A/N: I seem to be really motivated to finish this, so we might be done by the end of next month or sooner. Now I have to knock on wood. Hope everyone enjoys this chapter. Reviews are seriously appreciated and are great motivation.

I can't see my reflection in the waters,
I can't speak the sounds that show no pain,
I can't hear the echo of my footsteps,
Or can't remember the sound of my own name.
Yes, and only if my own true love was waitin',
Yes, and if I could hear her heart a-softly poundin',
Only if she was lyin' by me,
Then I'd lie in my bed once again.
-Bob Dylan, "Tomorrow is a Long Time"

Spike couldn't remember the last time he'd been at Woodstock without his family. Once with Dru, he thought. That was a hazy time, however, not surprisingly. He set his bag on the bed in his old room. He couldn't really bear to be in the room he'd shared with Buffy over Christmas, it was still a little painful to think of her and what he'd done.

They'd come here and made love for the first time, and now that he knew how fucked it had been to do that when he hadn't even really been there. . .

He shook his head and began to unpack. This week was about moving away from all that he'd known about he and Buffy and making something new. He figured there was no way he could fall out of love with her, forget about her in any way, but he could learn to understand that a good deal of what he'd had with her had been based on something false.

He'd introduced himself as a person he wasn't, and played that part until it crumbled around them. He sighed, all the self-pity in the world was going to get him nowhere.

He finished unpacking and went into the kitchen. His father had hired someone to stock the house for him, in addition to that, he'd left some numbers of people he knew around the area that could help him.

Spike knew it was beyond him. There was no way he could change in the way he needed to without help. Professional help, it killed him to ask for it. What little pride he had left balked at the idea of talking to some shrink.

He picked up the list of numbers and stared at it for a while. The fact that his father had gone to so much trouble while asking so few questions amazed him. Usually, Giles was unable to act on anything without consulting one book or another while asking a million questions, most of them pointless in Spike's opinion.

That lead Spike to believe that maybe his father hadn't been so in the dark about what was going on with him all this time, and maybe now he truly believed that his son was worth saving.

Spike sunk into the barstool and tried to get his breathing under control. He reached out a shaky hand to the telephone and dialed the first number.

***

"Mr. Giles?"

Spike pulled his duster more tightly around himself and stepped forward. "I'm William Giles."

"Dr. Burkle is ready to see you, just go on back."

He took a deep breath and nodded. He made his way to the office in the back and entered, self-consciously running a hand through his hair, which he realized, as he walked past a mirror, was in bad need of a new bleach job.

"Mr. Giles?"

Spike turned quickly toward the voice and cleared his throat. "Yeah, call me Spike."

She smiled warmly and Spike felt more at ease immediately. He managed a small smile back. "I'm Dr. Burkle, you can call me Fred. I've known your father for a while, and he's helped me out a few times. We can talk, and I can give you some help too, but I'm not going to charge you."

"Dr Burkle-"

"Fred."

Spike tried for another smile. "Fred. I can't just ask you to do that for me. I'd be costing you money and-"

"Spike, listen, if it weren't for Rupert, I wouldn't even have a practice. He's done more for me than I can ever pay back, and he's never asked for a favor until now. You're helping me by letting me help." Spike sighed but nodded slowly. Fred smiled and guided him into the chair across from hers. "What is it you hope to get from this, Spike?"

He shrugged and scratched his scarred eyebrow. "What did my father tell you?"

"Well, the truth is, we'd talked about you before. He felt like he'd been responsible for some of the things that had happened to you." She paused then and looked at him, trying to decide the best way to put something. "Spike, Rupert has confided quite a lot in me, some about you. I know about a lot of what happened. I know about it from his side. I need to know yours before I can help you."

Spike clenched his fists and looked toward the window, trying to control his emotions. "So, An... Him, you know about him."

"I know what happened to him, I know that he was supplying you with drugs, I know that he had some connection to an old girlfriend. That's about it. Your father thought their might be something more, but he wasn't sure." Spike looked away and she smiled sadly. "Do you want to talk about that?"

