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”What ever makes you happy,
Whatever you want,
You’re so fuckin’ special,
I wish I was special.
But I’m a creep,
I’m a weirdo,
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here,
I don’t belong here…” Radiohead, Creep

Buffy watched Spike as he cooed at his son, taking his finger and allowing Brandon to wrap his finger around it in his sleepy state. His eyes immediately grew wet.

”Oh, God,” he whispered hoarsely.

“He’s amazing isn’t he?” Buffy asked softly.

“He is,” Spike said, his voice clogged with emotion.

“He blows me away everyday and all he does mostly is sleep and eat.”

He gazed at her in awe, “You gave birth to him.”

She smiled, “I did.”

“I asked how you did at the hospital.”

She stared at him, confused. “What do you mean?”

“I stayed. To see him.”

“Doyle never—“ she started, but was interrupted when Doyle came round the corner.

“Ah, the father,” he said bitterly.

Spike straightened. “Hello.”

“What do you want?” Doyle demanded, crossing his arms across his chest.

“I came to see my son.”

“Well, now you have so you can just toddle off now.”

“Doyle!” Buffy exclaimed as Brandon burped in her ear. Sighing she shook her head. Son came first, then drama. “I’m going to put him down for his nap,” she announced and shot Doyle a warning glare, “Play nice.”

Doyle shook his head, grumbling.

“Can I …” Spike started and broke off, clearing his throat, “Can I come with you?”

Buffy hesitated. What could it hurt to have him come with her, and yet at the same time, what good could come of it? Looking at Doyle, he was giving her a look that pretty much told her she’d be making a big mistake if she let him in. On the other hand…this was his son. Sure, she’d been all conviction-girl with the not telling when she was pregnant, but now that Brandon was here and Spike was here she felt she couldn’t keep Brandon from him and yet she was afraid to at the same time.

“Sure, you can come,” she said and ignored the disapproving look she was getting from Doyle. Maybe I’ll just never learn.

He followed her to Brandon’s room, the yellow and white room bright and inviting with the sun pouring in, causing everything to seem brighter and more chipper than they really were.

“I like the Humpty theme,” Spike murmured.

“Thanks. I didn’t really know what to do since I didn’t know the sex, but this seemed to work out well enough.”

Spike watched her place Brandon in his basinet, marveling at how tiny his son was, how handsome, and how much like the both of them mixed together. There was no doubt that was his child. No doubt at all.

“He’s a good sleeper for the most part,” Buffy explained. “He sleeps usually three to four hours at a time, eats, and is up for about two and a half hours or so before he goes back to sleep. Which makes it difficult since he eats every four so I’m trying to figure out if I should try to keep him up for that last hour and a half or if I should feed him just a little bit before he goes down.” Reaching out, she brushed a hand down his soft cheek. “Those are the big questions so far.”

“He’s beautiful, luv.”

“He really is.”

She straightened and stared at him over the crib for a minute before taking his sleeve and leading him away, shutting the door behind him. She led him down the hall to her bedroom and Spike felt a lump grow. Where we created him, he thought.

“What are you doing here?” she asked once she had shut the door.

“I told you, I came to see him.”

“Why?”

“What do you mean, why? He’s my son.”

“I’m not sure that you should be here.”

“Then why did you let me in?”

“I don’t know.”

“And why did you come and see me to tell me about him?”

“I …I don’t know.”

Spike narrowed his eyes. “I think you do know, or otherwise you would have kept mum about it in the first place.”

“Or I made a stupid mistake and now I wished I hadn’t done it.”

“Yet, you did.”

“Well, I can’t take it back now, can I?”

”No, you can’t, but…we can figure it out from here, yeah?”

“Have you left your wife?” she asked, wrapping her arms around herself.

Spike sighed, running a hand through his hair and rubbing slightly at his eyes. “No.”

“Then, no, I’m sorry; we can’t figure it out from here.”

He stepped back, feeling as though she’d just punched him. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, that as long as you are with your wife, you cannot see my son.”

”Our son.”

“As far as I’m concerned right now? Minor technicality.”

”How can you say that?” he roared,” We made him together, right here, in this room!”

“I only care about keeping my son safe and having him grow up in at least a semi-normal environment. That means I do not want his philandering father coming around and mucking him up with bad morals.”

“What about his liar mother not telling him about his father—not even bothering to tell his father until he’s already on the way out?”

“You have no right to come in here and start making judgment calls on me. Not after what you’ve done and are probably still doing,” Buffy said angrily, pointing at him.

“I’m not going to have Cecily involved, Buffy. She doesn’t even know about him.”

“Good, keep it that way. The last thing I need is that bitch getting her mitts on my son.”

“I wouldn’t let her near him, Buffy.”

“Yeah, cause you’ve done so well controlling that situation,” she snorted. “Please. Don’t start acting like you’re the man now when you’re not.”

“You bitch—“

“That’s right, I am. I am when it comes to that baby in there. He is the world to me and I’m not going to let you ruin him -- or me for that matter. You might think you’re getting the shit end of the stick here, but frankly, I don’t give a rat’s ass. Not after you lied to me and basically made me your whore. If I hadn’t found out when I did, God only knows how long you would have kept me in the dark. That is not the kind of environment I want my son to grow up in. He’s an innocent. He has a chance here, despite the fact that I’m a single mother. I’m not going to let him grow up in a screwed up environment where he thinks its normal for his father to have knocked up another woman while he’s married. No freaking way.”

“Jesus Christ, when the hell did you become so fucking pious all of a sudden? Maybe you should have kept your legs together instead of giving it up for me on the first night--”

That did it. He’d crossed that line. With a resounding slap, Buffy smacked Spike so hard across the face his head whipped to the side and she could see the tell-tale signs of a hand mark across his cheek.

“I already have to live with what I did, and more than likely, Brandon is going to hate me one day for it, but that’s nothing compared to having you come around and fuck him up more. I don’t give a shit if you think I’m some kind of whore. You made me one that night. I cared about you, you asshole. You made me believe in love at first sight… I thought we had something—”

“Buffy, we did, I’m sorry--”

“Yeah, I know. You’re sorry. You’re so fucking sorry. If you were so sorry then you wouldn’t be here behind your wife’s back and asking me to drag our son into the mess that is your life. My life might be a mess, Spike, but at least I can not only admit it, but I’m trying to do something about it. What the hell have you done?”





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