A/N: This is the first half of this particular chapter, I hope to have the second half out really soon. This is the beginning of the angst and it will last a little while, but there's a definite happy ending, so don't worry. Reviews are always helpful to the writer, plus they're fun. Hope you enjoy this, and I hope you understand Buffy's motivation. Let me know.

I'm walking through the summer nights
Jukebox playing low
Yesterday everything was going too fast
Today, it's moving too slow
I got no place left to turn
I got nothing left to burn
Don't know if I saw you, if I would kiss you or kill you
It probably wouldn't matter to you anyhow
You left me standing in the doorway, crying
I got nothing to go back to now
-Bob Dylan, Standing in the Doorway

After Christmas everyone thought that perhaps things would slow down and they would be able to thoroughly enjoy the rest of their vacation.

Of course, as with everything involving the Giles' and their friends, things didn't go exactly as planned.

Buffy and Spike collapsed onto their bed back in California and neither of them could really remember specific details about anything. It was a haze of sex, weed, presents, pubs, and, oh yeah, more sex. Buffy's body ached in a way she'd never yet experienced, and even Spike was a bit sore. Neither were complaining however, on the contrary, Buffy and Spike could never remember being so happy.

Of course, as with all things involving Spike, it couldn't last.

Spike wrapped his arms around Buffy and cuddled as close to her as he could before closing his eyes for much needed sleep. They were so exhausted by their trip that they hadn't even managed to take off their coats or get under the covers. Buffy pulled part of Spike's duster around her and turned to face him, burying her head in his neck and breathing in deep, smelling him and feeling finally content, now that they were back home.

The phone rang at an ungodly volume. And it just. wouldn't. stop. Spike groaned loudly and fumbled around for the phone finally finding it and dragging it over to his ear.

"'Lo?" His voice was rough with sleep, and not a little annoyed.

Buffy mumbled something not even she understood and tried to pull Spike closer to her once more. Suddenly he shot into a sitting position and pulled completely away from him.

"When did this happen?"

"Spike?"

He held up a hand to silence her and stood. Buffy sat up too and wiped the sleep from her eyes trying to listen to the person on the line.

"Fucking hell... and do you know where she is?"

He was pacing now and Buffy was growing more and more worried as Spike became more and more agitated.

"Yeah.. I know, thanks for telling me. I owe you."

Spike clicked off the phone and stood with his back to Buffy. When he dropped his hand to his side, Buffy could see that he was trembling slightly.

"Spike? Baby, what is it?"

When he turned to face her she knew what was coming. The fear, the pain, the self-loathing were all there. "Dru's out of jail, she's back in Sunnydale."

***

Buffy was worried about Spike. After the phone call about Dru he'd been distant. At first she wasn't sure if she was just reading too much into things. Maybe after all the marathon sex they'd had during their vacation he'd needed a rest. It wasn't just the sex though, he was distracted all the time. They had made love once in the week since he'd been back, but it was a little off, like he wasn't really there. After that, Buffy hadn't initiated anything.

He'd seemed almost relieved.

That was what had hurt the most, was that he'd seemed relieved that he hadn't had to make much contact with her. He held her at night, and sometimes during the day he'd seek her out and they'd just sit together, and he seemed to need that, but it was like they weren't really even together anymore. He could be getting the same comfort from Tara that he was getting from her, and she felt completely useless to him.

She'd asked Tara and Willow about it, and they'd been as completely clueless as she was. They had noticed the change in his behavior, she was glad to find that he hadn't just been distracted around her, but around them as well. At least it wasn't something totally to do with her.

Logically she knew it had to be about Dru, about whatever it was that still terrified him about her and whatever she brought with him. She understood their history but she just didn't get what it was that kept him so scared of her. He'd put her in jail, he'd faced her before, if he were worried about the safety of all of his friends, she could understand, but they were all taking precautions to be safe.

If Tara and Willow had nothing for her, she needed to talk to Xander. She went to his room but found Anya instead. She was the one who suggested that maybe Buffy needed to spice things up. Buffy realized soon after that was probably the worst advice she could have gotten.

***

"Buffy? You in-"

Spike stopped dead in his tracks and stared.

Buffy squirmed a little under his scrutiny. "You like it?"

"B-Buffy?"

It wasn't quite the response she was looking for when she picked out the skimpy black outfit (if you could call it that) that she was wearing and climbed into bed hoping to surprise him. Now she just felt ridiculous and she moved to pull the covers up over her but Spike was on her in an instant.

"Fucking hell, Buffy, where'd you get this?" He straddled her waist and pulled the covers down completely, baring her whole body to his gaze. "Beautiful."

That was more like it. "So I guess this was a good choice?"

"Perfect," he whispered before capturing her mouth with his and pushing her into the pillows, his hands coming up to cup her barely covered breasts.

He moved to her neck, giving her a chance to breathe and she couldn't help but tease him. "I had to do a fashion show for Xander just to make sure you would like it."

He growled possessively and squeezed her breasts before grinding himself into her. "Better not have."

She smiled and bit at his earlobe. "What would you do if I had?"

He glanced up at her to gauge her mood, trying to figure if she were really trying to play that game. She grinned at him wickedly and he smiled back before narrowing his eyes and flipping her onto her stomach and stripping off his coat and shirt.

"Been bad, little Buffy?" She nodded and squirmed against him, rubbing her ass against his cock. He put a hand on her back to keep her from exciting him too much. "Only one way to remedy that, luv. Think you can make it up to me?"

"I'm planning on it."

He leaned down for a second and kissed behind her ear. "You sure about this, Buffy?"

