A/N: This chapter deals with a lot of history. Not much more than wistful thinking Spuffiness, so if that’s all that you’re looking for, just wait for the upcoming chapters. A lot of this story will deal with relationships from the past and their impact on those characters’ futures. Please let me know if you like where this is going. The song in this chapter is called “Abandoned Love” by Bob Dylan.
“I can hear the turning of the key
I've been deceived by the clown inside of me.
I thought that he was righteous but he's vain
Oh, something's a-telling me I wear the ball and chain.
My patron saint is a-fighting with a ghost
He's always off somewhere when I need him most.
The Spanish moon is rising on the hill
But my heart is a-tellin' me I love ya still.”
"So wait, let me get this straight, Xander and Anya are in love, but so off-again-on-again that most of the time they just annoy each other and everyone else with their unresolved sexual tension?"
"Right, and Spike and Anya have the occasional marathon, but they've never been serious, although they are almost as close as we are with him."
Buffy, Willow, and Tara sat together in the couple's room surrounded by copious amounts of chocolate and ice cream. After Spike left Buffy quivering and full of questions in the kitchen the grinning lovers each grabbed and arm and took Buffy upstairs to explain the strange dynamics of her new home.
"So what's the story with you three, I can see something is there that you guys aren't telling me."
Tara glanced at Willow and she nodded. "It's kind of a long story, sure you wanna hear it?"
Buffy leaned back against the wall and settled in with a pint of Half Baked. She was more than sure, she was absolutely positive. This guy had gotten under her skin with a kiss to her hand and a sexy smirk, she wanted to know everything about him.
Tara sighed, seeing Buffy's version of Willow's resolve face on the pretty blonde. "I met Spike right after I moved to California from Utah. He wasn't exactly the Spike you see today, he didn't even go by that name. So really, I met William when I was just a junior in high school living with my rebel aunt so that I could get away from my family."
"Umm, well, you see I was wondering, and you don't have to say anything at all if you don't want, and I know this is a long shot, but I've seen you around a lot, and I really like what you have to say in class, and you seem like a really nice girl, different from the others, and-"
"William?"
He looked up from under his unruly mop of golden brown hair. "Yes?"
"Would you like to go out some time?"
Buffy smiled at the thought of the man she'd met downstairs, practically a walking embodiment of sex encased in black leather, once being the shy, tweed wearing, bookworm Tara was describing.
"When I first came to live with Spike, just a year before Tara got here, he was even more inept at talking to girls," Willow added with a giggle.
"Wait a minute, Willow. You didn't grow up with Spike?"
"Oh no, sorry. Spike and I have different mothers. He's a year older than me, born in England, lived there until he was fourteen. His mom died giving birth, and he's pretty sensitive about it, just so you know."
Buffy nodded, she knew all to well what it was like to lose a mother. She swallowed back tears and motioned for Willow to continue.
The redhead looked a little worried, but kept talking. "Our dad was over here for about three months just after the funeral with family, Spike's mom was American, and he hooked up with my mother, an old friend of his. From what we can tell it was a kind of comfort thing that resulted in moi. My mother didn't want a relationship and so she never told dad until she decided running off to Spain with her new boy toy was going to be more fun than raising a daughter. Spike and dad moved here and we automatically hit it off, we've been like best friends ever since."
Buffy was surprised Willow was so nonchalant about her mother abandoning her. After Buffy's mother's funeral, her own father had set up a bank account for her and pumped money into it every month, but that was all the contact she had with the man she barely knew. She suspected the only reason he did that much for her was the guilt of screwing around on his wife in Europe while she died of cancer with only her teenage daughter to care for her.
She shook her head to clear it of thoughts of her negligent father and looked at Tara. "Ok, so I get the whole family thing, let's hear the rest. How did you go from one sibling to another, I'm really interested in the part where you explain the whole brother to sister, man to female attraction thing."
Tara smiled. "I guess I always knew that I was attracted to women, and not so much men. William was the only guy who I'd ever even looked twice at, let alone pursue. There was just something about him that was irresistible to me," she paused and looked at Buffy. "Maybe you know what I'm talking about."
Buffy blushed and ducked her head, if he looked at all similar, if he had the same eyes, she knew exactly what she was talking about.
"We kind of fell for each other really fast, but at the same time I was becoming really good friends with Willow and I started to feel things for her, some of them more strongly than I did for Will, but I just pushed them aside. I really did love him, I still do, but I was just lying to everyone about who I was in love with."
