A/N: More soon, please, please review. Chapters come sooner.

-Bob Dylan, Cold Irons Bound

The weeks passed quickly after the episode with Dru and after that night Spike tried to push her as far out of his mind as he could and focus on Buffy. Things on that front were going well, though getting increasingly frustrating. They'd come close to consummating things but something always stopped them. Either their own insecurities or knocks at the door. It was getting to the point where they were sure that their housemates were purposely interrupting.

They continued to sleep in the same bed every night, however much they were tempting fate by doing so. Spike really couldn't stand to be alone the week after Dru and Buffy didn't really want to leave and after that it just became an unspoken thing between them.

There was a constant barrage of questions from their friends. Neither of the blondes were giving any clues though. They were unaware of the betting going on behind their backs. Anya and Willow were sure they were having sex but Tara and Xander knew better. The stakes were getting pretty high, and if the couple in question weren't so caught up in each other they would have noticed the pointed stares and inquisitive eyes whenever they stepped out of the bedroom.

It was a week before Winter break and Buffy was getting more and more anxious about her plans. Spike hadn’t mentioned anything and she wondered if maybe they were just staying at the house. If he did want to go somewhere she wasn’t sure she could afford it. With so much school she’d had to cut back on her hours and she was scraping by with the rent and other necessities.

Spike on the other hand was just as nervous about the break but for a different reason. He wanted to ask Buffy to come with him to New York with Willow and Tara, and possibly Xander and Anya for Christmas but he wasn’t sure if she would agree to stay with him during the holidays instead of her family. He hadn’t gone a Christmas without his father and Willow, barring his time with Dru, since Willow had come to live with him and he didn’t ever want to miss one again. Especially with his improving, though tentatively, relationship with his father.

They were laying in bed four days before school ended and both were stiff as boards on their backs with their arms lightly brushing each other.

“Buffy?”

“Yeah?”

Spike propped himself up on his elbow so that he could see her face. “I was thinking...”

“Yes?”

“Maybe... if you don’t have other plans... My father owns this place in Woodstock, you know, New York... We usually go up there for Christmas...” He paused and tried to gauge her reaction but he couldn’t read her. “I want you to come with me... If you’ve got something else it’s ok, I get it, I mean-”

“Spike, yes of course.” She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down to kiss him passionately.

He pulled back and looked at her. “Yeah?”

“Of course, silly, what did you think I would say?”

“Well, I don’t know, family and stuff.”

Buffy stared at his chest trying not to let the tears that were forming fall. Finally she got herself under control and looked up at him. “This is my family, Spike. You and everybody here, and your father, he’s so sweet and welcoming. I’ve never felt so at home since...”

She trailed off and he pulled her to him gently knowing that her mother’s death still hit her hard sometimes. “I know, baby. Shh..”

She squeezed him and then leaned back. “I’m ok.” They remained on their sides tracing patterns on the other’s skin until they were both completely fine. “Wait, Spike. New York, I don’t think I can aff-”

“Shh. I’ve got it, luv.”

“Spike-”

“No, no arguments, it doesn’t hurt me to buy you a ticket. My dad pays for Xander and Anya every year, I can take care of you.”

“Yeah, but Xander’s like his other son, and Anya-”

“Is like that son’s girlfriend. What do you think you are, pet?”

She looked at him and smiled shyly. “Is that what you told him?”

Spike kissed her and rolled them until he was on top. “Bloody hell, Buffy, what did you think, I was just desperate to shag you so I poured my whole soul out to you? I love you.”

“I know, it’s just... We never really established anything.” She looked up at him and kissed the incredulous look off his face. “Nevermind, just kiss me.”

Spike obliged and before they really understood what was happening Buffy’s t-shirt was off and Spike’s face was between her legs. She gripped his hair in her hands and tried to keep her cries quiet knowing how thin the walls were. That or Anya had super-sensitive hearing.

“Spike... ohhh God, please...”

He looked up and grinned, two of his fingers still pumping inside her. “Please what, baby?”

Buffy thrashed her head from side to side as his thumb played with her clit, his mouth descending every few seconds to aid his hand. “You... I want... I want you inside me.. please, your....”

Spike gripped his cock and tried not to come at her words. “My what?” he managed to gasp out.

“Buffy looked him directly in the eyes and put her palm to his cheek. “Your cock... I want it inside me.”

