A/N: This is a pretty dark chapter, so there's your warning. Hope this doesn't scare anyone off, it should get much lighter after this, with occasional dips into darkness, but this is the only time it will be so concentrated. Thanks for all the reviews, and this chapter is the one I'm most interested in people's opinions. Please let me know what you thought even if you hated it. Thanks!
"You will search, babe,
At any cost.
But how long, babe,
Can you search for what's not lost?
Ev'rybody will help you,
Some people are very kind.
But if I can save you any time,
Come on, give it to me,
I'll keep it with mine."
-Bob Dylan, I'll Keep It With Mine
After Buffy's words they lay together silently for a few moments, just savoring the closeness. Finally Spike took a deep breath and spoke. "I'm not sure where to start."
"Tara and Willow told me a lot about what happened with you three." She noticed Spike flinch slightly at the mention of it, apparently Tara wasn't the only one it still effected deeply. "What were you doing those days before they found you?"
He'd been driving for what seemed like days, but when he looked at the clock on the dash he saw that it had only been hours. Tears still streamed down his face and he swiped at them furiously trying to stop the constant flow. How the hell could she have done that to him? Either of them? He should have known that it was all a lie, she probably just wanted a beard so that she could have his sister without any pesky disapproval.
He wanted to scream at them, he wanted to drive his car off of a cliff, he wanted to just not be anymore. If he had any idea where he could get something stronger than liquor or pot he would. He wanted something that would change him entirely, make him into a new stronger person, even if it was just for a little bit. He wanted to forget what her skin tasted like, the sounds she made when she was writhing him under him, driving him wild, the softness of her lips, most of all he wanted to forget the way she made him feel when she told him how much she loved him.
She had fucking lied to him. Lied to him about the one thing that could break him faster than anything. She loved Willow. Willow.Willow.LovedWillow.FuckingLovedWillow.LovedFuckingWillow.
Didn't love him.
He slammed his hands against the wheel and cried out. He hadn't been aware that he could make the noises he'd been letting out all afternoon. They sounded like death, like betrayal, like an end to everything.
And they were. He wasn't ever going to be the same. He wanted to hate them so badly that he felt the need burning in his chest, but it was impossible. He loved them both so much that he couldn't think. He told them he wanted them happy, it was true, he needed them to be happy, he just wished he could enjoy some of that happiness.
He pulled into a diner parking lot and walked to the pay phone outside of it.
"It's me...No I'm not sure where I am....I need to see you, I need you...The chapel."
He hung up and returned to his car. An hour later he was at the chapel, he hid his car behind some trees and pulled out the bag full of bottles of bourbon he'd picked up.
"Will?"
He spun around fast and saw Xander standing in the doorway to the small building. They stood staring at each other for a few minutes, comfort and love passing wordlessly between them. Xander made the first move and before either one knew it they were in each other's arms. William had finally stopped crying by the time he made it out of his car, but the sobs began anew once Xander touched him.
The brunette bent to pick up the bag while still holding his friend with one arm around his waist. They walked into the chapel and lay on the blankets Xander had brought with him. William sobbed out the story softly while Xander continued to wipe away his tears.
"She never loved me, I love her so much, and she never loved me."
"Shh, Will, yes she does, I know she does."
William pulled away sharply and covered his face with his hands. "If she loved me, why the bloody hell was she fucking my sister?!"
Xander put a hand on his back. "I don't know. It is possible to love two people at once, you know that."
"Right, are you trying to tell me that's what's happening here? You love me and Anya. Fuck that. You were lonely and my ass was almost as good as her pussy."
Xander sat stunned for a moment then stood up. He knew that his friend was out of his mind with grief but it didn't matter. He tried to make it clear to William that he loved him, and he was sick of it being thrown back in his face. He started to walk away and he got to the door before William's voice stopped him.
"I'm sorry! Xander, please don't leave me."
He was back in a flash and they fell onto the blankets together. This time it wasn't soft and loving as every time before, this was hard and violent and born of the loss and sadness and pain that William didn't ever think he'd get over. When they were both naked and he turned onto his stomach Xander stopped him.
"We don't have-"
"Just do it. I have to feel something else."
Xander kissed him lingeringly on the back of his neck and tried to be as gentle as he could. William didn't make a sound for a long time until he started whispering something Xander couldn't hear. He leaned down to listen.
"I lost her. I lost her. I lost her."