"Tara, luv, I know we're young, and I know we've only been seeing each other for a few months, but there's something I need to tell you, and I hope it doesn't scare you, and you don't have to say anything, I just need to let you know-"
"Will, I love you too."
“I come back to the town from the flaming moon
I see you in the streets, I begin to swoon.
I love to see you dress before the mirror
Won't you let me in your room one time 'fore I finally disappear?”
"So what happened, what made you guys realize that it wasn't just a friendship that you both wanted?"
"William won a poetry contest and he was able to go to a huge conference in Boston. I was going to go with him, but my parents showed up in California and all hell broke loose. He wanted to stay and help me through, but he had a lot of scholarship money riding on the conference so I practically forced him to go without me."
Willow reached over and squeezed Tara's hand, smiling shyly. "Spike and I were both really upset about what was happening to Tara, before he left he told me that he was counting on me to take care of her."
"I'm guessing you took that request to heart." Buffy got her answer in the smile shared by the lovers.
"We were both terribly confused at this point, and with my parents threatening to make me go back with them and dealing silently with whatever it was we were feeling for each other. Everything was shot to hell, I was trying to call William, but we kept getting cut off. I could tell he was terribly upset, and probably not making the best impressions on the people he needed to. Willow came over, we were alone-"
"Let me guess, one thing led to another and the next thing you know you wake up next to your boyfriend's sister."
“Everybody's wearing a disguise
To hide what they've got left behind their eyes.
But me, I can't cover what I am
Wherever the children go I'll follow them.
I march in the parade of liberty
But as long as I love you I'm not free.
How long must I suffer such abuse
Won't you let me see you smile one time before I turn you loose?”
Tara grinned and Willow laughed out loud. "We kissed, that was it. Granted the kiss went on for about ten minutes, but after that we vowed to keep it platonic. We both loved Spike, though not in the way Tara did, we may be fucked up, but at least we escaped the incest taboo."
"Will came home, my parents left me alone in the end, and Willow and I thought that everything was over between us, I started to focus more on Will, Willow and I hung out less, she actually found someone else."
"Wow, that's brave of you Willow, how did Spike react when you told him you were gay?"
Willow ducked her head and smiled sheepishly. "Someone else was a guy named Oz."
"You guys are fucked up," Buffy said before digging into her ice cream.
"Prom was coming up, I went with Oz, he was a senior, and Tara went with Spike. We both decided to give into the cliche. At least Tara was actually in love with the guy."
"Tara, pet, oh God, I want you so much," he gasped, "need to be with you, luv, need it so much." He froze the second the words were out of his mouth and tried to recover, "but I can wait, I mean, I'm sorry, I mean, I didn't want to bring it up like this. I mean, I just, can't stop thinking about you, luv, I love you so bloody much, I mean, I'm just a bad, rude, man." William hung his head in shame. He hadn't counted on letting things progress so far tonight, he'd been warring with himself for months, trying to keep his hormones in check around her. Tara was his goddess, his queen, his everything. He would wait forever for her, he didn't want to pressure her into anything, didn't want her to think he was that type of boy.
When she kissed him a certain way and her hand managed to find its way over the considerable bulge in his pants however, all this good intentions flew out the car window.
"You know, for a guy with so much skill in the poetry department, you really have a hard time saying what's on your mind around me."
William tried to smile, but he was so embarrassed and angry with himself for bringing it up that he couldn't even look her in the eye.
"Hey, listen to me, Will." She tipped his chin up so that he was facing her and placed a small, chaste kiss on his swollen lips. "You know I love you, right?"
His eyes flew up and he cupped her face in his hands. "Oh yes, luv, God yes, and I love you too, so much, I just want to be the man you deserve." He pulled her close and buried his face in her neck. Tears stung the backs of his eyes but he refused to let them fall and make him an even bigger prat than he already was. "I'm not even a man, I can't even talk to you properly. I can be such a fool around you sometimes. I just want everything to be perfect, 's all. It's what you deserve, less than, I should say."
He pulled back from her and kissed her softly then brushed her hair back and smiled sadly. "I'll just take you back then, shall I, luv. We can do something tomorrow, go to that poetry reading, see that movie you wanted to go to, whatever you want."
Tara leaned in and whispered in his ear, "What if I just want to wake up with you and take it from there?"
William's erection which had not abated at all during his embarrassment, due largely to the fact that Tara's hand still rested in his lap, occasionally stroking lightly, hardened to a painful intensity at her words.
"What do you- I mean, are you sure?"