Spike shook his head. "Maybe some other time."

Fred nodded. "What else is bothering you, Spike?"

He scratched the back of his head. "There's a girl."

Fred smiled. "Isn't there always?"

Spike shrugged and his lips curved upward thinking about her. "She's the first person to make me feel... I don't even know. I just think I can trust her, don't think she's ever gonna hurt me, not on purpose anyway."

"So what's the problem?"

"I'm not ready for her. I guess... I don't know."

Fred grabbed a notebook and a pen. "Do you mind?" Spike shook his head and she wrote some things down. "Ok, so what do you mean by 'ready'?"

Spike shrugged. "I'm... We had a good thing I think, have one kind of. I feel like I've been lying to her this whole time. Making her think I'm something I'm not. Not on purpose, I thought I was the man I said I was."

Fred nodded and continued to write. "So I'm guessing something big happened to make you realize all this."

"I... We were..." he sighed. "God this is harder than I thought."

"It's ok, we can start slow, you don't have to dive right in."

He shook his head. "No, I've gotta get through this. In a moment of umm, intimacy, I was reminded of something. I couldn't... Fuck," he looked up sharply. "I'm sorry, just got away from my-"

"It's ok. I expect you may get a little emotional, hence the emotional outbursts." Spike remained looking down. "Can you tell me what it was that happened, what exactly made things so hard for you?"

Spike scratched his head and sighed. "You really want to-"

"Spike, I'm not here to judge, I want to help you. Whatever you tell me, believe that I've probably heard worse."

He swallowed. "We were... I guess she thought she'd try something new." He pulled himself up and looked her in the eyes. "Ok, here's the thing. With Dru, we never made love. I had sex with her, we fucked each other, we were like animals. She punished me, I punished her, and we got off on hurting each other, any way we could. I'd never been with someone who could take so much, and she pushed me so bloody far, farther than I thought possible while still keeping any scrap of dignity."

He seemed to lose steam after that. He sat back and sighed, covering his eyes with his hand. "Dru, that's Drusilla, your ex?"

He nodded but remained silent.

"You and your current girlfriend, you don't do much of that kind of thing?"

Spike shook his head. "Her name's Buffy. Whenever.. whenever we're together like that, I always feel like I'm right to be feeling good about it. Dru made it dirty, like I was wrong to get off, probably was, but with Buffy, it's always good." Fred nodded and he continued. "In the middle of it, she said something, and it was so like Dru.. I forgot where I was. It was like being back there and using her, being used. I couldn't stand myself."

"Did you tell her this?"

"I had to get away before..."

"Spike?" He was silent. "Before what, Spike?"

"I couldn't lose control like that. I refuse to fall into that all over again. I love Buffy too much to use her in that way. I can't get... I'd rather lose her for good than have her like that."

"What happened after?"

"I told her I needed to leave. She wanted to know what was wrong with me, I'd been acting strange for a while, I knew it, but I was just trying to protect her from me, from what I'd been with Dru. Fuck, I made her feel like I was using her. I was using her."

"Spike, I have an idea. I think the best way to deal with this is to talk this out with Buffy, but I think you should do that with someone else there, someone who can understand some of the things you're going through."

"What about you?"

Fred smiled. "I could be convinced. Why don't we set up a time for us to talk. We can do it as often as you like. Have you kept from using drugs?"

Spike nodded. "I... For a while, I've been on a bit of a program. I was.. For so long I-"

"Methadone?"

"How did you-"

"I've worked with my fair share of users. How long have you been doing that?"

"Over a year. I tried to go without for a while, but it didn't work. I know it's just substituting one thing for another, but I haven't been able to stop."

"It's ok, I've seen what this does to people. Your father knows, does anyone else?"

Spike shook his head. "They think I'm fine... Everyone thinks they know so much about it, I can't tell them that I'm still using something."

Fred put a hand over his. "That's why I'm here, Spike. You can tell me all this, know I'm not going to tell anyone, and know I'm not going to think any less of you. You're staying up here alone?"

