Buffy is giggling like a child and she knows she should stop but she can’t. It’s just too funny.
What’s funny? Everything’s funny! Every little thing, and oh! Where’s he going?
“Where are you going?”
“To get you another drink babe.”
She looks at the glass in her hand. It’s only three quarters empty.
It’s only her first drink!
She giggles some more; her first drink? That’s funny!
He comes back before she even noticed he was gone and he has another drink in his hand.
“For you babe.” He says, and she laughs, drinking from both.
“Yum yum.”
“You like that one?” he asks, and she nods enthusiastically.
“Fruity.” She comments.
It occurs to her that she hasn’t checked for Angel in a while, so she sweeps her emerald eyes over the party in front of her. Everyone else seems to be laughing too. Maybe they knew what’s funny.
She wants to ask them but she can’t be bothered.
“I think we should go upstairs.” Says her companion, and she giggles at that too.
“No.” she tells him in a silly voice. “I told you- I’m waiting for my boyfriend.”
“Don’t think he’s coming babe.”
“How’d you know?” she asks, pointing a finger at him, then laughing when he pokes it. She tries to look serious as she says. “No, I should wait for him down here and stuff and.”
“I don’t think you mean that.” Her companion replies in a voice that’s suddenly impatient.
“What?” she asks, “I do- do mean that. Mean what?”
“You want to come upstairs with me really, don’t you?”
Buffy feels suddenly frightened, and she tries to force herself to sober up fast.
“N-No.” she stutters, glancing away from him to see if there’s anybody nearby who can help her. “I don’t know what y-you mean.”
“Well look at yourself.” He says, a tight smile playing across his lips. “You’re telling me you didn’t come here to get screwed, wearing an outfit like that?”
Buffy glances down at the short skirt she had chosen to impress Angel and her friends, and it made her feel suddenly sick.
“N-No.” she says, then more forcefully. “No. I’m here to meet my boyfriend.”
“Well, where is he then?” the guy asks, pretending to look around. “I don’t see him anywhere, babe.”
“H-He’s…”
Suddenly nothing is funny anymore.
He’s sitting too close to her, his face right up against hers.
“He’s not here.” He tells her in a mocking voice. “Boo hoo. Guess you’ll have to hang out with me upstairs after all.”
Buffy looks up into his bleary eyes, and her own are streaked with undeniable terror. “What?”
He smirks; his expression dark. “Are you stupid?”
Buffy stumbles to her feet, but the alcohol must have had a gutting effect on her, because she falls right over again, letting out a small cry as she feels his arms encircle her.
“No!” she yells out, her eyes frantically scanning the party for any signs of help.
Half unconscious party-goers laugh dumbly at her struggles as the guy carries her toward the staircase.
“No!”
“Hey Buff!” calls Angel, catching up with her in the school corridor. She’s walking on her own for once and her face is downcast. “You alright?”
“Fine.” She says absently, before walking on without him.
Angel watches her go with an annoyed expression on his face. He assumes she’s pissed at him for not leaving her to party alone on Saturday night. Big deal.
He doesn’t know what happened to her in his absence.
He doesn’t know that she’s dead inside.
“Stupid bitch doesn’t know what she’s missing out on.” Drusilla murmurs into his mouth, later that night.
Prom is one week before their anniversary.
She wears a sophisticated red dress that dips dangerously low between her breasts and clings to her body in all the right places.
She bought it before she was raped.
She wears it now in the same way that anybody else would wear a mask; hiding her true self behind her old front, because the dress is everything she used to be; beautiful, bold, brave, daring.
She isn’t those things anymore. He took that away from her.
Angel doesn’t seem to notice the change that has happened within her. She knows this when she feels his eyes sweep over her as if she is some kind of object. She feels like a candle with no wick; unusable, but still pretty to look at.
“You look beautiful.” He tells her, and she forces herself to produce that same mindless smile that used to come so easily to her. The smile that’s getting harder and harder to fake everyday.
She knows she’s going to break down soon, and what happens when Angel realises that she’s broken?
“Thank you.” She tells him. “You look good too.”
“I know.” He kids.
