A/N: This is a really short one, but I had to split the chapters in two because if I didn't this chapter would be unbearably long and I would get lazy midway and then my story would suck, so though it doesn't seem like it, I'm doing y'all a favor. Look for the whole story (or is it?) of Spike's past tomorrow. I'm too pumped to write this to put it off. Oh, and please keep reviewing, it makes things come even faster if that's possible.
"0l' black Bascom, don't break no mirrors
Cold black water dog, make no tears
You say you love me with what may be love
Don't you remember makin' baby love?
Got your steam drill built and you're lookin' for some kid
To get it to work for you like your nine-pound hammer did
But I know that you know that I know that you show
Something is tearing up your mind.
Tell me, momma,
Tell me, momma,
Tell me, momma, what is it?
What's wrong with you this time?"
-Bob Dylan, Tell Me Momma
Spike's face was rubbing against the concrete. Mud and urine and other bodily fluids were stinging him in all of his wounds.
"This is what you're made for boy," he said, pumping into Spike, pushing his face into the ground.
Spike shut his eyes and refused to look at Drusilla and see the disgust there. He was trying to save her, trying to protect her, and now he was going to be fucked until his insides were pulled out.
"Not only are you made for this, it's all you're good for. Can't keep her happy unless you're fucking her brains out, and even then you barely satisfy. People don't love you, Willy. They want your cock, your ass, or your money. You'd do well to remember that."
He felt blood dripping down between his legs and though he couldn't help that, he wouldn't add tears to the disgusting mix on his face.
"Tell me you love this boy, I know you do, little fucking slut, tell me."
Spike managed to turn his head, "fuck you," he slurred spitting at his assailant.
He felt his torso being lifted and then his head slammed into the concrete below, sadly it didn't knock him out. "You stupid fucking whore, you'll do what I fucking tell you or I'll make you watch while I take out my frustrations on that little bitch of yours."
Spike shoved his face into the ground and tried to force back the tears while his dignity was stripped away. "I love it," he whispered before he finally allowed the tears to come.
Spike cried out and shot up in bed. He was covered in a cold sweat and he could taste the salt of his tears. He covered his face in shaky hands and tried to push that memory into the deep recesses of his mind where it was usually kept.
Anya stirred next to him and propped herself up on her elbows. "Spike?"
He didn't answer, he couldn't answer. His whole body was shaking now as memories assailed him.
Whore.Slut.Tease.Cock.Body.Coke.Fuck.Dirty.Fuckher.Filthy.Fuckme.You'reNothing.Rapeyou.Yourfault.Killer.Murderer.YouDidIt.
He tore at his hair trying to stop the barrage of voices in his head.
"Spike?" Anya tried to touch him and he threw himself to the other side of the bed against the wall.
"Don't fucking touch me."
Anya watched him for a moment as his eyes darted about the room. They weren't focused and she knew, after many nights dealing with his nightmare, that he wasn't out of them yet. "Spike... Will, it's Anya. I love you, I'm here and I love you. Come back to us." She scooted closer to him but kept enough distance until his eyes began to clear. "That's it, baby, come on."
He remained trembling but she could see he was trying his hardest to calm down. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry that I'm dirty."
"Will, it's ok, you're home, and you're fine, you're not dirty, you're good."
He still wasn't completely out of it and he hadn't looked at her yet, he was focusing on some point at the end of the bed. "I wanted...I wanted to be clean for you, but I didn't have time. They didn't give me time and it hurts so much, and they're still all over me."
Anya was getting nervous, it usually didn't take this long, and only when he'd been really freaked out did he start talking to people whom only he could see. "William, it's Anya, look at me."
He finally looked over and the second they made eye contact he was out. He immediately slapped his hands over his face and wept. Anya moved next to him and he threw his arms around her and buried his face in her lap.
"Shhh, shh, I'm here, Will, it's ok."
***
Xander found them that way an hour later. "Hey, shouldn't this be the other way around?"
Anya looked up at him and Xander understood immediately what had happened. He set next to Anya and Spike moved to Xander. They moved so that they were laying down together facing each other with Spike's face in the space between Xander's neck and shoulder.
"How long has he been like this?"
Anya looked at the clock next to his bed. "I think, maybe an hour. Xander, it was weird, it took a long time for him to come out of it."
Xander stroked the blonde's back and whispered endearments to him softly. "What was he saying, do you know which one it was?"