He nodded.

"I'm going to give you a number. If something happens and you need someone to talk to, I'm here. I'll answer this, and if I don't right away, I'll call you back within minutes. Don't hesitate, Spike. Alone, fighting this, it can be hard."

Spike nodded and turned his hand so that he could squeeze hers. They stood and he swallowed. "I don't know how to thank you for this, I can't tell you what this means to me."

"Don't mention it. I'm in your family's debt." She put a hand on his shoulder and lead him to the door. "The receptionist will set up a schedule for you. We can go as much as daily, or as little as you want."

"Thanks, Fred."

She smiled. "Don't forget about my number, Spike."

"I won't."

***

"You've reached Rupert Giles. I am unable to answer the phone at the moment. Please leave your message and I will return your call as soon as possible."

"Dad... Thank you. I can't... Just thank you. I'll call you later."

***

Spike returned home a little bit more relieved and hopeful about his situation. With Fred's help, he was sure he could be well on his way to becoming something. His hands itched to call Buffy but he held off. He'd made the rule, and he was going to follow it.

No matter how bloody hard it was.

He made his way up to the attic and pulled out a few boxes. Looking through some of the things stored up there wouldn't help to clear his mind, but they would stop him thinking about how much he wanted Buffy.

He pulled out a small shoebox that contained some of the things he'd saved as a child and hidden in the attic on their first summer at this house. It was before Willow moved with them, before he'd really known her, and all he'd had was himself. His father and Jenny hadn't been much company for a small shy boy in desperate need of friends his own age.

Spike stroked the top of the box lovingly, he'd missed his chance to come up and reminisce during Christmas. He couldn’t complain though, he’d been much more pleasantly occupied.

Fuck, now he was thinking of Buffy again.

He sighed and opened the box. For a moment he sat in shock, as soon as he remembered himself he flung the box and it’s contents to the other side of the room and moved himself against the wall behind him.

“Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck... Fuck!”

He sat panting for a moment, trying to control his emotions before he managed to look over at the scattered contents. Pictures, lots of pictures, he and Dru had desecrated everything eventually. Pictures of them in almost every room, doing something at least slightly depraved in each.

Mixed in with those were the small mementos from his childhood. A small toy car, two tiny books his mother had left him, a small stuffed rabbit, and a picture of her.

How high had he been when he’d stuffed all those things together? Well, by the half-full baggie and kit lying next to the rabbit, not as high as he could have been.

They must have stashed all of it here because they couldn’t finish before returning to California. Amazing he’d had enough clarity to worry about getting on an airplane with enough heroin and cocaine to get him sent to prison for a while, but not enough to regret the place he’d put it.

He stood on shaky legs and walked toward the mess he'd made. More than once his hand twitched at his side, itching to reach out for the thing he'd denied himself for so long. Finally, he managed to gather everything together and put it back in the box. He buried it under the rest of the things he'd removed.

It never occurred to him to get rid of it.

***

After a week of daily sessions with Fred and frequent talks with his father, Spike felt he was ready to talk to Buffy again.

Even if he hadn't felt like he was ready, nothing was keeping him from the phone after his week was up. He went to his session with Fred and they talked about the best ways to approach his new relationship with her. A sexual relationship was definitely not in the mix for a good while. At least not until they had a chance to talk with Fred together. She suggested that he treat it more like a friendship, Spike was well aware that he'd had a hard time with that before, but not being anywhere near her could make that part a bit easier.

He paced around after he'd come home. Then he called his father, who gave him some good advice about apologies and enough of a pep talk to keep him from falling into total self-loathing. Spike wasn't aware that one could miss something they'd never had. Talking to his father felt like something that should have always been there.

He'd learned a lot about the man that he'd never suspected before. And hearing about his wild youth made Spike feel slightly less terrible.

After the chat with Giles, Spike tried to occupy his time until the evening when he knew Buffy would be home. A good portion of that was spent lying on his bed longing to go into the attic. When he realized what he was doing, he went outside to tend to some things in the greenhouse and elsewhere.

