A/N: Ok, I’ve had the shittiest day from shitville so I hope this chapter doesn’t reflect that too much. I kept dreaming about the aftermath of Spike and Xander’s encounter from last chapter so I just had to wrap some things up and keep a thread open in case I want to explore it more. Let me know which parts you like and which you hate, if everyone is completely bored with the whole Xander/Spike thing I’ll leave it, but if people like it I’ll keep going. Keep the reviews coming, and thanks for all who are doing so!
“Sometimes the silence can be like the thunder
Sometimes I wanna take to the road and plunder
Could you ever be true?
I think of you
And I wonder
I'm sick of love; I wish I'd never met you
I'm sick of love; I'm trying to forget you
Just don't know what to do
I'd give anything to
Be with you”
-Bob Dylan, Love Sick
William lay in bed until four o'clock the next day, an hour before his family would return. He pulled the sheets out of the dryer and put them back onto his bed. He checked the guest room to make sure it didn't appear as if he had been in there and then returned to his own bed to try and sleep his loneliness away.
He'd been hoping since Xander had left the day before that maybe his friend would return and allow him to explain and apologize. He didn't think he could go on without anybody around. He didn't have any other friends, he was treated like a freak in school, and worst of all, he was in love with someone whom he could never have. He didn't even have anyone to tell about his loss. No one but Xander would know what William felt, and Xander would hate him for it for the rest of his life.
William pulled the covers over his head and sobbed into his pillow silently. He didn't want to deal with his family when they returned. His father would think he'd been drinking too much again and was just hungover hopefully, and Jenny might have some pity and bring him some water and aspirin. Willow... He'd forgotten about his little sister.
He felt the blood run from his face as he realized that she would see that something had happened. Xander could quite possibly tell her what William had coerced him into and she would hate him too. He didn't want his sister to know how disgusting he was. She was the only other one who really understood him and loved him anyway.
His father would probably want nothing to do with him when he found out, and Jenny would just ignore him. They'd forget about him and move on, that was probably better for them anyway. He was sick and wrong, and they shouldn't let his sister be around to be corrupted by him.
He heard the door open downstairs and he quickly wiped his tears away and tried to stop the shaking and feign sleep. They called out to him from the kitchen but he kept silent, hoping they wouldn't try to talk to him. The door to his room opened and when he heard Jenny's concerned voice he nearly broke out into tears once more.
"William? Are you alright, honey?"
He cleared his voice and tried to sound normal but his voice was ragged. "Umm... I'm not feeling very well. Must have caught something."
He felt her move to sit on the edge of his bed and lay a hand on his back. "Would you like me to get you anything? Some water or soup... Or maybe you need to see the doctor?"
He shook his head and wiped at his tears. She sounded like she cared so much for him, of all the people right now he thought she might understand and just hold him while he cried, but then he heard his father's voice and he burrowed deeper into the covers.
"William? Son, are you quite alright?"
"I think he's got a cold or something, he doesn't sound very good."
"Son, when did you start feeling this way?"
"Rupert, we don't need the details, just let him rest." Jenny glanced back quickly at her step-son and saw his tear stained face as he peeked out to see them leaving. She knew from the second she heard his voice what he was suffering was far from a cold. "Give me a second with him, you go start unpacking."
"Yes, yes, of course."
Jenny moved back to the bed and ran her hand softly through William's loose curls. "If you ever need to talk, Will, about anything at all... I'm always here, honey."
She felt him nod against her hand and she kissed his hair softly before she left him alone. When she closed the door he forced his face into the pillow to muffle his grief.
Buffy smiled down at William as she stroked his hair while he slept, his head pillowed in her lap. He'd come into her room about an hour after her encounter and tried to convince her to do things not in any way related to studying. She'd compromised and allowed him to rest his head in her lap while she read. She realized that the times she'd found him watching her with half lidded eyes in the middle of the night were not isolated occurrences. He'd been awake all night and now he was unable to stay awake.
His brow furrowed occasionally and he'd been making a few pained noises in the past few minutes and she figured that she hadn't cured all of his sleep issues. She tried to smooth away his worry with her caresses, but he continued to toss and turn lightly in his sleep.
"What's going on in there, Spike?"
"Will?"
Willow stepped inside her brother's room and shut the door. He didn't respond but she could tell he was awake, and more than that, she could tell he was crying.
