A/N: This chapter is a lot of fluff and a lot of set-up. I feel like the end is important, and I was having a hard time getting there, so I hope you enjoy the journey. The reviews have been great, and new ones will be even better.

You raise up your head
And you ask, "Is this where it is?"
And somebody points to you and says
"It's his"
And you say, "What's mine?"
And somebody else says, "Where what is?"
And you say, "Oh my God
Am I here all alone?"

Because something is happening here
But you don't know what it is
Do you, Mister Jones?
-Bob Dylan, "Ballad of a Thin Man"

"We, that is, Xander and I are getting married," Anya said slowly as if talking to a particularly thick child.

"I think he understood, honey."

Spike still hadn't said anything, his mouth kept opening and closing as if he might, but no sound came out. There was a strange pain settling in the pit of his stomach.

"Spike, say something man. Anything."

Spike finally blinked slowly and found his voice. "Uh.. um," his voice cracked and he cleared his voice. "Well.. that's great. Just a matter of time, huh?"

Anya began talking immediately about plans and Xander's proposal, but Spike didn't really hear it. She was the only one oblivious to his reaction.

Xander watched as Anya sat next to Spike and explained all about his role as best man (something Xander wanted to ask him about) and other issues he needed to take care of. Spike participated in the conversation as best he could, but Xander knew something was off.

Eventually, Xander managed to pry Anya away and Spike made an excuse about needed to see Buffy to the airport. He stepped outside and Xander closed the door and took a deep breath.

"Ahn, I'm betting you didn't, but please tell me you saw that something was off with Spike just now."

Anya started getting undressed for bed and turned down the covers. "Yeah."

Xander raised his eyebrows and clapped his hands together. "Ok then, care to elaborate?"

Anya turned to face him with an exasperated sigh. "Haven't you thought this day over before? Haven't you ever considered Spike's reaction?"

Xander stared at him blankly and she sighed and sat down. "He's upset, he hates change. We were always his people to fall back on, and we always said that if we got married we'd stop fucking around. He's get absolutely no one now. If he screws up with Buffy, he's got nowhere to turn."

Xander sat next to her. "But why should he even consider screwing things up with Buffy, they seem totally happy."

"Xander, this is the first time Spike's ever had to face losing us for good. After all we've been through, it's like the end of an era."

Xander fall back on the bed and wrapped his arm around Anya when she moved to lay next to him. "Now I'm depressed. Why aren't you upset?"

"I've just thought a lot about what it would be like without him. I knew you'd eventually propose, I wanted to be prepared."

Xander kissed the top of Anya's head and tried not to think too hard about Spike.

***

Spike walked back to his room in a daze. He never thought he'd see the day. He'd thought about it, hypothetically, of course, and he'd tried to prepare for it.

He never really understood that he would need to prepare. He didn't think seeing his friends happy would be like a punch in the gut. He tried not to think of it as a final rejection, but that's really what it came down to. Anya and Xander were ready to move on permanently. He was too if he really thought about it, but somewhere inside him, he wanted to be the one to make that move.

He opened the door and saw Buffy finishing up her packing, zipping closed her suitcase and organizing her travel papers.

"Hey, just in time."

Spike walked to her and wrapped his arms around her waist, burying his face in her neck.

"Something wrong?"

He shook his head and pulled back to attempt a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. Buffy let it go though, knowing he would talk to her about it when he was ready.

"When do you have to go?"

"I've got a few hours. You'll take me?"

"'Course, luv."

She kissed his chin and moved to nuzzle his neck. "Where'd you go?"

Spike pulled her closer to him and licked a line from her collarbone to her ear. "Do you really care?"

He moved a leg between hers and rubbed his thigh against her rapidly heating core, while his right hand moved under her shirt and began stroking her lower back.

"Mmm, not when you do that."

Spike turned his head and teased her for a moment before finally kissing her deeply. She moaned into his mouth and allowed him to unsnap the top button on her jeans while his leg kept on encouraging her to ride him.