Xander's tears fell to mingle with Williams as they strove toward completion.
"Xander left after that. I didn't want to see anyone. Tara found me later and I don't really remember much between Xander and her. Just a lot of alcohol."
Buffy stroked his hair and kissed his cheek where a tear had fallen. He sighed and tried for a smile. "Ready for the sad stuff, pet?"
Buffy did smile at that and kissed him softly.
"After that episode, I got a taste for Anya and Xander's brand of sexual healing. Sometimes it was too hard to see anyone together, even them, so I started to look for some new people to hang around. I stayed away from Tara and Willow mostly. I told them I wanted them to be happy, and I did, but I couldn't watch it. Tara and I would talk a lot still, but not in person. She'd write to me or call me, I think she was worried after she found me in the chapel.
"Anyway, I started going to this club just outside Sunnydale. They had a lot of local punk bands that played there, they didn't ID, and most importantly of all, it was nothing like any place I'd ever been before. That's when I bleached my hair, bought my duster, and I started wearing a lot more black. Less tweed anyway."
"Is that where you met Dru?"
"Yeah."
"Oh, William, you gorgeous boy, I'm going to teach you so very much." She grabbed his hand and led him to the back of the club, pulling him into a booth.
"So, umm, pet, what's your name, then?"
She looked at him and smiled brightly, if a little wickedly. "It's Drusilla, luv, call me Dru."
"Dru," he whispered, he was already amazed by this woman, her confidence, her dark beauty, the way her hand was running up his thigh while she fiddle with her purse and looked as if nothing was happening at all. The closer her hand came to his crotch, the harder his cock got. He tried to think of something else, he didn't want to embarrass himself, but she was rubbing circles on his inner thigh and licking her lips in a way that made his mouth water.
"Here, luv, let me give you a present." She looked over at him and moved slowly so that she was whispering in his ear. "Would you like that, William?"
Her hand finally brushed his cock and he let out a shuddering breath. "Oh, yes, pet, God, yes."
She set out a line of cocaine on the table and cut it with her ID. Her hand had moved back to his thigh, but his excitement hadn't waned. He was a little nervous about the drugs, but he was ready, this is what he had wanted since he started coming to this place. A new life, one about danger and women and not Tara.
He wasn't exactly positive about what she expected him to do. She asked him if he'd done it before and he assured he that yeah, of course he had, but he knew she didn't believe him. She pushed his head gently to the table and started to stroke him through his pants with more force. He forced down a moan and closed one nostril as he breathed in. It hit him fast and not hard enough to be uncomfortable, but enough to give him a mighty head rush.
He sat back and smiled moving his arm to her back as she kissed his neck and rubbed his now almost painfully hard cock. He moaned now that he was able to and she licked the underside of his jaw. "One more, William, use the other side."
He bent down and quickly finished as Dru freed him from his pants. "Shall I let you come, sweet William?"
He kissed her harshly and brought her other hand to his dick as well. "Yes, Dru, yes, please."
She grabbed a napkin off of their table and started to stroke him in earnest while she bit and sucked at his neck. He moved one hand to her breast and the other slid up under her skirt. "Oh, yes, you naughty boy."
He felt his balls tighten and he cried out as she brushed her thumb over the head and he came into her hands. She cleaned him off and kissed him again. "Come on, pet, let's have some real fun."
"After that, we were damn near inseparable. I stopped talking to everyone, even Xander and Tara. The more they told me they were worried, the more pissed off I got. What I had with Tara was pure, what I had with Dru was dark and vengeful. She wanted me to do things to her..." He stopped and looked away. "Don't think you want to hear anymore, pet."
Buffy turned his face back to hers. "If you need to tell me to move on, I need to hear it."
"It wasn't the coke that I had a problem with, that was just an appetizer."
"These are very special pills, William. I want you to take them, and we'll have a wonderful night."
"Tie it off like this, here's the needle, luv. Oh, you're going to feel so good, Spike, so good after this."
"Take this, and then you can fuck me until we pass out, does that sound good, my sweet, lovely Spike?"
"What all have you done?"
"Think the question you mean is what haven't I done."
"Oh."
"Yeah. Want me to go on?"
"Yes." She kissed him softly and pulled him closer. "I want to know it all."
"Dru liked me rough and bad, she wanted to see me when I was most angry, got her excited, and wet as hell."
"Do you want me to fucking hit you, Dru? I'll do it if you don't shut the bloody hell up about her."