"Will, what's wrong?" She sat on the edge of his bed and rubbed a hand up and down his back slowly. "Please talk to me."
"Get out, Willow."
The coldness in his voice was nearly impossible to discern from the pain. Her heart went out to him, she had absolutely no idea what had happened to him. There weren't any girls that he liked, so nothing could have happened there, nobody had died, he really only had Xander as a friend so there wasn't any problems-
"Will, it's Xander isn't it." He froze under her touch and she understood then all the little things that hadn't been adding up lately. The brief but intimate touches and looks they shared when they thought no one was looking, the way they'd escape together during school and come back looking a little flushed and disheveled. Most of all, there were the plans she'd heard confirmed on the phone before she left for Xander to come over to stay.
"I get it, Will, and it's ok."
He shot out of bed at that and pointed a shaking finger at her. "You don't know a bloody thing! Whatever you think is going on... it's not, he's not like that, we aren't... I, I don't do that.. think that way."
His voice had been faltering since his first angered assertion, by the end of it all, she could barely hear him. She watched him reach for the bed in a daze and sit heavily on it, his eyes staring blankly at the wall. Willow swallowed and walked over to kneel in front of him.
"Will... Whatever you think... You're not bad for feeling that way, it's not wrong or dirty, or any of those things. You didn't do anything wrong."
He looked into her eyes and she could see all the pain and insecurity there. "Willow, please," he whispered harshly.
"Please what? Please don't forgive you? Please tell you that you're wrong because you don't want to have to deal with it. I won't, I don't believe it, and I know that deep down you don't either. Whatever you feel for another person... it's not wrong to love them." She reached up and hugged him close as he cried into her shirt. All of his guilt and shame being washed away by her words.
She stroked his back and whispered endearments in his ear as he calmed, his sobs taking less out of his body and his shaking was almost gone. She pulled back and wiped at his face. "Besides, Will, I've noticed things for a long time, and it's not like Xander doesn't feel the same way."
She watched his face fall and his eyes fill once more. He grimaced and looked away trying to keep himself under control. "Oh.. Oh God, Will. I'm so sorry! He.. I mean, I saw you two, sometimes, together, and I could tell that he felt something. What happened?"
"I... I told him... Something, that I shouldn't have." He looked up at her and smiled ruefully. "I lost him, Red, bloody well lost my best friend."
Willow was pretty sure she knew what he was alluding to, but his reticence to tell her made her keep her deductions to herself. "Will, I just don't know what to-"
"Will?"
The siblings looked up into the tear filled brown eyes of the boy they both called best friend. "Xand? You came... I mean," he cleared his throat and sat up straight. "What are you doing here?"
He looked pointedly at Willow and then back at William and she stood up. "I'll be in my room if you need anything, ok?"
William nodded but his eyes never left Xander's. Willow wondered for a moment if she should leave them alone or kick Xander's ass but she chose to let William fend for herself and with one last look at the brother, she closed the door.
"I... I don't know what I can say."
William couldn't speak, the lump in his throat made it almost impossible to breathe. Xander took a step forward and when William flinched he covered his face and dropped to his knees. "I'm so so sorry, Will. Fuck, when you said that, I was so fucking scared, so goddamn terrified about what that meant."
They were silent for a moment before William managed to find his voice. "Why?"
"I don't know... I don't want to want you.. I mean, I do want you, I care so much for you, Will, but it's so hard."
William moved so that he was standing next to Xander. He sat down next to him and reached out a tentative hand to touch his hair. Xander grabbed his hand and held it to his face, kissing the palm. "I'm so sorry, so very sorry."
William nodded and pulled Xander to him. They rocked together silently, and William understood that Xander was just as confused as he had been, he'd just handled it differently. "Let me make it up to you."
They stood and kissed softly. Xander took his time exploring William's body and making his gasp softly. They broke apart to make sure the door was locked and then William turned on his television to muffle any sounds. It wasn't terribly romantic, but neither was their relationship. Hiding it from everyone and not really understanding an attraction they'd both been made to feel was dirty wasn't exactly the stuff of love poetry.
When they were both naked Xander pulled William on top of him and brought his legs up. William stared at him and realized what he was offering. "Go ahead, Will."
He sat up and buried his face in his hands. "What... what did I do?"
William looked up and brushed the hair from Xander's eyes. "When you want me... to make love to you... that's when I'll do it. It'll be love Xander, I can't pretend anymore."