Anya shook her head softly. "Well, I think he thought he was talking to Jenny after he woke up, but he wasn't dreaming about her. He told me not to touch him."
Xander closed his eyes and sighed. "I think I know." He kissed Spike softly on the cheek and the shaking lessened a bit.
Anya stood up and started to leave them alone, but Xander's voice stopped her. "Ahn, I'm sorry."
She looked at him and gave him a sad smile. "It was stupid Xander, I'm sorry too. We'll talk later." He nodded and she moved to the door. "Hey, I think he's trying to work things out with Buffy. He wouldn't even help me make you irrationally jealous."
Xander smiled at his girlfriend. "Maybe he was just thinking he wanted to be a good friend to me."
"And turn down this? Fat chance, beady eyes." Anya winked and closed the door behind her.
Xander turned his attention back to his friend and pulled back a bit so he could face him. "Will? You wanna talk yet?"
Spike wiped his face and nodded slowly. "It was about him," he said softly, his voice raspy.
"I figured. Just the usual?" he asked, stroking Spike's cheek.
Spike nodded and moved back into Xander's embrace. "The worst time." Xander felt more tears hit his neck. "It was the first, and it hurt so bloody much."
"I know, Will, I know. What about Jenny?"
"When I... When I went to see her," he swallowed. "After everything, and I was late because they kept me, and I was so dirty."
"Sshh, I remember, Will." Xander remembered everything all too well. All the times Spike couldn't hide the bruises and cuts, all the times he was late because he'd been out with Dru and he'd come home flying high even with the shit beaten out of him to the point where he could barely walk. And the first time they'd been intimate after everything and Xander witnessed first hand the way they'd tortured him.
After a lot of comforting touches and chaste kisses, Spike and Xander sat up and with one last kiss Xander stroked Spike's hair and walked out. Spike sat there for a few minutes trying to get his senses in order and remember what was so important about today.
"Buffy."
***
Buffy heard the knock on her door and turned to see a bedraggled Spike leaning against the door and trying to keep the injured parts of his feet from rubbing on the carpet. "Spike, come sit down, we should get you a wheelchair or something." When he didn't react to her she realized his appearance was due to something more than Anya keeping him up talking about Xander all night.
"What's wrong?"
"Me." He didn't look up, just kept staring at his hands which were clenched so tightly together that his knuckles were white.
"What do you mean, you? What happened, Spike?" He didn't say anything just twisted his hands and occasionally ran his hands through his already tousled hair. "Please talk to me."
"You just don't know what you're getting into, Buffy, and I'm tired of hurting you."
"No, no, no, no. You're not doing this, Spike. I'm not going to let guilt about your past fuck up what we could have now. You think if I find out that you have issues that I'll run away. Here's something to think about, I know you have issues, that's why we called everything off in the first place. But I know about them now, and I'm not running, so don't you do it either."
She took his hand and kissed it softly and she felt some of the tension drain out of his body. "There's just so much that still effects me. I panic when I remember too much and I can't even bloody remember where I am."
"You're not the only person that's ever happened to. A lot of people have trouble with remembering things that are painful. You've been through a lot, I wouldn't expect anything less than that." She put a hand to his cheek and he sighed softly. "I want to know Spike, and I promise I'll be here when it's all over. I wouldn't ask you to go through that if I wasn't ready to stay."
He turned to her and leaned his head against hers. "I know... I know I'm asking a lot, but will you kiss me Buffy? Please, will you just kiss me?"
Buffy couldn't turn down his plea after she heard the pain and doubt in his voice. "I can do that, Spike."
She turned and pressed her lips softly to his. There was nothing more to this kiss than comfort and security and she could momentarily understand what he saw in his arrangement with Xander and Anya. Their tongue's touched hesitantly and when she moaned softly he pulled back. He leaned his head back against hers and then pressed a small chaste kiss on her lips.
"I have a lot to tell you pet, and I don't think any of it is remotely pleasant," he whispered against her lips, desperate for the contact.
Buffy's head was spinning, she didn't understand how he could create such intimate moments with simple touches, but right now she felt as if there was no outside world for them, just she and Spike and whatever demons that lay between them.
She pulled back and a bit and when he looked confused and not a little scared at her actions she tugged on his sleeve until he was laying down with her on the bed, their heads next to each other, their lips only a few centimeters apart. She wrapped her arms around his waist and his legs tangled with hers. He reached down and pulled her comforter around them.
"I've got all night, and I can't think of a better way to spend it."