A/N: Sorry, sorry, sorry for the wait. I don't plan on that happening again so I should go back to a more regular schedule. Thanks for all the reviews, and please, please keep them coming. A lot of the beginning is Spike/Tara past, but I think now that Spike's pretty much an open book, his stuff is done and Buffy's is going to be more important. So yes, she does have a past, and it will come to haunt her just like everybody else. But, her's isn't as terrible as Spike's.
"Farewell Angelina
The bells of the crown
Are being stolen by bandits
I must follow the sound
The triangle tingles
And the trumpet play slow
Farewell Angelina
The sky is on fire
And I must go.
There's no need for anger
There's no need for blame
There's nothing to prove
Ev'rything's still the same
Just a table standing empty
By the edge of the sea
Farewell Angelina
The sky is trembling
And I must leave."
-Bob Dylan, Farewell Angelina
They sat for a while longer in the car just exchanging soft touches and even softer kisses. Spike seemed to be out of tears for the moment but he was still trembling against her. Eventually, Buffy reminded him that they should go back to check on Tara and Willow and Spike's eyes cleared. He looked panicked for a moment and she stroked his back to calm him while he took a few deep breaths.
"God, I've gotta get back in there."
He moved to open the door but she covered his hand with hers. "Wait, I need you to promise me something."
He looked back at her expectantly and she took his face in her hands. "Please don't go after these people by yourself. Please don't get involved in all of it again." He opened his mouth to speak but she put a finger to his lips. "No, I understand that something had to be done, but we'll work it out together. I don't have to be there when it all goes down, but I want to know, and I want you to be safe about it. Willow seemed really upset and was sure that you might get killed." She paused and made sure he was looking into her eyes. "I'm really too fond of you to let you go now."
He recognized the sentiment behind her words and it touched him. He kissed her and nodded. "I promise. Thank you, Buffy."
She opened the door and they got out of the car holding hands. "Let's go see if we can figure anything more about Tara.
***
It wasn't good news. Spike had squeezed Buffy's hand painfully as they learned of Tara's condition. She'd suffered extensive damage to her head and they weren't sure when, if, or what condition she'd be in upon waking. They had moved her into a room equipped for visitors and after a bit of wrangling, they allowed Spike in to see her. They had tried to get Willow inside as well but she was still being monitored. Buffy decided it would be best if Spike could see her alone. She gave him a tender kiss and cupped his cheek.
He closed his eyes and leaned into her touch. "Thank you, I still can't believe you're being so damn understanding about all my shit."
"Of course I am, Spike."
He looked into her eyes, searching for that little thing he desperately needed but she looked away. There was a short awkward moment but Spike touched her hand and smiled. "Come and get me when you want to leave, luv."
"No, I want you to have all the time you need. I'll just go and sit with Willow. I think Xander and Anya are already in there. You come when you're ready."
He kissed her quickly and turned toward Tara's room.
***
He stood looking into the room for almost ten minutes before he finally entered. He approached her bed warily, the guilt weighing him down even more every step. He finally reached her bed and pulled a chair up next to it. His hands ghosted over her face and arms before he finally found the courage to take her hand in his.
"Tara..." He sighed and put his head down next to hers on the pillow. "Baby, please wake up."
Tears he thought his body couldn't possibly produce anymore of leaked out of his eyes and onto the pillow. He sniffled softly and tried to wipe them away, but more took their place and he gave up. "I'm so... bloody hell Tara, I'm so fucking sorry."
He moved one hand up to touch her face lightly. There were bruises around her eyes and on one temple where she'd been hit. They'd cleaned the blood off of her face, but he could still tell where she was cut. He winced as he touched every part of her that had been wounded and he swore he could feel them himself.
"I can't... there's so much... fuck it all Tara, I love you too much to lose you completely." He began to stroke her cheek. "Remember when we met, I was such a sorry bastard before you. Pinin' after Xander, afraid to talk to the girls, sure I was a queen. Then I saw you in that poetry class, remember? God, it was just a few of us, nobody wanted to take that class. Just me and you, and a bunch of jocks and cheerleaders who had to take it 'cause it was the only thing fitting in their schedules." He chuckled and ran a hand over her brow.