For a second she feels normal.
Then he puts his hand on her arm and she isn’t so sure that she can do this. But she has to. The smile is back again, but weaker than ever before.
She stands in front of the camera lens, half an hour later; she’s surrounded by friends, but she’s never felt so alone in all her life.
“Smile!”
Angel’s arms encircle her and she smiles more boldly than ever before; letting her red lips consume her face. A mask, that’s what she’s wearing.
Not a smile; a mask.
This isn’t who she is. She shouldn’t be here. These people; they’re all empty, soulless. Have any of them even noticed how broken she has become? Do they even care?
These horribly fake, uncaring people.
All around her they smile happily, pretending as much as she is. They’re not her friends; they never have been.
But that’s when she realises; she was one of them.
And now she isn’t.
But that doesn’t even matter, because without them, she’d be even more alone than she already is. And she needs somebody to keep her grounded; to keep her alive.
“Happy anniversary Buffy.”
She feels sick. She needs to tell him; to tell him everything that has happened.
But she can’t; he’s the last person she can tell. He’ll never ever understand.
For this latest twist, he’ll blame her.
He’s in her bedroom, holding a pink-wrapped gift out towards her.
She should be relaxed; this is the night she’s been looking forward to for the best part of a year. This is Angel; she knows Angel; she loves Angel. It’s fine now. Everything’s fine- and of course, everything will work out.
“Thank you.”
It’s a necklace with a heart shaped pendant.
She lifts her hair away from her neck and he secures it for her before trailing a finger down her spine and murmuring, “Buffy…”
She shivers and wants to run.
“I’ve waited so long for this Buffy.”
“Oh God!”
Buffy knows there’s panic in her voice, but she can’t conceal it.
“What?”
“Angel, I don’t think I can do this.”
Tears appear in her eyes, but he wipes them away.
“Shh…” he says soothingly, and she feels herself swaying in his arms. “Buffy, it’s okay. I’ve got you. It’s gonna be okay. You can do this.”
She feels swamped by love for him, and she knows she’ll have to do this some time. Why not do it with a man that she loves.
“I can do this.” She agrees in a whisper, making him smile. “I can. You’re right.”
“Of course I’m right babe.” He lays a hand on her waist and she freezes.
Suddenly she’s backing away from him. She can’t help it.
Terror fills her eyes. Angel’s staying the night? Whoever came up with this stupid idea? What if he wanted to do it more than once? What would she do? What could she do.
“No.” she says quickly, “Angel no, I can’t…”
He keeps his eyes patient. “Can’t what babe?”
The word babe makes her feel violently sick.
“I can’t do this.” she indicates around the room, towards the bed. “I can’t sleep with you. I can’t.”
The loving patience slips away from Angel’s eyes.
“What?”
“I’m sorry, I just can’t.”
“What?”
“Please, Angel, try to understand.”
He stares at her for a moment; recalling his own words in his head as he looks at her. ‘Just a girl; a kid.’
She really is.
“You know what Buffy, fine.” He says, thinking of Drusilla and her willing body. “I think I’ll just leave actually.”
“No Angel- you don’t have to-”
“Oh, I really do.”
He’s halfway to the door when he notices something half hidden beneath Buffy’s school bag.
A pregnancy test.
He says nothing more to her as he leaves.
“A pregnancy test?” Drusilla repeats, incredulous. She’s walking down the school corridor, surrounded by Angel’s friends, as well as Darla and Cordy. “You’re kidding, you mean…”
“She’s been sleeping around.” Angel supplies. “Because I have never slept with her. In fact, I was under the impression that she’s a virgin.”
Drusilla giggles, and Darla and Cordy both look awe-struck, before joining in the laughter.
“Oh my God,” says Darla, her voice a dry lull, “She really had us believing that she was one of us.”
“Oh she so didn’t.” Cordy protested, “I, like, always knew we were better than her. I’ve just been waiting for it to come out.”
Darla rolls her eyes as she says, “She is so not one of us anymore.”
At that moment, Buffy rounds the corner, and the group that proceeds towards her show no sign of backing down.