Tara smiled shyly and looked him in the eye. "As sure as I've ever been about anything. I love you William, and I need you too."
William's grin was as wide as she'd ever seen it, and the open vulnerability in his eyes made Tara's heart ache. He pulled her to him and buried his face in her hair. "God, Tara, I love you. You make me feel so- You make me think I can be a man for you, be what you need." He pulled back and kissed her with all the passion he'd been fighting against since the moment he'd seen her, trying to show her how intense and consuming his love for her really was. She was the only one that had ever rendered him speechless so tonight he would abandon words and show her with his whole soul just what she meant to him.
"Let's get out of here, yeah? My dad's out of town, we'll wake up together, I'll make you breakfast, or we can sleep in if you want, whatever you want, pet, anything, it'll be perfect, just ask and-"
Tara shut him up with a kiss. "Will?"
"Yeah?"
"Just get us there first."
"So you didn't care for Oz at all?"
"No, I did, I really did, I mean, I think I could have loved him, but Tara and I," Willow sighed and couldn't help but lean over and kiss her love, "it was something I couldn't get out of my head, she at least had met and fallen for Will before I was really in the picture."
"I'm guessing Spike was a virgin too, then Tara? The hottie I met today wouldn't have been able to hold the girls off until he was eighteen."
Tara smiled as Willow made silent gagging motions behind her. "He really wasn't at all like he is now, he wasn't comfortable with himself, and certainly not with sex." Tara looked back at Willow then moved close to whisper in Buffy's ear, "he was very willing to experiment, though. And let me tell you, I may not have any other man to compare him to, but sometimes you just know when you've had the best."
She winked and sat back down next to Willow who was warily taking her fingers out of her ears. "You both do realize that while Spike is decent looking, he is my brother, and his sexual escapades, especially those with the woman I love, are not the most pleasant topics of conversation."
Tara just shoved Willow playfully then gave her a kiss so hot Buffy was questioning her heterosexuality. "Talking about Spike still making you irrationally jealous and defensive?"
Willow just smiled and they both turned shy, sheepish heads toward Buffy. "Sorry," they muttered quietly.
"Ok, so I get William, but where the hell did Spike come from? William doesn't seem the type to sleep with Anya recreationally."
Willow and Tara heard a hint of jealousy in Buffy's voice but settled for a secret smile and didn't mention it. "Well, obviously, things between Will and I didn't last."
William didn't believe it. He was drunk, or high, or dreaming, or something, but this couldn‘t be real. There was absolutely no way in hell he was witnessing his sister and the love of his life giving each other what had to be the most exquisite pleasure judging from the sounds they were making.
His hand clenched around the flowers he was carrying and the stems began to snap. He was shaking all over, there was an uncomfortable and terrible heat spreading throughout his body. He’d never felt such a mix of rage, pain, betrayal and confusion sweep through him before. He wanted to run but he couldn’t feel any part of his body but where the thorns in the roses were digging into his palms and the blood was running out through his clenched fist.
They’d had an argument, it was something stupid. She hadn’t wanted to be intimate with him for about a week and he’d finally gotten frustrated enough to call her on it. He hadn’t understood why she was being so cold when for almost half a year they’d been enjoying a fairly active sex life.
Now it was all clear to him, and he’d never wanted anything as badly as to be anywhere but there at that moment.
He heard something making an awful, primal sound, like something being tortured to death. He realized it was him the moment Tara looked up and saw his tear streaked face and bloody fist.
The guilt in her eyes, and then in Willow’s only enraged him further and he took a step forward to-
But he stopped when he realized there was nothing he could do. He loved his little sister more than he loved himself, he’d do anything for her, and he loved Tara even more. They didn’t need him, didn’t really love him, and they clearly didn’t want him around. There was silence in the room when he stepped forward and gently laid the mangled flowers on the dresser next to the bed, he tried to smooth the petals but they just stuck to his hand where he had cut himself.
Tara shifted and opened her mouth but he held up a hand and hung his head. “I’m sorry, I interrupted.” He choked on his words and only then realized that he was sobbing silently, his body shaking. “I’ll just- I’m just, so, so sorry.”
Willow and Tara were in shock. Why was he apologizing? How could they have possibly done this to him?
William’s words cut through their thoughts. “I just, I thought maybe-” He shook his head roughly. “No, no, that was stupid. Foolish, love sick William.” He rubbed his face and didn’t seem to notice the blood that mingled with his tears. Tara ached to go to him, but she was paralyzed. “I just want you to be happy, you both. So bloody, fucking, happy.”