Spike groaned and moved up her body kissing every part he could find on his way. “Buffy, fucking hell... what you do to me...”

He positioned his cock at her entrance and kissed her. She thrust her hips up and he nearly slipped inside, but something held him off. “Fuck...”

“Yes, fuck me..”

“No, wait, Buffy.”

She looked up at him and he reached over to rummage around in his bedside drawer. He started to look panicked and Buffy sat up to help him. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

“It’s ok, just pull out.”

Spike shook his head and kissed her. “I want to be inside you... when...”

Buffy sighed and nodded. She didn’t exactly envision their first time together to be like this anyway, frenzied and spontaneous. Spike rolled off of her and stayed on his back panting and trying to calm himself. His cock was really going to kill him this time, he couldn’t remember being harder for her, or anyone.

Buffy straddled him suddenly and he looked up at her questioningly. She reached for his cock and propped herself above him. He thought she was going to impale herself on him and sod the consequences and he reached for her hips but she just began to stroke him while rubbing the head around her clit, stimulating them both.

“Oh, fuck...”

“There are... other.. things...” she said panting above him. Her hand that was on his shaft stopped stroking and moved down between his cheeks. He groaned loudly and thrust his hips up bumping her clit harder and causing her to cry out loudly.

“Do you have anything?”

He grinned and took her questing finger. He slid it from him and into her gathering as much of he essence as he could. She was barely holding on at this point and he was glad. As soon as her dainty little finger found its way up his ass he’d be lost. He moved her finger back between his legs and she smiled at him.

“I’m gonna cum very soon if you do that, sweet.”

Buffy just rubbed herself against him faster and began sliding her finger inside him.

“Ahhhhh, Buffy, fuck!” He pumped his hips against her hand and she began to quiver above him. The sight of her ecstasy blew him over the edge. “Buffy, I’m... fuckfuckfuck..I love you, Buffy!”

“Spike!” Her orgasm hit her as she angled his cock toward her stomach and rubbed against the shaft. He cried out her name as well and shot all over the both of them. Buffy collapsed against his chest panting.

“You’re fucking amazing... never seen anything so bloody beautiful...”

Buffy couldn’t speak just nodded against his neck and caught her breath.

“Spike?”

“Hmm?”

“Woodstock?”

He opened his eyes to look at her but she still had hers closed. “Yeah?”

“No interruptions, and I’m going on the damn pill.”

He chuckled and pulled her closer. The remained together like that until the sweat on their bodies began to cool them off too quickly. Spike moved to pull the sheets around them but Buffy sat up and looked between them. They stared at themselves for a moment before they both broke out in giggles.

“Made a bit of a mess, I guess.”

“A bit?!”

Spike tackled her onto her back and pulled the sheet over to clean her off. “Hey, you’re the one with the bright idea of pleasuring yourself with my cock. How could you expect me to hold off, especially when you do that wriggling with your finger?”

She giggled again and he leaned down to kiss her. “We should change the sheets.”

Spike finished cleaning himself and raised an eyebrow. “You think?”

She stared at him for a moment before he sighed. “You’ve got to be kidding.”

“Please... I’m so tired and I have to get up early, and you just wore me out.”

He sat up and pulled on his jeans before looking back at her. “This how it’s gonna be, me your willing slave?”

She got onto her knees on the bed and he came to her so she could wrap her arms around his neck. “Mmmm, I like the sound of that,” she said before she kissed him.

He snorted and walked to the door. “I just bet you do.”

***

“Xand?”

Xander looked up to see Spike at his door. He smiled and gestured for him to come in. Spike closed the door behind him and sat on the bed.

“What’s up, man?”

Spike fidgeted a bit with the bedspread and Xander realized that this was serious talk time. “You and Anya are comin’ to Woodstock, right?”

Xander sat down next to his friend and put a hand on his shoulder. “Yeah, of course. What’s wrong?”

Spike shrugged and Xander sighed. “Come on, tell the Xan-man all your problems.”

Spike snorted but remained otherwise silent and Xander put a hand on his cheek to force the blonde to face him. “What is it, something with Buffy?”

Spike kept his eyes down. “I think... She’s coming for Christmas, and I think we’re gonna...” Spike saw that Xander had no idea so he sighed and continued. “We haven’t had sex yet, I think we will on the trip.”

“Oh yeah, not so broke after all.”

“What?”

“Nothing, nevermind. Ok, so you two are gonna do the horizontal tango, so what? She’s not a virgin is she?”