“Hey Buffy.” Drusilla says, standing between Buffy’s two best friends. “You alright.”
Buffy looks slightly wary as she says, “I’m fine, thank you.”
“Good good. So, I’ve been screwing Angel.” At Buffy’s confused look, she elaborates. “You know, since you seem more intent on screwing other people anyway.”
Buffy stares at Drusilla; her eyes swamping with tears.
She really hadn’t just said that, had she?
Her eyes drift to Angel, and her heart clenches painfully in her chest as he smirks at her slightly, before retreating back to stand beside the brunette.
“Angel?” she asks. How had he even found out? “You told them?”
And then she sees her other friends join him.
The best friends who had been all she had known since the very first day of Kindergarten. Now they’re just looking at her with expressionless faces; portraying no emotion, no remorse.
Buffy’s finding it hard to breathe.
“You brought this on yourself Buffy.” Drusilla says, and Buffy finds herself suddenly conscious of the crowd gathering around them. “What did you think would happen?”
Buffy can’t respond; can’t speak. Don’t they know she couldn’t breathe right now? How on earth is she supposed to respond?
“You are not one of us.” says Darla in a cold voice.
“You’re out.” agrees Cordelia.
“I’m just glad that Angel refused to sleep with you.” adds Drusilla, making Buffy’s eyes go wide.
That’s what he’d told them? But that isn’t true; it was her who had refused. But how could she ever explain that to her once-friends, without revealing what had happened to her at the party Angel had never turned up to, all those weeks ago.
“You’re a slut.” spits Angel, “A dirty little slut.”
They all turn and walk away, leaving Buffy standing alone like a broken doll on the verge of collapse.
It takes her a few moments to realise that Drusilla is still standing before her, and the quiet words that the dark haired girl whispers to her next are enough to transform Buffy’s tears of loss into a snarl of rage.
“You better hope you’re not pregnant.” Drusilla hisses. “Because unless you get rid of that thing, no man will ever look twice at you again.”
Buffy’s face contorts with anger-filled hate, “How dare you?” she screams, launching herself at the brunette and pushing her to the ground. How dare that bitch think she can just tell Buffy what she would do with her life?
“Oh, I dare!” Drusilla is laughing, well aware of the crowd that has regrouped around them, loudly chanting the word ‘fight!’ over and over. “Buffy, I have everything now. You have nothing. Nothing.”
Buffy’s anger is mingled with pain, and tears begin to wet her cheeks as she punches the other girl, hard, in the face. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” she sobs.
Drusilla pushes her over, hitting her in return, and wrenching some of her golden hair out for good measure.
“You think anyone cares about you now?” Drusilla asks, “Everyone knows what you are.”
“Well then, it won’t take them long to realise what you are, will it?”
“Don’t try and be smart with me.” Drusilla snarls. And then a coy smirk spreads across her face. “Except you’re not smart, are you? Angel told us as much.”
With that, Buffy feels herself letting go of her self-restraint, and she lets her neatly manicured nails meet Drusilla’s pale, unblemished neck.
She digs deep; causing a gash that will later become an ugly scar.
She loses the ability to care about what they think of her as some of the other kids drag her away from Dru.
And when she goes home that night, a changed girl, she swears she’ll never let anyone hurt her the way they have done today; not ever again.
She flips through the pages of her yearbook, then finds the picture she’s looking for.
Rip.
She tears it out and scrawls over her own face; her own forced smile.
“Never again.” She murmurs as she destroys the mask that has covered her for so long. “I wish this girl was never born. I never want to be like her.”
She covers her face with the angry black lines, letting the tears drip down from her nose. Then she shoves the picture into her note book, wiping the salty water from her face and turning a new page in her life.
She’s never going to be that girl ever again. She’s never going to be who they want her to be.
Even if it means she never speaks to another person for the rest of her life.
She has to do the right thing, after all, she’s going to be a mother now.
A/N: Thank yoooooooooooooou!! Please review, it means the world to me. And phew, I can’t wait to write the next chapter and get back to talking about Spike again! I feel like I miss him!!
Thanks again guys, you’re all super