Xander sat stunned for a moment and then started to gather his clothes. William closed his eyes as he tried to suppress the sting of rejection, but his heart ached with it. Xander moved to the door and stopped. “Still friends, Will?”
William looked up and nodded softly. “Yeah, mate. Always.”
Xander nodded back and left while William covered himself and covered his face with his hands.
Spike woke with a start and found that Buffy was cooing to him softly, holding him in her arms. He realized that he was nearly hyperventilating and he tried to calm his breathing. After only a few minutes he was able to compose himself and he pulled back.
“Sorry, the dreams... sometimes-”
“Don’t apologize, I have nightmares too.”
He nodded and kissed her softly. “I hate ‘em, make me feel all kinds of strange when I get up.” He tried to work the kinks out of his neck and saw her book. “I interrupted your studying.”
She smiled. “Truth be told, I was looking for an interruption. Found the perfect one right here.”
They kissed softly but soon it was developing into something much more heated. Her book was pushed to the floor as Spike allowed her to unbutton his shirt and push it off of his shoulders. She was just reaching for his belt buckle when his phone rang.
“Oh, bloody buggering fuck!” he cursed under his breath, giving her an apologetic look and reaching for his phone. “Better be a bloody emergency, mate, because if it’s not I swear I’ll-”
Buffy noticed his back stiffen under her hand that was stroking him. She knew it was bad the second she got a look at his face and she pulled his shirt off the floor and helped him put it on. He looked at her when he hung up the phone and she could see now in his eyes just how terrified he was.
“What do you need?”
“Hospital.” He grabbed his keys off the table and she stayed his hand.
“Let me drive Spike, you’re too upset.”
He nodded silently and followed her to the car. The drive was so much like the last time’s that Buffy wondered if she hadn’t traveled back in time to before they’d been together. He pulled out a cigarette, but this time she nodded before he could ask.
They arrived and she held his hand tightly as they walked into the ER. He asked for Willow and Tara and she realized that she hadn’t even known who was in trouble.
Something about him was off as they approached the room that Willow was in. He was too tense and angry too, but they hadn’t even known what happened, just that they were hurt, for all they knew it could have been a car accident, or some freak thing that could happen to anybody. She remembered the way he’d reacted when Xander was hurt, and she knew that somehow these two events were connected.
Spike only let go of her hand when he was right next to Willow, he reached out both of his arms and captured her in a hug both passionate and fragile. “God, Willow, I was so bloody worried.”
Willow was hooked up to an IV and there was a bandage around her head and a cast on her wrist, but other than that she looked alright. A few cuts on her face and arms told Buffy that she’d probably been in a fight.
“I’m alright, Spike, I’m ok.” He pulled back and she managed a weak smile for him. “How’s Tara?”
“They won’t let me see her yet. Said maybe... that she’d probably pull through... it’s just shaky now, Red.” It sounded like every word was being ripped out of his chest, and Buffy imagined that’s probably what it felt like for him. His love for Tara, hell for everyone he lived with was so deep and passionate, she was surprised he had room for all that emotion.
The two siblings stared at each other for a minute before Willow broke down completely in Spike’s arms. “It was so horrible, Will, I couldn’t help her, I tried to so hard, and I couldn’t move.”
“Shh, luv, shh. I’ve got you, Will’s got you. I won’t let anything happen to her, you bloody well know that.”
“What if-”
“Don’t even think it, luv. I promised that I’d keep us all safe, and I’m not going to let her go. Don’t you worry you’re pretty head about it.” He swallowed hard and stared into nothing as he gathered the courage to ask her the most important thing.
“You know who it was, lamb?”
Willow nodded and one look in her eyes gave him all the answers he needed.
He stood stiffly and kissed her head softly. “I’m taking bloody well care of it. I left it alone after Xander because I was too fucking caught up in myself, but I’m not letting her touch my girls. I’m going to fucking take care of this now.”
His voice was deadly serious and Buffy shuddered at the severity of his tone. Without another word he turned and stalked out into the hall toward the parking lot.
“Will! Spike! Wait!”
Buffy looked from the door to Willow, unsure of what was happening and what exactly she should be doing about it.
“Buffy, you’ve got to stop him, if he goes out looking for them tonight, he’s going to get himself killed.”
That was all she needed to hear before she shot out behind him calling his name.