“I have no time to talk about this Dad. If you must know, Buffy’s on her way back her right now and-“
“William, I’m sorry but I think it’s time that you listen to what I have to say! I’ve stayed on the sideline for far too long and I will not have you do this to yourself anymore!” Giles’ sudden change in his demeanor completely took Spike by surprise. His father hardly ever raised his voice to anyone unless it’s a matter of great importance.
”You deserve to be happy, son.” Giles continued in a softer tone. ”I know that you somehow blame yourself for your mother’s death and because of it, you punish yourself by walking away whenever you get too close to being happy. “
Spike jaw clenched and his whole body stiffened as his mind traveled back to a very significant moment in his life.
I dreamt that you left us, mummy.” he told her between sobs.
“It’s only a dream…You know that can never happen.” Jenny assured him.” I will never leave you no matter what,” She kissed him in the forehead. ” I promise that loving you will always comes first.”
“It’s because of me that Mum stayed.” Spike told him bitterly.
“I beg your pardon?”
His eyes were already brimmed with tears when he turned towards his Dad. “She was in love with another man but she chose stay with her marriage because of me. When she couldn’t take it anymore, she left to be with him. The day that she left, she must’ve felt so guilty that she didn’t see the car that she collided with. Can’t you see? It is why I hate myself! I was the one who killed her.”
For a moment Giles was speechless. He knew that his son had been carrying the burden of his mom’s death. He just hadn’t realized how deep it had been until now.
“William,” he sighed. “Your mom didn’t leave us for another man. All though it was true that she wasn’t happy with me, she was actually on her way to a charity center she’d volunteered to years ago.”
Spike’s eyes went up to meet his dad’s alarmingly. “What?!”
“When she and your grandma got reunited, Glory gave her a big amount of money…which you found out about the same time that I did. It got me to realize what a fool I was for even doubting her. It was only after Mr. Hamilton read the will that things became clear why she left that night.” He told her as his mind briefly recalled the day he met with Glory’s lawyer three years ago. “That night, she learned that the center was about to be closed the next day so she got into the car with a check in hand…”
Spike raked his hand through his hair in frustration. His mind was spinning from having to digest all the information that had just been laid out to him. “Why are you telling me this now?”
“Because I think it’s about time that you tell her.”
“Dad…”
“Make peace with yourself William and be with her before it’s too late. You deserve to be happy. I know your mother would’ve wanted you to.”
******************
Half an hour later,
Spike was just about finished lighting up some candles in the dinning room when he heard her come in. Spike excitedly went out of the kitchen to greet her. “Buffy, I have exciting news to tell you.”
Buffy’s smile didn’t reach her eyes.” Great. Let’s hear it.”
Spike was too keyed up about his news to notice her grim expression. ”I’ve decided to take my grandma’s offer. You’re now looking at the proud owner of Hotel le Athenea and at least three other hotels in Vegas which have names I could hardly pronounce.”
“Congratulations.” She didn’t try to hide the tears that welled-up in her eyes as she met his curious stare.
“Are you ok, luv?”
She paced back and forth then glared at him. “When are you going to tell me?”
“Tell you what, pet?”
“Were you going to wait till I marry Riley? Till I have children with him, ‘til we’re old and gray? Is that it?”
Spike could have sworn his heart stopped the moment he had a slight inkling as to what she was probably referring to. “Luv I-“
Why haven’t said a word? Were you ashamed, is that it?” She moved closer and glared up at him. ”When did you know, Spike? When did you find out that you fell in love with me?”
“How did you-“
“It doesn’t matter how I knew or who told me!”
.”Anya told you.” He clenched his jaws in anger.
“No it’s not Anya and you’re not listening to me. Tell me Spike, when you were still with Dru, did you already feel this way about me?”
” Yes.” He closed his eyes in frustration. This wasn’t how he was picturing their evening together. He was actually planning on telling her tonight before they make love, but that wouldn’t have been such a nifty idea either. She obviously doesn’t feel the same way about him. God, she must probably hate me now.” Buffy, I can explain.”
She should feel happy, but she couldn’t’ help feeling betrayed. All this time, Spike had been in love with her and he never said a word. All those heart aches she felt each time he went on a date with Dru was all for nothing. She knew it all, the details of his love story. From the moment he started dating her down to the time that he and the ho bag had broken-up. She cried for at least a month the moment she learned that he lost his virginity to Dru.
