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I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain ~ The Police, King of Pain

Spike opened the door to Buffy and his son, feeling nervous. It wasn’t often that he did feel nervous, but this was what she reduced him to. He chalked it up to the fact that she held his future in her hands. At least, that’s how he felt anyway. She had the power to keep Brandon from him if she so wished and the thought was more than a little daunting to him. Then there was the fact of the feelings she provoked in him. It was one thing when they hadn’t seen each other and all he had were his memories of her, but now she was back in his life in some sense and those old feelings were giving way to new ones; real ones.

Buffy appeared nervous as well, that was the first thing he noticed when she passed by him, trailing behind her the scent of raspberries. He fought the urge to shut his eyes and just bask in her scent alone. He couldn’t even begin to count how many times he’d caught a whiff of her over the past nine months and was immediately lost in his memories of her.

“It looks…better,” she said in faux cheeriness, looking around his almost bare living room that consisted of his sofa, easy boy TV and now a coffee table, courtesy of Xander. At least it was more than white walls, which is the gist of what she’d seen the last time.

“Thanks, I just got some furniture today that will be delivered tomorrow and I at least have a bed for tonight. I was quite adamant about getting one of those.”

Placing Brandon on the floor in his car seat, she undid the latches and pulled him out. “Want to see Daddy’s home?” she cooed softly at him.

Spike nearly swooned. She was such a good mother and watching her just made him ache all the more for her. He never could imagine Cecily as a mother, knowing full well the woman would have hired nannies to bring their child up – God forbid anything should encroach on her alone time or her shopping time or anytime that was not devoted specifically to pampering herself and tending to her needs. Buffy, on the other hand, he could see foregoing her comfort for that of their son. She’d sooner throw herself in front of a truck than let any ill will befall him.

As well a mother should be. It was the way his mother was, and his father too actually. It was the way he felt about Brandon. Except…he feared that ill will in the form of Hurricane Cecily would befall all of them, that is, if she found out about him. Spike was going to work damn hard to make sure Cecily knew nothing of Brandon or Buffy. His first step had been to leave Cecily and pledge to be there for them, his second step was to do everything in his power—feeble as it might be – to protect them both from any and all Adams’.

“Can I get you something to drink?” he asked, lurching forward to play host.

“Uh, sure. What do you have?”

“You like Diet Coke, right?”

She smiled, “Yes, William, I do. Thank you.”

His heart swelled. As small as it seemed, he felt on top of the world for having got that part right. It was the little things here and there that ended up amounting to so much later on, right?

She followed him past the living room and the dining room into the kitchen. “Will?”

God, he loved hearing his real name on her lips. “Yes?”

“What did she say?”

Reaching into the fridge, he pulled out the two liter soda and went to the cabinet next to the fridge to take out a glass. “I haven’t told her yet.”

“What?” she sounded incredulous.

“I haven’t told her. I left her a note. She’s away this weekend.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, I just…she wouldn’t have let me leave otherwise.”

“But…what now? I mean, is she going to let you stay gone? If she wouldn’t have let you leave, how do you know she’ll let you stay …gone?”

“She’ll fight me, but there’s nothing much she can do now. I’m gone.”

“This is a personal question, but do you have money?”

“I took what I’ve earned; I will get by for a while at least.”

“Will they try to take it?”

“Oh, I’m sure.”

“What will you do?”

Turning, Spike met her eyes. “I will divorce her. I said I would and I am going to do it.”

She stared at him, gnawing on her bottom lip. “Do you…want to?”

“Yes,” he breathed, “Oh God, yes.”

“Are you scared?”

“Terrified.”

“Why?”

“I’m afraid of what she’ll do…” he stared at his son in her arms. “Can I take him?”

Nodding, Buffy cradled Brandon head and passed him over to Spike. Smiling widely, almost goofily, Spike took his son and cradled him in arms, staring down at the perfect bundle they’d created. “God, he’s so perfect.”

“This is the first time you’ve held him isn’t it?”

“It is,” Spike gushed, unable to tear his eyes away from their son.

“I get that way with him too. Just so…overwhelmed. Never thought I could love anything so much.”

Spike looked up at her, his expression filled with adoration for her, his eyes full of emotion. “Buffy, God, I…Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For …him. For you, for--”

“Don’t thank me,” she said quickly, shaking her head. “I haven’t done anything.”

“You’re letting me in his life.”

“I’m not doing it for you; I’m doing it for him.”

Spike nodded, “Thank you just the same.”

“What’s next on your plan?” she inquired, taking her glass and sipping the cool and bubbly liquid.

“Monday, I see an attorney. My own attorney, not one supplied by the Adams’.”

“Did you leave her an address of where you are?”

“No, but she can call me.”

“What is it you’re exactly terrified of, William?”

