So we had made love, I had given him my virginity and we were deeply in love. I had even stopped imagining wild disasters that would ruin my life. I guess life always waits for you to get as high as possible, before throwing you back down to earth with a thump. Well, we had been together, happily for 7 months; I really should have known life is just not that simple.
Bad news always comes in the best guises and when Spike ran into my bedroom the most adorably excited look on his face, I could not have known what was going to happen next.
“What?” I asked, a big smile on my face, I could never get used to thrill I got just by seeing him.
“I got a letter this morning, from the Pipe’s!” He babbled “They want to give me a job!”
I stood and kissed him, “Well done,” I said happily, I knew he was looking for a position in a racing stable, instead of college and I was happy for him.
“Buffy, they are probably the best race horse trainers in the world! And they want me!” I was surprised he wasn’t bouncing up and down.
“When does it start? Where is it?” I asked, “What will you be doing?” I hoped it wasn’t too far. God, I hoped it wouldn’t be in Kentucky, I knew they bred horses there; I couldn’t bear to be that far from him. How little I knew…
“I fly to England the week after graduation.”
Thinking back, I’m sure he was just revelling in his dream and hadn’t stopped to think of the consequences.
“England, why England?” I asked, genuinely confused.
“That’s where the stables are, I’m going to need to work my way up, learn a lot but this is it. The best chance I’m ever going to get!”
My face fell and I felt tears pricking at the back of my eyes. “You…You’re going to England to live?” I wanted to be supportive, but I really don’t think that I was just then.
“I…” Spikes face fell as he suddenly got my meaning. “Oh baby,” He hugged me, his eyes getting brighter. “We’ll work something out. I Promise. I love you.”
He held me as I cried, soaking his shirt, before kissing me gently, pushing a stray lock of hair behind my ear.
The kiss became more passionate, both of us seeking comfort desperately as we fell backwards onto my bed.
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I was very confused; Spike and I had talked a lot about what we could do. He begged me to apply to college in England, it would only be a year before I could be with him again, I could study art anywhere. This was his dream.
The only problem was, I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to be so far away from my friends, my family. I was selfish. Looking back, I can’t believe I did it. I asked him to stay, begged him to accept on of the other offers, knowing full well what this meant to him. I was such a bitch.
Also I was worried, long distance relationships don’t work. He would find somebody in England and wouldn’t want me there, or I would give up everything and it wouldn’t work out, I would be stuck in a foreign country, thousands of miles from everyone and I would be all alone. I just didn’t have the strength to do this.
I remember endless conversations with Willow as April turned into May and Spike’s graduation came closer. I couldn’t do this and it was a conversation with Dru that caused me to make up my mind.
“My Spike’s sunshine is setting” She said flicking her hair back and looking at me with unusually sane eyes.
“Dru, what are you saying?” I asked, concerned.
“My Spike needs to live in the dark for a while, Sunshine.” I couldn’t work it out; she always called me Sunshine when she was having on of her moments, but the look in her eyes was not the same far away look she normally got.
“Dru, honey, are you still with me?” I asked her, searching her face.
She sighed. “Yes Buffy, I’m here, I just don’t want to be. You are going to cause him a great deal of pain. You already are.”
I realised then exactly what I needed to do. It was better for both of us, I mean honestly, who ends up with their high school sweetheart anyway?
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Once I had made the decision, I knew I couldn’t put it off otherwise I would just give in and that would cause us a great deal more pain in the future. I drove to the ranch, trying to imagine how I was going to do this. I stupidly didn’t think that being honest would be a good idea.
I found him brushing mystic, looking amazing in a simple jeans and t-shirt, I almost lost it all then, looking at him, my heart flew into my throat as he looked up and grinned. I’d been avoiding him and I knew it hurt him.
“Hey pet. This is a nice surprise. To what do I owe the pleasure?” He was pleased to see me, but the last question definitely had a bite to it. Yep, he was pissed.
“What are you going to do with Mystic?” I asked, ignoring his question, for the time being.
“He’s gonna stay here, aren’t you boy?” He spoke to the horse, which seemed to respond to him by shaking its head. “Tina’s going to take care of him for me.” He looked at me with enquiring eyes, “So, I know you’re not here to ask about Mystic.” He gestured to a bale of hay, “So why don’t we sit down and you can tell me what’s on your mind.”
We sat; I didn’t like the strained silence between us, or how far he was away from me. I tried to speak more than once, but the words would die before I could get them out of my mouth. I started to cry, just silent tears, running down my face.
“Luv, please don’t cry” Spike’s face was anguished as he moved closer and touched my hand, “you know I can’t bear it when you cry”
“Spike, I want to break up”
“What!” He jerked away from me; I looked away from him, fixing my eye on a bridle hanging on the wall.
“I’m sorry, I just… I can’t do this… It hurts too much.”
He moved around to kneel in front of me, tears in his eyes, “Baby please don’t do this to me… To us. I love you” I continued to cry as his hand reached out to cup my face.
“Spike, please don’t make this any harder for me. You’re leaving soon and it’s killing me inside to know that I’m going to have to live without you.”
“So what?” He snapped, getting angry “First hard thing that pops up, you’re just going to run off huh?” He stood and punched the stable door I was frightened, his anger seemed to be a living thing, floating around him. He turned back to me. “Guess I know how you really feel about me huh? I’m worth giving your virginity to, but I’m not worth waiting for! If that’s all you wanted, why didn’t you just break it off back then?”
“Spike…” I whispered brokenly.
“No you know what, I don’t care. I don’t care you hear me?” He had been yelling, but his voice fell to a whisper before he turned out the door “Just stay the fuck away from me okay”
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Author's Chapter Notes:
So, not only have I not delivered on the smut I promised, but here's the angst... I'm sorry, but it's there to give the story some kind of plot (weak though it is!) Also, for those of you who don't know, David Pipe is probably the best race horse trainer there is. Only one more chapter to go...