A/N: Sorry, this is a short post, but it's purely Spuffy, so that explains why. Spike's past begins to play a major role by the next chapter, and things begin to be explained, even if the real mystery of Dru isn't revealed until chapter 20. God, that's a long way off. For now content yourself with a shitload of smut to come (heh) that will balance out the angst of a perilous life history.

-Bob Dylan, "Simple Twist of Fate"

Spike found Buffy outside on the back porch watching the stars silently. He took a deep breath and walked out to sit next to her on the swing hanging there. They were both silent for a moment, Spike trying to figure out what he could possibly say to fix the mess he'd gotten himself into, and Buffy willing herself not to cry in front of him.

She just didn't understand why he had gone to bed with Anya after everything he'd said to her. Granted she did walk away from him and tell him nothing could come of it, but dammit, if he cared as much about her as he claimed to, it shouldn't be easy for him to just slip into bed with someone else. The look in his eyes when she had pulled away had been one of the reasons she'd changed her mind. He seemed so sincere, so loving, so heartbroken. If he had truly been any of those things he would have been too upset to fuck someone else, especially if that was the reason she couldn't be with him.

Then again, if what all he said was true, Anya and Xander were there for comfort, to stave off the loneliness he'd felt before and after Tara. If the look in his eyes was any indication, he'd be terribly lonely and upset tonight. Her rejection of him coupled with the near loss of Xander must have taken a major toll on him, and Anya for that matter. They weren't getting crazy with monkey loving as far as she could tell, it looked incredibly intimate and subdued, something born of high emotion and love.

Buffy realized then that either way they weren't right for each other. Either he didn't really care for her, or she couldn't care enough to take over two people's places in his life. Especially if those two people knew him better than anyone but Tara and Willow.

Spike desperately wanted to know what Buffy was thinking. He knew that he had explained the situation to her, and that the fact that he slept with Anya and Xander because he pretty much always had must have lessened the blow a bit, but he still felt terribly guilty. If he had known there was a single bloody chance she'd change her mind ever, he would stay alone for as long as it took. The second she said the word, Xander and Anya could be your everyday typical couple, but he wasn't about to give up the love of his friends for something that would never be.

"Buffy, for what it's worth, I'm sorry."

He didn't dare look at her for fear of seeing the revulsion in her eyes, but when she touched his hand softly he glanced up. "I know, and even if it doesn't change much, I understand what happened."

Spike sighed and shook his head, he'd rather she scream at him, or never talk to him again, anything but accept his apology and still shut him down. The more she accepted him without disgust, the harder he fell for her. Apparently though, it was going to come to nothing, and his heart was going to be shattered before it even fully healed again.

"I know, pet, figured as bloody much."

"Spike-"

"No, 's ok, luv, I get it." He stood angrily, though all of it was directed at himself and ran his hand roughly through his hair. "I'm sorry about all this, Buffy, I really am. God, I'm such a poncey shit, I can't do this."

"Can't do what?"

He turned to face her and knelt down putting his hands on either side of her and looking straight into her eyes. "I know that I look like I'm full of shit, and after tonight, you've got absolutely no reason to want anything to do with me at all, let alone pursue some kind of relationship, but dammit, Buffy, I haven't felt this way about somebody this fast in soddin' ever." He paused and ruffled his hair again in what Buffy was beginning to understand as a nervous gesture.

"I care about you, a lot. I know I've known you for only so long, but there's somethin' about you. Your eyes, the way you know just when and were to touch me when I'm upset. Only been one other person that got to me like you do, but her eyes weren't like yours."

Buffy couldn't keep looking at him when he spoke to her like that. She wondered if he knew that she had intimate knowledge about the girl he was speaking of. It was strange to know so much about him and have him know so little about her, especially when he was the one professing a possibility of love.

"Spike, please don't-"

"No, Buffy, I can't stop this. I can't help being content when you're around and anxious when you're not. Today, or, I guess yesterday, started out as one of the best in my life, and then everything went to absolute shit. When I think that maybe I could have made something of it and I fucked it up for something that means a lot but I could have done without, it tears me up inside."

Buffy finally ditched passivity and brought her hands up to cup his face. "I don't want you to think that I'm not wanting you just as much. I am, Spike, I feel the same about you, and it scares the shit out of me that I look somebody in the eyes and I want to throw everything away to be with them."

"Love at first sight, pet."

