out slowly and she watched his hand as it descended to her hair. He pushed some from her face and stroked her long locks. “Morning, pet,” he said, attempting a smile.
“I’m not your pet.”
Well, at least she was talking now.
“Okay,” he amended, “You’re my Buffy.”
“Not anyone’s,” she muttered and rolled over. “Go away.”
“Nope. Not gonna do that. I will leave you to use the facilities, but then I will be back.”
“Then you go.”
“No, told you, not going to do that.”
He looked over at her on his way to the bathroom and found her staring at him, expressionless. Her eyes though, were hard. Sighing inwardly, he shut the door to the bathroom and pondered how he was going to get through to her.
By the time he came out of the bathroom, she was up and gone. She couldn’t have gone far, he thought as he quickly dressed.
Jogging to the kitchen, he found her pouring a bowl of cereal. She didn’t even look at him as he came in and started grabbing a bowl for himself. Instead, she put the milk back in the fridge and strolled out of the kitchen as if she had never noticed him. Calmly, he fixed his bowl and then went in search of her. He found her outside at the fountain, sitting sideways, her legs sprawled out before her, staring up at it as she absently ate. He sat down next to her. It was going to be a long day, he realized. She wasn’t about to let him in to her thoughts, and she seemed intent on ignoring him.
She got up and made her way back to the house, making a point to shut the door behind her firmly, as a point, he knew that she wanted him out. He was not welcome.
She was testing him. Buffy didn’t seem to realize what a fantastic test taker he was. Okay, he’d give her some space. He’d let her do what she had to do inside and stay out of her way for a while, a half hour tops, and then he’d go find her. He had to prove to her that he would not leave no matter what she threw at him. He had to make her see that even at her worst; he was there for the long haul.
He was not going anywhere.
“Dammit, why won’t he just fucking go?” Buffy muttered to herself as she scrubbed her scalp harshly in the shower. “Why doesn’t he just leave me alone? I don’t need him. I don’t need anyone. I can handle things just fine by myself.” She took a deep breath, her voice wobbling uncontrollably as the tears cascaded down, mixing with the shower water. “I don’t need anyone. I can do this alone. He can just go. I don’t….I don’t….need him….” Her body was wracked with sobs she could no longer contain. “He doesn’t love me,” she sobbed, sinking to the bottom of the tub. “He only wanted to be with me because of Dru. Because of her stupid cryptic messages…He can’t love me. It’s not real. Love isn’t real. It’s not real….”
“Such a shame, Buffy. It seems no one can bear to stay with you, can they?”
”Good God girl, why do you cry over needless things? You’re so sensitive about everything it’s a wonder anyone can stand to be around you.”
”You don’t think he actually likes you, do you? He just wishes to use you. You have a car, you have a body. . . Dru has the personality, Buffy…”
“He doesn’t love me…He can’t…” Buffy murmured, numbing herself, allowing it to surround her like a blanket. It was possibly the only thing she was really good at.
William was pacing outside her bedroom door. He’d told himself he wasn’t going in there, but damn, she’d been in the shower for a long time, and he was starting to worry. What if she -- ? Visions of Buffy in the tub, her blood coloring the water, her blood surrounding her, catapulted William into her bedroom and just as he was about to burst through the bathroom door, it flung open.
She stepped back, startled to see him there. She was fully clothed in running pants and a long t shirt. Her hair was wet and fell in strings around her shoulders and in her face. She looked up at him, and he was sure his concern was written all over his face.
She smirked, “Afraid I was going to slash my wrists in there?”
“That’s not funny, Buffy,” he said harshly.
She shrugged. “I thought it was,” she said and walked out of her room.
He followed her, grabbing her arm and making her look at him.
“What?” she demanded. “What do you want, huh?”
“I want…I want you to talk to me.”
“I am talking to you.”
“You know what I mean, Buffy.”
“Oh. You want me to talk about my feelings. I don’t have any.”
“Yes, you do. Despite how you try to hide them and cover them, you have them. If you didn’t have them, you wouldn’t be so angry with me right now.”
“That is the only feeling I have. I feel anger, and that’s it.”
“You’re angry because you’re hurt.”
“Thank you, fucking Freud. Come on; tell me how my parents fucked me up. Tell me how I need to rise above it!” She didn’t seem aware of the tears that were threatening to spill over as she spoke.
William grabbed her arms, keeping her still. “They did fuck you up, Buffy. And you let them!”
“Just leave me alone, I want you to just leave me alone!” she screamed at him.
“No! You don’t want me to leave, Buffy. You want me to stay, you want me to prove that I’ll be here through it all, and I will be here through it all.”
“No, I don’t,” she told him through clenched teeth.
“I’m not going anywhere, Buffy. I’m going to stay here and prove to you that I love you—“
She winced at those words and struggled in his arms.
He continued on. “I love you and I’m going to stay and prove it to you. You can lean on me; you can trust me. I won’t hurt you, and I won’t let you go…”
“Stop, please, just stop…you can’t. You can’t.”
“I do.”
“I’m not lovable, I’m not lovable, I’m not….” She was full out sobbing now.
He pulled her to him, gathering her quick in his arms. “Yes, you are, Buffy. You are so incredibly lovable. You’re so lovely and special. You are so sweet even though you think you’re not. You care about other people; you have such generosity in your heart. It’s the reason why you want Edina to be part of everything. You want to be loved; you just don’t know how to handle it when they do. You protect yourself from it, and you think in turn you’re protecting those around you.”
“No one wants to stay with me. They can’t bear it. I drive them away. I’m a freak.”
They sank to the floor together, William cradling her in his lap, holding her close as she wept. He wasn’t sure how long they sat there like that, all he knew was that whatever she said that negated his love for her, he came right back with more affirmations of his love and why. Somehow, she’d see it. Somehow.