She could feel his cock growing against her hip and it excited her more. She ran her hands down his chest and cupped his erection, squeezing gently. He growled against her lips and pushed her back onto the bed.

He moved on top of her and grabbed her hands, moving them up to wrap around the bars in the headboard. "Hold on, baby."

He unbuttoned her shirt slowly, kissing and licking every inch of skin he exposed. She thanked God that she'd worn a front-clasp bra, because she wasn't sure he would have removed her hands from their positions to remove it in lieu of simply ripping it off.

He moved lower and lower, and Buffy wasn't sure how much more she could take. Finally, he began pulling her pants off of her and she lifted her bottom to help him get them off. He spread her thighs slowly, kissing his way toward her center.

"Smell so bloody good, luv. Never get enough of this." He paused, just short of touching her and blew a hot stream of air onto her engorged clit.

"Oh God! Spike, please..."

He smiled and propped her legs over his shoulders before diving in and licking her voraciously. He stroked around her clit and dove inside her passage, driving her crazy. She bucked against his face and ached to grab his hair and hold him to her, but she resisted.

"Spike, please, let me please..."

The sound of her voice, begging him for release made his cock even harder and he rubbed himself against the bed to relieve some of the tension. He moaned against her, knowing the vibrations from his voice would get her even hotter, before finally taking her clit between his lips and sucking hard.

She exploded onto his tongue and he licked up her cream greedily. He let her legs off of his shoulders and massaged her thighs, kissing his way back up her body.

She opened her eyes to find him staring down at her, adoration clear in his eyes. "Spike-"

He kissed her tenderly, she could taste herself on his lips and she kissed around his mouth, cleaning him of her. He positioned himself at her entrance and looked into her eyes before sinking in to the hilt.

"Buffy...."

The feeling of her surrounding him was too much. He buried his face in her hair and pumped his hips, feeling her push up against him. He angled his cock to hit her sweet spot and she cried out underneath him, causing him to thrust faster.

He felt like something was missing and he realized she still had her hands wrapped around the bars on the headboard.

"Touch me, baby, please..."

Buffy thought he'd never ask. She ran her hands down his arms and up and down his back, finally they settled on his ass, pushing him into her harder. She squeezed his cheeks and he growled against her cheek.

"Are you going to miss me?"

He propped himself up so that he could look at her. "You know I will."

She kissed him and met his thrust hard. He tried to slow her down and she looked up at him. "Want this to last."

She slowed with him, both nearly there, but trying to stave off their orgasms for just a little longer.

Before long, it was impossible and Buffy raked her nails down his back, the pleasure too much. Spike pulled her hard against him and thrust into her one final time, spilling his seed inside her.

He moved to roll off of her but she held him. "Just stay here, I don't know when I'll get to feel this again."

He held himself on his elbows and kissed her sweetly. "You act like it's going to forever."

"I don't know how long it will take, I've got to get everything situated with Dawn, and finish up with the funeral..."

"That is like forever, sure I shouldn't come?"

She shook her head and kissed his chest. "You've got to talk to Wes about your book, and maybe try to salvage some of the semester. I'm totally screwed."

"I'm working on that too. It was my fault, I can work something out with the registrar."

"Spike-"

"I already said I would do it when you came to Woodstock. Don't try to convince me not to."

She smiled faintly and nuzzled his chest. "Will you call me when I'm gone?"

He looked down at her and frowned slightly. "When did you get so worried about me missing you and calling you when you're gone? You know I will."

Buffy avoided his gaze and drew nonsense patterns on his chest and arms. "I don't know.. just lately..."

Spike rolled to his side and tipped her chin toward him. "What?"

"I don't know what's wrong with me. I've just been thinking about my dad a lot lately-"

"Buffy, I'd never leave you."

She looked up at him and while half of her felt like an idiot for ever doubting him because of some random abandonment issues she never dealt with decided to surface, and half of her was relieved he didn't hesitate to reassure her.