She might even willing to understand why he had kept silent. In his own deluded mind, he must’ve felt it wasn’t the right mind, but what she could not get was how willing he was to let her go even if she was about to get married to Riley. Wasn’t he going to do anything about it at all?
It angered her that Spike reminded her of her Dad. All those years that he’d stay away were because he was too afraid of her mom’s rejection. He wasted all those five years sulking to him self. She hated him for that and vowed to herself that she could never ever be with someone who won’t have to courage to fight for her.
“You know what? I don’t think you’re in love with me, you just think you are, but the truth is you really don’t.” Tears started to fall from her eyes as she looked at him in resentment. “Because only a fool would stand back and watch the girl he loves go marry someone else without telling her how he feels! Either that or he’s a coward just like my father!” She broke down and Spike was immediately beside her.
There it was, staring at him in the face. He just didn’t recognize it at first, but it’s there--- her confession…that she feels the same way.
“Buffy, please forgive me,” His voice was low and full of pent-up emotions as he lifted her chin to face him.” I thought at first I was just scared that it might ruin our friendship, and then I found that it goes deeper than that.”
“Right. Because we’re best of friends.” She told him mockingly.
“You were right the first time you called me a coward, Buffy because that’s who I really am, at least when it comes to you.” He brushed his trembling fingers against her hair as he spoke. ”You can’t imagine what you’ve done to me, Summers. I’m supposed to be cool badass guy in school, but I turn into a pathetic git each time you’re near. I love you so much I couldn’t think straight. I ”
“Well it’s your lucky day, Spike.” She told him with bitterness in her voice. “You won’t have to lose me because you already did a long, long time ago.” She said, as she got up and walked towards the door.
“What are you going to do? God help me if I’m going to let you get back with Finn.”
“Now why would that bother you, Spike? You didn’t seem to have a problem with it when I was engaged to him FIVE DAYS AGO!” She snapped.
“I was going to tell you.”
“When?”
“There were so many times that I tried to but-“
“But what? Something keeps happening that prevents you from telling me? We were groping and kissing two hours ago, how come you didn’t tell me then?”
“Like I was trying to tell you earlier, something happened in my past that made me this way, luv. If you would only hear me out, I’ll-.”
“I don’t want to hear it.”
Spike glared at her this time. “How about you?”
“What about me?”
“Do you love me?”
Buffy looked at him with stunned eyes.
“Buffy?”
“Yes.” She admitted softly.
Spike closed his eyes, momentarily relishing the wonderful thought of Buffy feeling the same way.. “Then why didn’t you tell me then?”
Buffy looked at him with incredulous eyes. She wanted to grab the nearest flower vase and throw it at him. “ Probably because I already did a long time ago, you jerk!”
“What?!!!” The words she just said didn’t make any sense to him. She already confessed her love for him? When did this happen and how in the hell could he have missed it?
“Stop fooling around Spike, I don’t have time for your games. I’m going to see Willow. When I come back, I want you gone.”
“I’m not leaving.” Spike told her as he tried to take her hand. “Not this time. We love each other. Isn’t that what truly matters?”
Buffy abruptly moved away. “Then I’ll stay with Willow until you leave.”
“We need to talk this over.”
“I’m sorry but the person that I wanna talk to right now is my best friend and unfortunately, he’s nowhere near me. ” She told him. A faint sob had escaped her lips just as she slammed the door on his face.
TBC
A/N: So Buffy actually told him in the past and that will be revealed to you soon in the next chappy. Though it wasn't mentioned in my earlier chapters , I played around with the facts that she'd been hurt by Spike before and that she tried to get over him. Sorry if I happen to confuse anyone .
Thanks to everyone who reviewed on my last chap. Hope that my readers haven’t given-up on this story yet.
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Reference to:
*Her father’s lack of courage - Chapter 15.
*Father issues – Chapter 16
* Buffy being hurt by Spike before- Chapter -14
*Her early attempt to tell him about her feelings – Chapter 16
*Jenny telling Spike that she will never leave him.- Chapter 14
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks HMB for working on the chap with me!