Should have let you go, should have had the sense to know
Like a train you'd come, and I'd lose my place
Now I'm on this trip, I took a fall from grace~ MadonnaThe Look of Love
Why, why, why am I going with him? Buffy thought as she followed Spike to his ‘apartment’, pushing Brandon along in his stroller. I must really be under it to be doing this. He hasn’t exactly been peaches and cream to me. I’m just the whore he knocked up in his eyes…so why is he doing this? Why am I doing this?
Deciding to put voice to that, Buffy came out with it. “Why are you doing this?” she asked.
“What do you mean why am I doing this? I thought it was clear.”
“Yeah, cause that’s what you are, Spike. Clear. Forthright. In fact, I can always count on you to give it to me straight. Honesty is your middle name--”
He stopped and turned to her. “Okay, I get it, pet.”
“No, I really don’t think you do get it, or ever will for that matter.”
“I just told you I was trying!”
“Yeah, you’re trying all right,” she muttered. “You have much more ‘trying’ to do than getting an apartment. That’s one step of many.”
“And what? You’re so incredibly flawless? You’ve never made a mistake?”
“How long have you been married to her?”
He stared at her. “Too long.”
“Define too long,” she said through clenched teeth.
“Five years,” he mumbled.
“Yeah, okay, so you’ve been making the same mistake repeatedly for five years. So…how many siblings will Brandon be going to school with?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Well, I’m just wondering how many aside from me you’ve knocked up.”
“None.”
“That you know of.”
“They would have told me.”
“How do you know? I wasn’t going to tell you,” she retorted, matter-of-factly.
He narrowed his eyes curiously, “And what made you tell me anyway?”
“I’m a glutton for punishment I guess.”
He heaved a sigh and met her eyes, looking at her imploringly, “Buffy, look. I don’t believe I have ‘knocked up’ anyone else. As far as I know, you’re the first. I’m usually very steadfast about using protection. You…you were the first that I…” he shook his head, “You made me lose my head. I wanted you so much I couldn’t see straight. All I could see and feel was you.”
Buffy staved of a shiver at his words and tried her best to not let those words affect her, even if she felt a stirring of something in her belly. She’d felt the same way. It did not however, change the fact that he’d lied. Lied to many, not just her. It brought to the forefront the question of how could she in actuality feel anything for him at all when all of it had been one gigantic fabrication? He most likely presented himself in a manner that was conducive to getting her where he wanted her: In bed.
Though, she was the moron that fell for it all. She knew the games men played, knew the lines and the moves…she should have known. And yet, she didn’t. She thought it was real. It felt real. But it wasn’t. She felt split down the middle when it came to him, and being around him. One part of her wanted to fall back in his arms and have him make it all okay, and the other part wanted to rail at him –the way she was currently—for making her believe him, for hurting her, for being the kind of man that cheated on his wife. She’d engaged in an affair once before and she swore to never do it again. No woman should do something like that to another woman. Men screwed women over well enough on their own without assistance from their ‘sisters.’
“I have made mistakes, you know. And I regret a lot of them,” she said softly. “A lot of what I’ve done would probably put me in the same category as you.”
“Maybe you could cut me some slack then, Buffy.”
She shook her head, “I don’t know you well enough to cut you any slack. Which, really, right there is indication enough of how right you were for calling me a whore.”
He sighed, “Buffy, I don’t think you’re a whore.”
“Nice back pedal, but I’m sure that’s what you think of most of the women you ‘bag’. Not many good girls go for one-night-stands, and in my weak defense, I really thought we had a connection that night. But then, you’re most likely used to hearing those things aren’t you?”
“Would it help or make it worse to say that I only felt it with you? That I was truly myself with you? I don’t talk literature with just anyone, Buffy.”
“Thanks,” she whispered, “But I guess that doesn’t matter now, does it?”
Spike gestured to Brandon, “I’d say it matters at least a little.”
“You want to be part of his life, huh? I mean, for real?”
“Yes, Buffy, I do.”
“I don’t know, Spike, I just don’t know about that.”
“I know.”
“Despite what you say about having been the real you with me, I have a hard time trusting that.”
“I know, luv, I know you do and I can’t blame you. You’re right. I haven’t been forthright with information.”
“You could have told me at any time you were married,” she told him.
“You wouldn’t have…you wouldn’t have been with me.”