He turned and ran, they could hear his sobs until his car’s engine cut them off.
“I've given up the game, I've got to leave,
The pot of gold is only make-believe.
The treasure can't be found by men who search
Whose gods are dead and whose queens are in the church.
We sat in an empty theater and we kissed,
I asked ya please to cross me off-a your list.
My head tells me it's time to make a change
But my heart is telling me I love ya but you're strange.”
“Oh, Jesus, what happened to him?”
Buffy could tell the story was still painful for Tara and Willow. She could tell that they really did love him. “Nobody could find him for a few days. We were terrified that he had done something to himself. I can’t even describe to you the way he sounded, the way he looked, it was terrible. We hated ourselves for it.”
“But Tara found him,” Willow interrupted, smiling wanly. “They had a place in the woods that they’d go to, this old abandoned chapel type thing. He was there for three days, just drinking and thinking I guess.”
“Will?”
She heard someone moving inside the chapel and when she looked over she saw him, dirty and in pain, but thankfully alive.
“Will, it’s me.”
“Tara?” He hugged himself closer and she could tell he’d been crying recently when he sniffled a bit. “Why did you do it, baby?”
“It’s hard, Will. Just really fucked up, really complicated.”
He shook his head, still not looking at her. “You love her.”
It wasn’t a question, but she answered anyway. “Yes, so much. I’m so sorry, Will.”
He looked up and Tara expected resentment, betrayal, hatred. Anything but what she got. He looked at her like she was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen but he knew that he couldn’t touch her. It was acceptance and love, and she decided then that sometimes he had more love than Jesus to give.
“He came home, cleaned up, gave us his blessing and refused to hear any apologies. He was sad, I could tell, and I knew it was hard for him to see me happy, but he’s the best brother in the world, and he never held it against us. I don’t deserve him.”
Buffy was blown away by it all. This guy was unbelievable, but somehow, she had known from the moment she’d looked into his eyes that he was extraordinary, if a little sad.
“All this talk about perfect siblings, I’m gonna have to call my sister.” It was quiet for a moment, but then Buffy spoke up again. “Wait, that still doesn’t explain why he’s all black leather and sex though.”
“Yeah, so after this, William decided he needed a whole new life, he couldn’t really stand to see us together so he started to go out a lot. He hadn’t really had a lot of friends in high school, so he needed to find some people to hang out with now that Tara was gone. He met Dru in a poetry workshop and she decided he could use a makeover. Hence the new look.”
“She give him the attitude too?”
Tara and Willow exchanged a look and Buffy had a feeling she was going to get a seriously edited version of Spike’s next tragic love affair. “I suppose you could say Dru had a lot to do with it, but Spike was inside William all along. Just needed a catalyst.”
“Where’s the nickname from?”
“He started fighting a lot for Dru’s honor, I swear, she’d do things purposely just so she could get my brother to fight. He was pretty rough, I guess he threatened some guy with a railroad spike at some point, and Dru christened him thus.”
“Wow, what happened with her, or are they still an item?”
Willow shuddered almost imperceptibly but Tara’s instinctive hug confirmed Buffy’s suspicions. “She got him in a lot of trouble, but he realized it and got away. I don’t know where she is now.”
Buffy looked down and realized her ice cream was gone. “Well, you guys weren’t kidding about the long story. I should get to bed, and call Dawn. Thanks for the info, I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”
Willow and Tara said their goodbyes and Buffy made her way into her room.
***
Spike was bored. Also, he was horny as hell. He’d been so stressed about the house and the car that he hadn’t even attempted to find someone to pass the time with. The moment he saw Buffy his lack of a sex life came rushing to the foreground.
She was gorgeous, and there was something in her eyes that made him sit up at attention, every part of him in fact. Thoughts of the blonde beauty made his annoying but bearable half erect dick stand tall and weep. He had half a mind to proposition her but then he thought about her eyes again and decided that she wasn’t someone he could fuck a few times and forget about. He didn’t even have the luxury of a friends with benefits arrangement due to the fact that she wasn’t yet his friend.
He hoped to never change that fact. He didn’t want to be friends with her. He wanted to be her everything, he wanted her to crave him like he was craving her right now.
God, he was a pathetic sod. Already he was convinced he’d love her, he didn’t even know the chit, but one look in her eyes and he’d been hooked. He felt the electricity when they’d touched, hell, when they’d seen each other.