It was very calming. He had a feeling that had less to do with the work and more to do with the fruits of his labor.

He sat on his bed and picked up the phone. He cursed the shaking of his hand as he dialed her number.

"Spike?!"

He smiled and sighed a little, letting go of the fear that she wouldn't answer his call.

"'Lo, luv."

There was a slightly awkward pause as they tried to decide what to say to each other.

"How are you?" they asked simultaneously. They laughed softly and both let out a breath.

"This is bloody awkward."

"Yeah, but I am really happy to hear from you."

"God, pet, can't even convey to you."

She smiled softly and leaned back into her pillows, closing her eyes and trying to imagine him.

"I do want to know."

"What?"

"How you are."

Spike moved so that he was on his back and closed his eyes. "I don't know, better, that's for sure." He paused and then sighed loudly. "Hell, Buffy, every other moment I'm regretting leaving you behind, the other half I'm terrified that you're going to say goodbye and I'm gonna have to agree that it's the right thing to do."

"Spike-"

"Buffy, I hate doing this to you, it's so bloody selfish I can't stand it. I am trying though, I swear, this isn't just for kicks."

"Of course it's not. Spike, I know this is the right thing to do, I hate it to, but if you're getting better, I'm all for it."

They were silent for a while longer, comfortable to listen to each other breathe. "I miss you."

"I miss you too."

"I'm seeing this, I guess she's a therapist. She and my dad know each other. She thinks maybe, I mean, I know it's not your problem, but if you-"

"Spike, what is it?"

"We should talk to her, together, about some stuff."

"Yeah, I think that's a good idea, I have questions too. I don't know what to do, how to help you, and I really want to be able to."

"Buffy, you-"

"Spike, I want to, I need to. I can't just sit by and not do anything. I care about you. I'm not going to abandon you."

He felt his heart lighten at her words. It was the number one thing he was dreading, though some part of him was sure it would happen and tried to accept it. "How have you been dealing, with everyone else I mean."

"I haven't really talked to them."

He could hear the frustration in her voice. "I'm so sorry, pet, I never should have asked you to do that."

"When are you going to tell them?"

"I thought maybe... You can tell them now, ask them not to try to find me, don't tell them I'm here. Just tell them I'm trying to figure some stuff out, and I'll be back as soon as I can." He paused and fought back tears. He hadn't cried since he'd left Buffy that night, and he was refusing to start again. "Tell them I'm sorry."

"Spike..."

They were quiet again, trying to find words to tell the other how they felt but it was impossible. She needed him there, she wanted to hold him, but she knew it was impossible. Even if he was there, she wasn't sure what they were to each other anymore.

"Buffy, I want...."

"What?"

He sighed. "Nothing, it's not important, I should go."

"Spike, wait-"

He didn't say anything, but didn't hang up. "You can tell me whatever. I'm always here for you. I've got the phone all the time, so if you need to call me..."

"Yeah, luv, ok."

"Uh, I guess it is pretty late there."

"Yeah."

"Will you call me tomorrow?"

He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to keep the emotion out of his voice, he didn't want her to know he was falling to pieces just listening to her. "Of course, baby, whenever you want."

The real emotion in his voice assured her, but she couldn't help but feel he was distancing himself from her. She closed her eyes again and tried not to cry, at least not until he was off the phone. "I'll talk to you later then, bye, Spike."

"Bye, Buffy, I love you."

When she paused he hung up. He couldn't bear to hear her hesitation any longer.

Buffy cursed herself, she didn't know why she hadn't responded immediately, but now she had hurt him. She contemplated calling him back, but decided it would only draw more attention to it. She'd tell him tomorrow, first thing when he called her.

She buried herself under her sheets and tried to imagine him lying it bed next to her.

Spike wrapped his arms around himself tightly, trying to stop the chill that was spreading through his body. He squeezed his eyes shut and held his breath until he choked on his sobs and couldn't hold them in any longer.

Neither slept through the night.