Dru just laughed and pulled him closer whispering in his ear. "Did she let you fuck her like I do? Did she suck you off while others watched? Did she like it when you came in her face?"
"I said to shut the fuck up!" He threw her down and straddled her. "Is this what you want, pet?" he asked cupping his dick that was rapidly hardening. He knew she was trying to get him mad so that he would take it out on her pussy. The shame that it made him hard to hear her beg and cry wasn't enough to stop it.
"There you are, Spike," she said grinning as she rubbed herself against him.
He flipped her over and ripped her dress down the back. Without warning he shoved himself inside her and started to thrust. "Want me to stop, pet, I know it's hurting you."
"I like it, I want you to hurt me, because you like to do it, you like to feel me bed under you."
He didn't deny it, just fucked her harder. "You naughty, naughty, boy, you want it to be her, that's why you won't look at me." She loved taunting him about Tara when he fucked her, it made him angrier which made her hotter.
"You stupid bitch, I fucking hate you." He grabbed her hair and pulled her up so that he could whisper in her ear. "Do you hear me, I hate you."
She just laughed and pulled away from him, tackling him until he was below her and then impaling herself on his cock. "No, dear boy, you love me, and you hate yourself for it." She brought his hands to the headboard and chained them there. "You must want punishment if you give in so easily."
He just looked away and closed his eyes. "You're nothing but mine, William." She slapped his face and forced him to look at her. "Do you understand, nothing if I'm not there, no one loves you but me. You don't even love yourself." She twisted a certain way that made him cry out in ecstasy. "No one can do this to you but me. You wish you could leave but you can't, and no one make you come the way I do. Do you want to come, William?"
He nodded and tried to thrust into her but she held him down. "No, no, there's only one thing to do." She leaned down and whispered in his ear. "I'm the only one who's ever wanted more than your cock, and I'm the only one who ever will, isn't that true?"
He turned his head and tried to hold back the tears. She always hit him with the truth when it hurt the most. He heard her pull back her hand and he opened his eyes to see it coming. She slapped him hard and he jerked helplessly beneath her, coming harder than he had since he fucked her in the alley.
Spike didn't wait for her to react to what he'd revealed about his sexual practices. He'd gotten off on pain, both giving and receiving, fucking her in front of others and most of all on hearing her humiliate him. He'd always felt sick after coming from that, after the orgasm there was nothing to dull the pain of loneliness and rejection. She had him under her thumb to the point where even when they participated in group sex, she had to be touching him if he wanted to come.
"She could make me do anything, and I did everything for her." He took a deep breath and looked away. "Eventually we ran out of money, but we were both up to a few hundred dollar a day habit, and there was no way we could hold down real jobs. We made a bargain with a dealer of ours."
"So, you two are finally that desperate. Have to say, I saw it comin' a mile away." The man sat down in his chair across from them and grinned. "Well, don't just sit there, take off your clothes, boy."
Spike looked over at Dru and she kissed him softly before she moved out of the way. No matter how much shit they gave each other in the bedroom, she always supported him in front of others. No one outside could see anything too twisted about them, just a deep and loyal love.
He swallowed hard and thought of Dru and what they would be getting as he slowly removed all of his clothes and sat on the floor with his legs spread. He closed his eyes and grasped his soft cock, trying to think of Dru to get himself hard enough that this would all be over quickly. It took him a while to get over his nervousness and start to feel himself begin to near orgasm. He had been silent the whole time. The only sounds were those of the heavy breathing of the man across from him.
"Open your eyes, boy, look at me and make some fucking noise."
Spike looked up and saw the man stroking himself. He hated the whole situation, but looking at it made him even sicker. He tried to keep his hard on and look at the man at the same time, it was pretty difficult. Whenever he got a chance he would glace at Dru and seeing her made everything easier for a few seconds. Finally, he felt his balls start to tighten.
"Where... where do you want me... to um..."
"Come closer boy." The man lifted his shirt and indicated his stomach. Spike stroked himself quickly a few times and began to come, just as he started he was pulled down hard and felt the warm semen spurt all over his face. He had to put all of his will into not pulling away or he knew the whole deal would be off even if this wasn't part of it to begin with.
He heard Dru gasp softly in the background and he knew she wasn't happy. Finally the man let him go and pressed a package into his hand. "Next time I might need something better. Be ready to pay up or don't bother coming back."