"You blew me away, baby. Knew so bloody much, more than I could ever hope to, and I'd never thought that soulmates existed until then." He kissed her swollen lips and a sob choked him. "I know that I wasn't all that you needed... or wanted, but you made me feel like I was all you saw. Still do sometimes."
"I wanted you to be happy, and I think Willow makes you happy, I know you do it for her. Somethin' about us Giles children, ey, pet?" He put his head back on the pillow and watched her. "Come on back, luv, we all need you here. Hold us together, you do. Come on Tara, if not for me... Red needs you, baby. Wake up."
***
William could barely contain himself on the way to his bedroom. He helped Tara out of the car and half-dragged her into the house. He thanked whatever was up there for keeping Willow out that night as he pulled Tara in for passionate kiss that left his trousers considerably tighter and Tara panting for air.
"You still... I mean.. you're sure, right?"
Tara smiled and kissed him, pulling him up the stairs. "Love you, Will, let me show you."
He gulped and followed her lead, now more nervous than anything. They reached his room and between closing the door and turning to face her, he lost all his nerve.
They stared awkwardly at each other for a moment before Tara moved forward and placed his hand on the zipper of her dress. "Go on, Will."
He swallowed and bent to kiss her as he eased the zipper down and her dress off. He looked down at her in her panties and stockings and nearly came in his pants. She brought his hands up to cup her breasts and they both sighed at the contact.
"Tara, luv... so bloody gorgeous."
She smiled shyly and tugged on his tie until she could take it off. As she began unbuttoning his shirt, he realized that his hands were immobile on her and he began the soft strokes and squeezes that he knew she liked.
Their breathing was labored as she finally undid the last button and pushed his shirt off his shoulders. He didn't want to have to lose contact with her but he shrugged his shirt off quickly anyway and pulled her to him, desperate to feel her breasts against his bare chest. She rubbed herself subtly against his erection and he moaned softly.
"Please... please touch me..." He grasped her wrist with one hand and brought it to his straining cock. She stroked him through his pants until he was gasping for breath and leaning hard against her. She undid the first button of his trousers and the zipper began to descend under the pressure. She helped it along and he sprang out, long, hard, and wet with precum.
She looked down at him, fascinated and he squirmed under her scrutiny. He didn't have any idea what to say, the only other person who'd ever seen him naked was Xander, and he remembered all too well how that turned out. He knelt at her feet and ran his hands up her legs, stopping when he reached her panties and looking up for permission before he pulled them down along with her stockings.
He busied himself with disrobing her completely and covering every inch of flesh with kisses to quell his embarrassment. When she moved to touch him he evaded her and worked harder on pleasing her. He moved her to the bed and after she was laying there, vibrating with need with her eyes closed, he skipped off to turn off the light before she could really see him again.
Tara didn't understand why he was so nervous and avoidy all the sudden. She'd never been able to see him in all his glory, and she wanted to revel in the moment. He was gorgeous, totally beautiful. She'd only seen men in art, but even "David" had nothing on her man. She reached out to touch his thighs and he moved down the bed until he was placing kisses on her stomach just above the hair at the juncture of her thighs.
"Will?"
He looked up but kept coaxing her legs apart. "Yes, luv?"
"Could we... m-maybe have the lights on?"
She felt him tense but he kept up his caresses of her thighs and stomach even if they were getting jerkier. "Why would you want that?"
"I kind of.. w-want to see you."
He noticed then that she'd started to stutter a bit and he felt like a complete and utter fuck-up. She never did that around him, he liked to think he made her feel safe and confident enough that she could overcome it, but apparently he'd screwed everything up.
He stopped everything and moved to lay next to her, staring at the ceiling and clutching the sheets to conceal his nakedness from her. "I'm sorry."
She leaned over him and tried to decipher what he was going through from the look in his eyes. "You d-don't.. That's ok, we can just sleep."
He closed his eyes and tried to restrain himself from jumping out of the bed and trashing the entire room. He'd never felt so stupid in all his life. He'd made a mess of things with Xander, and now he'd done even worse with Tara, the girl he loved more than he'd ever loved anyone.
"William... you're beautiful."
His eyes shot open at that and he turned to look at her full in the face. "What?"
"Are you worried that I might not... that I wouldn't love the way you looked?"
