A/N: The angst won’t last for too much longer, so I hope everyone will stick it out. I’m hoping Spike’s reactions are believable. He is fucked up, but everyone has relapses. Hope everyone enjoys this, I seem to be writing faster these days, so I hope to have the next chapter out soon. Reviews are great!

-Bob Dylan, “It Ain’t Me Babe”

Buffy remained on the floor until Xander found her sometime later. She hadn't intended to stay sitting there for so long. She'd planned on getting up and running after Spike as soon as she could pull herself together, of course pulling herself together was taking much longer than she had expected.

Xander was sweet, he was Xander, a little bit of babbling, a little bit of joking, but he was there, and he was reassuring. Buffy needed something. There was no way she could face Spike until she had calmed down, and Xander was doing a remarkable job of helping her do that.

Must have been all those nightmares giving him practice.

The thought of Spike and his pain, the pain she'd used against him to make him hurt like she was sent a knife through her heart.

"I can't believe I said that to him."

Xander brushed some hair out of her face and handed her some tissues. "What happened, Buffy?"

"We.. he said... and then I-"

"Xander, I thought we were going to. . . Buffy?"

Anya stepped inside the room and shut the door. She moved to sit next to her friend and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. She looked to Xander for answers but he just shook his head.

"What's wrong?" Buffy just buried her face in her hands and cried harder. "Xander? Wait, don't even try to answer, it's completely obvious and you can't get it. Spike, sex, bad?"

Buffy nodded.

"Anya?"

"What? We all know they're having problems, we all know they're not having sex, here's Buffy in skimpy outfit with a robe barely covering her and Spike's gone, not too hard, Xander, you're just a man."

Xander shook his head and turned his attention back to Buffy. "Do you want to talk about it, or should Anya do it for you?"

Buffy smiled slightly at the bickering, but it only lasted seconds. "We fucked up."

"But didn't fuck?"

"Anya!"

"What?"

Buffy shook her head. "Something happened, I don't know. One minute we were. . . he just stopped and he was freaked out and he couldn't. . ."

"Wow, that's never happened with us before."

"Anya!"

"What?"

Xander sighed and covered Buffy's shaking hand with his. "Do you think it was something you guys were doing? Spike and sex, risky proposition."

Buffy nodded. "I think," her cheeks flamed but she swallowed and continued. "I took your advice," she said looking at Anya, "things were ok at first, great really, he was really into it, we both were."

"Then..."

Xander glared at Anya but Buffy didn't seem to notice. "He just.. like faltered and stopped and he said he needed to see me. He said that if we went on like that... It was like he was afraid he would take it too far. He looked so scared, and I just wanted to help."

Xander thought back to conversations about Dru, drunken weeping sessions full of guilt and shame. He could see why Spike would be afraid of anything approaching his sexual practices with Dru.

"That explains why he stopped, but why are you here crying and he's gone?"

"We. . . I think we broke up."

"What?! Why?! Sex isn't everything, I mean, yeah, huge, I wouldn't stay but, you! Buffy I-"

"Anya, wait, not that. That's not why..." Buffy sighed and swallowed. "Let me start from the top."

***

Spike noticed a lot of things that seemed terribly out of place the moment he extricated himself from Dru and looked around. He'd gotten her address from one of their mutual. . .acquaintances he supposed you’d call them. She was living in a much nicer part of town than he was used to, and her usual entourage of junkies and dealers was nowhere to be seen.

He turned and looked at her, shocked at what he saw. “Dru, fucking hell, you’re-”

“Sober?”

Spike swallowed and sat up straight. “When did you-”

Drusilla stood abruptly and walked smoothly to the kitchen pouring herself a glass of water. “What did you expect, William, sent me away, gave those men my number. Did you think I could survive without change. Sweet naive William, some things never change.”

Spike sat for a moment, shocked at this turn of events, shocked and mightily confused about how he felt. “Is this... I mean, things are better, yeah? I helped you.” He felt a slight rush of elation when some of his guilt lifted, but the look Dru gave him slammed it back down on his shoulders.

“Do you know how they did it, my Spike? Do you know how I felt, watching all the changes and pain, I could see it in front of me, what was happening within. I wondered if you felt that way, if you could see the colors go from red to black to yellow to green. Babies on the ceiling, fishes on the floor. . .”