He groaned and turned onto his back, his hand wrapping around his aching cock and beginning to stroke. Not even a cold shower could erase Buffy’s effects tonight. It had been too long for him, and she was too intriguing to forget about. His fist sped up and his used the ample amount of precum seeping from his slit to lubricate himself. His other hand reached down to cup his balls and his pinky stretched out to play a bit with his ass.
His breathing was erratic now and his groans were getting harder to keep down. Oh, he wanted her, wanted to pound her into his mattress and make her scream his name.
“Oh fuck, Buffy, fuck, fuck-”
“That’s exactly what I was thinking.”
Spike stopped abruptly and tried to cover himself with the sheet. Then he looked up and sighed, scooting over to make room.
“Bloody hell, Anya, thought you were Buffy. Scared the buggering fuck out of me.” She just grinned and sidled up next to him, reaching out to grasp his now purple and angry looking cock. “And you stopped me just before I arrived, teasing minx.”
“Now, now, Spikey, you know you can’t cum until everyone gets here.”
He sighed and flopped back down on the bed, one hand stroking her hair while the other reached up to tug on one of his own nipples. “So you and Xand back on then, thought it was just gonna be me and you tonight, pet.”
“Well, we’re getting there, kind of had a make-up quickie in the laundry room today, thought I’d invite him. Only thing better than Xander is you and Xander.”
“Well, the more the merrier.” He sighed impatiently and looked down at her hand, slowly driving his poor cock insane. “Give us a kiss, pet, and then get me off, I’m ready to pop here.”
Anya leaned down and pressed her lips to Spike’s her tongue darting out to tease his lips. Her hand pumped faster and he moaned loudly into her mouth, his hips thrusting into her fist. “Oh fuck pet, lay down, let me cum on you, luv.”
Anya grinned and got underneath him as he began to stroke himself to completion above her. “Oh fuck, oh yes, touch yourself, pet, do it for me.”
“Yeah, babe, you know what he likes.”
Spike smiled when he heard Xander’s voice, only increasing his arousal, he was amazed he was able to hold on this long. The second he felt the other man’s presence behind him, he knew there was only one thing he wanted to make him spurt all over the beauty below him. “Do it, Xand.”
“Oh fuck, Will, you know what that does to me,” Xander exclaimed before pushing inside Spike hard. Spike’s cries of ecstasy set off Anya, then Xander and the three came to a most satisfying arrival.
“Xander?” Anya said a while later, sandwiched between her two favorite men.
“Yeah, baby?”
“Spike has a thing for someone.”
Spike snorted and pushed his fingers farther inside Anya, causing her to gasp. “I do have a thing, pet, mind taking care of it for me?” He asked, pushing himself up against her side.
Xander chuckled and reached over his girlfriend’s body to grasp Spike’s cock and began to stroke. “Don’t think that’s what she’s talking about, buddy.”
“No? Well, still feel free to continue, mate.”
“Sure thing.”
“What I’m saying is, you- ahh, yes, Spike, oh yes, just there, oh-”
“She’s saying you like somebody,” Xander chuckled, “like like someone.”
“Oh, and who’s that, pet?”
“The new girl, Buffy.”
“How d’you- oh Xand, oh mate don’t stop, so bloody close, unngh, ohhhh, oh yes.”
Spike panted and rested his head on Anya’s breast, his tongue darting out to leisurely lick her. He caught his breath and continued. “How d’you figure that?”
“You were bringing yourself off while moaning her name, I think that’s evidence enough, plus, you didn’t go out and try to get her into bed tonight, you must really like her.”
Spike was silent for a moment. He leaned over to kiss Xander tenderly. “I love you guys, you know that right?”
“Yeah, buddy, ‘course.”
“Yes, Spike, I know.”
Spike sighed and closed his eyes. “Yeah, I really like her, think I might love her if I get the chance.” Anya stroked his hair and when Spike opened his eyes again, Xander was looking at him with worry written all over his face. “Don’t worry, I won’t do anything stupid this time. You guys keep me grounded, you guys can help me keep my head. I don’t need a repeat of Dru.”
I’m more worried about a repeat of Tara, Anya and Xander thought, but they remained silent and settled in for sleep.
Spike was already gone, a certain blonde invading his dreams and making him wonder why in the hell the Gods picked him to be love’s most willing bitch.
“One more time at midnight, near the wall
Take off your heavy make-up and your shawl.
Won't you descend from the throne, from where you sit?
Let me feel your love one more time before I abandon it.”