"You must think this is all ridiculous."

He shook his head and leaned over her. "Not at all. Buffy, you're the strongest woman I've ever met, but everybody has something like this. You amaze me all the time, and you never have to be ashamed of anything you've done. You've seen me at my absolute worst, you don't need to worry."

"I'm starting to rethink the you staying here thing."

He smiled and she pulled him close to her. He held her close until they were absolutely forced to get dressed for the airport.

***

After Spike dropped Buffy off he automatically pulled out his cell phone and dialed Fred's number as he unlocked the DeSoto.

"Dr. Burkle."

"Fred, it's Spike."

"Oh hey you! I haven't heard from you in a while, what's going on? How's Buffy? Did you talk to your friends?"

He chuckled. "One question at a time, pet."

"Sorry, I'm on a bit of a caffeine high, and it's really nice to hear from you."

He smiled and sighed. "The reason I called... Well first off, everything's good with everyone. Buffy's fine, well, not perfect. Her father just passed away."

"Oh no, how is she?"

"She'll be fine, she's off in LA taking care of some things. Uhh, the reason I called... Do you have some time?"

Fred sat down at her desk and leaned back in her chair. "What's going on?"

"Well.. I don't really get it. Xander and Anya, the other day, they told me that they're getting married."

Fred waited, but Spike seemed to be done. "Ok, I don't really understand the problem, I mean, from what you've told me about them, they should be very ha-"

"Yeah, that's the problem, pet, I don't understand it either. When they told me, my stomach just hit the floor, I couldn't speak. Something hurt, and I didn't really get it. I guess I just didn't see it coming."

"Spike..."

"What is it?"

"I told you before you left... Before we talk about this, how are things with Tara?"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Just tell me."

Spike sighed and thought back. "When I came home and saw her... I feel like we're good, in a way we haven't been since... since she and Willow. We talked about me leaving, and it just felt like we had an understanding."

"Ok, so that's sorted, did you get that sense with Xander at all?"

"Why would I, we didn't have any problems."

"Spike... You know that's not true."

Spike clenched his fists and closed his eyes. "This is fucking ridiculous."

"Spike, don't get upset."

"Don't get upset?!" He let out a bitter sound halfway between a laugh and a sob. "I've got Buffy, what fucking more do I need?"

"You need to let go."

Spike was silent for a moment and Fred thought she heard him choke back some tears.

"Listen, I'm going to be in LA next week, I was going to call, but you beat me to it. How about I come up to Sunnydale for a few days?"

"You don't need to do that."

"I want to, I should see Rupert anyway. It's been too long. You can call me anytime though, remember that."

Spike leaned his head against the steering wheel and took a deep breath. "So you think that maybe after this whole wedding business is over.. I can accept it?"

"I suggest you do it before the wedding. Buffy's not stupid, and this is going to be weighing on your mind. You either tell her that part of you is still hung up on Xander, and maybe even Anya, or you work it out."

"How am I supposed to work it out?" he asked angrily.

"You never really worked out your issues with Xander. He hurt you when you were so young, and before there was a chance to make it right, or even for closure, you were with Tara and then Drusilla. You've got to talk about what happened, and you have to forgive each other."

Spike sat up and rubbed a hand across his face. "Right."

"Are you going to be ok?"

"Yeah. I should go, Buffy's going to call when she gets in and I want to be home for it."

"Ok, you call if you need anything ok? And I'll let you know when I'll be in town."

"Sure thing, pet. And thank you."

"Don't worry about it, goodbye, Spike."

"Bye, Fred."

***

"'Lo, luv, get in alright?"

Buffy sighed and sank onto her bed. "Yeah, it's weird being back in this house."

"I can imagine. Talked to Dawn, then?"

"Yeah, it was good, kind of cathartic. She's being really good about everything."

"I knew she would be. You tell her 'hello' for me?"

"Yeah of course, I think she's mad you didn't come."