As Dru became more agitated, she began to fold into herself, and Spike saw the beginnings of one of her fits. He couldn’t help but be moved by it. He stood and wrapped his arms around her trying to soothe her before she could turn her mind completely inside out.

They stood for a while in the middle of her kitchen, shaking and trying to breathe. He whispered all the things he remembered from their time together and stroked her back.

“I’ve got you Dru, I’ve got you. Sshhh. . .”

She calmed and pulled away from him, leaning against the counter and wrapping her arms around herself. She pulled out a bottle of pills and swallowed two before shaking her head at him.

“You don’t have me, you have no one. And no matter what you tell yourself, you don’t want to have me anymore. You’re all covered in her.”

Spike studied the toe of his boot and tried not to cry. His hands balled into fists and he resisted the urge to break something. The thing that made him most angry was that Buffy was absolutely right about him. He wasn’t able to let go of everyone else. He couldn’t really trust her no matter how much he loved her, he couldn’t trust anyone.

The shittiest part of it was, that of all the people in his life, his father included, Buffy was the one person who had given him the most reason to trust. She’d used his past against him, but it was slight and she was so angry, rightly so, that he couldn’t really hold it against her.

“Dru...”

She turned her back on him and sighed. “I thought. . . Never mind, go back home Spike. Go back and make up with her and don’t come back. You make it harder, and I can’t do it again.”

Spike’s heart ached to hear her so beaten, she’d always come out on top, even if she was in the wrong position. He reached out again. “Dru-”

“Leave William. Do something right for once.”

Spike nodded and turned to walk back to Buffy.

***

“Where do you think he is?”

Xander and Anya shrugged. “He’ll be back, I’m sure.”

“After what I said? I’m not so sure.”

“Xander, why don’t you go fill Willow and Tara in, if he comes back,” she looked at Buffy and smiled, “when he comes back, he should stay, talk to us.”

Xander nodded and stepped out.

Buffy turned to Anya. “You think you know?”

Anya shook her head. “My first thought?”

***

Spike skulked through the house until he stood outside his bedroom. He didn’t want to see anyone, didn’t want to have to explain a damn thing. He wanted to fall at Buffy’s feet and ask forgiveness and help. He didn’t deserve either, but he knew that she’d give it to him, and believing that was a step toward the trust she deserved.

He put his hand on the door but paused when he heard voices inside.

“My first thought? He’s with Dru, fucking and getting fucked up. Wouldn’t be the first time he’s turned to her when it gets rough, he’s never been able to help himself.”

Spike felt a rush of rage and betrayal like he’d never experienced before. If that’s what they thought, he wouldn’t disappoint.

***

“But I doubt that’s what’s happened this time. With you, he’s changed. With Xander and me, he couldn’t trust that one day we wouldn’t expect to have a “normal” life without him in it. He couldn’t trust us to be there if we ever fought. He may not know it, but he’s started to trust you.”

“I probably ruined any chance of that.”

“Buffy you were angry, he knows that, some rational part of him understands. He’ll be back, he’ll be fine, and you two will get over this. Every couple has to have at least one huge fight, if you don’t, that’s a real problem.”

Buffy nodded. “I guess, I just hate waiting for him. When he comes back, I’ll beg for forgiveness if I have to, I just want him back, we’ll work this out together.”

***

For the first time in a long time Spike surprised Drusilla. She opened the door and was immediately covered with him. His arms around her, pulling her against him, grinding himself into her and kissing her with enough anger to even frighten Drusilla a little bit.

He pushed her into the wall behind the door and slammed it behind him. She gathered enough wits in the few seconds since he walked in to return his kisses and pull him against her as well. For a moment Spike actually thought he could feel something other than Buffy-induced pain. For a second he thought Dru was helping him forget.

Then he realized all he was thinking about was forgetting Buffy, and therefore, still thinking about her.

He wrenched himself away from her and turned toward the door panting. Dru remained against the wall, wary of what he would do next, afraid to make a sound.

“Bitch thinks she knows me so well. But I don’t. . .” He choked and pressed his forehead against the door. “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” With each utterance he hit his head against the door harder.

Finally Dru stepped forward and put a hand on his back. “Spike-”

He spun violently and gripped her arms. “People don’t change, Dru. We don’t change. We are what we are. Nothing, no one’s gonna change that, yeah?”

She nodded warily and he allowed a smile without mirth to grace his features. “Let’s get the fuck out of here and find ourselves again. I’m tired of pretending.”