Buffy smiled at that and bent down to kiss him softly. He tried to deepen it but she pulled away. "I don't think either of us knows what we're getting into with this." She tugged on his arms and he came to sit next to her, pulling her legs over his lap and wrapping his arms around her. She rested her head on his chest and closed her eyes. "What if we give in, and something happens, and Xander and Anya are off somewhere else physically or emotionally, and you've got nobody for the first time in a long time."

"I don't ca-"

"I do," she said interrupting him. "I can't bear the thought of you alone after all you've been through."

"What do you mean?"

Oh, shit. Guess he didn't know about our little chat. "Umm, I kind of talked to Willow and Tara. They told me some things. Well a lot of things I guess."

Spike stiffened and his arms fell limply to his sides. Buffy looked up at him, expecting anger and finding to her confusion, a lot of fear and insecurity. "They tell you about Dru?"

"Umm, I guess a little, they kind of skirted around that time period a lot."

He let out a small breath and turned his head. "You're right, pet, you don't know what you're in for." He squeezed his eyes shut and then looked back at her. "I'm not a good man, Buffy."

"What?"

"I've done things, a lot of terrible things, and I've paid for them, though not as much as I should have."

"They told me that you were in with a bad crowd, but they also told me that you realized your mistakes and changed."

She pulled him close to her and his arms came back to hold her, though they were hesitant to do so. "Sometimes, no matter how much you want to, you can't take back what you've done, can't make up for some things."

"I know that. I know a lot about regret."

They sat silent for a moment, holding onto each other tighter and tighter as time went by. Eventually they had their faces buried in each other's necks breathing shallowly and wishing they could ignore reality.

"Tell me what you want, Buffy." She looked at him with her brow furrowed and he elaborated. "Tell me what you want in a man, not me, just in general."

Buffy thought for a moment then began. "I guess, I want what I know I shouldn't, and because I know I shouldn't, it makes it impossible to really want wholeheartedly." She chuckled against his shoulder. "Does that make any sense?"

"Yeah, perfect sense, luv."

"So in the end, if I don't want to feel guilty about anything, I just want stable, secure, and good. Just the normal stuff. He doesn't have to be perfect, just content with himself. I think you have to be able to be around yourself all the time before you can expect somebody else to do it. I think I'm still working on that part."

Spike squeezed her to him and tried to swallow the traitorous tears that threatened to fall. She couldn't want him, not the real him. He was barely holding on at this point. Barely able to live with his past and the demons that haunted him if he thought about himself too hard. Self-reflection was a real fear for Spike, he hated what he'd found. Either a sad, bookish, love sick fool that went by William, or a dangerous, sad, love sick fool who drank too much, smoked too much, and did too many drugs. He was an addict, an alcoholic, a killer, a whore, and the biggest fucking disappointment his father ever had the misfortune of begetting.

"Kinda what this Riley bloke sounds like."

To say Buffy was surprised was an understatement. There was no malice or jealousy in Spike's voice when he said Riley's name. Just an emotion she couldn't quite identify that made his voice thick and rough. "I guess." She looked into his eyes and saw that he was trying to keep something in, it hurt her, but she understood, and if she wasn't in love before, she was beyond it now.

"So, that's it then?" she whispered sadly, her cheek against his, no longer caring that tears were pooling in her hazel eyes.

He would do one bloody thing right in his life, he was going to make sure she had everything he couldn't give her, and it was going to fucking kill him. "Yeah, think it is, luv."

She pulled back and rested her forehead against his, like he had earlier in the night. "Will you change your mind about the friends thing. I don't wanna lose you completely."

Spike nodded against her. "'Course, kitten, don't wanna lose you either." Can't lose you, I fucking love you too much.

Together they leaned in and their lips touched. Like each time before it was soft at first, but the knowledge that in a way it was goodbye caused it to pick up intensity until Spike had her pinned to the porch and both their tears mingled on their faces.

When she pulled back, Spike didn't try to get her to stay, he just helped her stand and held her to him lightly as he catalogued her every feature with the knowledge that barring a miracle, he'd never be this close again. Finally they separated and he wiped away her tears with his thumbs.

"No crying now, baby. 'S for the best." He smoothed her hair and forced himself to stop touching her. "I'm always here, luv, you ever need anything."

She nodded and clasped her hands behind her back to keep from reaching out to him. "Yeah, me too, really Spike. You're not going to scare me away." He gave a brief nod and she turned to walk back into the house.

"Buffy?"

She turned around and saw him, still outside with his hand up against the screen. "If I ever get content with myself, I'm coming after you."

She smiled softly. "I'd be disappointed if you didn't."

***