'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you'd only try turning around. ~ Anna Nalick Breathe (2AM)
Spike had pretty much gotten bitch-slapped; that’s what he figured anyway. It was the only way to describe how Buffy had firmly put him in his place and issued him an ultimatum.
He wanted to be mad at her, to tell her that she was being unreasonable and such an unnecessary pain in the arse, except he couldn’t. Because she was right. And he had nothing but respect for her and the fact that she wanted the best for her --their son-- and would see to it that he got the very best. She was a proud mother, and if provoked, a snarling Mama Bear.
She’d pretty much hit the nail on the head with him. What had he done to change the way things are? What kind of life was he leading – or not leading as the case may be? He knew there was a whole other life out there for him, a whole other person just waiting for him to be – the man he was supposed to be, the man he could have been if not for …everything. If he hadn’t gotten trapped into something he did not want, except…except that he’d really just ended up trapping himself, didn’t he? He’d allowed himself to stay stuck in the life he had out of fear, and made no move to change it -- not for the better anyway. And he could change things if he really wanted too, but why didn’t he? Fear.
He threw himself a pity party and never bothered to call it a night. Instead, he withdrew further and further into himself. He was a masochist, really. All he did, he didn’t really enjoy, it was an outlet for the anger he had built up inside him for feeling like a kept and restrained man. He felt sorry for himself and when he had no one to blame but himself for his position, he felt even worse. It was easy to blame others, that much more difficult to take the blame for your own mistakes. It took a kind of fortitude to say to yourself ‘I fucked up’ and even more to say ‘I am going to fix this in a positive way’. He’d done things in a negative way to make himself feel even shittier because that’s all he felt he deserved. And if he could drag others down with him, even better.
It also took, he wagered, a sense of self to make changes and to see things for how they were. Buffy seemed to have a sense of self in bundles, and he, well, he felt stinted in that area. At the time when he was just starting come into his own, and find out who he was, he met Cecily and became what she wanted him to be. He could see that now. As time grew, he realized he didn’t want to be that person, he wanted to be someone else. Being “Spike” wasn’t exactly him either. Who he was lay somewhere between the two and the only time he’d ever felt that he was that person was when he was with Buffy. William suffocated with Cecily, and Spike thrived. He wasn’t happy being all Spike, but there were aspects of him that he liked.
So now, sitting in an office that was not really his, but given to him as part of a package deal in a life he did not want any longer, Spike felt himself drift to fantasies of the person he wanted and needed to be for his son, for Buffy, and for himself. It was simply inconceivable to him to never see his son again, to never see him grow and to never be part of his life. He had two loving parents that had done everything they could for him, and he wanted Brandon to have that as well. How one could fall in love so instantly with their child was simply amazing to him. All it took was a look, and then a finger hold to seal it.
His heart ached as he sat there, watching the Boston skyline. He missed his son, and he missed Buffy. He missed the person he had started to become, and he wanted desperately to try and become that man again. He wanted to be the kind of father Brandon could look up to and be proud of; emulate. He wanted to deserve Buffy, to be part of her life and he wanted to be more than ‘Brandon’s father’. He wanted Buffy’s love. Though her being with Doyle did put a wrench into that. He’d wait, and even if he was never bestowed with her love, then he’d at least prove to her, and himself, that he in fact could be faithful to one woman for the rest of his life. And if there ever was such a woman that could make him do it, it was Buffy, of that he was sure.
He had to get out, and there was no more time for hemming and hawing, letting fear rule him and then end by being cowardly and not doing it, only to later take it out on some woman. It was time. Brandon was going to grow up fast, and he wasn’t getting any younger.
With a cleansing sigh that did little to calm his nerves for what he was about to do, Spike picked up the phone book and dialed the number he held in his hand on a Yellow Post it. “Hi, I saw an ad in the paper for the apartment and I’d like to see it. Today, if possible.”