"Why's that?"

"You're fun to look at."

"Think so?" he asked grinning and leaning back on his bed.

"Well I don't, but I know Dawn likes to look at you."

"Mmm, maybe I went for the wrong sister."

"Don't even go there."

He chuckled and she couldn't help but join him. "I was thinking, if you're going to be up there for the weekend too, I could drive up for a few days."

"I might need that. We made plans for the funeral."

"When's that?"

"Saturday."

"I'm coming," he said without hesitation.

"Spike are you-"

"Buffy, I'm not going to leave you alone for that if I can help it. I can help it. I'm coming."

"Thank you, Spike," she whispered.

Spike closed his eyes and imagined her next to him. "No worries, luv."

They were silent for a moment. "Spike, do we have too much sex?"

"What?!"

"I was just thinking-"

"About earlier? Me too, God you're sexy."

"This is what I'm talking about!" She heard him chuckle and pouted before realizing he couldn't see it. "Don't make fun of me."

"I'm not, I swear. I wasn't going to let you know, but I was thinking about it."

"Spike! I don't think I've ever met anyone as horny as you."

"Mmmm... what was that, pet?"

Buffy narrowed her eyes. "What are you doing right now?"

He smiled. "What do you think? You keep talking about sex, can't help it."

"Spike!" He chuckled again but she knew he was only half-teasing her. "You want me to have phone sex with you, just hours after we had actual sex, when we'll have to go a whole 3 days without each other, and you're telling me we don't have too much sex?"

"Buffy, is there such a thing? Tell me what you're wearing."

She couldn't help but laugh at him. "You're too silly to be horny."

"Can't I be both?"

"You're such a dork."

"Do you want to know what I'm wearing, baby?"

She felt her panties soak through at his tone. There was something about his voice, when he used it right, she swore, if he wanted he could make her cum from reading the phone book.

"Buffy?" he taunted lightly.

She snapped back into focus. "Tell me."

He smiled, he knew he could get her to play. "Nothing."

"You're always wearing nothing."

"Wouldn't you like that."

"Yeah," she said dreamily, and he laughed.

"Are we gonna do this or what, you're being all distracting. I want phone sex," he pouted.

Buffy smirked. "You were doing fine until you got totally obvious."

"What can I say, baby? I think of you, I get hard, if you're not around, gotta relieve the tension."

"Is that what you're doing?"

"Not exactly, waiting for you to help."

Buffy licked her lips and settled onto her back, kicking her sandals onto the floor. "What can I do?"

Spike sighed and let his hand wander down his chest. "Do you like to think of me doing this?"

"I don't know what you're doing."

He smiled and gripped his cock. "I'm hard, so hard, luv. You know what I want."

She was silent and he was afraid she wasn't going to continue, but then he heard her breathy little sigh and his cock jumped. "Yes, I like to think of you doing that. Sometimes I think about..."

"What?" His hand was moving up and down now, her voice spurring him on.

"Could I watch you? Sometimes I think it's so sexy." She teased herself, listening to his breathing.

"Jesus, Buffy, are you serious?"

"I wouldn't tease you like that, baby."

"Fuck yes, I want to do everything with you. Kinky as you want me."

Buffy paused, a more serious issue raised in her mind. "Could you really, Spike?"

He knew what she meant now, and cursed himself for his choice of words. He thought about her, about what she'd confided in him in the past day, and he knew things had changed.

"Yes, Buffy, God yes, anything."

She moaned at that and he sped up his strokes. They listened to each other, moans and dirty and loving endearments coming from Spike's mouth until they both cried out.

"Did you mean it?" Buffy asked as they came down, their breathing returning to normal.

Spike pulled her pillow to him and sighed. "Every word. I love you Buffy, and I know what that means now."

"I love you too."

They talked about random things, mostly to hear the other's voice until they were too loopy with sleep to make sense. Spike knew he had to confront Xander tomorrow, and after his talk with Buffy, he was much less afraid.