There was humiliation in her eyes.
“Why did you come here?”
Spike didn’t know what to say to her now. The baby in her arms was crying again, and Buffy was struggling to keep a hold of him as he thrashed around.
“Well?” she asked, trying to hold back embarrassed tears. It was bad enough that he had rejected her, but now he was just standing there and gawking at her in silence like she was some kind of circus freak. “Spike, please don’t make me-”
“I came to apologise.” He said quickly, and for a moment Buffy merely blinked.
“What?”
“Sorry.” He said. “Truly; I never meant to hurt you Buffy.” He seemed to think this statement over for a moment, before quietly adding, “Well actually, maybe I did, but I mean, well I didn’t know… I mean, I was wrong. I shouldn’t have… You know, done it.”
Now Buffy was staring at him. He shouldn’t have done what? Stood her up?
“It’s not like it’s the first time someone’s stood me up.” She said; and she seemed to visibly toughen as she said these words. Suddenly she wanted nothing more than to prove how strong she was. “I’m not bothered.”
“No, not standing you up.” Spike said, “I mean the plan- Dru’s plan. I never should have agreed to go along with it.”
At this, Buffy deflated. Spike watched with slight horror as the strength seemed to ebb away from her and she looked suddenly old and sad.
“Oh.” she said. She looked beyond hurt; she looked like he’d left scars on her heart. Like a girl who had suffered through a tremendous amount in her life. “There was a plan.” She held her baby closer to her chest as her eyes dropped to the floor and she muttered, “Of course there was a plan.”
“No, Buffy-” Spike said, feeling the guilt rotting away in his gut at the sight of her broken expression, “The point is I was wrong. Those people, they’re not human. They’re utterly soulless.”
“I know.”
“And I shouldn’t have gone along with it.” He added, “I don’t know why I did- I… I.” he stuttered slightly before finally admitting, “I guess I was a little blinded by Drusilla for a while back there.”
This seemed to snap Buffy out of her reverie, and she glared up at him as she said, “That’s great.” Drusilla, she was thinking, it’s always Drusilla. “Well, you’ve said your bit, so why don’t you just leave me alone now. I’ll tell Joyce that I have to quit and-”
“No, Pet,” he interrupted quickly, “I said a little bit blinded and only for a while it’s over now Buffy.” He wanted so badly to get through to her that she was so much better than the dark haired girl could ever be. So much better than himself. “You’re… Buffy, you’re so far above me.” He didn’t know why, but he knew he was right.
Buffy glared at him sarcastically, before looking pointedly at her surroundings; at her clothes; at her son.
“Right.” She agreed. “I’m like, the highest standing girl in the world right now.”
“I don’t mean with material things.” Spike replied; irritated by her refusal to appreciate her own worth. “You’re so strong. So beautiful. You’ve been through so much, but you’re still here.”
Her eyes swamped with tears as she snapped, “How the Hell would you know?” before adding, “Spike, you don’t even know me. Not in the slightest.” Her small son wrapped his arms around her neck in a child’s subconscious offer of comfort. “All you know is what they’ve told you; that I’m a slut.” she spat the word, “That I sleep around that I’m not worth your time.”
“I know that everything they told me was a lie.”
“Really?” she asked, “Then why do I have a son at seventeen? Why am I living in this shit-hole?”
She wanted him to wise up. For some reason she wanted him to think that she was a bad, strong person. Because it was better than him knowing the truth. As long as he believed the lies that they had told him then he could never get close enough to hurt her again.
“I am a slut.” She said, contradicting everything her friends had told him over the past few days. “I do sleep around.”
Spike stared at her, his expression unreadable as he said. “D’you know what? I don’t believe you. Not for a second.”
“Well then, why are you still here?” she asked, “I know guys. I know guys pretty well in fact. They only ever stick around if they think there’s a chance I might screw them. You obviously still think I’m going to put out.”
Spike felt a rush of sadness that she’d only ever been acquainted with guys like that.
“Buffy, I swear that’s not why I’m here.”
And at that, she visibly softened. Spike saw her sag, and he knew in that moment that he wanted nothing more than to make her smile again; her real, genuine smile,
“Please,” he said, “Just tell me what happened. Tell me what I can do to make it up to you.”
Buffy stared at him. Tell him what happened? God, what a request. She’d never told anybody. Not even Xander, Willow or Faith really knew where Harrison had come from. She’d told them she had fallen in love with her parent’s gardener, and they had had him deported when they’d found out that he had impregnated their daughter.
The idea of telling someone that she had been… raped. It turned her stomach. She’d never even said the word aloud.
It was like a taboo.
Not even when her parents had demanded to know how she could possibly be pregnant. They asked if the baby was Angel’s, and when she said no they’d hit the roof. But it was nothing at all, however, compared to how they had reacted when she had told them she didn’t really know who the father was.