Walking with Brandon was Buffy’s favorite part of the day. She got some fresh air; he got some fresh air, people stopped to gush at how adorable he was, and she felt connected to the world. Staying inside the house all day lost its appeal after a while. Once upon a time she’d harbored the fantasy of working out of the house and never having to leave her sanctuary. Now, she felt she’d rather put a bullet in her brain than even attempt that. She knew Faith was already considering staying home and not returning to work, however while Buffy pondered the idea, it was just not realistic and just not something she wanted to do. While the thought of leaving Brandon anywhere with anyone filled her with dread, she also knew there was no other way. She had to work, and even if she didn’t, she’d want to. Buffy was a woman that had to be on the move and in constant contact with others. Which was another reason to get out on their daily walk around Boston Common.
“Hello, Buffy.”
Stopping short, Buffy looked up to see Spike. She could hardly believe it. She’d seen neither hide nor hair of him for nine months after she’d walked out of his building that day, but now she couldn’t get rid of him. Not that she wanted to, and yet at the same time…God, it was confusing. Mostly he just annoyed her for resurfacing feelings that she did not want to revisit and most certainly wanted to put to rest.
“Hi.”
He leaned over the carriage, “How is he today?”
“He’s well. We’re taking our afternoon walk.”
“You take one every day?”
“Yes.”
“Same time?”
“Mostly. What are you doing?”
He straightened and met her gaze. “I’m on my way to look at an apartment.”
“Oh? Cecily kick you out?”
“No, that would never happen.”
“So…your recent fling doesn’t want to have to go back to her place all the time? Or, wait, I got it,” she held up her hand before he could speak, “Your married life is cutting into the bachelor lifestyle you lead on the side and it’d be more convincing that you were in fact single if you had your own pad.”
Rubbing the back of his neck, he shook his head, looking down. “Okay, I deserved that.”
“Yep. You did.”
“But that’s not it.”
“Then…?”
“I’m leaving her.”
Buffy’s jaw dropped, “You’re what?”
“I’m leaving her.”
“What brought that on?”
“You,” he pointed down to Brandon, “Him.”
“Wow.”
“You got me thinking the other day and you were right, Buffy. I haven’t done anything to get myself out of the mess I’m in. I figured it’s time I started doing something about that. You don’t want me to see him while I’m with her and ‘philandering’, then I’ll leave her.”
“And still whore yourself around?”
“No.”
“Just like that?”
“Just like that.”
“Yeah, that’ll work,” she said dryly.
“Buffy….” He sighed, “I’m terrified here, luv. I’m leaving my wife who, along with her family, can and most likely will smite me. It’s not peaches and cream with her—“
“Yeah, I got that memo in high school that she was the biggest bitch of the East Coast. How did you miss it?”
“I kept to myself in high school. I was more interested in the people in my books than the three dimensional people around me.”
“Guess you’re paying for that now, huh?”
“I’m paying for a lot of things now, Buffy.”
“You’ll have to excuse me if I don’t feel sorry for you.”
“I didn’t figure you would.”
“And you’ll also have to forgive me if I’m not exactly convinced that you’re actually going to follow through on it, or that I want to be around you if you do it, and if I even want you to have something to do with Brandon at all.”
“A paternity test can prove that he’s my son easily enough. You can’t keep him from me.”
“I can when the courts hear what you’ve done. I can damage you just as easily as Cecily.”
“Buffy, please… I’m trying,” he said dejectedly.
“That means nothing to me. I don’t see it. I hear talk and that’s it.”
“Then come with me.”
“Excuse me?”
“Come with me to see the apartment.”
“Why?” she asked incredulously.
“So you can see that I’m not just talking, that I’m doing something.”
“It’s going to take more than seeing an apartment to convince me, Spike.”
“Please, Buffy, just come have a look with me.”
Against her better judgment, and wanting to kick herself after it flew out of her mouth, Buffy replied with a “Fine” on a heavy sigh.