He shrugged and looked away. "You don't have to say anything... I know that... Just, I love you, and you're amazing, and I'm afraid...." He didn't finish his thought, just sat up and pulled on his pants. He'd lost her, he was sure of it. He'd wanted to give her this gift but he should have known sex was a mistake after all that had happened before. They loved each other, he was sure of that, and that was more precious to him than getting off. Normal people could pull it off, but he was far from normal.
"Will, please tell me what's going on."
He turned to her and there were tears in his eyes. "I can't lose you. I fucked everything up last time, and I can't lose you because I do it again."
Tara was a little surprised at the language, he'd rarely uttered a "bloody hell" without apologizing. "What do you mean, 'last time'?"
"Nothing... it's nothing... I think I'll sit outside for a moment. I need the fresh air."
Tara finally moved and grabbed his arm, pulling him back into the bed. "William... don't run away." She kissed him and he sighed into her lips. "I want to know.. I want to help you."
He couldn't tell her, there was absolutely no way she'd ever look at him with love again if he told her about his... whatever it was with Xander. He may not have been wrong or really sick for wanting him, but he'd made a fool of himself, and he wasn't gay, he wanted Tara to see that she really would be his first. Xander was something terrible and secret and painful. Tara was everything beautiful and if it weren't for his proclivity to fall hard and fast, he wouldn't have taken things so far with his friend, he wished he would have waited for her.
"Will... I know.. a-about Xander." He looked at her with a mix of pain, betrayal and fear. "I guess someone knew, or at least it was a rumor. You two... I heard people talking, when we got together. They didn't think.... B-but I never believed that. I thought you w-would tell me, you couldn't have been lying so well, so p-please tell m-me that's n-not true."
He pulled her to him fiercely and wished he could cause just as much pain to each and every one of those people so intent on hurting her and thinking they knew so bloody much about his life as they'd caused Tara.
"No, baby, no, of course not... I mean.. some things, with Xander... but I love you, really, really love.. I'm completely in love with you, he doesn't... Xander and I..." He rolled them so that they were on their sides facing each other. "It's just hard to explain."
She stroked his face and kissed him again. "I want to hear it... i-if you want to tell me."
"Why don't you ask me.. I'll tell you everything you want to know."
She thought for a few moments and made sure she kept touching him to reassure him that she was ok with it. "Did you two.. I guess I mean.. how far did it go?"
"He.. I let him..." He looked up and saw that she understood. "But just once... and we haven't done anything... for a very long time."
"Why not?"
William looked very pained at his point and she considered taking it back, but her took a deep breath and began. "I.. I loved him, and I told him. He's not gay and he wouldn't... He couldn't care for me like that... I was [fucking fag.stupid queer.never be your boyfriend.sick.dirty.wrong.disgusting.] wrong to think of him that way."
Tara had no idea what to say, so when William began to nibble softly at her neck she ran her hands up his arms and closed her eyes, trying to forget that he was still so hurt about Xander. Trying to forget that she'd already hurt him, even if he didn't know it, and she couldn't tell him that part of her wasn't letting him be her beard, no matter how much she wanted to.
"Tell me," he whispered desperately in her ear. "Please."
She held his cheeks between her hands and let the tears fall because she did love him, even if it wasn't enough. "I love you.. I love you, Will, so much."
He kissed her and whispered again and again how sorry he was, how much he wished that he'd have waited for her, how much he wanted to make everything perfect. How much he loved her and wanted to be with her forever.
"Oohhh, Will..." Somehow he'd moved between her thighs and the head of his once more erect cock was prodding at her entrance. His shaking hands tried to open the condom package but she took it from him and then rolled it on. He sighed and rested his head on hers trying to control himself.
"You make me feel so good, baby, so loved."
More tears, and he didn't quite understand, but he was crying a little as well, so maybe that's just how it was when things got this emotional.
"I do love you, Will, believe me."
"I do." He looked into her eyes before pushing inside. She cried out and he buried his face in her neck, kissing her softly, whispering to her, and trying to stop himself from cumming right away. He shuddered above her for a few moments before she tilted her hips and slid farther inside.
"Now, Will."
They rocked together and he never stopped talking, and they never stopped the tears, though they were for different reasons. He reached between them to help her along when he felt himself reaching the point of no return. When she started to tremble and cry out he let himself go and they came together crying out the others' names.