Spike shook his head. “No, it’s not that... Xander...”

Xander saw the look in Spike’s eyes and understood. A flash of guilt stabbed through him. He and Tara were just as, if not more responsible for Spike’s insecurities as Dru, and it killed him.

“Spike...”

“I know, I know. It’s different now... I just... it’s like she’s really the one, y’know? Like, she’s more important to me than anything, and I’ve never felt this way about anyone. Not Tara, not Dru...” He looked at Xander and the brunette looked away, irrationally jealous and annoyed with himself.

“Spike, what are you worried about. She told you she loves you, long before, with not ulterior motives. She wants to wait, she wants it to work. Maybe you’ve never felt this way because no one’s ever really given you a chance to.” We fucked it all up and I’m so sorry, so fucking sorry, Will.

“I’m not doubting her. She’s wonderful, so understanding and I know she loves me, I believe her when she says it, really believe her and I always had a doubt when anyone else told me, even Tara. Guess instinct was helping me out, though I didn’t listen.”

“Well if it’s not her, then what is it?”

Spike leaned forward and buried his face in his hands. “Dru.”

That was the last thing Xander expected to hear. That bitch was long gone and good riddance last he heard. “What about her?”

Spike just shook his head and Xander noticed the rest of him was shaking as well. “Will?”

“She touched me and I let her... I wanted her to... I wanted.... Fuck I don’t even know!”

Xander rubbed a hand up and down Spike’s back and tried to understand. “When you say-”

“I didn’t do anything, I just... just let her get to me.” Spike’s voice cracked and he felt the tears he’d been holding in for weeks find their way out. “She has this power over me. I can’t walk away from her, I can’t tell her no. Fucking hell, she gets me hard with a few words and the feel of her against me. If she wasn’t gone... I don’t know where I’d be.”

Xander pulled his friend up and into his embrace as Spike sobbed out his secrets and fears. “I love Buffy, with everything I am, everything I have anyway... But Dru owns some part of me, she’s got me under her bloody thumb and I can’t get away.”

“Shh, it’s ok, she’s gone.”

“If she ever comes back... I let her do those things to you and Tara and Willow, I didn’t want to believe it was her. I didn’t want to have to hurt her, fuck I feel guilty every day that I think about where she is, what she must be going through.”

“Jesus Christ, Will, the woman fucked with your head and let you get the shit kicked out of you, not to mention fucked out of you for a year. She damn near killed you and now you’re saying you feel guilty for giving her over to the cops. She got off easy.”

Spike buried his face in Xander’s shirt and his sobs didn’t lessen. “I want her... I want her so badly... I’m not a man without her.”

“Xander pulled back and forced Spike to look at him. “William, you are a man, you are loved and you love and you are good. You get around her and she makes you like getting kicked around but it’s just a headfuck, it’s not real. You don’t like being used.”

Spike remembered the absolute bliss he felt in her cold embrace. He remembered her words [disgusting, wrong, dirty, filthy, stupid, beneath me] and they made him hard.

“Xander...”

“Will, stop it.” Spike looked at Xander for a moment before he collapsed again almost hysterical.

“I’m sorry, so so sorry... God I don’t deserve her, I’m so fucked, what can I offer her?”

“William, listen to me.” Spike looked up and Xander cupped his cheeks with his hands. “You love her, and when you love someone, they know that they’re the center of your universe and it feels so good, so safe there. You don’t let them down, you give them everything you have, even if it’s a little damaged now, it’s worth just as much. You’re hurt and in pain and you’ve got a lot of problems right now, but it’s only been a year, Will. You’ve only been away from Dru and all that stuff for a year, and you haven’t had a real relapse. You let Dru get to you for a moment, but you stopped it, you turned her in, and she can’t hurt us anymore. You deserve better, and Buffy’s gonna teach you that.”

Xander kissed his friend softly and tried to convey how sorry he was for starting Spike down this road in the first place.

“Don’t blame yourself, Xand. I make my own choices.”

“I know, but-”

“No buts. You’re a good friend, and I love you.”

“Love you too, Will.”

Spike stood up and looked in the mirror trying to make himself look more presentable so that Buffy wouldn’t ask what had happened. “I had to tell someone, Xand, just couldn’t hold it in anymore. You’re the only one who understands.”

“I’m always here, Will, always.”

Spike nodded and walked out to meet Buffy.