Spike refused to look up from his feet as he wiped his face with his shirt and put on his jeans and boots. He ran out to the car with Drusilla close behind him. He leaned his head against the wheel and let out the tears that had been building since he walked into the apartment. Dru sat next to him silently looking out the window. He moved to hold her but she pulled away.
"Dru? Baby?"
"I can't, Spike."
"What?"
"Not after that, I need time before I can look at you."
He couldn't believe his ears. She had fucking suggested it, he'd wanted to find another way and she was the one who'd convinced him. "I fucking did this for you, Dru! For us, how the fuck can you do this to me?"
"He's all over you, you reek of him, and I can't bear it. You're all dirty, Spike."
"I ran to Xander's and he took care of me for a while. Dru showed up later and apologized. She said it had just scared her. I didn't tell them what I'd been doing, I thought only Dru could understand, and she used it against me in bed, and it killed me every time that it got me hot."
Buffy was a little shocked, she didn't think things had gotten that out of control, but she didn't really think less of him. She'd had friends who did worse things for the same reasons. He hadn't killed anyone at least.
"So what made you stop it all?'
"The next time he wanted to watch Dru and I... And then he wanted to see her hurt after that... And then he just wanted me."
Buffy hugged him closer, she could feel him start to shudder. "What did he do to you?"
Spike looked more uncomfortable than she'd ever seen him. "He...I'm sure you can imagine."
"Did he ever hurt you?"
Spike instinctively scratched his eyebrow and she traced his scar. "This?"
"He slammed my face into the ground once when I was disobedient."
"Disobedient, Spike do you even hear yourself tell me all this?" He just looked up confused and she sighed. "You know that none of this was your fault?"
"Buffy, I asked for everything I got, this isn't "Good Will Hunting", you can't just tell me that. I wasn't abused as a child. I fucked for drugs and I was good at it, all I was ever good for then."
"Spike, you must know somewhere that that isn't true. You didn't deserve to be taken advantage of because you had a problem. He used all of that against you and Drusilla to get what he wanted. What was this so-called act of disobedience?"
"I wouldn't tell him the truth?"
"What do you mean?"
"He wanted me to admit that I liked it and I wouldn't."
Buffy stared at him for a moment and when he closed his eyes to avoid hers she saw the tears he'd been holding back. "Spike, he was basically raping you. You didn't like it."
He sat up angrily and got out of the bed. "What the fuck do you know? When Dru used to tie me up and beat the shit out of me, I came just from her telling me I liked it. When he used to fuck me til I bled, I loved it, I fucking loved it all! You want me to be the victim here, I wasn't. I was a willing participant and I loved every blood soaked minute of it. I'm a sick fuck and you'd do well to forget about me!"
He hobbled to the door and Buffy caught him and pushed him back onto the bed. "Stop with all this defensive bullshit. I know you've never told anyone about what happened to you. I know you want people to think you're so fucking tough that you can even get off when someone's cutting into your dick," she missed his flinch and continued, "I'm not stupid, Spike, and I'm not forgetting about you. Just because he made you say it doesn't mean you meant it. He was full of shit and so are you right now."
Buffy softened her tone and held his face between her hands. "Drusilla made you think you were nothing, and he took advantage of that and raped you, both of them did in a way. They took away your free will and hurt you in every way they could. No one deserves that, and you most of all."
She pulled him against her and he was silent while tears rolled down his face. "I want to believe it Buffy, but if I do it means that I wasn't strong enough to stop it. I was so weak, and I still am, and I hate it so much."
"Shh... There wasn't much you could have done. Just know it now, Spike. Understand that you can heal. I'll help you to do it, I promise I'm not going to hurt you like that."
"Buffy, I do love you, I really do."
"I know, baby, I know." She pulled them back into their previous positions and they held on tight. "You need to rest now, just rest Spike." She kissed him lightly and he let her rest his head on her breast while she stroked his hair. "We'll start everything over. Do you feel any better?"
"I'm starting to. Please don't tell Tara, I couldn't bear it if she knew."
"I won't tell anyone, I promise." They were silent for a moment and he stilled. "Goodnight, Spike."
"'Night, luv. Thank you for staying."
"Always."
I can't help it
If you might think I'm odd,
If I say I'm not loving you for what you are
But for what you're not.
Everybody will help you
Discover what you set out to find.
But if I can save you any time,
Come on, give it to me,
I'll keep it with mine.