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Chapter Eleven

Buffy stared at him, wide-eyed. Those were words she never expected coming out of his mouth. Wished? Yes. Dreamt about? Every night. But never, ever had she thought he would tell her right out.

"You… what?" she whispered, voice dropping to barely above a whisper.

"Buffy," he grimaced, his face pained, as if saying the words physically hurt him. "I love you."

There they were again. Those words. Was she dreaming again? Probably not, she realized, her eyes hardening again. If it had been a dream, Drusilla would not have existed.

"Are you sure?" she asked, instantly cringing and regretting her words. Why did she have to sound so vulnerable? So hopeful?

His features softened and he ventured closer to her, bringing a hand up to gently caress her cheek with the back of his knuckles. Spike felt like he was about to burst open, explode, emotionally combust. Just the fact that she didn't shy away from him was enough for now.

"I've never been more sure, love," he murmured, taking another step towards her. He was so close now that she had to crane her neck upwards slightly to look him in the eye. Spike ducked his head down and rested the side of his face against her neck, breathing slowly against her shoulder. "I can't help it, this feeling. I've been fighting for so long and - "

His voice broke off and Buffy closed her eyes, trying to control her body's shaking. She felt him press his lips against the curve of her neck and shivered.

"I'm so sorry, Buffy."

God, she thought, taking a deep breath. He smelled good and was it really a bad thing that all she wanted was to fall into his arms?

"Sorry for what?" she asked. His arms crept around her body and pulled her even closer.

He didn't answer her. Instead, he looked into her eyes for a split second, and before she could think, his lips were on hers.

At first, she froze. His kiss wasn't gentle. It was desperate. And damn if she wasn't desperate, either. Her eyes slid closed and her arms found their own way around his neck and suddenly, she was being hauled up against a tree, pinned between his body and the grating, hard bark.

Everything in the world told her that this was stupid and yet… she couldn't stop. So much was left unsaid and yet… it didn't really need to be said. All that mattered right now was his mouth against hers.

When he pulled back, he was panting and rested his forehead against hers.

"This… doesn't solve anything," she tried to say, but she could feel her resolve breaking. Damn her weakness.

He stiffened for a few seconds before relaxing and pressing his soft lips to her cheek.

"That means there's something to be solved then, yeah?" he asked, voice husky and deep and she just really wanted him to kiss her again. "It means that you're not going to give up on me?"

She laughed humorlessly and nodded, burying her face into his shoulder.

"I like you too much to just give up," she sighed.

For a while, they stayed like that, holding onto each other as tightly as they could. Buffy's thoughts wandered to darker moments and memories, but Spike's light breathing seemed to always pull her out of them. He was so very real and so very hard, so very much in front of her and so very there. And for now, she mused, that's all I'll ask for.


…………

Things always seemed different at night. It didn't matter that Spike's arm was draped around her waist or that she could feel the hard lines of his body pressed up against hers as he held her. It didn't matter that the soreness of an entire afternoon together was keeping her up or that he told her again and again how much he loved her.

At night, words were shadows and shadows lurked, dodged, and never stayed in one place. At night, the boulders you leaned on disappeared and all you had was yourself. And it was at night when the doubts piled up again.

Buffy sat up and Spike's arm fell to the side. She looked at him for a few seconds to make sure he didn't wake up, then slowly stood and tip-toed to the door of Spike's bedroom.

The entire house was dark and quiet as she made her way through the halls and into the bathroom.

"I can't do this," she whispered to her reflection after she flicked on the lights and closed the door.

Who were they fooling? Maybe Spike thought he loved her - but she was going back to school in less than a month. They would never work.

They were such different people. He was… impulsive. His emotions were extremes, he was overwhelming. He had hurt her once. He could do it again, so easily. Buffy twisted the knob and put her hands under the faucet, barely flinching when the icy cold water splashed her skin.

The water on her face cleared her mind a bit and she knew what she had to do.

The bathroom lights closed and she tip-toed back down the hallway into Spike's room. When she slipped through his door, he grunted, twisting in his sheets. She looked at him, sleeping with the pillow nestled in his arms and almost forgot her plan. His pale skin reflected the moonlight shining through the window and she found herself reaching towards him.

At the last minute, she retracted her hand.

"Goodbye," she whispered and turned around, walking out of his room, out of his house, and into her car.

She couldn't cry. She was too empty to cry. Instead, she picked up her cell phone and called the airport.

…………

It was morning. He smiled, remembering everything that happened the other day - the words, the kisses, the way she felt in his arms… he opened his eyes and squinted.

The sheets were rumpled and her scent still lingered, but she was gone.

…………

"Are you sure you know what you're doing?" Angel asked, a weary smile on his face. Buffy bit her lip. No, she didn't know what she was doing anymore.

"Yeah," she lied, reaching out to hug her big brother. "I miss Boston and it's better for me to go back early."

Angel just sighed and shook his head before pressing a kiss on her forehead.

For a long moment, they stood there, smiling at each other.

"Take care of yourself, okay?"

"Yeah, sure," Buffy grinned. "I love you. Don't be a stranger - feel free to visit or call or write or email or - "

"Yeah, yeah," he rolled his eyes, then pushed her towards the security check-in. "Get out of here."

She laughed and backed away, waving.

I wont regret this, she thought to herself, turning around and getting into line. I'll go back home and forget any of this ever happened.



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AN: Don't worry, this isn't the end! One or two more chapters to go. Hopefully, it'll be done within the week - Spring break and all that.





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