“You’re right. I wouldn’t have.” Her eyes welled up in tears, as she looked up at him. “But I would have rather retained the idea that you were an honest and genuine person than hating you as I have.”
He looked completely crestfallen by the thought. “You don’t know how much I want to change that.”
“I don’t know how you can right now…”
“Can you do me a favor, luv?”
She raised a brow, suspicious. “What?”
“Call me William, not Spike.”
“Why?”
“Because it makes me feel more like that man I need to be, and was, with you.”
“I’ll try my best.”
He smiled, “Thank you. Come on, luv, let’s go see that apartment, hmm?”
Taking a deep breath, Buffy followed, suddenly everything feeling completely surreal. Were things ever going to get back to normal in her life?
“What the hell are you thinking?” Faith asked Buffy later over dinner.
Buffy stared off at Robin who was holding their son, Marcus, burping him, and then down at Brandon who was making small, whimpering noises in his bouncy seat at her.
She smiled at him and then looked at Faith. “I’m really not thinking.”
Faith sat back, her arms folded across her chest. “You know you’re just asking for trouble.”
“I know.”
“Buffy…you went on and on about making changes and you’ve been doing so good—“
”Have I?”
“Yes, you have!”
“Or have I just been pregnant?”
Faith stared at her, “What?”
“I’ve been pregnant, ergo no man really wants to get with a pregnant lady—“
“Yeah, I just have to say that’s not true,” Robin interjected and stood up, taking Marcus with him.
Faith smiled at his retreating figure and then looked at Buffy sternly. “He’s right. You could have found anyone while you were pregnant.”
“Well aside from that period where I really wanted it, I wasn’t in the mood for men.”
“Exactly.”
“But I should be able to be into men, but not be a whore about it.”
“I really hate that guy,” Faith said, scowling.
”He just…” Buffy shook her head, frustrated, “He makes me remember my past and what I’ve done and what I was…that girl is not so far removed from me now and I hate that. I hate being reminded of what I’ve done.”
“You’re not the same person anymore, Buffy.”
“Have I really changed all that much? If I’d changed then…then I wouldn’t have gone home with him in the first place. What was I thinking? I wasn’t. I was letting my hormones lead the way. What a fine excuse that is.”
“Stop beating yourself up about this! Everyone has had one night stands before—“
“Yeah, I know, but I didn’t want to have a one-night-stand, Faith. I wanted…I wanted more. So really, I’m just even that much more pathetic. Not only am I slut for taking someone home the first night, but then I’m the psycho clinger that wants more after. How deranged is that? I mean, if you’re going to have a one-night-stand, at least have the decency to know that it’s just that and there will be no more, and for God’s sake, use protection!” Tears were streaming down her face now, tears of frustration.
“Buffy, honey, you need to stop,” Faith said sternly, reaching across the table and taking Buffy’s hand in hers, squeezing it hard. “This man comes back in your life—”
“Also my fault.”
“—And you’re a mess. How is this any good for you?”
“It’s not. But it’s not about me. It’s about Brandon. Who am I to deny him his father?”
“You’re his mother, and you can deny him if he doesn’t change. You were right before, you don’t have to put him in a situation that is just going to fuck him up.”
“And what about me?” Buffy asked through her tears. “What am I going to do for him?”
“You’re going to do what’s right. And you know what’s right, Buffy, you do. Have some faith in yourself.”
“What happened to the woman that didn’t want me to not tell him?” Buffy quipped, extracting her hand from Faith’s and wiping her tears away with the napkin in her lap.
“She’s…still there,” Faith said, smiling weakly. “But…I’m allowed to change my mind, and I did. I know that I could not do what you’re doing alone…I know it, but I see how you are doing with a significant other and I have to marvel at it. Then that bastard comes into your life once more and … he just causes a mess. He makes you doubt yourself, he shakes up your foundation, and I just have to marvel at his power in doing it.”
“Maybe the foundation wasn’t that strong to begin with.”
“Or maybe you just need to stop giving him power over you,” Faith countered.
“How does he do it? I don’t even know,” Buffy said, holding up her hands.
“I know, Buffy, and so do you.”
Buffy stared at Faith intently for a minute before turning her focus to her son. “Yeah, I do.”
“And I’m not talking about Brandon.”
Buffy laughed mirthlessly, “Neither am I.”