William looked so happy and absolutely in love when he pulled her to him after dropping the used rubber in the trash by the bed. Tara felt selfish and wrong but she tried to let the love she felt for him show on her face.
She'd made love to William, and that was when she knew she'd have to let him go.
***
Spike shot up next to her and shook his head. He hadn't dreamt about Tara, and especially not of that night in a long time. He hated thinking about hot completely clueless he'd been. It made him want to doubt Buffy, hell, doubt everyone. He could reason away Xander's rejection, they were just kids and scared as hell about what caring about another man meant. He could definitely pass by Dru's even if it was hard, she was crazy and if he hadn't been so high he might've realized some things sooner.
Tara had no reason to never love him, to reject him, other than the fact he wasn't right for her. He wasn't enough. He wasn't his sister. The tide of resentment he felt immediately almost drowned him. He'd come close in the past to hating Willow, but he couldn't do it. Thinking about Tara though, it made things a little tougher to ignore.
He shook his head again and thought of Buffy. Beautiful, sweet, understanding Buffy. She knew now all the worst parts of him, she'd been the brunt of a few of his lapses in judgment.
But she still won't say she loves you.
"Will?"
Spike looked over quickly and saw Tara's eyes on him. He smiled a broadly and sincerely as he could considering where his mind was headed and smoothed a hand over her brow. "Hey, baby, how're you feeling?"
"Head hurts. Willow?"
"She's fine, a little banged up, but fine. Shall I get the doctor?"
He didn't really want to be in the same room with her now that she was awake. All the guilt he felt about the whole thing came rushing back and he felt a need to do something really painful to Dru immediately.
"Will, don't do anything stupid. Call Giles, deal with it with him."
Spike clenched his fists and then took a deep breath. "Don't really fancy hearin' dear ol' dad's ranting about my loose ends."
"He's not going to blame you for this. You've come so far, he knows what's happened. He just wants you and Willow safe."
He nodded. "I'll get the doctor then, see if I can get Willow."
He moved to stand up and leave but she touched his hand. "What is it?"
He realized that he'd been taking out his frustration over the old and new on her and it wasn't fair. They'd come to terms with the past long ago, and he wasn't about to open old wounds because he was feeling insecure about Buffy. "I'm sorry."
"Buffy?"
"Something like that. Just a little... I don't know."
"I'm sorry that you have to be wary of everybody you love. It's not fair."
"Nothin' to do about it, pet. No worries, que sera and all that." She knew his tactics better than anyone but Xander and she gave him a look. He sighed and lost the tough act. "I'll be fine, luv," he whispered.
She touched his face and he leaned in and kissed her softly. "I'll take care of it, Willow will be in, I promise. I'll check in later too, yeah?"
"I think maybe you and Buffy should go back home. Rest, Will. I'll be fine."
He nodded, kissed her cheek and walked out without looking back, afraid he'd throw himself into her lap and weep if he did.
***
Spike did some of his best threatening/coercing and Willow was able to see Tara, though only for a while, and they wouldn't release her until tomorrow. Tara would possibly stay longer, but it seemed she was out of the woods. Xander and Anya stuck around and assured Spike that they would call if anything happened and finally he and Buffy were in her car and on their way home.
She was a little surprised when he took her hand and held it tightly on the way back, but she figured he was feeling a little needy after everything at the hospital. She was ready with comfort if he wanted it, she just couldn't stand to see that little boy lost look on his face for too long.
When they reached home, he pulled her into a tight embrace before they could get to the front door. He seemed like he was trying to say something again and again but he could never get it out. She decided the best course of action at this point would be to let him work out whatever it was he needed to and she would just be there for him.
She tugged on him a little and they moved into the house and to his bedroom. She helped him undress and put him in his bed. She wasn't sure if he wanted her to stay so she folded his things and tried to take as much time as she could so that he could ask her if he wanted to. When he remained silent she said goodnight and moved to the door but he grabbed her arm.
"Please?"
She understood just how hard this night had been on him and she nodded without a word. She'd gotten as far as removing her coat when he phone rang. She looked at the caller ID and froze.
"Oh, shit."
Spike looked up and she nearly panicked before she shook her head at him and answered.
"Hi.... umm, can you give me a minute? Ok, thanks."
She moved to the bed next to Spike and ran a hand over his hair. "I'll be back in just a few minutes, ok, baby?"