They never even considered that perhaps she had been raped. They threw her out and told her to never come back.
She’d met Faith at a homeless shelter two weeks later. Faith had been serving in the soup kitchens as part of her community service, following her connection to a newsagent’s robbery, a couple of years back.
For some reason, the sight of the fallen prom queen had softened Faith’s otherwise frosty heart, and the brunette had found herself unable to leave Buffy at the shelter. She said that as long as the blonde found employment soon enough, then she was welcome to stay at her place.
Buffy had no misconceptions about the fact that Faith had definitely saved her life that night.
Her school life, meanwhile, had become hell. She looked God-awful and she was getting bigger and bigger everyday. She found herself hiding in the library whenever she could, and it was this that led to her tight friendship with the school librarian, Rupert Giles.
Giles had become a father figure to her, and he helped her through the most difficult of times.
The school library had two other regular occupants, Willow and Xander. At first, Willow was incredibly weary of the EX-prom Queen; remembering clearly, the day Buffy had reduced her to tears as she attempted to tutor Angel with his maths, but after a while Willow too had softened to her, realising that Buffy really had changed, and was just as lonely and heartbroken as she appeared to be. Xander, on the other hand, took some convincing. He saw Buffy as a stuck-up little princess and he had no idea why Willow was even bothering to speak to her.
It was after he had witnessed Buffy being hurled abuse at and mocked as she desperately tried to get away, that he realised his continued hatred was merely further harming an already broken girl.
He had driven her to Willow’s house and the three new friends had embraced and sworn themselves to friendship.
Buffy was in the library with Giles, Xander and Willow when her waters broke, and they all went with her to the hospital; holding her hand and telling her over and over that everything would be okay. Faith met them at the maternity ward, and she too had been accepted into the folds of friendship.
After that Buffy had needed no one else, and as long as they didn’t know the real truth about what had happened, they couldn’t look down on her and lose the fragile respect they had formed for her.
After all, what would they really think of her if they knew she had been raped?
But now, here in front of her stood a man. Someone who had deceived her and hurt her, deliberately, but asking for her forgiveness. Asking to be let in to her very soul.
She regarded him as one would regard a dangerous snake. He could hurt her; he had the potential. But did that mean that he would?
Was it time to finally take a risk?
Her voice was hesitant as she spoke. “Come in.”
The inside was pretty much just as bad as the out, but Buffy didn’t hang her head. She felt proud of what she had accomplished, after all, she had started out this new life of hers with nothing at all.
Faith glared at Spike as he passed her into the box filled sitting room, and he offered her a weak smile.
“B, what are ya doing?” Faith asked, turning away from Spike with disgust. “You know this guy is full of Bull.”
“I know Faith.” Buffy replied, “But I figure if I give him my life story, he might just lay off.”
Her joke was half true. At least if he really was still a jerk, and this was still part of his big evil Drusilla plan, then maybe hearing the truth of all that had happened to her would make him think twice before trying to hurt her.
“What time are you leaving Faith?”
The brunette glanced at her watch, and looked instantly saddened. “Ziggy’s gonna be here with the van in a couple’a minutes.”
Buffy felt her breath leave her as she thought about the prospect of taking care of herself without her best friend’s help.
“B, you know I’ll always be there for you.” Faith said, recognising the look on the blonde’s face. “At the other end of the phone whenever you need me chick.”
“I know.”
“Gonna miss you champ.” Faith said to the baby who she took from Buffy’s arms. “It’s been cool, watching you grow up kidddo.”
The boy laughed as Faith threw him up into the air, catching him haphazardly and swinging him around. Buffy didn’t look worried.
“Promise me you’ll visit.”
“All the time. You’ll be sick of the sight’a me.”
Buffy grinned, then Faith turned to Spike.
“Hurt her and I’ll frickin’ kill you.”
There was a knock at the door before he could respond, and Faith passed the baby boy back to Buffy before gathering her boxes and heading to the door.
“I’ll see you around B.” she threw over her shoulder, and Buffy smiled slightly when she heard the door slam.
Faith had never been too good with goodbyes, still, she had a feeling she’d be seeing her again soon anyway.
“Bye.” She said to the closed door.
It took a few moments before she remembered Spike was still standing behind her, and she turned to smile softly at him.
“I’m going to tell you how I got here; and where I’ve been.” She told him as the decision made itself for her. “And then you’re going to make a deal with me.”
“A deal?”
“Yes.”
“A deal about what?” he asked, looking slightly worried.
“You’ll see.” Buffy replied.
A/N: Ooooh, please please review if you liked it! Thank you so so so so so much to all of you for all your [constructive criticism] and fantastic reviews so far- every time I read what you have to say about my story, I get the tinglies! So thank you very much, you have no idea how much it means to me.