“Everything. I’ve never been on my own like this before. Sad, isn’t it? Here I am, thirty years old and the only time I’ve ever had freedom was when I was in college…before her. I’m terrified of what tricks she’ll pull, of what her family will do. It’s pretty much a fact that I won’t have a job come tomorrow night.”

“Tomorrow night?”

“It’s when she comes home from a weekend excursion with her friends.”

“Oh.”

“Her father will fire me immediately; I have no doubt of that.”

“So are you even bothering to go in on Monday?”

He shook his head, “What’s the point?”

“So, what will you do for work?”

“Not sure yet…Buffy, this was not exactly a long thought out plan. I made the decision to go and so I went.”

“Impulsive.”

“You say that as if you’re calling me stupid.”

“Well…” Buffy said, trailing off.

“Buffy, if I didn’t go when I had the urging to go, I never would have done it.”

“I don’t understand that. Are you in love with her?”

“Not at all.”

“Then…why would you have stayed?”

“Because sometimes it’s easier to stay in a bad situation than to make a change that is absolutely terrifying.”

“Why do I feel as though I’ve set myself up to be blamed for this?” Buffy muttered.

“I don’t blame you. I thank you.”

“Thank me?”

“You gave me the impetus to go,” Spike said simply.

“Will you still feel the same when she pulls out the big guns?” Buffy asked, placing her glass down.

“Yes, I will. Buffy, you know as well as I do that I had to go. I wasn’t living my life with her. I was living someone else’s.”

“Is that why you cheated on her? Were you living your life when you did that?”

He shook his head, “I thought I was at first.”

“And then?”

“I changed.” He kept her gaze, willing her to see that it was because of her that he changed. When she said nothing, he continued. “You make me want to be a better man.”

She shook her head, putting up her hands. Turning, she walked away from him. “Don’t put that on me.”

Spike followed, “Why not? It’s true.”

“Because I don’t want that responsibility.”

“It’s not so much a responsibility as it is a gift, Buffy.”

“No, it’s not. I’m not someone to be inspiring others to become better at anything.”

“You’re a teacher aren’t you? Don’t you inspire others to aspire to their best everyday?”

“That’s different,” she said, exasperated.

“How?”

“That’s my professional life. You don’t know anything about me, William. You don’t know what I’ve done in my past.”

“Do you think your past defines you?”

That question threw her. “No, not completely,” she said slowly, trying to weigh in what her thoughts were on that. “I think it helps shape you.”

“So then your past and my past has shaped us, but it is not who we are.”

“And if you feel your past in you? If you still feel that part of that person you don’t want to be is inside you?”

Spike chuckled nervously. “I don’t have the answer to that, pet. I’m still trying to break free from who I was and who I want to be.”

“And who is that you want to be?”

“The man that I was becoming before I met Cecily. My own person. Who is it you want to be?”

Buffy let out a short laugh and gazed at her son in Spike’s arm. “I want to be . . . I want to be someone worthy of being his mother.”

“You are pet, you are.”

“I want to be worthy of love.”

“Buffy…” he murmured softly. “You are.”

“I don’t want a torrid kind of love,” she continued, staring at Brandon intently, her eyes watering with tears. “I want…a pure kind. The old-fashioned kind that feels fated and destined. The kind that doesn’t hurt and make demands;I want the kind of love that is new and fresh and just… pure. Does that make sense?”

“Does that exist, Buffy?”

“I don’t know. I really don’t. It exists in my books and in my fantasies. But, I don’t know that I’m deserving of something like that if it does exist in the so-called real world.”

“If you’re not deserving, then I know for damn sure that I’m not,” Spike muttered.

“I wonder if that kind of love only exists for innocents and for parents.”

“Innocents? Is there such a thing as that in this day and age?” Spike snorted, placing Brandon in his car seat and jiggling a rattle at him.

“I’d like to think that somewhere it exists,” she said conversationally, sitting next to him on the couch. “I’d like to think that among the treachery, the backstabbing and cheating out there, there are pure and innocent souls that have a fighting chance. That it’s not all about sex and money and power. That there are those that really do believe that love is all you need, and that there are knights in shining armor willing to go to bat for the damsels they love, and the damsels are there to comfort them after a long, hard day in battle and take away their pain.” Wrapping her arms around herself and gazing down at Brandon, she sighed wistfully. “At least, I’d like that for him. I want him to be a knight for some damsel, and I want some damsel for him. I want him to keep his purity and his innocence for as long as he can.”

“Buffy…” Spike started and then broke off, unable to look at her for the welling of powerful and overwhelming feelings that were overcoming him. He felt the rawness of her desire so strong; it became his own desire, his own need.

“Yes?” Buffy prompted after a while.

“I want that too,” he whispered back. “I want that for him too.” And, truth be told, he wanted that for himself. He wanted to be her knight, and he wanted her to be his damsel. He didn’t know how to express it however, and he didn’t know how to tell her that he too felt too jaded, too used and abused to be worthy of all that.





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