"I want to."

He kissed her again softly and then stood next to the bed. "Sit up then, you wanton little minx." He pulled her hands forward and placed them on his belt buckle. "Take my cock out."

Buffy was getting more turned on by their little roleplay than she had expected, and by the size of the bulge in his jeans, Spike was too. She unbuckled his belt and then quickly undid his pants, reaching in to take him out. His cock was already fully erect and leaking at the tip.

"Suck it."

The tone of his voice, rough with arousal and a little danger made her panties soak straight through. She gripped him at the base and wrapped her lips around the head of his cock. They both moaned and he buried his hands in her hair, gripping it tighter than usual and thrusting more than usual.

"Such a good little cocksucker, you love this don't you?"

She moaned against him and he pulled her off. "Say it."

"I love it, love your cock in my mouth."

He closed his eyes and tried to control himself before forcing her mouth back on him. She let him control the movements, fucking her mouth with less tenderness than usual, but it was probably one of the hottest things they'd ever shared.

"Yeah, take it all in, use that tongue, baby. Fuck yess..."

He pulled away abruptly and took a shaky breath. "Turn around." She turned so that she was laying half on the bed with her feet on the floor, her ass in air.

He moved behind her and stroked her ass a few times while he rubbed his cock up and down her slit. "Spike... please..."

"Sshhh... I'll give you what you need. Give it all to you. First I've got to give you what you deserve." He spanked her once, hard enough to leave a mark, but it was a pleasant sting. "That what you deserve?"

"Yes, Spike, oh God, yess!"

He spanked her again and then sank into her hot core with one thrust. He pounded into her, muttering obscenities.

"You want more, harder?!"

"Yes, Spike, please! Punish me!"

Spike froze mid-thrust, only for a split second, but Buffy caught it. He pulled out of her slowly and stepped back. "Turn around Buffy." His voice was different now, softer, a little scared, shaky.

"Spike?"

"Please, Buffy, turn 'round."

She moved onto her back and scooted up the bed. Spike moved to lie on top of her. He rained kisses down on her face, each one soft and tentative. "I need to see your face," he whispered softly.

Buffy didn't understand what had happened, one minute he seemed to be totally enjoying himself, the next he was shaking and his eyes were watery and... she looked down. He'd gone completely flaccid.

"Spike? What happened?"

"I... I need to go Buffy.. I'm sorry, I just.." He started to get up but Buffy held his wrist.

"Spike, talk to me, please." He looked like a cornered animal and tears were now rolling down his cheeks. "I don't understand.. I want to help you, don't shut me out now, please."

"It's not you, believe me, Buffy. I just.. I need time... I need, I need some space."

Now tears were forming in her own eyes. She thought that this whole thing was going to help, but now it seemed like it was completely backfiring. "What are you saying?"

"I.. I don't know, just-"

He grabbed his jeans but Buffy held his wrist. "Are you breaking up with me?"

Spike turned quickly and wrapped his arms around her, burying his face in her neck and shaking his head. "No, no, no, God no, Buffy, I can't survive without you with me, I love you so much. Some things are happening, and I can't rest until I've got them under control again. I can't rest until I've got myself under control."

"Spike, what we were doing.. it wasn't-"

"No, Buffy, that's just the bleedin' tip of the iceberg. We start with this, it will lead... I can't bloody control myself, can't stop-"

"No, I know what happened with Drusilla, I know that you're worried about going back to that, but we love each other, we trust each other, that's what this was about."

"You don't get it, I trusted Dru, I love her."

Buffy's blood froze. "You love her?"

Spike looked up with a caught in the headlights expression. "Buffy-"

"No, Spike, answer the question. Do you still love her." He looked down at the sheets, his hands running through his hair. "Oh my God." She felt the tears begin to fall fast and her heart felt like it was being squeezed in her chest.

"Buffy, it's not what you think... it's, I love her, I do, I probably always will, but I'm in love with you."

Buffy shook her head. "This whole time... all this time I thought.. and you... how could you do this to me?"

"Buffy-" He reached for her but she jerked away and stood to pull on a robe. "Buffy please."

"No, I don't want to hear anymore. I think I finally get it, I get everything that's been going on since the moment I met you. I can't believe I didn't realize before." She started to jerkily gather some of her things while Spike watched motionless from the bed. "You're so damn afraid that people are going to leave that you won't let go of a single fucking person. You've hung on to Xander, Tara, and Dru, of all fucking people, her. You're so damn afraid I'm going to leave, I try to convince you that I love you, that I'll stay, but you don't listen.

"Why the fuck am I even here? Guess I shouldn't be anymore."

Spike stood, staring at her. "Buffy, you can't be serious, I do love you, I don't-"

"No Spike, I've heard it all before. You tell me that you love me, and I think you do, but it's not enough. You've got to let go of everyone else, and you can't do that."

"Buffy-"

"Shut-up, don't fucking treat me like a whore because you want to forget you were one!"

The second she said it, she wished she could take it back, but it was there, and he'd never looked so hurt before. The blow hit him like a slap across the face and he staggered back from her.

"I can't... what.."

"Spike, I'm sorry..."

He grabbed his pants and yanked them up before ripping his shirt off the floor and throwing it over his head. "You're right Buffy, nothing left to say."

He ran out of the room and Buffy collapsed on the floor, tears streaming down her face.

***

When she heard the knock at her door, she knew it was him.

"My sweet boy's come back to play. I knew she would hurt you. Tell me you missed me."

He fell into her arms and buried his face in her chest weeping. "Missed you, Dru."