He nodded and gave her that look again, and she couldn't resist kissing the top of his head before stepping outside. She walked until she was in the front of the house near her car before she took a breath and put the phone to her ear.
"Hi, Riley, sorry."
"I haven't heard from you in a while."
She thought of something to say but he spoke first.
"I guess this is it then?"
"I'm sorry."
"Is it Spike?"
"Riley..."
"Of course it is." He tried not to sound angry, but it didn't work. "Can you just... Why?"
"Riley, please."
"No, Buffy, I think I at least deserve a reason. Are you sleeping with him already, that where you were?"
"Riley, that's not fair."
"Why isn't it. I do the right thing, let you have time, and you shack up with him without even a word to your actual boyfriend."
"I know it was bad, but sometimes things just can't be helped."
"Yeah." She could hear how tight his voice was and she felt horrible for doing this to him.
"I'm sorry."
"You said that already, can you answer my question."
"What?"
"Why him?"
Buffy thought for a moment. She'd never really considered why she was able to fall so fast and hard for Spike, and she really hadn't considered the fact she could forget Riley existed for days. Why was she with Spike, they hadn't even established what they were, and he loved her but... she hadn't said the same. Hadn't said it, there had been something holding her back.
"Buffy?"
"Hold on?"
She was getting to something. Something key, it was almost like she could feel her reservations falling away and she wasn't sure why. Then it hit her. She wasn't ready because she didn't know him. She thought she knew him, but he had left something out, and she had sensed it. Now she was ready. Oh wow.
"I love him."
***
Spike was getting nervous. He didn't know why she had left, someone was on the phone and she didn't look very happy about it. He could only think of one person that would make her that nervous that he knew of and that thought scared him more than he'd like to admit.
After all of his worry and her care, if Riley phoned and she left to be with him....
He couldn't even think about it. His heart sped up, his breathing was getting a little labored and he realized his hands were shaking. He was panicking. Shit, he was having a fucking panic attack, and he hadn't had one since he was a teenager.
His eyes darted around the room for a reason to calm down. He tried to take deep breaths but he was choking on nothing, he couldn't breathe.
He clutched the bedsheets and closed his eyes searching for some kind of peace but all he could see was Riley and Buffy, Riley on his Buffy, Riley fucking Buffy.
He was driving himself insane, going crazy and he couldn't move.
The door opened but he didn't notice, he was too involved in the hell he'd created for himself where Buffy laughed while she fucked that creep and let Spike see how much she really cared for him.
"Spike? Spike, oh my god, what's wrong?"
He looked at her, there, in his bed, no Riley and part of him was ok again, but his body had yet to respond. He closed his eyes and tried to breathe and slowly he was starting to be able to again. He grabbed at her hands and she held him close.
They rocked for a moment and she whispered to him as he relaxed. Finally after what seemed to him like hours, he was ok.
"Sorry.. sorry, luv."
"What happened?"
"Just got a little panicked, probably just the adrenaline. Like shock leftover from the hospital."
He didn't sound very sure of that but she let it slide. "Let me get undressed and we can just lay down, ok?"
He nodded and she stripped down her panties and pulled on his shirt. She climbed into bed next to him and he buried his face once again in her neck. "Love you... Love you, Buffy."
She pulled back from him and looked him in the eyes. The thought of telling him was starting to scare her but she refused to lose her nerve. "Spike... I love you too."
She watched as a million emotions flitted across his face, but she latched onto joy and he seemed to as well. He pulled her to him and kissed her passionately, but with enough tenderness to show her he was still a little wary of the whole thing.
"Oh, Buffy, God, luv! You... oh, baby, so good to me."
Their kissing turned into a bit more but before too much could happen, Spike pulled back. "I'm not sure... we should maybe wait still. I want it to be bloody perfect, Buffy, tonight's been so crazy-"
"I know, and I think you're right." She nuzzled his cheek and smiled when she felt him do the same. "Sleeping with you, I love that. Waking up with you is even better."
"Mmmm...."
He was already drifting off, and she didn't blame him, it had been a long day.
"Tell me again."
"I love you."
"Again."
She smiled and kissed his neck. "Love you, love you, love you. Good?'
"For now I s'pose," he mumbled into her neck before slipping into sleep.